Positive stories of marriage break ups please

Feeling for you that's tough.  I've been through this recently, 16years together, 3kids, 13, 10 and 7 when we separated.

The kids will find it tough to start with, but they'll adapt, my oldest is autistic and it has probably hit him the hardest, but he's coping. My younger two have dealt with it really well, and both loved the fact that they got two holidays this summer 😀

I check in with all 3 regularly and it seems to be working, we split childcare 50/50 and everything  apart from finances have been resolved.  I know that's a big hurdle left but circumstances make this last bit more complicated than usual I guess, though everyone will have their own challenges.

We've been pretty amicable throughout, I found it hard at first so made an effort because of the kids and now we are genuinely friends again.

Parents evening for the youngest this week and she's bloody ace looking out for her friends and just being an all round superstar. Middle one is growing up fast and her biggest issue is clothes being split between two houses 😀

Just be honest with them. Telling them was the hardest thing I've had to do so far in my life and my thoughts are with you. Try and plan to do something with them afterwards as a family unit so they see that its not the end of their family life and that its just going to change.

Let them help forge how that new life is going to be. I'm now more present in their lives, with ne having to properly juggle work for them and I'm glad this has happened. Still sad that it took the breakdown in my marriage to do this, but better late than never.  Still have to earn the money to pay the bills but its given me a better perspective on watching them grow up.

Happy to answer any questions you may have.

Best of luck with it all.

Initially it's very very difficult. A huge change to lifestyle, suddenly a lot more spare time and the feeling of not much to fill it with. Plans change, outlook on life changes.

That's short term.

Long term, 2 happy homes for the kids are better than 1 miserable home ultimately.

I'm heading for marriage number 2 and couldn't be happier about that situation. Kept things as amicable as possible with the ex, which is not easy, but needs to be done for the good of the kids.

My experience is positive but there's no doubting it's hard. 20 years together and 1 kid. 50:50 childcare. I left 2 years ago.

In terms of how things are better... I am 100% happier, my kid spends half his time with me in a place where it's calm, there's a routine, we eat together and we get on really well. He also spends more time with his mum. Since splitting up 2 years ago, in more acrimonious circumstances than you describe, I haven't had a single moment of regret and feel like a different person.

Interestingly it's hard to write about the positives as it was and is a sad thing, it feels a bit cold hearted. But if I were transported back in time I'd do the same thing in an instant. It's definitely better for my son, definitely better for me and I think better for my ex.

#1 advice from me is bend over backwards to keep a positive relationship with your ex... But not at the expense of a fair outcome with access or finances.

Good luck. It's not easy, but a house where the parents don't get on isn't a place to being up kids. Tough times pass. It will get easier. Happy if you want to PM me.

About 6 years in for me, first 12 months was a bit rough, trying to settle into the new single lifestyle.
It's quite hard going from being half of a couple to standing on your own two feet. Especially after nearly 20 years two kids and emigrating. She's got her parents about 300 m away from where she lives now. Mine are in a different country.
Kids still have a wobble every now and again, but are essentially thriving, they're not even in double figures yet so it's to be expected, they would probably be the same if we were still together.
We've kept it amicable and still do fairly regular family activities. Finances didn't take long to sort but were a bit of a shock to the bank balance! (I bought her out of the family home) Trying to get to the budgeting balanced took a while.
It's all going well now though, we both get more quality time with the kids, we both get more time to ride our bikes and do our own thing, and we've both been fairly successful in dating. She's got a new long-termer and I'm currently single but getting lots of interest, which for a tubby bloke in his late forties I can't complain about.

I went through this a few years ago prob from your wife's side as it was partner that ended it.
I'll be honest it was horrible but we have tried to be amicable for our son though that was tested when she moved in the new bloke after 6weeks (the builder "friend"😁).

I ended up paying for counciling but ended up more to do with work and past than the failed relationship.

Best advice, both be grown ups and as amicable in the dividing up as you can. If you have to give away more for quicker split, do it. Dragging the process on and on helps no one.

I'm +two years post split and honestly I'm the happiest in a long time. I have my own house can do pretty much what I want (there are still issues but that's not from failed relationship).
The best though is relationship with my son is the best it's ever been. Far better than when I was with his mum. But I made sure I was close enough for him to bike round if he needed.
If you can both be civil it really shouldn't be that bad. Don't leave the house till everything is agreed and signed, get legal advice.

Found it quite funny in our case, the counselling actually made us realise that there was no going back, rather than getting us back together. Brought out a load of old riffs and resentment that had lain hidden and dormant for years! Mountain biking being one of them!
We had a decent house to split and as she was having our kids and the dog, we agreed that she’d have the larger portion of the equity to buy something decent. I had enough for a deposit on something nearby. She didn’t ask for any more, never has and I just pay towards the Uni fees now. We get on great, I used to pop in to her place regularly to walk the dog, or see kids, initially they’d stay at mine a few days a week, they've outgrown that now though, so i let them get on with their lives. Son used to mountain bike with me, so it was good he lived nearby.
At first I missed the family environment, but we’re better apart, so it was definitely a positive thing to separate. Glad that we’ve stayed friendly though, I know of a fair few cases where that doesn’t happen.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 7, I'm 46 now. They split up 'for the (3) kids' rather than trying to stay together. They e always been friendly, they'd go on nights out with their other partners, access was never an issue. Just worked for them to not be together.

Same with my sister and her fella, they'd been together years, not married had a son, but my sister just wasn't I to it any more. My sister has re married and they're literally best friends now. All three of them!

In both cases my mum and dad went to each other's weddings and my sister ex went to hers as well!

It doesn't have to be all anger and 1 up man ship, but you both need to buy in to it.

Good luck. I'm sure it's a pretty shit time for you now.

Thankyou all 👍.

Our family house was bought with inheritance from her father dying. (Sold his house bought ours) I don't feel entitled to any thing from that house but we will sort something out so I can get a decent deposit for new house.

I looked at rental prices- Jesus! How do single people do it?

Can I just say how well everyone so far has risen to the challenge of the OP. Some good reading there to brighten up my day 🙂

Split up 27yrs ago with 3 boys aged 7, 5 & 1 and can echo a lot of sentiments above, shared their time pretty much 50/50 and brought me much closer to them than I think I would have been, still all live local and happily remarried, it's great to see the boys happy to have family events (two of them now married with kids of their own) without having any worries of their divorced parents bumping into each other as sometimes happens.
When we divorced our middle son wanted to know "when will you be rejoicing" and life does get quite complicated now they have 3 step sisters, 3 step brothers and 2 half sisters 😯

Eleven kids? Have you not worked out what's causing that yet? 😁

I looked at rental prices- Jesus! How do single people do it?

They don't. I've got several mates back in the UK who are to all intents and purposes, single. But still share a house/room/bed with their ex partner as they haven't got room in the house to have separate rooms (kids take a lot of space) and simply cannot afford to live alone (as they need space for the kids, even though they are only there half time), and either can't afford a bigger place, or don't want to sink more outgoings into a bigger/extended house that they may (or may not) lose in the near future. Depending on how the divorce goes.
It's soul destroying, both for them, their partners and the kids.

If we'd stayed in the UK, i think we'd have ended up being one of those couples. On the plus side, we'd never have dreamed of having kids if we'd stayed in the UK... So, some you win, some you lose!

As it was the ex found a nice, part furnished 2.5 bed house in the next village for about £900 a month all in. And as i was keeping our house, she wasn't still paying half the mortgage!
She was there about 6 months until she bought her own place.

Probably what you need to do TBH, is to speak to the bank ASAP and get finances in place, maybe see if you can stay in the family home (if you are still amicable) and go direct to a new (bought) place once you've worked out division of stuff and where the deposit is coming from, that grand+ a month rent is going to make a difference, plus two goes at moving house can be painful. Don't know what the divorce arbitration services are around where you are, but my bank has a whole team set up to give impartial financial advice on how it *should* be done according to Swedish law.

We split up after ten years, of which we were married for two (no kids). Completely out of the blue, I came home one day and she'd gone. That was about six years ago.

The first six months or so were hell on earth. I left the house to go to work or to buy food. I'd make plans and cancel at the 11th hour because I couldn't face it. The first time I managed to venture out socially was to see a mate's band, which culminated with me having something of a breakdown on another mate's driveway. But I think that was the turning point I needed. I went on holiday to the US on my own, absolutely no plans whatsoever other than maybe to catch up with old friends at some point, and it was liberating just to do whatever the hell I wanted without having to think like a couple whose other half didn't just have a Plan B but an entire alphabet.

A couple of years ago I met someone else. One of the first things I said to her was "the last thing I'm looking for right now is a relationship." Fast-forward to now, we've bought a house together and I couldn't be happier.

I'm not sure as I have a point here other than, "hey, here's my anecdote". I guess my sage advice based on a sample pool of 'one' is, it will almost certainly be shit for a while, but it will almost certainly get a lot better with time. In your case it's a mutual decision, right? No-one splits up because they expect the alternative to be worse than what they currently have.

Good luck.

Weren’t married but in 2009 my relationship came to a natural end. There was no one else involved and as it was more or less an agreed split in was by and large amicable. I moved out and rented a tiny one bed place and the kids (7 and 10) often came and went for tea and occasional nights over (indoor camping). You need to make the effort (more than you think you need to) to reassure them about the future and their part in your world. It’s worth having an actual conversation with them to tell them it has nothing to do with them (more kids worry about that  than you’d expect)

14 years later I’m married and the kids live their step mum, who’s on pretty good terms with my ex, and my relationship with my kids couldn’t be better

good luck 👍

A lot of good stuff above. All I'll add from my split with the former MrsIHN is that we were both determined not to be one of those bitter, petty, angry divorcing couples. This meant taking the emotion out of the practical/financial decisions as much as possible, a realisation and tolerance that we were both a bit fragile mentally and weren't necessarily thinking or acting as we otherwise would, a lot of reasonable compromises, and, definitely, lot of counting to ten on both sides.

Worth saying, obviously, that we had no children so the process was hugely easier, but I think that the same principles apply.

We parted as friends, and I'm really glad about that. We're still occasionally in touch too, 14 years later.

Probably what you need to do TBH, is to speak to the bank ASAP and get finances in place, maybe see if you can stay in the family home (if you are still amicable) and go direct to a new (bought) place once you’ve worked out division of stuff and where the deposit is coming from, that grand+ a month rent is going to make a difference,

Yes I think this is the plan. Exactly how the financials are worked out is one thing I am trying to think about. The other thing is when to tell the kids? It could take ages to get a house. I wonder if the kids need certainty or if us telling them about the split and things still being the same for a while is a good thing?

Thanks for all the posts- wish there was a like button. 👍

Marriages and long term relationships are hard, I doubt there are many involving kids that are not strained in one way or another at some point.

My parents divorced when I was 5 and it devastated my life, my siblings lives and my mothers life. It's only by luck and other family members stepping in that we made it to adulthood in as good a shape as we have. My dad on the other hand did quite well out the deal and ended up moving in with someone else. In hindsight he was and still is a coward and a bit of a shit.

Hope everything works out for you, your ex and your kids. You'll struggle to make a worse job of it than my dad did.

I have a suspicion that the reason my mum never kicked out my dad was for my benefit (and reading between the lines from things she's let slip, her not wanting to hear "we told you so" from her own folks). That being the case, I wish she hadn't bothered.

Split with my other half after 18 years. No kids made it easier.
My decision. The bad side was getting married as the relationship wasn't working, so we just put a plaster over an infected would.
Since the split we had a bad year but now we are back to really liking each other as friends.
all this happened 18 years ago.
I intoduced her to her new bloke and I regularly pop down and visit and dog sit for them.
She's pretty special.

Yeah, my parents decided to separate and then didn't tell us.
We knew, because they stopped arguing. They then told us about a year later, once my mum had found a place and started the process of getting the place bought and renovated. She then moved into the spare room for about a year while that went on.

All in all the arguing, not arguing and renovation process took over 5 years, my brother still has relationship and trust issues around it, 35 years later. Thankfully now settled and stable. I'm a bit older and it barely phased me.

As an aside, a woman i've been seeing on and off is going through a divorce now, and her ex (who i also know through mutual friends) is being an utter shit about everything. He's started weaponising their child, refused to discuss the financials around the property/stock/shares they own (that took a legal threat to get moving) and has (again) failed to take her off the mortgage, so she's at risk of getting a black mark on her credit record, which will make buying her own place difficult. That's the 5th or 6th month on the trot he's failed to do it. The divorce papers and financial settlement papers she had to stand over him to get him to sign.

The irony is, it's his behaviour that did most of the damage in the relationship. And he had a new girlfriend in place within days of her deciding that separation would be the best option.

Ironically enough, him weaponising their child means that they now very often refuse to leave school with him, screaming, shouting and hitting out. So his ex has to leave work to go to school to calm the child down enough to leave school with him. So that's an issue both now, and likely to be in the future.

There's a lot to be said for being amicable, even if it costs you a few grand and a few grey hairs.

Sorry, that wasn't positive, just a warning to keep as much of the discussion amicable and keep the shitty stuff away from the kids.

A few negative ones slipping in 🤣 it's fine actually it's good so I can learn from others mistakes.

Feeling absolutely gutted today 🤮

Yeah, it's amazing how trying to do the best for the kids can backfire so dramatically!

It'll take a while for it to sink in properly, i was lucky that the relationship was already pretty broken by the time the ex announced she was leaving, and we both knew it. BUT, we'd pretty much just defaulted back to being mates living together, but with kids. So the actual sinking in was done and dusted in a couple of weeks. Then it was just a logistical nightmare.

Can't believe no-one has mentioned all the coke and hookers the OP can enjoy when they get their own place

Feeling absolutely gutted today

Understandably, because what you are going through is shit. I felt numb at times, crap at times, blubbed at times, and on the day she finally moved out, when the front door shut behind her I sat/collapsed on the kitchen floor in full-on wracking sobs for about half an hour. The thing is, you've got to let yourself do it, bottling it up helps no-one.

You'll get through it.

Yeah, it’s amazing how trying to do the best for the kids can backfire so dramatically!

I'm sure it was Binners who said "they're better having two happy homes, than one unhappy one".

Yeah fingers crossed 2 happy homes- tbh 2 homes would be a good start.

Haven't read all posts but here is my experience.
We were married in 1996, had a daughter in 1998. The break-up itself was horrible with lots of mud being slung at me, including using access to my daughter as a weapon. It took 2 or 3 years for things to settle down, this first happened in 2008, so quite a few years ago. Now I count my ex as a good friend, as does my new wife. It is lovely to see that I wasn't mad to marry her, it didn't work out but she is now back to the fun, albeit slightly bonkers, witty woman I first met. My daughter and ex stayed with us for Christmas a few years ago, the first Christmas with both parents for many years, we went to her 50th birthday party and she came to our 10th wedding anniversary party (second one for me) this August.
Good luck, and always remember "If you're going through hell, keep going"

Edit to say our daughter is now 24 got a brilliant degree, has a fantastic job that she loves and has just negotiated a £10K pay rise.

The 2 homes thing is a shock to the system.
Especially with the bills. I'm using 20-25% less of everything, but only one income to cover it!
So whilst i'm not actually broke, there certainly aren't any shiny new bikes in my near future!

A £10k payrise would be very useful at the mo!

i was with my ex for 13 years (mostly, we broke up briefly a couple of times), but we met when we were 17. We had a daughter who was 4 when it all ended.

The ex ended it and it was a real shock to the system. Despite having a fairly rubbish and toxic relationship, i just thought 'thats how life is'. It took me a while to get over, but ultimately it was the best decision she made.

I now have a wonderful wife, a second daughter and a daughter who is grown up and who i spend much more quality time with.

Over the years my ex was a weapons grade bellend, using access to my daughter as a threat. So i had to walk on egg shells for years and years. My biggest regret was not going for joint custody, as the stuff she pulled and i accepted or had to go along with still boil my blood today.

But hey... the past is the past. As i say, i am in a much better relationship with a much better person. And i have to deal with the ex very infrequesntly.

So whilst it might be raw and sore right now, things will get easier, they will get better and most likely work out for the best.

As others have said, try and keep it amicable, but dont be pushed around and get legal advice or help if it is really needed. Sometimes these things can go sour very quickly.

I wish you all the best and hope it isnt a painful experience for you.

Thanks 👍

Can't offer any experience or real advice, other than it will all get better no matter how impossible that seems right now.

All the best, I'm sure it will all work out eventually for you!

Yeah fingers crossed 2 happy homes- tbh 2 homes would be a good start.

I was 11 i think when my folks split.

The best thing wasn't just the two houses, but the two sets of holidays. Two houses. It might be why I still hate having to go to the same place every day.

It wasn't all great, but I think it was for the best - i can't even imagine my parents together now. They've nothing in common at all. Luckily money was never a problem, and my Dad did the right thing financially.

Me and my 3-year older sister both had issues as teenagers, but i can't say they wouldn't have been worse if my parents had stayed together. Nowadays I think they may relate to other family history issues.