Big hug TJ, condolences #****cancer
Very sorry to read this TJ. 😞 condolences
So sorry to hear thus TJ.
Very sorry for your loss TJ, take care and treasure the memories.
Peace and love brother.
So very sorry to hear this, TJ.
Desperately sad news TJ, so sorry to hear this. I know I've posted this before, and I think you may have even acknowledged these words in the past. Not trying to be trite, just words that have helped me and others I know in the past:
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never have. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a place, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at Heathrow. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
Sorry for your loss TJ.
TJ, I am rubbish at expressing feelings and sympathy, whatever I say seems so shallow. I'll do my best though. I'll go out into the garden, look out at the hills and appreciate what we've got and be thankful for it.
If there is anything I can do to somehow help, however small let me know.
Ambrose
Shit, fella....
So sorry for your loss TJ.
Sorry to hear this TJ 😥
Sorry for your loss tj.
So sorry to hear that TJ, sending hugs
I’m incredibly gutted for you. It seems like you shared a lot in your years together. You are in my thoughts TJ.
Ta guys. enough already. You will make me cry!
this place has been a useful bit of normality for me over the last few weeks. I needed that.
I want to say a little more about the decisions we took and why. I think this might worth saying.
I am an experienced palliative care nurse. Its not what I have always done but I have done a lot and enjoyed it and was good. Julie worked for McMillan although not in a medical capacity. We knew what was going on and were generally only waiting for doctors to confirm what we knew.
We reach a point ( Julie was already in hospital at this point having had a blood clot) where the treatment is palliative chemo only with low likelihood of success. Julies choice at that point is that she wanted to go home in some way. I wanted to do her care. She however insisted that I promised her to stay inside the law as a precondition of her letting me do this. We have both been stanch advocates of euthanasia. She knew damn well i would be tempted at some point. She also told me. "Don't let me linger" she knew 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water. Thats roughly how long a human body lasts. We also knew she only had a few weeks no matter what- less than that where she will want to interact with people
well thanks for that tightrope to walk love!
We got her home and she managed to see all her dear friends and spend quality time. She was on a syringe driver containing ever increasing doses of opiates. finally she runs out of energy to do anything. at this point surely the big pill is appropriate? But remember my promise?
At every stage julie took the decisions. When she started to get scared some nice benzos were added into the mix. She floated away for most of her last week. she got the very best of care from lovely new top quality bed linen to feet rubbed with e45 every night
Our friends rallied round in a fabulous way. fresh home cooked meals delivered every night. anything we wanted was there just for asking. we tried to think of the most ridiculous thing we could ask for - a Llama? turns out a friend knew someone with a field full and one nearly turned up!
Iona and my friends gave me the space to ensure Julie had the best death our laws allow. we succeeded in that. I kissed her good night. she smiled. I settled down to sleep to wake for her last breaths
She died a peaceful dignified death with her loved ones around her and at the end thats as good as any of us can ask for
i have good memories of this last month. That will nelp me heal
I think you were lucky to have Julie, and she was lucky to have you.
I'd like to come and give you a hug.
Next question- what new bike with her money?
Never met you TJ but felt I should pass on my condolences.
Despite what has been taken from you so young, you are obviously blessed with good people and the luck of having had a wonderful life partner, and an understanding of palliative care to really make her final moments meaningful.
Hope that’s of some consolation as you grieve.
Oh man, goosebumps reading your post. (Not the bike one 😀). Only echo my message on fb, I’m so sorry, and I can only hope that I’d go with someone like you seeing me out or that I could do the same as you have done for someone else. Fair dues. I’m full of admiration for how you guys handled it all.
Really sorry to hear this TJ
However, this is brilliant:
Iona and my friends gave me the space to ensure Julie had the best death our laws allow. we succeeded in that. I kissed her good night. she smiled. I settled down to sleep to wake for her last breaths
She died a peaceful dignified death with her loved ones around her and at the end thats as good as any of us can ask for
i have good memories of this last month. That will nelp me heal
Wish we could all go that way - just when we're ready rather than when shit happens
Next question- what new bike with her money?
I was about to ask when you were going to change your username...
So sorry to hear of your loss.
I love that Julie has gone on her terms and that with the support around you, you’ve been able to honour that. You’ve done her proud.
like many you have got me welling up.
scotroutes
Next question- what new bike with her money?
I was about to ask when you were going to change your username…
*s****s*
you know, we should start a hall of fame of legendary bikes - TJ/Julie's tandem, Northwind's Mobius frameset, Al's carbon superframe, ...
Sign me up for tjcare
Apart from the kissing bit of course 🙂
That post was brilliant, really speaks volumes about you both as people and your relationship together.
Ta guys. enough already. You will make me cry!
That post is in danger of making all of us do the same.
Next question- what new bike with her money?
What's your address so I can send you the bill for a new keyboard and the cleaning cost for the carpet? 😁
Have a damn good cry TJ because I am after reading your post up there
When the time is right please let us know what we can do to celebrate her life
I had heard she was not well but no idea that it was like this.
My condolences, she was great when I worked with mutual clients in the CEC offices.
My thoughts are with you.
Sorry to hear this, TJ. My condolences.
Edit
And **** cancer!
I want to say a little more about the decisions we took and why.
When it comes my time I hope I have someone like you around..
Thank you for such a beautiful and generous post TJ. I have copy and pasted it for future reference.
Lots of love TJ
Fabulous post TJ (the second one, I mean. And the third. Not the first though, that was shit)
When my time comes I hope I have someone like you to care for me. Not you, obviously, but someone with your sense, your kindness, and your strength.
I can see why she wouldn't want a long drawn out ending mind - 42 years of you is plenty for anyone 😉
Look after yourself. You're in my thoughts.
That had me crying. More hugs.
so sorry for your loss TJ, my deepest condolences from my family to yours. take care of yourself mate.
just seen your bike post - lol
My condolences TJ. Terribly sad news. It sounds like you all made her last days as good as was humanly possible. Tears running from reading your post above. Actually both posts, but tears in different ways!
Geez fella! Seems to have got awfy dusty in here after reading that.
Sounds like Julie had a stellar partner in you and when the time comes, what more could anyone wish for? All the best chum, thinking of you.
theotherjonv
I can see why she wouldn’t want a long drawn out ending mind – 42 years of you is plenty for anyone 😉
Lolz
Awww crap. Tough one. But sounds like you two had it all, right up to the end.
TJ we might have our different opinions on digging trails on council land...
But my deepest condolences for the loss of a loved one.
I hope things get better for you.
Henry.
Yep, it’s dusty tonight. My condolences TJ.
Rather than a new bike, have you thought about a dog?
(runs away having lit touchpaper)
Really sorry for your loss. She sounds like a lovely person, you got lucky!
So sorry to read this TJ, so very tragic, I can’t imagine how you’ve feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
So sorry to hear that. Such sad news.
Oh no. Very sorry for your loss TJ.
As the late great Fred (Whitton) said that was a 'proper job'. To leave this life on your own terms is we can ask for.
My condolences and a man hug
Mike
Next question- what new bike with her money?
Priorities correct too!
Sorry to hear of your loss. Genuinely touched by all the love and support in the comments on here. Adding my own to that.
TJ I've sat with family members while they died. I share your opinions on assisted dying and can only imagine how difficult it must be for a partner of 42 years but it really does sound like she had a good death and I salute you for a job well done.
I'm sorry for your loss.
PS a red one and a new helmet.
Really sorry for your loss but I’m glad you were able to use your experience and the support of your closest friends to provide the dignified ending you describe. You’ve clearly done all you could in those tragic circumstances. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of amazing memories from those 42 years together.
Sorry to hear this TJ, thoughts with you and your family.
☹️ big hugs TJ. Stay strong.
R.I.P Mrs T.
TJ, thats brutal to read. Loads of love to you from my family and I. RIP
You're on the list of folks I want to meet now I'm back in Scotland, somehow more than ever I want to do that now.
best wishes and loving vibes, TJ
Sorry to hear your news TJ, look after yourself.
Thanks for your recent post TJ, I hope Julie and my sil can enjoy being stokers wherever they may be now.
Next question- what new bike with her money?
And there was me wondering if it was too early to ask about the tandem, chin up fella 🤗
So sorry for your loss TJ. She sounds like a great lady.
Very sad news - thoughts are with you TJ. RIP Julie.
Jeezo, just not fair.
very sorry to hear this TeeJ
Soooooooo sorry to hear this TJ! Having lost loved ones to Cancer myself already, you have my utmost sympathies.
Sorry for your loss TJ
Sorry for your loss TJ.
TJ, so so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you. Deepest condolences. Dave.
Ta guys. enough already. You will make me cry!
this place has been a useful bit of normality for me over the last few weeks. I needed that.
I want to say a little more about the decisions we took and why. I think this might worth saying.
I am an experienced palliative care nurse. Its not what I have always done but I have done a lot and enjoyed it and was good. Julie worked for McMillan although not in a medical capacity. We knew what was going on and were generally only waiting for doctors to confirm what we knew.
We reach a point ( Julie was already in hospital at this point having had a blood clot) where the treatment is palliative chemo only with low likelihood of success. Julies choice at that point is that she wanted to go home in some way. I wanted to do her care. She however insisted that I promised her to stay inside the law as a precondition of her letting me do this. We have both been stanch advocates of euthanasia. She knew damn well i would be tempted at some point. She also told me. “Don’t let me linger” she knew 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water. Thats roughly how long a human body lasts. We also knew she only had a few weeks no matter what- less than that where she will want to interact with people
well thanks for that tightrope to walk love!
We got her home and she managed to see all her dear friends and spend quality time. She was on a syringe driver containing ever increasing doses of opiates. finally she runs out of energy to do anything. at this point surely the big pill is appropriate? But remember my promise?
At every stage julie took the decisions. When she started to get scared some nice benzos were added into the mix. She floated away for most of her last week. she got the very best of care from lovely new top quality bed linen to feet rubbed with e45 every night
Our friends rallied round in a fabulous way. fresh home cooked meals delivered every night. anything we wanted was there just for asking. we tried to think of the most ridiculous thing we could ask for – a Llama? turns out a friend knew someone with a field full and one nearly turned up!
Iona and my friends gave me the space to ensure Julie had the best death our laws allow. we succeeded in that. I kissed her good night. she smiled. I settled down to sleep to wake for her last breaths
She died a peaceful dignified death with her loved ones around her and at the end thats as good as any of us can ask for
i have good memories of this last month. That will nelp me heal
Sorry to quote a whole block of text, but that's one of the most difficult but equally beautiful things I've read on here.
My thoughts are with you TJ.
If only she'd worn a helmet...
Bugger TJ. That's shit just as you were looking forward to retirement adventures. Having just been through the same thing with my sister-in-law I have an inkling of what you and your partner went through and fully agree with your views on assisted dying. Fortunately it looks like you have the support of a great group of friends to help you through the next weeks and months. All the best.
Sorry for your loss, TJ.
That's shit, I have no words, just take care of yourself.
Horrible horrible news, big virtual hugs for you.
Apologies, late to this, after, incredibly, being off the forum for a whole afternoon.
Very, very best wishes TJ, sounds like she lived her life, and indeed her death, to the fullest.
Sorry to quote a whole block of text, but that’s one of the most difficult but equally beautiful things I’ve read on here.
Agreed.
Heartfelt condolences TJ, treasure those years together. Better to have loved and lost.
but that’s one of the most difficult but equally beautiful things I’ve read on here.
I don't mind being difficult but I object to "beautiful" 😉 I have clearly ruined a hard won reputation as an old curmudgeon
Well, wear it - you earned it, I'm sitting on a very dusty bus this morning. Words of condolence are so very weak at times like this, but I'm so sorry for your loss. 🙁
TJ, I only know you as a shadowy, occasionally ranty personality living just across the way on the other side of our bonny wee country. I feel for your loss acutely but value very much your beautifully written message here on the death of your lovely Julie. You have successfully turned a difficult and painful situation into something positive and memorable for us outsiders and for this I greatly applaud you. You have my respect and I hope your path gets easier now.
There's a fireside and a berth for you here in Angus if you're ever touring this way.
My sister has worked as a hospice nurse for a long time. She says the best thing you can do for someone is give them a good death as far as you can.
You'll always have that to look back on TJ
So very sorry for your loss OP. Wishing you all the best.
Heartfelt condolences TJ. Sounds like you both had it very 'together' and did things on your own terms (as much as you could). Draw on that, and the support you received from others, over the next few weeks and months.
Wow so sorry to hear your sad news and yet I’m also so impressed with how you have handled this terrible time. I’m sure I’d be in pieces. Remember the good times over the years you had with MrsTJ and please come on hear to vent when you need to
