Sorry for the clickbait title but looking for some advice/input as I'm not sure how/where to go with this.
Junior TS (10) is at a very small school. 30 pupils in total, 2 classes (P1-3 and P4-7). He's in P6 so the rest of this term then one last year before high school. At home there's myself, my wife, 1 younger brother to Junior TS and 1 reasonably well behaved puppy.
History.
He's a sensitive wee soul - very prone to crying and always has been. He's hardy in other ways though - enjoys dog walks, camping, bikes etc. Left to his own devices he'd just play PS every day, he's not very proactive. Still loves his teddy bear and gets a lot of comfort from that. Has two close pals he sees regularly and a few not so close who we see now and again.
He is quite introverted and hates to be 'put on the spot' when asked to express himself about anything. He feels judged and that people will laugh at him.
He's always done ok academically at school and still is. He's quite lazy naturally school wise although talking to teach he does apply himself and takes part in group work/discussions ok.
He' always been really well behaved but this changed massively during the last lockdown. His behaviour became very erratic and uncontrollable at times - throwing things, trying to destroy things in the house, shouting, screaming, really bad temper tantrums. That was all new behaviour. It ended up escalating so that he wouldn't do any schoolwork at all and we had to manage him very delicately to try to stop him tipping over the edge. Speaking to the school at that time they were surprised and ended up taking him back in for an afternoon a week to try to divorce school from home. The behaviours persisted there too. We enlisted the help of a child mental welfare lady through the school as his behaviour had changed so alarmingly and suddenly. He was amenable to this but not very communicative as mentioned before. She felt that he was completely overwhelmed, stressed and anxious, so much so that he couldn't cope with anything and this is kind of where we'd got to as well. The school agreed.
COVID did affect us very badly as a family - we had to move house, our business was impacted and we were all very stressed.
He has stabilised a lot now and not exhibiting those behaviours to the same extent.
Main problem now
He's had problems at school for the last couple of years and it's getting worse. Problems occur outside the classroom rather than inside and this is where advice is needed.
He feels that he is bullied and picked on. There is one cool kid in school that everyone runs round after. He's a wee skite to be honest - even his teachers and parents says so. He's not a physical bully but very charming on the surface and quite manipulative. He's the cool kid and Samuels not in the cool kids club with the rest of them and really feels it. I've spoken to his mum (and one of the other kids parents too) and they were very receptive. Both have spoken to their kids asking them to be sensitive to him and that he can't cope with any mickey taking/rough and tumble etc. The headteacher did the same and this helped him a bit.
I'm stressing he feels here because this is key.
I can see there's rough and tumble in the playground - kids are kids. I can see mini TS is perceived as an easy target because he is quick to cry and get a reaction from. I can see that when some of the other kids take the mick about one of his best mates being a girl it's an easy target and it gets to him too. He constantly asks why they pick on him. This is where things get a bit more complicated.
I can see Samuel reacts to things very dramatically. He could have a great day then a 5 minute argument with his brother or a gentle telling off from me and all of a sudden it's the worst thing in the world and he feels that his whole day is and has been terrible from the moment he got up - no perspective or balance on the temporary blip. I can see that this may well affect his perception of what's going on at school. I guess I don't know how much he is singled out, and how much is down to him feeling that. Another example to show how he sees things - he was talking to someone last night and they asked about his relationship with his brother. He said it's not good and that his younger brother hits him and that they never get on. That's just plain wrong. They have a ball, are great buds and have the occasional argument. He constantly feels that he has no friends and that noone likes him. Again, that's not true. One of his buds was round on Sunday for most of the afternoon and another here yesterday for most of the day. They had a great time outside on the whole and a bit of Minecraft inside too. I'm not dismissing his feelings - they are very real to him, I just honestly don't know how to address things. It's horrible having to force him into school every day and seeing him so miserable about going.
I've seen for a long time he has low self confidence and low resilience and that's something we've tried to work on as a family - he enjoys hooking up with his mates when he can (see above), having sleepovers, getting out and about, fishing and we've got him back to Scouts. We are trying to help him build good relationships and get some self esteem outside the cool kids which should hopefully bleed into the school stuff. He's had a few new insights in the last week or so though which is good - basically that some of the other kids are the losers and don't have much of a life. This was after a day at the outdoor centre when he was buzzing.
We've got him very reluctantly talking to a professional about things but he is very slow to open up. We are hoping that he does at some point and she can help him with his confidence and resilience but if he hates it then is it doing more harm than good. It's over zoom at the mo due to covid.
The headteacher and teacher have been approachable throughout. It's quite clear to me now though that they see it as mostly Samuel's issue and how he deals with things. We are stuck - there is definitely an element of being odd one out/picked on but how much is true and how much are his feelings being coloured by his perception of it. This may sound harsh from our viewpoint but I can see for a fact this his views of some things (e.g. relationship with his brother, example above) are wrong. Also that the view would change if asked in different circumstances (which is normal I guess).
So - any advice/suggestions/insights appreciated.
Thanks if you've read this far!
Have a look at play therapists - FB jnr had one when he was struggling in yr 4. He has CP and was noticing what he couldn't do more compared to his peers and getting frustrated.
From his school year, I guess he has only just moved to Scouts? Have a word with his leaders as there may be activities aligned to his interests he could demonstrate. My son wanted to go to cubs & scouts- I was a bit sceptical but they've welcomed & made allowances for him where necessary. He's managed to go coasteering, paddleboarding, abseiling, kayaking, axe throwing, rifle shooting, archery and on Sunday flew in a microlight. He's needed some assistance, but it really boosts his self esteem.
I wish that I had some constructive advice to offer other than that I think that you're doing an excellent job as a parent in trying to help your son unpick all of this.
Much of what you have said rings certain bells with me – our daughter had some similar challenges in years 5 and 6 (being in England, Year 6 being the last before secondary school so a similar age to your son at the time). Lots of school refusal (not just 'I don't want to go to school' but more 'I physically cannot make myself leave the house' and having panic attacks), massive emotional swings and other negative behaviours. We did similar - getting the school involved, making use of their support services (which wasn't that impressive to be honest). She didn't really understand herself what she was doing or why and she ended up seeing an art therapist who was wonderful. It all sounded like great fun - spend an hour doing Jackson Pollock style paint splatter artworks, doing tie-die teeshirts etc. But all the time, the therapist was talking with her, getting in through little side doors in her head when she was distracted. We have no idea what was ever said by either the therapist or our daughter (it was all confidential) but it worked. She went in Year 7 and the huge jump to 'big school' (in the middle of all this Covid shit) without a moment's hesitation. She can still have some big mood swings occasionally but the change in her is absolutely remarkable. I assume some of the change will simply be growing up too, but that therapist was wonderful.
He could have a great day then a 5 minute argument with his brother or a gentle telling off from me and all of a sudden it’s the worst thing in the world and he feels that his whole day is and has been terrible from the moment he got up – no perspective or balance on the temporary blip.
You are describing all the arguments my OH and I have had recently :-/
Thanks pjm1974 - much appreciated. Really trying to help him but hard to know what to do.
Fb-atb, thanks for that. I’ll have a look at play therapy. He’s not long in Scouts. Great it’s working out for your son. The troop here are really good.
Johndoh - yes, sound similar, cheers. We figure he obviously has something going on and he can’t articulate it. He’s struggling to bond with the lady he’s talking to so needs to do it another way. How did you get in touch with the art therapist? If he’s talking to someone when he’s happy and ‘disarmed’ it’ll really help him. Provision for anything here in the highlands is poor.
We found the therapist through a recommendation from a friend I believe - I am not sure how it came about as we cast a pretty wide net at the time trying to find the right help for our daughter.
The name of the organisation is the Oakdale Centre (Harrogate, North Yorkshire) - if you can't find the right help where you are I guess a long-shot would be to contact them and ask them if they can recommend anyone close to you? I am sure they would try to help.
ASD, then?
Thanks again johndoh. There are a few practitioners in Inverness so not too bad really. I’ll do some more research.
Cougar - no, we don’t think so and neither do any of the professionals we and he have spoken to.
Nothing constructive to add. Just wanted to repeat that you agree doing a fantastic job as a parent.
Not much that I can offer I’m afraid. But you must be doing a great job as you can explain all of this in such a balanced and clear way.
One crumb of comfort I hope you can take is that you certainly seem to have been through the wringer as a family, with all the COVID changes.
My youngest was 10 and suffered more than a bit last year through all the school changes (home schooling, yr 6 transition, 11+), house move and the in’s and outs of ‘friendship’ groups. She worried us - not eating, withdrawn and moody.
But, following a great start at the new school she’s flourishing.
So if I was half as good as you have been in identifying and picking up on issues, it’s more than likely that he will be more than fine by this time next year.
HTH.
Thanks again for the kind words and info. Got a few leads on where we can go next so that’s great. He had a big flare up this afty but came round quicker than normal and eventually could put some perspective on it.
Andrewwreay - thank you! Glad things are working out for your girl. Not easy this parenting thing sometimes.
Fancy a coffee one morning this week? Had similar things going on here as well since GT.
Sounds like a difficult time, best of luck figuring it out. I won't go into detail as your situation sounds more serious and I don't want to detract from it, but my youngest son (10 years old) suffers with confidence and self doubt, and has had issues with others at school. He is always quick to see the negative and, like your son, a 5 minute incident can make the whole day the worst of his life. We've spent a lot of time trying to get him to find and focus on positives, to the point where often at dinner we each share 2-3 good things that happened that day.
I've noticed that over the last year things have improved, I'd put that down to a combination of him being more emotionally mature, looking for positives rather than negatives, and over time managing to get him to open up a little more and understand that if he shares whats on his mind we won't judge and actually might be able to help.
Not bullying per se but had similar behavour changes from eldest son during lockdown. Long story short, we were lucky our local school had a good SEN person who also ran several after school clubs. I suspect some of the same stuff johndoh talked about was going on; he liked the club activities and got on with the SEN lady really well. Massive turnaround in attitude and behaviour followed soon after.
I meet a lot of parents where fibs cause lots of hurt and worry. It's a social taboo and it becomes more about our emotions than the kid's.
I find a lot of parents find it useful to consider fibs as the fourth f in Fight, Flight or Flop.
I bet my bottom dollar that "how is your relationship with your brother?" was a question loaded with connotations that something must be causing these problems.
When I haven't managed to explain my behaviour, I have been cornered and feel helpless, I panic. Then I am given plausible options, such as my brother or friends. It is safer to take them than to sit with uncertainty that my head is a mess. I fib and get out of the corner!
My top tip in considering behaviour is to get away from "why" and toward "what".
Why is a complex question. Ask me "why do I breathe" and my brain works extremely hard to get multiple hypotheses and the answer could be quite complex.
Ask me "what happens if I stop breathing?" The answer is much simpler to get at. Ask me a more interesting what question like "what happens when I breathe" the answers will be complex and multiple, but easy to get to.
So with your kids behaviour and worries you could be thinking about. What are you Seeing when you feel intimidated? What would it be like if you took a deep breath? What are the other kids trying to show when they rough and tumble? What could we do to help you feel confident?
Sorry if you aren't after a complex piece of psychotherapy! Btw not a psychotherapist. But a Jack if all trades when it comes to Child Development.
@tonyd - that’s excellent, thanks. We do try to make sure he reflects on positives when he’s receptive. He will get through all this, just keen to make sure it’s in the right day with minimum long term impacts.
@mrmonkfinger - thanks. It would be great if he had a pro to talk to that he gets on with. He takes ages to thaw so playing/being otherwise distracted would be great. Working on it.
