You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
Gah, talk about embarrassing, but I'm a bit stuck the moment as I find there is something missing in my life.
Pretty much, I worked hard all my life, went to a good Uni, got a good degree and now have a secure job. Throughout this time I kept telling myself that all the work would be worth it. Now, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do, because there are no more goals. Worse, I've sacrifised my social skills and about the only thing I'm secure with is working.
Constantly working is getting a bit unhealthy. I find I cannot connect to anything outside work. Also, I think I've aged mentally as I find myself hating everything that young people seem to enjoy which makes finding new people to talk to difficult.
I'm in my early 20s and I've come to the point that I realise I need to sort out my non work life, otherwise I'll be a hermit until I die. Saddly, I don't seem to have the balls to stick my neck out and do things that other people can do easily, so that has to be corrected. How I turned into such a wuss is beyond me.
Anyway, feel free to ridicule me as much as you want, but if anyone has any suggestions as to what steps to take to becoming more rounded that would be much appreciated.
Probably the wrong place to ask, but it's worth a go.
Thanks,
T
Group ride with some chaps off here?
[url= http://www.amazon.co.uk/4-Hour-Work-Week-Escape-Anywhere/dp/0091923727 ]read this[/url], then do something about it
you are on a biking forum right?
So I assume you are into riding bikes and there lies your answer.
wonder about this myself constantly to the point where i waste so much time thinking about the things I don't do which leaves me no time to do the things I think about doing.
Advice I got thrust upon me was to do little things, nothing special or amazing, and build up from there. Make some time a few days a week to go out for a ride, somewhere new each time if possible.
The time you have riding will clear your mind a little and the endorphins always help too. From there you'll have a better launching point to try new stuff should you wish.
What I've found is doing the ordinary stuff (bit of cleaning around the house, sitting down with a magazine and listening to music with a nice cup of coffee) can sometimes be better than going out and trying paragliding or skydiving, but as people there is always a burning desire to be adventurous.
[mock mode] you could try M'ingTFU [/mock mode] only joking 😀
Where do u live timothius??
Anywhere round the east coast of scotland and ill treat you to a few beers and some fantastic biking/climbing/skiing etc.
Let me know fella.....
Yup, I should definitely go on a group ride. Unfortunantly the prospect is rather intimidating. Still non-serious rides in the Surrey Hills would be good start. Any way to find such a group?
Edit: Boba - good advice! Never thought of taking small steps for some reason. And yup, I often spend so much time thinking about it that nothing ever comes about.
mactheknife - I'm near Guildford so no where near, but thanks for offer. Much appreciated.
What sort of things do you want to be doing? Are there some simple, basic goals that you could list, and attempt them one at a time?
What's currently stopping you doing these things?
I'll be flat out honest and say recently biking's been the best thing in my life, it's got me outside, put me back in touch with old friends I should never have lost touch with and new friends I would never have met. I basically lost the social life I had when I broke my hip, I was too immobile for a while and then too much of a miserable c**t for a long time, and getting back on track is not easy at all. But it comes along bit by bit.
Hey man, I am not far from you and very much prefer non-serious riding!
Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have any workmates you socialise with outside of work? Do you have family nearby or siblings? You could go to Salsa, or a photography group or become a volunteer planting trees!
I think the key here is to feel the fear and do it anyway!
How about taking a week off work and getting yourself to somewhere like Switchbacks?
Not exactly a small thing but sounds like you need a holiday, and the experience could change the way you feel about yourself...
Beej: Pretty much just mundane things. Drinks at the pub, cycle rides, having a laugh. Finding someone that you can talk to about life in general. Being more confident and less intimidated over mundane things, such as what people think of you, how you look etc.
The main problem comes down in insecurity. For some stupid reason i'm adverse to anything unknown. So I pretty much stick to the same routine (wake up, go to work, work, go home and sleep) and never go out except to get the essentials.
I know I should MTFU, but how? Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people? Seems completely alien to me. I just need to find some non intimidating way of talking to similar people.
Join a MTB club ?
Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people?
Did a fair bit of this as a mature student in Edinburgh - all my classmates were about 17 and liked things like Slipknot and cheap cider 🙁
Have to say, walking into pubs and starting conversations with strangers doesn't come naturally to me either - usually made a bee line for the pool table. That way you can be in the company of other blokes without ever actually having to talk...
Hmmm - stick with bikes maybe....
Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people?
You can do that but then you will just end up meeting drunk people. Much better to find a way that you are in regular contact with a group of people of a similar age, like salsa or volunteering. That way you get to develop relationships over time rather than expecting some instant spark of rapport with some strangers. Internet dating is always a hoot as well...
talking to similar people
Vive la difference old chap, everyone is different and sometimes talking to people completely different from yourself is exactly what you need to shake a certain mindset.
Pick something small to try - walking into a pub alone is fairly intimidating. Have you got a local bike shop? Always good places to chat plus you can ask about where to ride etc.
Are there people at work who you get on with? Anyone else you could ride with? It's easier to go out with one person you sort of know, than turn up with an unknown group.
Torminalis' "feel the fear and do it anyway" can work - but start small. Where do you buy food? Could you go to a local butcher/baker where you can have an easy interaction with a "stranger"?
(EDIT - you realise you've just walked into a virtual pub and struck up a conversation with a bunch of strangers?)
Hey Timothius, if you fancy coming on a ride in Sussex let me know, you'd be more than welcome. I've just got back into riding and have met some great people through it.
Do you not have any old mates at all that you could get in touch with?
Otherwise, join a mtb club? Do you play an instrument? If so, form a band?
Yes, it's taking small steps to get out of your comfort zone.
Some very good suggestions have been made and you've already got some invites for rides so that's a terrific start. 🙂
See, nobody has ridiculed you. You just need to believe in yourself and remember that other people aren't necessarily as super-confident as they appear.
Good luck.
beej makes a good point. If you really uncomfortable socially: when next in a shop...
Say hello, how are you?
They'll ask you the same back.
Reply with yeah not bad (or whatever) then mention the weather.
Standard British conversation starter.
Going into a pub alone, unless you have a tale of the Mrs doing your head in and needing to escape, your watching sport, or you live in a small village, is not that normal IMO.
Try taking up a martial art. Brilliant for fitness, confidence and meeting people. And you get buff.
Torminalis' "feel the fear and do it anyway" can work - but start small.
Fair point. There does come a point though when you have to move out of your comfort zone and trying to chat up the local butcher might just make you feel like an oddball. I think a reasonably bold move, something as simple as starting a night class might be a very good way to do something different but also allow you to pick your level of involvement at any one time.
All IMO of course, I do not know the OP but wish him the best of luck.
Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people?
Go into a gay pub or club and people talk to you, just explain politely youre not gay if asked, but just called in for a drink, all very chatty they be.
I used to be exactly the same now i talk to anybody , the girl or lad onn the checkout, the bin man, the customers i have,anyone,some you get a responce from and some you dont, just be freindly ask questions about their job, dont smile like a loony, just be yourself and things get easier as you meet more people.
Remember theres a lot of lonely people out there all with exactly the same fear, just embrace them, not physically at first,try to talk to one stranger per day, just possibly say hello, or say you do a good job to the cleaner /canteen staff etc, the sort of people who rarely get acknowledged by others.
C-G is right most people aren't as confident as they appear, myself included.
Go into a gay pub or club and people talk to you, just explain politely youre not gay if asked, but just called in for a drink
Erm what now?! That's very strange advice IMO. As is chatting up the local butcher....
User removal,
No, it helps build confidence and takes you out of your comfort zone, walk intoa normal pub , and usually only drunks or the idiot in the corner want to speak to you.
Hmm, not sure if teasing the local gay community will build confidence, but I won't knock it 'til I've tried it 🙂
Lots of excellent advice and I'm feeling far less down now.
The Southern Yeti: I think your right, a holiday is needed. I've taken 2 days off in the past 6 months, so I should do something. Jumping on a plane and going to spain doesn't sound all that bad - if things go horribly wrong, well it all happend in spain!
Torminalis: I have a sister which I get on well with, but we are so different (she does plays lots of classical music, I don't) that we don't often do things together. Girlfriend... Hah...
I have been considering volunteering recently after hearing about old people homes needing people to talk to the residents. I've always got on with older people much better than the young.
User-removed: Sticking with bikes does sound preferable. My friends at uni were also very goal orientated. They all went into banking (I went into engineering) so we now have little in common. They never respond to my messages to them so I've given up.
beej: The people I get on with at work tend to be married, with kids etc, so don't do much outside work. Our social events suck as well - they tend to book a place and you end up talking to work people about work all night. Gah. Talking on the internet is easy though, because the sudo anonymity removes all risk.
Everyone: Overall, thanks again for all the advice and the ride offers. I will definitely have to follow up on those. I thought this would turn into a massive timothius bash but that has not been the case. The suggestions have been excellent and it's up to me to make the effort to fix my existance. Sorry to the people I've not responded to specifically to this post - you advice is just as appreciated too.
There's a slight difference between chatting up the butcher and asking "what do you recommend"? Depends if the butcher's cute or not. Though in my experience they rarely are. Bakers might be a better bet, ask about floury baps.
Lots of good suggestions here - it will almost certainly be uncomfortable doing something first time - whenever I've gone to something new it's been hard the first time and much easier from there on. Night classes are good as most people go there alone and tend to be open and friendly because of that.
Share your problems, talk about them and make freinds, oh so easy, and possibly have a laugh along the way. 🙂
On meeting folk in pubs - I have done - met a whole group of friends some of whom have become close lifelong friends.
This is after moving to Edinburgh when I was 30 and not knowing anyone.
Obviously a lot of beer was drunk but also motorbiking / camping / mountainbiking and all sorts of shenanigans
Just from sitting at the bar blethering to people
The gay bar idea although crazy isn't so bad. If I ever find myself hundreds of miles from here it might not be such a bad idea. People might talk to me first for once heh. (Would have to be somewhere that I never intend to go back to though - if the word got out some people would just not understand)
Talking on the internet is easy though, because the sudo anonymity removes all risk...
[url= http://www.plentyoffish.com ]Go Fishing for girls...[/url]
Just say more than 'Hi', but not something perverted and they'll start talking back. Many hours of fun. If you seem to hit it off with one of them, don't waste time with loads of messages... ask to meet her in the real world.
TSY, you cheeky scamp - plenty of fish is awful! fine for vicky pollard types... there are better sites... so I'm told....
Wow - just looked at night classes in Guildford. Never realised that there were so many and so varied. Most don't require dressing up and gyrating about either... Bookbinding sounds appealing.
The Southern Yeti - Never knew such a thing existed...must be some interesting stories centered around meetings on that site.
😆 iDave, but it's free!
Possible explains why it's the Weatherspoons of internet dating I suppose...
I would steer clear of plenty of fish. From what I've heard, the girls only seem to be interested in casual sex and one night stands.
sc-xc - Member
I would steer clear of plenty of fish. From what I've heard, the girls only seem to be interested in casual sex and one night stands.
Sudden influx of new members...........
See Timothius, you're not lacking social skills... I was about to start harping on about the fun a different site has provided me with over the last few months. But it apparently makes me sound too Awesome.
Yes there are stories... the one's I've been told (about other guys) by the women I've met are very interesting indeed!
I met someone who looked nothing like her photo as it turned out she was only on Plenty of Fish to stalk her ex 😯
timothius - Member
The gay bar idea although crazy isn't so bad. If I ever find myself hundreds of miles from here it might not be such a bad idea. People might talk to me first for once heh. (Would have to be somewhere that I never intend to go back to though - if the word got out some people would just not understand)Posted 9 minutes ago # Report-Post
Dont give a toss about what others perceptions are of your new freinds,and why /what would existing people you know fail to understand.
Also non of us know you,or you us,but we are all TALKING arent we, see its easy.
Try this it - worked for me - discovered windsurfing, coasteering, paragliding (*even mountain biking - went to centre craps - cycled and remembered my teens) you get to try sports/things and meet people, some sports stick as do some people.
*Do some weekends - if you just do sports nights it's - there, sport, drink, home, with weekends etc you do more socialising.
hey dude, if you ever wanted to go for a chilled not so serious not too fast ride in a small group around swinley (bracknell, not too far from guildford) then give us a shout 🙂 conversation and pace is set by the slowest person 😀 best way to play if you ask me!
i've decided torm is going to join us, he doesnt know this yet, but ive decided.
Don't listen to His Awesomeness TSY - he's obsessed with dating sites 😉 Huge number of weirdos on there and it won't do anything for your self-confidence either.
As a stepping stone, go on a Forum Ride. It will be easy - everyone likes riding a bike and talking about bikes so no awkward silences to deal with.
Once you feel comfortable with that scenario, move on to perhaps an evening class. I would also suggest you check out:
www.spiceuk.com
for more activities than you can shake a stick at.
Actually I am going to defend Plenty of Fish and the reason is that i used to run their Leeds parties. POF has a forum and one forum is for British members. What happens is that across the UK regular POF members organise parties, and these are a really great way to meet people may not be in the same position as you, but who are single, and who may have lots of friends who are now settled. I went to a party in Nottingham and met some fantastic sociable people. I was then inspired to get the Leeds parties going, and these then spread to Wakefield.
I am not saying you should go, but as the host I had lots of people, men and women who were v scared to walk in to the event on their own. I always ensured there were both male and female greeters, i.e. a woman could walk in and be introduced to other women first. After a few drinks any nerves soon went.
So yeah, the dating side on the website can be a bit hectic, but so what - have a look at the forums too and you can introduce yourself to the community slowly. There are a few very excellent and top people on the site, and I know plenty of couples who met that way.
Another thing i did was boxercise. Exercise classes such as this and circuit training and spinning (on bikes) is a good way to begin to meet people slowly. The first few classes you may only say a little hello, but then as time goes by you get to know the regulars who I am sure will be friendly. Yoga could be a good one too as you get to really chill out at the same time.
by the way just in case the use of the word "dude" put you off... we're early, mid twenties and an an OAP (31yrs old), the OAP is young for his age and me and the missus are definitely old for our age and very much against everything the yoof of today stand for!
PESKY KIDS!
no expectations of late nights, silly music or trousers around your knees... in fact if you turn up with your trousers hanging below your boxers then we're riding without you 😉
... actually that's kinda got a good ring to it...His Awesomeness TSY
[jumps up and down waving at phil] ooh, ooh... ooh... me, mee, meeee![jumps up and down waving at phil]
he doesnt know this yet, but ive decided
Woooo, I will of course be daddy, having one foot so firmly in the grave at a grand old 32.
Lol at Phil 😀
But I must take you to task for referring to a 31 year old as an OAP. That is an outrageous statement. 😯
Note to self: Phil is definitely NOT invited to the next Swinley Forest Forum Ride cos no kids are allowed. C_G's rules innit.
So there. 🙄
can you get down to swinley son?
can you?!
CAN YOU?!
EDIT - only just saw your post CG.... he's old, well 4-5 years older than me and i call him uncle to wind him up! CG... would you like to come too? TSY will tow you if it all gets too much 😉
Yeah, I'm 31 and don't even get a free bus pass 😥
I'm there Papa!
Niiiiicole??
PaaaaaPA?
CAN YOU?!
Of course, I used to live in Bagshot and ride there every day, innit. Sick.
Awesome original post.
Nothing to add to the above. Good luck!
Timothius, sorry for the hijack, we do our best to ensure that Phils sexy parties do not overflow onto every thread!
That said, if you do fancy coming for a ride that is completely devoid of mad skilz, big air and judgement for a day of getting muddy in Swinley then it would be a pleasure to have you along. Wont be for a week or two but it would be mine/our pleasure.
🙂 have to say that you original post will ring a lot of bells with people... please don't feel alone, it took taking up riding in summer to get me out in the evenings and on the weekends after i found myself getting sucked into a routine of waking up - going to work - coming home - going to bed - repeat.... would make up the lamest excuses to avoid going out anywhere because it became harder and harder to relate to people my age. very easy to end up in that situation.
same for my buddy who comes out with me and the other-half, ten years in a relationship that broke up, ended up living in his room with no life other than me visiting him... riding got him out and about too 🙂
hope the thread hasn't scared you off buddy, you'd be more than than welcome to join us on a ride (it'd be the first time i meet Torm, CG and TSY too so not a cliquey group in any way)
Echo what Phil says. None of us take ourselves too seriously - it's easy to be shouty on a Forum! I've met some fantastic people from here on various Forum Rides, it's all about having a laugh. 8)
People just accept you for what you are, you like riding bikes and that's all that matters.
None of us take ourselves too seriously
Wait 'til you see my pre-ride stretching routine...
Oh, you've torn yourself away from trashy X Factor have you? 🙄
Well, you can hide behind a bush. You're not with the cool gang - we only fettle, admire and eat before a ride. 😉
Woops, didn't realise there was a page 2 to this thread...
The Swinley ride sounds brilliant. I'm actually in Haslemere and work in Guildford but I've looked up Bracknell and getting there should be no problem at all. I would very much welcome the opportunity to come along.
A week or two for the ride is perfect - the rear mech on my bike is currently broken so that should give me some time to get the bike ship shape.
Looking forward to seeing everyone there - sounds like an experience.
Thanks all for the suggestions and support.
haha, I'm not really watching X-Factor. Just couldn't resist posting about 2 STW fav's. I couldn't let it be, as they say. 😉
Pah I don't even fettle. I have been known to get a couple of hundred meters into a ride and realise I've not done up half the bolts on whatever I last fitted.
Get a dog.
One of the unforeseen consequences of becoming a dog owner for me was admittance to Dog Club. All these people out walking their dogs who were previously invisible to me, and I to them, suddenly became people I chat regularly to.
Only thing is, I don't actually know any of their names. Only their dog's names. it's like when you go out mountain biking with a group of folk and you remember them as "big, tall fella on a Cannondale", wee fat guy on a Trek" and so on and so forth.
But quite apart from the companionship you get from the animal itself, it does put you into the orbit of a whole range of people you wouldn't otherwise talk to.
Timothius - A bunch of us ride most weekends somewhere around the Downs or Surrey Hills. We're a mixed bag of ability and fitness and "outsiders" are more than welcome. Drop me an email if you want to come along (there's a ride tomorrow AM as well).
right, time to take charge and nominate a weekend and start some discussions 😀
sat 4th or sunday 5th December... which would people prefer?
now i've noticed that a lot of weekend rides seem to be planned for early start times but i dont think that's going to be the best idea if TSY is coming down from diddumscot..
how would people feel about a 12 or 1pm start time from the look out?
I'll warn you all now: i will in the spirit of a beginners/gentle/nothing-too-serious-ride be wearing full on downhill pyjamas 😀 i will ride a carrera from halfords and i will make sure any bike snobs out there will be mortally offended by my blatant disregard for the unwritten rules of MTB.
Well done Phil for organising. Am hardly riding at the moment so doubtful I could make it ... but could meet up with everyone at the Cafe?
Bear in mind that by soon after 3pm it will be getting dark, an earlier start may be better? His Awesomeness will just need to avoid dating the night before. 😉
C_G you're correct about the pesky darkness creeping in... maybe meet at 11:40 for fettling, pumping up tyres, admiring my pyjamas and then setting off to ride at 12?
Ooooh. I can do early but not on the 4th as I'm Xmas partying the night before. I'm often in Wales by 9ish on a weekend to indulge in a bit of biking, so whatever time suits others... unless it's the Saturday, in which case 12, earliest.
Oh and I only work in Diddumscot, I have to live within a mile of a Waitrose which means I'm even further away.
If you are near Guidford, get along to the university and see what clubs and societies you might join
Biking and yoga complment each other well as activities, and as a tool for building a rounded social circle.
Or come for a mince with me and Dezb. We are really old and slow and rubbish , but the banters good. I drive as Dez is clueless with directions. You wont meet any sexy young ladeees , but if you go out in G'ford enough you will eventually.
I used to live in Godalming , and there were a few cliquey places in guildford which would be intimidating.
I do pretty much the same as you , work a bit too much . 1 week off in nearly 2 years .
Get yourself on the THT super tuesday night rides, they have the best riding and are a good bunch.
The funny thing is, you get to a point when you think: I'm wasting my little life and it's about time I had some fun. Perhaps you are thinking this. I'm an anti-social bod so if I want to do something, I do it on my own. And you know what? It's not so bad only having to manage you own expectations, and being self-reliant. So yes, go places and do stuff that pleases you. For example, I got fed up waiting for my two cycling friends to commit to riding Snowdon. So sodit, I just went up and did it one evening this summer.
On the social front, I find that like-mindedness and structure helps me a lot in coping with people. What I mean it is: an event where interactions are governed by rules that everyone can follow. Some examples: fitness classes, board game groups, group cycles etc. Informal parties where I don't know many people, I find the most challenging. So if you want to develop friends, try something like a fitness class or a cycle club and be patient.
Good luck
singeltrackmind - do you know the way to Swinely? Bring DezB... it's the stuff dreams are made of...
Game on, Saturday or Sunday is fine with me, not that I won't have to cancel some very impressive and important prior engagements. I know Will and Kate will be gutted.
Lookout carpark, pink carnation under the clocktower?
TSY +1 singletrack and DezB.... come join us! 🙂
me and mrsconsequence are cool for either day, she's excited about meeting everyone from "motorbike world" as she's started calling it to wind me up 😆
just a quick note to anyone who might be heading down there today, will be riding from ze lookout at 1pm... if you wanna join then just look out for just look out for the couple wearing full DH pyjamas on carreras... me = grey helmet, her equals white helmet. if you think its us.. chances are it is (nobody else has the guts to look so stupid) so say hi 🙂
sat 4th or sunday 5th December are fine for me too. Not sure where anything is though... I'll be the squirt on a Maxlight in non cycling clothes.
singletrackmind: Thanks for the offer - sounds fun! Should be good seeing everyone in Bracknell as well.
StefMcDef: I have considered getting a dog but it would not really be fair on it as I would be out most of the time.
hey tim!!
the plans for the ride have been developed
all info is now on:
[url= http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/the-swinley-supersexualsuperfun-all-welcoming-december-fun-ride ]THIS THREAD[/url]
really would be great to meet you 🙂
Timo. I can pick you up on the way there ,if you like. Might have to both wheels off , but we should get 3 bikes and blokes and kit in a passat estate.
Say 11.00am ?
Up to you mate .
singletrackmind: Thanks for the offer! Just to confirm that I'm in Haslemere, so please don't worry if it is out of your way. I can drive there, but getting a lift would be great to learn the route. (Plus it sounds like the car park might be filling up!)
I have a little Ford Ka so my bike has to normally be dismantled to fit anyway. I normally take both wheels off and stash the bike in a bike bag, so I can do that if it makes it easier. (Even then it's a struggle getting the bag into the car!)
Time was if you were the top poster on here, the nice people at Singletrack would send you a life in the post. It were all fields when I first came here!
Sandwich.-
Thats what premier membership gets you
Timo. I will be coming up the A3 anyhoo, so your kinda on the way