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I had 5 sausages last night with a fair quota of chips (visiting my brother way oooop north so thought Id eat 5 sausages...no idea why)
And this morning well lets just say a Canadian Logger would have been proud....
Bit annoying it wouldn't flush 4 times to clear the evidence !
We all love a poo story lets hear your [s]runny [/s] funny epics
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Are you sure its the actual snorkers ? did you have gravy or peas with it ?
what sort of gravy ?
Not another ISIS thread...
Pan of water tipped in from a couple of feet as you flush.
Give it a 'helping hand'
2 years ago this happened to me. Unfortunately I was at my mum's at the time, it was empty as she'd moved out. The phone rang as I was trying to flush, and as it was the 2nd loo in the house, I forgot about it until I was on the plane home.
My sister visited a month later with her teenage daughter. She has yet to mention it.
If the tip of the afore mentioned log is impeding the closure of the seat, then you correctly spotted a technical malfunction... if not, just log off as usual.
Our eldest between the ages of 3 and 5 seemed to have a habit of doing this...How can so much come out of so small a child?????
Even worse, how come in the list of household chores did it always fall to me to sort the recalcitrant James III out? It would even be left in the bog, awaiting my return from work, rather than be dealt with.
Go on strike Matt.
Get the jet wash on it, the pan will soon be cleared.
How can so much come out of so small a child?????
The question is, what the hell do you feed them!
Few factors combine to give me bad poo manors.
I am forgetful.
Our toilet has a weak flush, it's pathetic, I am far too much man for such a feeble effort of water displacement.
When the cold tap is running in the kitchen the cistern takes an AGE to refill.
The house I live in has lead pipes, so water has to be run off that has sat in the pipes over night before it is consumed. (I know, madness, that's a whole other story)
When let out at 6:30 in the morning the dog will go to the back door and bark after ~4 minutes.
My Morning routine is get up, down to the kitchen, let the dog out, turn the cold tap on, go down the other end of the house, do my epic manly business, flush, irritably notice how ineffective it is. I have to leave it to prevent antisocial barking. I do most honestly intend to return to it.
I really do... 😳 😳 😳
When I was about 8-9 I had a habit of eating string, come the inevitable and imagine my horror when having grunted and thrutched for several seconds that the eventual discharge and relief was spoilt by the distinct absence of the usual splash !!
A quick peek between my legs revealed the turd suspended from my bottom on the string !
My Mother was summoned by my screams as I genuinely thought my intestines had turned to string.!
She told me not to be so bloody soft and to pull it out, I was often reminded of this especially when she thought it would entertain others.
We had a blocked drain problem at my ex's house, got lent some rods and had lifted the man hole in the garden. Everything looked ok when what can adequately be described as a redwood log came down the pipe. We just looked at each other in shock, Bloody hell where did that come from was our first thought. Then her 8 yr old daughter appeared at the back door and asked what were we doing, "Have you just been to the loo" asked her mum, "Yes" was the reply 😯
As said above how did this tiny little girl manage to produce such a monster?
Given that the weather is on the turn, our cats have eschewed the compost heap at the end of the garden and have quite understandably decided to vote conservative in the warmth of their litter tray.
As the tray is only five feet away from the loo in the outbuilding, so whoever is walking past the tray at the time invariably scoops the Piers Morgans out of the tray and chucks them down the pan.
There are two flaws however; firstly our cats are on the large size and their carefully gastated jobbies are huge. Secondly, for whatever reason the feline digestive tract seems to produce buoyant Richards. Short of unleashing depth charges, there's very little you can do aside from shooing them in the direction of the u-bend with a bog brush.
On holiday in August in Sardinia on a boat with a friends family. Boat toilets are bad at the best of times.
Daughter #2 (she's 12) seems to have saved up 3 days worth of poo and launches it into the 'poo-loo'. Shear size of poo is too much for the boats system to handle so I have to go and stick my hand in a bag and break the poo into more easily handled chunks..... nice.
Bless her.
bad poo manors
Is that a National Trust property? I'm sure I've been there.
I have a photo of one of my huge poos, I'd love to post the pic, but last time I did I received an email from a mod and they removed my pic. That's taking the shite.
cheekyboy - MemberWhen I was about 8-9 I had a habit of eating string, come the inevitable and imagine my horror when having grunted and thrutched for several seconds that the eventual discharge and relief was spoilt by the distinct absence of the usual splash !!
A quick peek between my legs revealed the turd suspended from my bottom on the string !
My Mother was summoned by my screams as I genuinely thought my intestines had turned to string.!
She told me not to be so bloody soft and to pull it out, I was often reminded of this especially when she thought it would entertain others.
Im NEVER playing conkers with you!
Funniest thread I have read in ages!
A friend told me the story (so I have no idea about the truth) that he was travelling in a truck with some blokes in south Africa. They all took a nature break and got back in the truck and carried on their journey. After a while the discussion of the bad smell came up. They all checked their shoes but could not find where it was coming from. After a few hours the source was found. A turd deposited in the back of a turn up on a trouser leg.
I have had to unblock many a toilet over the years (running bars/restaurants,) usually nowt a few jabs with a mop can't fix.
Most fun the ladies have left would be smashing a wine glass in the toilet bowl then curling one out on top of it.
The gents would be the time a guy pulled the bowl away from the wall before dropping the kids off and then left the seat up.Cue me coming along and pressing the flush thus emptying the cistern over floor.
I love my job sometimes
An ex-girlfriend of mine was one of those "I won't poo in your house, at work or anywhere other than the very privacy of my own home. Its disgusting, I don't want you to know anything about any of that business of mine".
Anyway, one day she must have just been too far gone and I went into the toilet after her to find a little nugget floating about the pan. Needless to say, I let her know "Has someone done a little whoopsie??". I found it intriguing beyond funny how mortified she genuinely was.
Why is it some float and others sink, and sometimes you can get both from the same batch.
"batch" 🙂
Jimmy, its weird isn't it?
You can be as intimate with a partner as you want, but once she went mental at me for busting into the loo for a wee when she was brushing her teeth, apparently its unhygienic, riiiiight.
Was working on a town house up town where scaffolders were scaffolding all the way around complete with tin roof as the building was having a serious referb.
They had a young lad who had not been working with them long that needed a pooh.
They told him to grab an old news paper and toilet roll from the lorry and find a quiet spot at the top of the scaffolding and to make a pasty and throw it in the skip.
He had no idea what a pasty was but once told you basically go on the newspaper, then wrap it up like pasty then sling I off the side into the skip, he seemed ok with it so off he went.
He returned a short while later looking far from happy accompanied by a distinct pen and ink and announced he was going home, and when asked why refused to say why.
He was told unless he explained his reasoning for having to leave he would not have a job to come back to so turned and pulled down the back of his overalls.
Turns out he had managed to drop a log into the back of his boiler suit style overalls without realising it until he felt it squash against his back as he pulled them up and on.
He cleaned himself up the best he could then went of to get the train home still smelling somewhat.
You could here the scaffolders just randomly bursting into laughter throughout the rest of the day.
I once [i]had[/i] to have a dump half way along Sharp Edge on Blencathra. Fortunately, it was a vile day (also prior to camera 'phones) so me and my mates were the only people up there.
Being a considerate soul, I had to down climb, off the main route, which resulted in it being easily the most precarious load I hope I ever have to tip.
My morning movement is sometimes so big, the flush is largely useless and I often end up having to pour a big bucket of water down the pan to shift the blighter. Once I was so impressed I took a photo of it on my iPhone and emailed it to my best mate 😳
My father in law accidently curled one into the lining of his battered Barbour on a boxing day shoot.
Mrdbcooper does the most disgusting great stinky things I have ever smelt.
Mine are colourless and odourless.
Has anyone ever noticed that size/smell and effort/time required to dispose increases in direct relationship to how likely someone is waiting on the other side of the door?
Especially when its a portaloo at a busy event. The next person is always female and extremely attractive too.
OP - you don't say how far north, nor where you pooed. In the unlikely event it was the Aquadome in Inverness, then the correct course of action for the unfortunate pool attendant finding the item is to borrow a knife from the canteen, chop the turd up into flushable pieces, then return the knife to the canteen washer upper. There is, I am reliably informed by an ex-pool attendant, a precedent for such a solution.
Just do what my nine-year old daughter does which is just to leave the toilet un-flushed, much to her parents and sisters disgust. She's usually too busy reading / singing / talking to remember apparently. Drives me insane. When staying at her grandparents she left something of such monstrous size, girth and stench that my father-in-law still refuses to believe that it could be created by a mere slip of a girl. He had to beat it into submission with a stick before it could be flushed, the toilet brush wasn't up to the task.
Slightly related, whilst looking for a gift for my wife I've found what appears to be the poshest air freshener:
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£20!!
Glastonbury of old, before they decided that the traps were a bit un-hygenic, you would be greeted with the site of a model version of the pyramid stage in/on the pan and no chance of getting to flush it...or go anywhere near it to be honest.
As an apprentice in a large engineering company some of my fellow pipe fighters were quite adept at leaving hooooge logs for the poor cleaners or next visitor to have to deal with...
whilst biking in the woods my one mate loves to drop his kegs and poo, no shame at all in that really, but my other mate always insists on going to have a look at the stool, lots of shame in that!
weirdo's!
I met some brothers in California who were really into their macrobiotic diets abd healthy eating. This was 30 years ago and was completley new to me. They would weigh their turds and inspect them and all sorts. One day one of the brothers turned up at the house mad with excitement, he had dropped one of such enormity he scooped it out in a plastic bag and brought it over to show his sibling. I decided to keep my distance after that.
Santa Cruz was a weird place 😆
Outside poos are curiously much more satisfying than a flush loo.
We had a phantom logger at work. Every couple of weeks a really massive sinker would appear in one of the men's traps practically cemented to the bottom of pan. No amount of flushing would budge one of those.
These logs became infamous at work. We had a couple of different toilets in our work and we'd get moved offices regularly so if these 'no flushers' started appearing in a different toilet we'd all be doing detective work trying to work out who had moved offices recently and likely candidates.
A few years back we had a Friday afternoon down the pub and one guy a bit worse for wear admitted they were of his creation and he actually had a medical problem that caused it.
He's still with us and we haven't seen a cement log for ages. Maybe he's better.
Primal.wilburt - Member
Outside poos are curiously much more satisfying than a flush loo
You can totally feel that deep, ancestral connection, way back through time.
If your kids float when you drop them off at the pool it means you have too much fat in your diet, which is no doubt explained by the junk you ate last night!
Bit annoying it wouldn't flush 4 times to clear the evidence !
Known round these parts as a "bog salmon", it keeps heading upstream trying to reach the place of its birth
i lived in germany for a bit where you have those toilets with the shelf for having a look at your richard before you flush it.
After a very heavy 24hrs drinking, including three kebabs and a bottle of jaeger, I got up in the morning and excreted a monster which wouldn't shift off the shelf. No bog brush to hand and getting nauseous from the stench I chundered all over it.
Somehow this provided sufficient lube for it to go at the next flush
Left to bog to find my mate waiting to use the trap, he rushed in and locked the door. I then heard him screaming obscenities at me as i walked away and he vomited due to the smell as well
Good times
My little brother was on a business trip in the Far East and staying in a fancy hotel. On his first night there he deposited the captains log which promptly refused to flush away. Rather than face the embarrassment of calling the hotel reception to remove said log he carefully lifted it from the bog (don't ask me how because I didn't) wrapped it in loo roll and casually walked down the corridor with it, to the bar, dropped it in the loo and ran for it.
The boy has a PHD and works for a major bank. Gotta wonder...
This thread has cracked me up - i've left a few dead otters in the work bogs the dimensions of 2 pint cans of lager stacked one on top of the other which have been spoken angrily about by my colleagues, so pwoud.
Best one ever was in Dubai airport after drinking/eating nowt but cheap cocktails & seafood for a full week at the end of a trip to Sri Lanka with nary a pebble to be seen - I was getting my money's worth from the expensive aftershave testers in duty free when I experienced several tear jerking "contractions" & had to sprint - top speed - to the bogs where I unloaded what can only be described a "Big Innes" - it felt like I was being hollowed out, I have never experienced anything like it nor do I ever hope to again (unless I have a camera to hand) - it was almost level with the seat & looked a bit like Gandalf's staff. Tried to flush it half a dozen times & it wobbled back & forth waving a me a bit then stood firm - the bogs were spotless & totally empty so I waited until the cleaner was busying himself sweeping up at the opposite end of the bogs then made a run for it (washed hands - didn't dry) as I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye as I walked past... again, most pwoud.
For reference, "Big Innes"
I sea poo'ed once near Falmouth, a beautiful experience but you have to be canny and swim away quick.
quality friday afternoon entertainment, thanks folks
And the award today goes to.............
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That wasnt a floater it was King Kongs finger beckoning you too your doom!