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This surely has legs. What have you lot got?
My other half is a WFH childminder. One of her wards is a precocious 2-3 year old who's learned the word "why?" I don't think she knows what it means, but she's worked out that it garners attention. I was nipping out a couple of weeks back.
"What are you doing?"
I'm putting my shoes on.
"Why?"
Because I'm going out.
"Why?"
I'm going to the shop.
"Why?"
Because I need to buy some things.
"... are you going for dirty beer?"
During the summer holidays we save boxes up for some twins who then make things out of them.
One made a castle the other made a space ship. On showing me the picture of the ship he described all the bits , the thruster , the fins etc.
I asked him if he was going to the moon in it , he looked at me as if I was dirt and then replied " no ,it's a cardboard box"
A 4 year old well and truly put me in my place.
We were babysitting our 3 year old granddaughter and she came to see me working on my bike in the garage. She soon got bored and went back into the house to play with her dolly. When her mum came round to pick her up, she was just putting a bandage on her dollys arm (her mum was a nurse).
Mum asked "has dolly hurt her arm?"
Child replies "Yes, it is proper bolloxed"
For some reason her mum then glared at me!
My son many years ago, talking about our cat…. “Mummy, Roxy’s perving”
My daughter, also many years ago… “Grandma, I’m watching Netchix”
My daughter last night and a decade older… “When we go to Florida next year, do we have to go to a gun range?”
I remember tickling my daughter and as i did so she let rip with an amighty fart...
She just turned to me at 4 years old and went "dad.. you know my tickle circuit is connected to my trumping circuit.."
Because I need to buy some things.
“… are you going for dirty beer?”
In a similar vein, a classic from a mates daughter…
”is that mummy back from the supermarket now? I can hear the wine bottles clinking up the drive”
”You can’t. Mummy buys her wine in boxes”
At a family gathering.
Gramps,you've had two wives. Which was your favourite?
In the car with partner, 2 year old son and my mum. Quiet for a few moments then....
"Who's King Shite?"
"errr...."
"Dad talks about him a lot"
Had my godson staying with us, I was administering breakfast and had the option between skimmed and whole milk.
Me "So, do to want Blue Cow milk or Red Cow milk on your Weetabix?"
Him: *Stunned befuddlement*
Me: "Are you O.K. there?"
Him (very quietly and nervously) "Ummm I'm not sure, all the cows near us are black and white"
Bless his little cotton socks
Incidentally,
What inspired this thread was a comment from a friend elsewhere on the Internet, "My child asked me this morning if they had cars when I was little."
Sitting watching TV with my pal's daughter who must have been 3 or 4 at time.
She lets out an enormous couch-rippling fart (she's definitely her mother's daughter)
And continues to watch TV unmoved.
"was that you?" I said
"no", without turning her attention from the TV "I was the bears on the television"
"But there aren't any bears on the television" I replied
and she turned to me and said witheringly "they're on the other channel"
Asked Funk Jr who is favourite Star Wars character was when he was about six "Bob the Vet" was his reply.
We've never sworn around the kids and when Funkette was about four she was trying to put a towel on the radiator. After several attempts and watching the towel fall to the floor for the umpteenth time, she sighed like an old man, shook her head and in a weary tone muttered "for ****s sake"
I am 50, yesterday my colleague in her 20s asked if i remembered the moon landings
I'm 62 and have worked in the same school for 34 years. Today a pupil asked me if I taught her great great grandmother Enid.
We have one child, she's an 18yo now.
Two perticular incident stand out among many,
When she was 3 or 4 she I'd bring her to the local independent wine shop when I was stocking up.
One time owner offered her a small chocolate bar,
As said, only child, she takes the bar, says "Thank you, can I have one for my little brother ?"
I'm surprised but impressed, but before I can catch myself I say "Emma, you don't have a little brother"
To which she puts on a puzzled expression, turns to the owner and says "Can I have one for my little sister"
I said nothing and let her blag the second chocolate bar.
= = = =
Second incident, picking her up from the creche, age 3, she turns to the female manager and says "My dad has a tail!"
Cue brief moment of puzzlement for both of us, followed by simultaneous penny dropping, then big red embarrassment faces on the pair of us...
A friend's son once turned to his mum and earnestly asked her 'mummy, do policemen say f*** as well?'
I volunteer at the local primary to read with the kids, one of them was having a bit of trouble with her phonics.
'b-a-t-h. Bat-h?'
'oooh, nearly. So you know those first two sounds, but remember, if we put the t and h together, we get the th sound. So it's b-a-th, bath'.
*Confused face* 'but it's bath, not Barth?'
'ah yes, that's because I come from another part of the country, and we pronounce it a bit differently.'
*Long stare*
...
'My mummy says that's posh.'
My 4yo sat having his dinner:
“I’m not a knob.”
Me: “excuse me!? Where did you hear that!?”
Him: “You called that man a knob when we were driving.”
Or the time when he was out in the car with my wife and he piped up with “that bloody digger’s in the way again!” I had a few questions to answer later that day.
We’ve never sworn around the kids
yeah, my 3 year old’s pronunciation is still quite poor, and yet, when he can’t quite get his toy car to balance in the way he wants, he mumbles under his breath what can best be typed as “ughhhh… unk sake” and wanders off. Pretty sure I know what he’s saying, but I don’t think mums picked up on it yet. I hope it wasn’t me that taught him it.
To be honest, I see it as quite a communicative and emotionally aware expression! Better than his sister who’s never heard swearing so has had to invent her own “poo poo bum bum wee wee”.
When Mini 10 was a toddler, he and Mrs.10 were driving somewhere. Someone darted across behind her as Mrs.10 backed out of the drive, and she had to jam on her brakes. In response to this, Mini 10 said, "****ing People". It's a proud dad moment!
'Oh dear, have you been sick?'
'yes'
'Are you OK?'
'Yes?'
'Were you eating cat food?'
'Yes!'
(dry, at least)
Many years ago, niece about 4, upon unwrapping a Christmas present…”not another bloody puzzle”.
Nephew about 5, came into the kitchen complaining older nephew (7ish) had kicked him, voice from the other room “no I didn’t, I was kicking myself and he got in the way!”
LOL!
My sister trying to teach her middle son to say please and thank you:-
Him - Mum get me a Fanta
Her - pardon
Him - I want a Fanta
Her - pardon
Him - are you ****ing deaf
Trying to get out the house at the weekend and we couldn't find my 6 year olds shoes
Me - Luke where are your shoes ?
6 year old - I'm gonna say the USA
My 5yo boy informed me that what I was suggesting he do was a dumbass idea. I requested clarification (probably with amusement written all over my face and tone of voice) so he changed the wording to bad instead of dumbass.
I don't openly swear around the kids either, refraining if within earshot. Looking forward to not minding my language so much when they're a bit older although I don't swear a great deal anyway.
My sister in law picked up her then three year old daughter from nursery and the teacher wanted a word, apparently one of the toys was broken and my niece took it up to her when asked what was the matter she replied "It's **** ed."
I’m 62 and have worked in the same school for 34 years. Today a pupil asked me if I taught her great great grandmother Enid.
Well ... did you?
When i was a teenager a friend told me about an incident when he was very young and somewhat naive. A man came to visit his parents in order to discuss a mortgage/loan or somesuch. It was a "very important meeting"and he was warned to be on his best behaviour.
The man was very large. Said friend was a bit suprised by how large and remarked loudly enough for everyone to hear "Mum - that man's really fat!"
"Be quiet Daniel" said his Mum.
"But he is Mum, he's very fat"
"Yes Daniel - be quiet"
"But you told me to always tell the truth. He IS fat!"
He was so large that they had to open both the double doors so the poor chap could get into the living room - something never normally required.
"See - I told you he is really fat!"
It must have been incredibly embarrassing for everyone but Daniel, who was very upset that he was just being honest.
Little one in church one Sunday after a Sunday school experiment.
At some point in the proceedings the vicar in his sermon mentions "Jesus Christ"
Little one proudly, at the top of her voice to a hushed congregation "My Daddy says that !"
Second-hand, but my mate took his young daughter to a tourist attraction where one of the features was a child-sized house with a child-scaled lounge, kitchen, etc. He saw and heard one of the other children pick up the child-scaled phone, say "how many times have I told you not to call me here", slam it back down and stomp away in a huff.
We took our 4-years boy to the local Christingle service.
The vicar appeared. The lights were switched off briefly and back on as he started to talk about Christ, the Light of the World; all very significant
Later he told his grandpa, "...and then there was a power cut"
Twenty years later and my wife has decided that a pouffe would be a worthwhile addition to the living room, "You can't say that!"
A friend of ours found the family hamster lying lifeless on the kitchen floor. She explained to her tearful 4 yr old daughter that no pets live forever, sometimes they die and that's all part of the natural scheme of things. She then told her they'd go to Pets at Home and buy a new one. Little Emma cheered up and said
"I'll have to make sure I don't stand on the new one won't I?"
Last school term my daughters class were learning about private body parts (she’s 7).
That day I came off my bike on the commute to work and cut my leg / bruises etc.
Got home and she was in the kitchen - I showed her my bruises / cut knee. My daughter then said “I hope your penis is ok”.
A friend of ours found the family hamster lying lifeless on the kitchen floor. She explained to her tearful 4 yr old daughter that no pets live forever, sometimes they die and that’s all part of the natural scheme of things. She then told her they’d go to Pets at Home and buy a new one. Little Emma cheered up and said
“I’ll have to make sure I don’t stand on the new one won’t I?”
A bit of a diversion from youngsters, but a similar tale of coming to terms with mortality. My GF coaches a team of older swimmers with various disabilities and additional needs. One of the swimmers told her at the weekend about a budgie that she had adopted. It had been found in the street, had seemingly been hit by a car and had broken wings and couldn't fly - it had been taken to the police station to see if the owner could be trace but seemingly noone wanted it, it was seemingly abandoned and she could keep it "So I took him home and put him in a cage and he died. I called him 'Lucky' "
That 2 year old might be smarter than you think: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_whys !
This thread shows one of the best things about having kinds.
The absolute greatest thing my lad ever said was during a car journey, and went thus:
Him: "Dad, what does that red letter L mean on the back of that car?"
Me "Ah thats called an 'L' plate, L stands for Learner driver, its so that I know they are learning, they might make a few mistakes, and I can be extra careful and patient when driving to give them plenty of space as they might not be very good at driving yet"
Him "Maybe Mummy could have some of those for when she is cooking"
I absolutely creased so hard I nearly had to pull over. Mum, in the left hand seat, not so much.
Oh and another good one:
Him "Dad, what does disabled mean?"
Me (exhales, oh boy, here we go) : "Well son, its when peoples bodies might not work the same as ours....." (cue long drawn out, very tactfully put explanation of disabilities and why we shouldnt discriminate, not all disabilities are visible, everyone has a superpower, etc etc... "Why do you ask?"
Him "The TV says its speakers are disabled"
He saw and heard one of the other children pick up the child-scaled phone, say “how many times have I told you not to call me here”, slam it back down and stomp away in a huff.
Oh, that reminds me! For background, one of my wife's friends is a bit of a battle axe, and her poor husband runs a small specialist engineering company, so long days at the workshop.
One of the first times I met them their 3 year old was playing with a toy phone, pretended to answer it and said "What are you doing at the workshop at this time?" Short pause. "So what time are you coming home then?"
Dad found it hilarious, mum less so.
Out of the mouths of babes...and all down the back of your jacket.
2 spring to mind, a cute one and a darkly funny one.
* Driving along in winter and Mini V asked why the car had a snowflake lit up on the dash, I explained it was to let me know that there was a risk that the roads might be icy, she said "Will it show a picture of a rainbow if there's going to be one?"
* Walking around Tesco, with Mini V in the trolley, trying to keep up with Mrs V who kept disappearing and reappearing at the ends of different aisles. I said "Shall we chop mummy's legs off?", she exclaimed "NO!" then thought for a second and said "We haven't got a knife."
Out of the mouths of babes…and all down the back of your jacket.
Or in both beds in your campervan at 2am on a campsite in Devon while it's pouring with rain outside
Or in both beds in your campervan at 2am on a campsite in Devon while it’s pouring with rain outside
Or down the back of the bride's dress as she gets a last cuddle before we leave the wedding early.
I have saved some of the things my girls said when they were younger so I can embarrass them with it in later life (they are now 15)....
***
Child 1:
(Looking at a history book about the war just before her 5th birthday and asking who are the baddies)
Daddy: The baddies (the Germans) wear crosses around their necks
Child 1: Do the goodies wear ticks?
Child 1:
(Watching mummy eating toast with seeds in the bread)
Child 1: What are those?
Mummy: Seeds
Child 1: If we plant them can we grow a toast tree?
Child 1:
'Daddy, how did the dinosaurs all die'?
'Well, a big comet flew in from space and hit them all on their heads'
'Ohhh. That must have hurt. Did they go to Dinosaur Hospital'?
Child 2:
On seeing a plane high in the sky: I couldn't get my head in there, it's too
small.
***
Child 2:
The Three Kings rode into Bethlehem on Cannibals.
At a village fete in Northants my then 4yo daughter gave a word-perfect rendition of the limerick 'There was an old of Ealing' ....to the vicar's wife.
Not quite 'out of the mouths' but...
...I was taking my 5 year old grandson on a GolF Ball Hunt in the woods next to the local golf ball. I was kicking the leaves around and busy looking on the floor for gold balls when I realised he was wandering around looking in the trees.
"You won't find them in the trees" I said
"There's one" he says as he points up at a golf ball wedged in the fork of a branch.
When I was about 7, I was out riding my bike with one of my cousins, who is four years older than me. He fell off his bike, the chain came off, and he couldn't get it back on, at which point, he pronounced that his bike was a "stupid c". I had never heard the word before and assumed it meant that something was broken. Later that day, I was at my cousin's house when my aunt said that her washing machine had broken down. I piped up " your washing machine is a stupid c". I got yelled at for a bit and then asked where I had heard that word. I told her that my cousin had said it. He got quite a spanking.
Many years ago, we were in a bar watching a Grand Prix, German friend asks first born (about 4) if he liked Michael Schumacher, straight away he answered
"No, he's a dirty cheating Nazi".
Friend laughed it off and child later re-briefed not to repeat things he had heard, wasn't from me so not sure where he had picked it up from.
A few months after an Easter holiday in Wales. As we drive from England into Scotland at Gretna there is a gap between the signs country signs. The whole car cheers both England and Scotland signs, with suitable pause in between.
A suitable 'brain cogs turning' time later, smallest_OAB aged around 4 asks 'is the gap Wales'?
Not exactly cute, but....
We were in a bookshop near to Christmas buying my wife a book she wanted and which my daughter insisted on carrying.
As we reached the front of the queue I said the her 'Give the book to the lady so we can pay for it'
'That's not a lady, he has short hair'
'It is, some ladies choose to have short hair'
'Well, it makes her into an ugly looking lady'
Book was paid for, pocketed and out of the shop in record time with apologies profuse.
**
Slightly cuter, my son announced one day 'Dad; your mouth is where jokes go to die' I have searched and asked if that's from a film or something; apparently not and he made it up on his own.
I hoped this thread would deliver. My favourites thus far are the L-plates and the toast tree, actual LOL at both of those.
My sister trying to teach her middle son to say please and thank you:-
That reminds me of one of my own.
I was at infant school, so I'd have been maybe 6 or 7. Back in the days before Thatcher Thatcher Milk Snatcher, you got a little carton of milk at a breaktime. After school, you could go and ask for another from the day's leftovers.
Now, I liked milk - my first home was a dairy farm for gods' sake - but I liked it fresh and cold, not after it'd been sat on a table in a sunny office for six hours. I left school for the day, got collected by my folks who went "where's your milk?" and sent me back to get some.
I sloped off back into school, went to the office, asked "can I have some milk?"
The teacher said, "what's the magic word?"
I had no idea what she was on about. I'd been taught to say please and thank you but not using that term. So I blurted out, "abracadabra?"
I got a bollocking for being cheeky and was sent packing, crying, bereft of milk which I didn't want anyway but was child-logic distraught when I didn't get it.
Another from me as a kid.
At my grandparents, playing I Spy with the family. "I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with L.B."
I had them going for ages. I was getting increasingly excited at my spot as everyone failed to guess it. In the end they conceded defeat.
At which point I proudly puffed out my chest, pointed at the table and declared, "Lastic Band."
Child 1: If we plant them can we grow a toast tree?
I mean, I'm going to try, just in case
Or down the back of the bride’s dress as she gets a last cuddle before we leave the wedding early
Or into a shoe in a shoe shop & hurriedly put back on the shelf without fessing up to the staff*
*By ex wife, I wasn't there m'lud
Driving past the White Horse* in High Wycombe, youngest wanted to know why the sign outside said "Exotic Dangers" and what were they?
* Low rent strippers pub
Toddler on the train just now has announced to the whole carriage that daddy has gone to the toilet, and that if mummy needs to go she will go with her and hold her handbag.
I immediately thought of this thread.
In the queue for the checkout at ASDA one time, there was a kid in the baby hammock fold-down seat thing in the trolley in front of me. Points at me and yells "NAKED!" Gods know where that came from but I'm surprised the authorities weren't informed.
I used to take my kids to a mums and toddlers group at the local Baptist Chapel. I worked shifts so was often there for various sessions, and there was of course an element of novelty based around cute blond/e boy-girl twins and a doting dad. A lot of the mums there used to make quite a fuss of us/me, and one of the supervisors was married to a cop on my team.
One day said supervisor returned from taking my lad to the toilet and said, with an obvious gleam in her eye "James says you have a very big tail." I muttered something about it being relative then realised the gleam in her eye may have been ironic, as her husband was nicknamed "Crutch". Apparently he was hung like a draught excluder, and had actually been given a round of applause in the showers at training school.
On the motorway, me, wife, 2 daughters.
Some dick cuts is up, so I say "what is he, girls?" to a joyous chorus of "he's a moron!"
My wife said that we shouldn't be rude about other drivers who make mistakes, and that she doesn't call people morons, does she?
Cue little'un in the back "mum says 'fuggerell'"
*************
My brother (or maybe even one of my parents; they were definitely there) once told my daughter (maybe 9 or 10) that he and I had grown up in Stockton
"Isn't that the bag of skin that holds your testicles?"
At a play ground with 8 and 10 year old daughters of a friend who was in hospital. They suggest a form of tag/catch. I'm duly caught and dragged to the ground. Then it's my turn... Catch the 10 year old who then yells "he's not my father".... To be fair it did make me let go sharpish...
A slightly awkward one here, but I was at the swimming pool with my girls when they were about 6 or 7 – we were all getting changed in a family cubicle and one of them said (quite loudly) 'daddy, don't put your willy in my face'.
I've almost certainly posted this before, and it's topic-adjacent rather than on topic. But it's my thread so sod it, this absolutely slayed me.
I'm walking back to the car across ASDA car park. I always park at the back because the car park is a prick.
Heading my way towards the store is a youngish-looking couple with two little kids. The dad has a little girl on his shoulders, the mum is holding the hand of a slightly older-looking lad.
The dad pipes up, "hey kids, who's that over there? Is it granny? Is it?" and points to somewhere behind me.
Now, granny must be awesome, because the kids promptly lose their goddamn minds. The little girl screams "Granny! Granny!" The lad is dragging his mum forwards, shouting likewise.
Dad: "Is it? Is it granny? Is it? Is that granny over there?"
By now the girl is bouncing up and down on dad's shoulders like Tickle Me Elmo, squealing "grannygrannygrannygranny!!"
Dad: "Is it? Is it granny?"
The lad has torn away from his mum's grip and is away across the car park like Usain Bolt. "GRANNY! GRANNY!"
Dad: "Is that granny?!" (boing, boing, boing, granny)
Just as our paths cross, mum turns to dad.
Mum: "Is it granny?"
Dad, very quietly: "No."
As previously mentioned, my partner is WFH as a childminder for 2-3 year olds.
One of the girls trips over S and F. I've just been down to get a drink and she's got herself 'stuck' behind the sofa. So clear as you like she announces this fact, "I'M F***!"
There's quite a gap in age between me and my two younger siblings. I was babysitting them and my sister, about seven was talking absolute bobbins. I told her that we don't tell lies to our little brother, about five. She put her hands up and said "ignore him James it's okay to lie in this house"
3year old in the car:
"Daddy, can we find some bees tomorrow?"
"Errr, yes. Where?"
"The Carribbean".
"Errr, OK. And what will we do with them?"
"We'll feed them to flowers. And then we'll feed them to you."
"Ok."
"And the sheep will eat your face.".
"What have you been watching with your Mother?"
In the car on our way to a few days camping, wife checked forecast which had improved since the last time she checked, said "Looks like Summer's finally here!"
4 y.o, from the back, with genuine delight: "Yay! Summer, my favourite day of the year!"
Another one...
Putting boots on and agitated my dodgy Achilles. I wince and suck through my teeth and just as I am about to start the battle, 3 year old says "F#@&ING hell, Dad?"
I say no and admonish her Mother.
======================
Me, age 8 on the bus into town, sat with school friend, Mum with his Mum. Bus stops and driver disappears into bus station. Friend asks "Wonder where he's gone?".
I respond, to the quiet bus "Maybe he's gone to get tw#£ed?"
Mum spins around and doesn't know whether to throttle me or hide.
MY nephew around 8 yrs old. We were on a small plane and I am a very unhappy flyer. After we landed - me full on white knuckle grip on the armrests he loudly said " perhaps you should have read this first"" and handed me the emergency info sheet. I think everyone on the plane laughed. Little bastard
Our have come out with the usual "that lady looks like a man" and some others.
One that sticks in my mind is in CentreParks in Belgium for our eldest's 3rd birthday she got frustrated at something and shouted "**** it!". when we asked where she had heard that she tried claiming Maui says it when he meets Moana in the film. We then watched that bit so she could show us and at that point she admitted "Ok it was Mummy, she uses that word a lot"
This also has to be a classic from the telly
There was another time when we were on holiday, I think I'd be 10. We were playing around the pool when a kid dropped a log and it was floating around. There was another kid in the pool, that we'd befriended and his parents were shouting him to swim up towards us and get out. At which point, I shouted "and keep your mouth shut".
Playing in the garden with my 4-yo niece, she spots a tiny spider in the grass and gleefully winds up to stamp on it. I stop her doing so and explain that it's not cool to kill spiders. She quietly absorbs this information with a serious, pondering expression on her little face, then asks:
"What can we kill?"
At Bristol Hippodrome.
My partners boy about 4, was at a performance.
Start of performance a man typing/saying "Once upon a time.. blah blah there was boy", he couldn't get the story right... After half a dozen goes.
My partners boy stands up and shouts it's Alladin!!!
Much to the vocalamusement of the whole Hippodrome.
Miss J used to call the TV remote the “ buddy apper “ because she’d often heard her parents saying “where’s the bloody zapper”
This morning Funkette, aged six, woke us at six by careening in to the room dressed as batgirl and bouncing on the bed. In an attempt to get rid of her I asked her to go brush her teeth. Her response "Batgirl will end you and is too busy lasering to brush her teeth"
Last year at Alton Towers she was stood holding my hand watching the ride Oblivion. As the people plummeted over the side screaming and disappeared in to the tunnel, she turned to me with a puzzled expression and casually asked "Are they dead now Pip?" (my name is Phill and she somehow started calling me Pip and it has stuck).
Driving through Switzerland, we stopped at a services, where the Swiss bizarrely choose to have an adult shop at the entrance - complete with window display . One of our 5 year old sons points at a mannequin wearing crotchless knickers and a peephole bra and says - “Those pants are worn out - they have a hole in them.”.
It was the same holiday, where the same son slipped off a padded tunnel in the children’s pool and exclaimed extremely loudly “My left nut!”* We could have ignored it and made a claim that he wasn’t ours. Unfortunately - his matching twin sat between my legs eating chips.
*He got that from walking through the living room on the way to the bathroom at night - when his mum and I were watching Tropic Thunder.