Adult son of my gf is going to move in with us when we buy a house together in about a month. He's in his early 20's and has a fairly well paid job. He's paying a very nominal amount living with his mother at the moment and is extremely unhappy about having to pay what I and his mother have just about agreed on. It's roughly 25% of his pay which is less than half what he'd be paying if he had his own place. I'm of the opinion of that's what it's going to cost to live with us, if you want out that's fine but his mother is chipping away at that amount even after we'd agreed. My argument is that I'm not subsidising her adult working son while he's living under our roof we've worked years to pay for with no intention of moving out.
Anyone else been in this quandary?
Would rather have lived in a bus shelter than with my parents in my twenties, get them apron strings cut, pronto. He's only sticking about cos he's on a good thing, bet his mates laugh at him down the pub (through their malnourished lips in their poorly washed and unironed rags)
If you are not prepared to lose the GF careful with how far you push the argument. Why not just threaten to kick him out and see who makes the right choices.
Yeah, you'll always find that your partner's son will be more kindly dealt with that you think reasonable. That's just the way it is.
I did a similar thing and I just gave up eventually as I figured my opinion was never going to be that valid.
Suck it up and forget about the business element of it. Or get your own place 😉 which is what I did. He's probably contributing more than he takes. And to be fair some people don't make their kids pay owt.
(Plus he should be paying less than half if he doesn't have a stake in the property really.)
Don't forget to mention it rises by RPI each year as well!
Sounds like he needs to help build a patio.
It's pointless arguing about the money he pays, your GF will just give him cashback directly.
TBF with house prices and rents at the level they are now, there are not many in their 20's who can afford their place.
Compared the situation in the 90's, it's a different World.
TBF with house prices and rents at the level they are now, there are not many in their 20's who can afford their place.
So, to take this to its logical conclusion, why not let him live there on condition that he puts the going rate of rent into a help to buy ISA?
You dont really need his money. Your Mrs needs to feel like she's putting a roof over his head. He needs life lessons in the cost of living. Win win win.
Double his rent, it'll solve the problem pretty quickly.
are you well off financially? give him a break. How would you treat him if he was your son?
Noisy sex is the answer.
Mate of mine is on probably double my salary. He moved out of his parents' place and got his own a little while ago. He completed the purchase a week after his 40th birthday.
Just saying.
Noisy sex is the answer.
Good idea. He'll move out if he wants to do that.
Things have changed since I left home certainly. It seems normal now for grown 'children' to stay with their folks until mid to late twenties now. For me that was unimaginable but it is normal now.
How about persuading girlfriend to put half of the 'rent' each month into a savings account that he can use for deposit on house/rent when he eventually moves?
edit: and spend the other half on sex toys, noisy ones. I would google suggestions for you but I don't look forward to the stw ads after doing that
How about persuading girlfriend to put half of the 'rent' each month into a savings account that he can use for deposit on house/rent when he eventually moves?
That's a good shout actually. He'll soon get twitchy when he sees there's a big pot of cash sitting there with his name on it that he can't touch.
25% in the HTB ISA, or if he can't be trusted with that then take it off him & stick it in a separate account for him for when he does buy a house (or needs a rental deposit)
My folks decided to charge me 25% of my first pay, which indirectly was the motivator for me to earn more money to move out.... and I never looked back.
Early 20s you say? You could have him there another 10 years. Some 26% of 20 to 34 year olds in the UK live with their parents. When just looking at sons this jumps up to 32%!
Tell him (and her) to pay up or **** off. You give in know they'll walk all over you for the rest of the relationship. If it's something you feel strongly about, and I wouldn't subsidise someone elses offspring, they they should take your views into account.
If not then it'll be 2 against 1 from here on in.
Is there any actual chances of him saving enough for a deposit within the next decade? Or do you live in the south east of England?
From your post it sounds like it's not going to all be sweetness and light anyway. Do you get on with the lad?
Thank you jekyll for that glimmer of compassion and reasonableness.jekkyl - Member
are you well off financially? give him a break. How would you treat him if he was your son?
When I moved back home after getting into financial problems (18 years old 1st credit card) I was told that my contribution would be 25% of everything apart from the mortgage. I was massively peeved but it gave me a clue what life in the real world was going to cost.
Not sure where you live, but can he actually afford to buy/rent on his own?
And tbh I wouldn't let any of my kids pay +50% of earnings in rent if they could live with us.
FWIW three kids, eldest two live +100 miles away and the elder (23) bought last year with the middle (22) one buying this year. The youngest (18) is still at home. All work.
tbh Never really took anything off them that they didn't get back; went 1/2 with the inlaws on the eldest costs/stamp, paid the middle ones rent for three years while he was an apprentice (he couldn't afford it, and in a city with no family).
But my folks did the same for us, and latterly they gave us the family home when it got too much for them. Not all take though as we've built Mum a separate granny annex.
My granny's motto's:
#Look after your family
#Life's not a dress rehearsal, this is it
#No money in a shroud
Tell him (and her) to pay up or **** off. You give in know they'll walk all over you for the rest of the relationship. If it's something you feel strongly about, and I wouldn't subsidise someone elses offspring, they they should take your views into account.If not then it'll be 2 against 1 from here on in.
A well made point, zanelad.
Are we talking all in - 'rent', council tax, utilities and food? All for 25% of his wage.If so that's the deal of the century and one he'll never get again for the rest of his days.
The bigger question is why is he living with you. Is it so he can save up to be more independent in the future? If so is there an agreed time frame? Or has he never really grown up and just lives with his mum, just because. Well, because it's easy. Too many times you see adult kids living at home to in theory save up but driving a better car than their parents, and most other aspects of their living expenses more luxurious than strictly necessary for a person trying hard to save.
[I]and I wouldn't subsidise someone elses offspring[/I]
(Not so) modern life. My 2nd wife knew I had kids when we got together, odd times she's moaned about money but that was really due to my ex.
Seems the majority on this post haven't had kids/divorce/remarried etc (yet), otherwise they'd be more forgiving.
[I]Or has he never really grown up and just lives with his mum, just because. Well, because it's easy. [/I]
Or maybe Mum had a 5h1t divorce and wanted him around, maybe Dad died - could be loads of reasons.
Either put some away for him or make sure he does it himself. It can be hard to leave, its even harder if you get used to living on too much of your income.
And, as suggested above, have lots of noisy sex. Hearing his mum will probably make him adjust his priorities. You could also try leaving toys around the house.
I've got a 17yr old nearly 18 finishing sixth form in a couple of months time who has no intention of doing anything if he can get away with it. I am gradually reducing the amount of help I'm giving him to try and force him into going out and working for himself.
I am already putting in his mind that he is going to have to pay me rent, I don't need it, but I refuse to work my backside off for others to sit and watch my broadband all day long! I am struggling to converse with him about it as he just tells me to **** off..
He really needs a reality check, all our four daughters were working full time and earning their own livings long before this age.
Not reading all the above but why not just save a proportion of the rent for him, say the difference between the value you are proposing and what your girlfriend proposes? Agree together to not tell him about the proportion saved, and gift it to him when he buys his own place.
That way he still feels the incentive to move out from the perceived high rent, and you and your girlfriend have a solution where everyone wins.
So, to take this to its logical conclusion, why not let him live there on condition that he puts the going rate of rent into a help to buy ISA?
+1
But charge the full going rate for renting at least a nice bedsit, plus his share of the council tax, food and bills.
You get to shake off the feeling of being taken for granted, and he can move out as soon as the deposit's built up. If he doesn't like it he can always move out but then he loses that easy deposit money.
Some great points there folks.
Also gf has a 15yo girl and 21yo son who is at uni. I also have a 13yo girl that doesn't live with us full time so there isn't only the 3 of us needing looked after. We've looked into how much it would cost for him to rent or buy a 2 bed terrace and with everything included, no furniture tho, and it's at least double what I am suggesting. Easily affordable for him, less than half his wages when he stops wasting it all like he does at the moment. We're having a chat about it tonight together!
Gonna suggest to him putting the difference away between moving out and paying lodge here so he saves lots and is used to budgeting that amount every month.
Agree together to not tell him
I reckon he's better off knowing, bigger incentive.
there are not many in their 20's who can afford their place
I couldn't, I had a room in a shared flat as did most of my contemporaries. I feel young people today are missing out on that character-forming period of poverty driven flat sharing with a bunch of random thieves and psychos.
Seriously though, given the other demands on the accommodation I'd be very reluctant to let a well-paid adult capable of supporting himself book a permanent place.
Noisy sex is the answer
I don't think the gf well take too kindly to you and her son doing that
As long as he's happy with naked Wednesdays I don't see a problem
Seems the majority on this post haven't had kids/divorce/remarried etc (yet), otherwise they'd be more forgiving.Or has he never really grown up and just lives with his mum, just because. Well, because it's easy.
Or maybe Mum had a 5h1t divorce and wanted him around, maybe Dad died - could be loads of reasons.
The OP starting a new phase in the relationship. Why have some gooseberry there just because they can't be bothered to stand on there own two feet.
For how many years should the OP subsidise the lad? One imagines in this modern world of which you speak, the OP is already supporting another household.
One can be sympathetic without paying for it. I'd support my own offspring, and theirs, I do, but I'd draw the line at someone else's. If Mrs Z ever tires of me, and most days I marvel that she hasn't, then if I entered another relationship no children would be a prerequisite. Mind you, they do say if it's got tits or wheels, rent it. Perhaps that's the way forward.
Tell him to go you decided to live with the G/F, not her family,and if things turn the corner to annoyance, theyll both gang up against you and youll be out.
Talking from experience with my partners son . . .
Depending on your temperament, this situation potentially has all the makings of a massive disaster for all three of you.
My stepdaughter still lives at home and my wife refuses to charge her a penny in rent.
My parents charged me rent from when I left school at 18.
I worked hard, saved up and bought my own place at 21. At which point they gave me my rent back they'd saved and it paid for a bed, sofa, white goods etc.
The noisy sex was motivating though, I have to say 😳
25% of a wage sounds a lot to me tbh. Maybe he'd pay double that for his own place, but not for a flat share, and especially not for a flat share with parents!
That and unless he gets paid very little, his contribution must be helping you financially somewhat?
And he's family...
25% of a wage sounds a lot to me tbh.
Depends what's it for. I took it as board and lodgings ('rent', council, tax, gas, electricity, broadband, food) , you are taking it as just 'rent' I assume. OP needs to clarify as it's a significant difference.
I dream of having 75% of my wage left after all that.
Be careful blood is always thicker than water!
It's been said up there, to square it with your gf save a proportion of his payment. She'll be happy and he'll appreciate it when he buggers off.
It's broken down as £30per week lodge and the rest as a 3rd of the bills. So when he's swanning round with all the lights on, troughing thru the food and spending half an hour in the shower that's what he's paying for 🙂 not unreasonable for living in a £270k house imo
Good deal.
I paid £25 in 1988.ha.
Your "girlfriend"?
When you man up and get committed them you get a say. Until then you have to bank roll them both until you find your balls.
Let's just call it £50 a week all in, % of bills gets too complicated. He's getting a sweet deal if that includes food
Noisy sex is the answer.
+1
plus walking round your house naked
no one could withstand that...
plus walking round your house naked wearing only one rubber glove
FTFY
Is the actual issue here more about the OP having to share the new home with somebody other than the partner? Or about money?
I have three adult kids, two have left home and one still at home. The youngest who is still at home doesn't pay anything to this household, and isn't an issue to us, instead he saves his money for his future.
There is no way that I would force him out, he'll leave when he is ready.
My stepdaughter still lives at home and my wife refuses to charge her a penny in rent.
And you put up with this?
Is the actual issue here more about the OP having to share the new home with somebody other than the partner? Or about money?I have three adult kids, two have left home and one still at home. The youngest who is still at home doesn't pay anything to this household, and isn't an issue to us, instead he saves his money for his future.
There is no way that I would force him out, he'll leave when he is ready.
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My argument is that I'm not subsidising her adult working son while he's living under our roof we've worked years to pay for with no intention of moving out.
The reality is someone else living there costs very little as council tax, water and elect, broadband etc are largely fixed costs as is the mortgage
YOu are neither subsidising him nor charging him the small increase in cost you actually have as a result of him being there
IMHO the fact you dont want to "subsidise a partners child" is the real issue here not how much you can force him to pay because you basically dont want him thre
[quote=Cougar ]My stepdaughter still lives at home and my wife refuses to charge her a penny in rent.
And you put up with this?
No he puts his foot down kicks out the daughter and then he remains happily married for ever after.
Not much you can do when its someone child as their love for them may well be greater [ or at least equal to] their love for you
as others have said, cut him some slack to begin with, if he's got a plan and is pitching in then all well and good, affordability is a killer for people in their 20s and 30s - also if your opening gambit is a confrontation with your future family then that way failure lies... good luck 🙂
Pook, say something that is intelligent.
Cougar - Moderator[i]My stepdaughter still lives at home and my wife refuses to charge her a penny in rent.[/i]
And you put up with this?
Yes, so far, but it's now six weeks since she turned 16 so I'm going to put my foot down as soon as her mock Highers are finished next week.
I'd be sympathetic if he was saving for a deposit on a house of his own rather than wasting the money on nights out, clothes etc. I tend to think that the younger generations have been dealt a pretty rubbish hand these days.
I tend to think that the younger generations have been dealt a pretty rubbish hand these days.
Whilst they have, they have also (been allowed) to develop a pretty entitled minimum standard of living before they consider a wage 'saveable'. The list of wants rather than needs your average live at home 20 odd year old considers essential is a bit embarrassing. Saving for a deposit is a tough gig these days but a good proportion of them don't half make it hard for themselves.
No confrontation with the son. Partner agrees that he should pay his way. He argued why should he pay to live with his mother. Sadly he has no idea that freeloading for the foreseeable future is unacceptable. He said he's moving out so his mother said fine, crack on. He'll be begging to move in with us when he sees what a great deal he's getting
We're lucky in our area that a 4 bed terrace with a garden can be had for £110k so with a wage of nearly £2k a month it's affordable
Maybe you should show him the actual household bills you get and have to pay. Explain to him what they're for and how they're broken down. Have a man to man chat with him.
[I]I'd be sympathetic if he was saving for a deposit on a house of his own rather than wasting the money on nights out, clothes etc. I tend to think that the younger generations have been dealt a pretty rubbish hand these days. [/I]
Jesus, didn't you pi55 it up the wall when younger, or spend it on hols/cars/bikes? I bloody did, and still do. Just now we've kids to come and collect us and brings us back home at gawd knows what time 🙂
Feeling the paternal love in this thread...
Being Scottish "Smell yer ma!" springs to mind
25% of a wage sounds a lot to me tbh
In the real world, my bills come to 65%, and thats before food, and I have to do my own washing!
Being Scottish "Smell yer ma!" springs to mind
Well, that's certainly one approach.
Being euqally Scottish I'm already charging my 5 month old son rent. It's being kept on a tab and will be charged retrospectively once he gets his first paper round.
His mother has still to decide if she'll backdate the rent to include his 9 months spent in the womb.
Being Scottish "Smell yer ma[b]w[/b]!" springs to mind
Yes, so far, but it's now six weeks since she turned 16 so I'm going to put my foot down as soon as her mock Highers are finished next week.
You are joking?
biglee1 - Member
It's broken down as £30per week lodge and the rest as a 3rd of the bills. So when he's swanning round with all the lights on, troughing thru the food and spending half an hour in the shower that's what he's paying for not unreasonable for living in a £270k house imo
This sounds like what I'd consider acceptable. Treat him like an adult and try make him understand what an adult has to deal with, financially (if he's the one who's been to Uni then he should already have an idea of how the world works). Treat him like an adult, share all the bills with him, don't just ask him for money contributions against a notional amount. However, the downside for you is that he will consider himself an equal contributor, you inevitably have to forgo some control, therefore he gets to use the house how he likes, "PARTY BACK AT MY PLACE, 2AM!" (or some degree of that).
It does sound a bit harsh to me but that might just be the tone just sounds like you want rid so the money thing is a side show.
You are basically charging him private landlords rent.
Are you sure you can't 'all' sit down and talk it through to come up with a forward looking plan that everyone is happy with? Having his own (or house share) place will be good for him but forcing him out isn't the only option for him to see it.
You are basically charging him private landlords rent.
£30pw ......private landlords rent? Really?
The £30 sounds cheap to me but he said he is charging him £500 a month all in to live in a house with 3 others plus a couple of occasionals
A house share all inclusive is easily doable for that sort of money.
It just sounds like the op wants rid so doing the 'this is the cost of living sonny' to get him out rather than building real respect between everyone
Like I said might just have been how I was reading it.
is charging him £500
Where are you getting that from? He said 25% of his income and he is earning £2pm. I suspect one is before and the other after tax.
You might be right, but even at £400pm (not the £30 a week you suggested :D) a house share with 3 others plus 2 occasionals is very doable on the private market. Which seems the point of the ops 'lesson' to me, ie getting him out.
Of course there are loads of other things to take into consideration that we don't know. The op sounded harsh to this Dad when I read it.
I had similar with an ex, I think from the parents side is just that want to provide. You may well have an agreeable conversation about what you both think is right, but as soon as the child starts moaning the tension gets felt between the couple and it just becomes an ongoing squabble around the margins as the parent tries to appease both partner and child. Hence I sacked it off, as it became blatantly obvious this tension would never stop, regardless if the agreement was reasonable or not. Tough stuff.
You might be right, but even at £400pm (not the £30 a week you suggested :D)
I am a private market landlord. I can assure you I don't pay the council tax, the utility bills, the broadband/sky bill or for my tenants trip to Tesco. So you initial assertion was total bobbins. I do agree though - in my early 20s I'd have been desperate to leave my parents and on £22Kpa would be finding a way to make it happen.
Have you been drinking 😀
I've never been a landlord but I've lived in a few house shares if that makes any odds to you.
I don't think it's bobbins at all but we can agree to disagree. I thought it sounded a bit harsh in the op you didn't, fairy do-do's
You are joking?
Of course. A little bit 😉
biglee1 - Member
We're lucky in our area that a 4 bed terrace with a garden can be had for £110k so with a wage of nearly £2k a month it's affordable
Surely then a 1 bed flat can be had for £40-50k? So once he can save £6k, maybe 6 months saving, he could afford to BUY, let alone rent?
I absolutely agree with what you're charging, and the whole concept of getting him out of the house.
It's one of those things that he'll thank his mum for in future.
