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Was with ex for 22 years (married for 17). Single now for 15 months.
To be honest not really sure I've got the emotional energy to date, but it would be nice to hang out with someone.
Signed up to Bumble. My mind is blown (not least by the number of women Who have to put 'no d#+k pics')!
So, other than 'dont send inappropriate pics', how on earth should I approach this? Mid 40's if that's relevant.
Pub, cycling club, evening class, late night at Waitrose, gig.
It's a mine field.
Do an honest profile a bit like a CV, and don't make your main picture of you holding a massive carp or riding a mountain bike. and definitely not seductively leaning on an m-sport BMW!
Bumble? Not heard of that one. Do all the women, every single one, say “no ONS” and have a photo of themselves licking a horse’s face?
Best tip is switch your phone off should you find yourself in Doncaster or anywhere similar.
How much is a train ticket to Doncaster?
To be honest not really sure I’ve got the emotional energy to date
As someone who's been on the wrong side of that equation, wait until you are 🙂
No tips as such apart from be patient! I was in a similar position to you, and it took me a long while to get in the right headspace also. I then had a mixed bag in terms of dates etc and deleted Tinder multiple times before ending up trying it again - had pretty much lost hope when I ended up with a gorgeous, smart, lovely woman who I now live with and have a child with. 😀
Similar advice to @grum....sans child.
For me, keep an open mind and let 'fate' or whatever do the rest. In your 40's then you're going to have to sift through an awful lot of people with 'baggage' and/or 'issues'.
If someone takes ages responding between messages, do get too hung up, just move on.
Was in a similar situation to you.
Got on tinder, met someone, been together 4 years, bought a house and am getting married on Saturday.
My advice to you - be honest, be nice, be yourself, don't take it too seriously and behave in the same way you expect to be treated. Expect to be stood up at the last minute as everyone is searching for what they think is the next best thing (but will then come back to you when they realise that thing wasn't what they expected). Don't take it personally, they don't know you.
If you're not ready to settle again, have some fun but be up front so everyone knows where they stand.
Good luck. Enjoy it!
I would stick with being honest and polite, probably gets you less bedroom action with randoms, but more likely to meet someone you click with
Think about what you want, what you are prepared to compromise on, and what are the "thanks but no thanks"
From what I can tell women tend to have a worse issue separating the wheat from the chaff. Hence the " no d*** pics"
Don't wait for perfect, talk to/ meet anyone half interesting. Be polite if they are not for you.
I found my girlfriend on Tinder.
That was an awkward conversation. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Send a dick pick you'll be fine.
Think of it like fishing...there's something on the line but you don't know if you've hooked a mermaid or coelecanth.
Don't take it too seriously; be polite and pleasant - good manners are always appreciated.
Assume that everyone on the site is genuine but don't be surprised/disappointed when some aren't.
Good luck and enjoy the fishing!
no d#+k pics’
so I send a mangina pic…
Just add a no louise caveat in return
Stay off Plenty of Fish, it's bloody awful. Bumble seems okay, also a bonus that the first move is made by them. Tinder, slowly starting to get there with it.
Have met some nice people so far, but I'm not convinced it's right for me. Only recently separated and probably not ready for all this yet, but it's helping my bruised ego recover...
Edit. There are plenty of Louise's out there! To be fair I have met a nice one. There are also plenty of lasses that share my exes name that I've reluctantly swiped left on. It would be too weird...
So i got a Tiger as a house cat the thing bit my arm off.. got rid of it.
Now looking for a new Tiger...
Best of luck i have witnessed some friends engaging with absolute nutters (of both sexes) to the point at which i was saying do not bring the new random nutter to the pub and definitely not to my house.
Possibly closed by now but there was a big thread on the whole online dating experience a few years back.
I know I was a part of it,or even started the thread, can't remember!
It was mainly Tinder focused from memory.
Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've heard from a few of the posters since that thread...
IME; the free apps tend to be filled with the kinds of folk for whom dick pics and wild cat-lady behaviour is perfectly normal.so if you really want to exclude those people, a paywall seems to do the trick pretty effectively. Be honest in your profile. send messages to lost of women, strike up online conversations first, ask them to go on a date with you. Have lots of dates, even with folks you might not necessarily feel a connection with. Most folk are cool, and it'll be fun to just meet people and share an experience with them.
Don't be a dick.
Don’t be a dick.
Because it really limits the pics you can send.
If you find someone that seems tidy don't spend ages chatting online, arrange a date and meet up asap.
Don't be showing to be riding a mountain bike , if it was me I would have a photo of me on a bike not wearing lycra or full on Endura but normal shorts showing the tanned legs hiding the scabby knee. It shows what one of your interests are, my partner rides a bike and just wished I'd met her in my 20's rather than 50
Good to have at least one main interest to share together and to balance the no dick pics put on no nail/eyebrow/too much makeup etc pics
Standing next to your car like it's some phallic symbol does very little, my Z4 does f all for my partner yet enjoys the roof down hair in the wind feeling, I love the
car as it is great to drive
Brilliant, thanks all. Genuinely laughing now. Onwards!
If you find someone that seems tidy don’t spend ages chatting online, arrange a date and meet up asap.
Yeah that's a fair point in general as people can be massively different IRL To how they seem. However I chatted for quite a while to my current partner just because of busy schedules etc making it hard to meet up.
Not sure about other services but there was some research on Tinder that reckoned the balance on there was massively stacked towards men, which means that many/most women are pretty much swamped with matches/messages etc. Worth knowing because it can be quite disheartening sometimes.
Oh yeah, and if you live somewhere small, it's gonna be tough.
If you find someone that seems tidy don’t spend ages chatting online, arrange a date and meet up asap.
Yes. This. A hundred times this...
which means that many/most women are pretty much swamped with matches/messages etc
My partner, (we met on Guardian Soulmates which sadly doesn't exist any more) had well over forty messages including mine when she'd signed up after a day or so. I got one...from her agreeing to go on a date.
massively stacked towards men, which means that many/most women are pretty much swamped with matches/message
It's true, I think a lot of the extremely cagey messages you get back are because they have to weed out the married and the just-after-sex blokes. Seems there's a good many on there giving us a bad rep.
At least it's easy to spot the completely mental women now, they've got a "sticker" saying Proudly Unvaxed 😀
Try to get a female friend or two to review your profile and get their opinions on it.
Have a look at the male profiles in your area and see what you're up against, pinch any good ideas.
I had a read of 'online dating for dummies' which had some sensible advice.
I was on guardian soulmates and then match, about 15 years ago, I met some really friendly folk, who whilst they weren't interested in a date were happy to offer advice which helped to build up an improved profile. Lots of dates with a wide variety of ladies, some great fun and then met the woman of my life etc................
Block any profile with either a picture of a cat*, or a bed full of stuffed toys, both are a clear sign of insanity.
*any dog that can be carried in a handbag is really a cat in disguise.
Try to get a female friend or two to review your profile and get their opinions on it.
Don't forget to thank them, perhaps you could pass on your appreciation by sending them a d**K pic
Block any profile with either a picture of a cat, or a bed full of stuffed toys, both are a clear sign of insanity.
Oh dear - thats my chances gone. I am watched over in my bed by a collection of childhood toys.
I suppose at some time I may have to face the delights of internet dating. *shudders*
The trick tj, is not to put a picture of the toy wall on your profile, wait and let it reveal itself as you lock the door and start laughing maniacally before launching into a 6 hour lecture on why star wars is the best.
I'm never sure which way to swipe on the Tinder profiles who's main pic is of their children, or teenage daughter.
Quite a few have their primary photos with a bloke. That always seems a bit odd to me?
I've made some red flags for swipe left:
1) bunny ear filter or similar
2) no text/bio
3) proudly non-vaxed
That's made the short list even shorter.
Another +1 to the advice of meeting up in real life asap.
Oh god I hadn't even contemplated the whole 'vax status' thing.
With that in mind, my red flags would be:
1. No vaccine
2. Picture with snapchat filter etc
3. Has kids (you may differ)
4. Stupid eyebrows/weird botox lips/uber orange fake tan.
Kids in main pictute was always a no from me. Mention your children in your bio but I find having photos of them a bit weird.
I am glad I got off Tinder and Bumble. I decided to go out and enjoy myself which lead me to meet a like minded woman on the river locally. We paddle boarded together for a few months and built up a real-life friendship before admitting we both wanted more. So much better than flicking through a handful of photos.
Not really got any tips on online dating for you, however i was in a similar situation albeit i was younger, i got married young (21) and had 3 kids by the time i was 25, we were together for 7 years, but grew into different people, i was fairly normal and she turned into a bit of a nutjob, she cut me off from a lot of my friends and i was pretty isolated.
Queue me now finding myself single with 3 kids and a divorce by the time i was 27.
i didnt think i was ready for the next relationship, however i found a lot of my old friends on facebook, both male and female and reconnected to get my life back, i arranged drinks with people who i wouldnt have normally hung out with just to get me out of the house, i joined a gym to make myself feel better and lose a bit of weight.
3 months after moving out i went for a friendly drink with a girl i used to go to college with, funny story i asked her out at college and she said no, 10 years later we are still together, married and have 2 kids.
Moral of the story, whilst you think you're not ready for the next thing, you might just meet someone who makes you think otherwise.
There was/is a website "photo feeler" which you can use to choose the best profile pictures. Using it did feel a bit underhand, but hey I need all the help I can get.
Have a look at the male profiles in your area and see what you’re up against
I did this once, it was quite disheartening. So many of them, yes a fair % are low quality, but due to the high total number there are lots of high quality too that I couldn't possibly compete with.
When you do meet someone, keep it simple and cheap. You’ll know within an hour (and they will too) if you’d ever want to meet them again so no point spending big money on a first date.
I’m in London and there are plenty of gold diggers around just looking for a decent meal or drinks to be bought all night. The odds are in their favour so even very average girls get away with it.
When you do meet up, just meet for a coffee at first, that way you’re only gambling 15-20 minutes of your life, you’ll know after that long if you want to see each other again or avoid like a plague!
Everyone is going to have mixed views and opinions of the whole online dating experience. I’ve been using internet dating since before it was ‘the done thing’ but even so my advice and tips wouldn’t be for everyone and being female it’s obviously a slightly different perspective.
As someone has stated you will get some people with either emotional or physical baggage but you’re also in the same situation so no doubt you’re bringing some into it as well so it’s unfair to judge on that. Also we live in a throw away society so people don’t always put the work into relationships and just walk away too easily so again isn’t always true.
Definitely agree that once you’ve realised you have a little in common and get on then suggest a date. Definitely be up front about your situation and the fact you’re newly single and not sure if you’re ready or what you want from it.
Women get A LOT of messages, like a lot! They have to sift through that to find people they like the sound and look of and they will need to be quite elitist to get the numbers down. Whether you meet those requirements is specific to the lady and may seem unfair and wrong but that’s how it is. Be genuine and honest and hopefully the right person will see you.
Despite people saying don’t post photos of you properly riding it depends what you’re looking for. I posted photos of me properly riding as people need to appreciate it’s my passion so it’s part of me. I had many messages saying how they also rode and someone with a Halfords special telling me how decent it was. Errr yeah ok! Either way I want something in common with the person as it’s important for me and relationships have ended before because of a lack of it. So for me someone properly riding even with red flag of something else would get a reply.
Good luck and yeah don’t take it personally.
Best tip is switch your phone off should you find yourself in Doncaster or anywhere similar.
How much is a train ticket to Doncaster?
Tickets to Doncaster are cheap. Tickets out of Doncaster...
This could be quite a long bit of typing, will try to keep it brief! Funny/strange story about a date I had once - met in a pub, got on amazingly well, really laughing and felt like we'd known each other ages. I was quite keen, but played it cool, didn't rush to text back after the date for a few days, then when I texted she had a go at me for not being enthusiastic enough. So I said "Well, I don't know the rules of middle-aged dating." or similar. She lost her nut! Left me a long rambling voice mail, including the words: MIDDLE AGED? I'm not Middle aged! She was 52, iirc. hmm... So we talked about the Fury-Wilder rematch - are you watching it live, she said? No, says I, I'm reffing rugby in the morning so need a proper night's sleep. Called me boring! Oh, this is an historic event! etc. I'm having people round to watch it live! she says, makes quite a big deal of it.
Day after the fight, (which Fury won easily by KO, in case you don't know) I call and say wow! did you watch it? She says, yeah, hmph, another draw! Erm, are you sure..? Turns out she'd watched a replay of the first fight! I mean, mental. I did get a big apology for the voicemail rant, but I left it there. Mostly out of fear. 😆 😲🤪
Ah, I did start that thread I mentioned. It is closed now.
https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/tinder-my-thoughts/
The best advice I got was set up a separate email address and get a phone number especially for online dating. That way if you find someone or choose to take a break you can easily switch off.
Then again I'm female so instantly got loads of replies, sounds like it may be tougher for men to get replies. In the end didn't meet anyone through that but through a sporting club.
The only experience I've had of dating apps is of people using them for a) a quick shag with no strings attached with a different person every time (Tinder), or of people getting romanced scammed (a recent one by a really emotionally exposed friend) into what I think was money muling.
Like the OP, I went through a long period of singleness after my last marriage ended (and I got screwed over by someone after I went into another relationship too soon). I remember declaring to all that I was happy with just my dogs, being an uncle and going to the gym. Then I met someone at the gym, moved to Sweden to be with her and have been with her for four years.
No more marriage. Not again.
Anyway, dating apps. Yeah, but no. Not for me. Even if I was single, I'm too old to do the one night stand thing and distrust people enough as it is without that risk of the dating scams.
Just be yourself.
No, hang on. That's not right.
Just be George Clooney, you'll be beating them off with a shitty stick.
you’ll be beating them off with a shitty stick.
Do they like that sort of thing then? I've been doing it wrong all these years.
Just be George Clooney
Sadly I'm too pale, unsophisticated, ginger and poor to pull that off.
Loads of great advice, especially the 'dont take it personally' and 'short first date'.
The female perspective is also really helpful too, so thanks to the ♀️ who posted.
Perhaps SingletrackSingles is a new income stream that Chipps et al. could mine? 😂
Make sure your photos are on point, head shot, upper body shot, friend's and activities in that order. The app based ones are so easy to swipe right on you get less than a second to make an impact, it's worth spending some time getting that first pic right, lighting, mood and smart'ish clothing. It shouldn't be like that but it is for both genders.
Bio wise I'd keep it light with a few interesting references so they can see your not Mr boring, add some sports activities to show your fit and active, If you can sneak a bit of humour in all the better, light, breezy and not too try hard.
Indipendent, responsible, active, good sense of humour. Everyone's different but to keep the numbers up I'd leave the niche stuff till after you've met, it'll give you a larger group of people to actually date, then you can start chatting about your fave Starwars characters.
Don't be too keen to meet but definitely sooner rather than later, no ones looking for a pen pal.
Humour can be difficult in those initial messages, you can say something you think is really funny, and you're trying to show a bit of personality, but without them hearing you're tone of voice and body language it can come over very differently!
It's a mine field but play it cool, don't take it too seriously, and good luck!
Perhaps SingletrackSingles is a new income stream that Chipps et al. could mine? 😂
They skipped that stage and went straight to a tie in with Lovehoney, iirc.....
I was in a similar situation to you over a decade ago. Went on match.com, had several dates in a short space of time, nothing panned out and I think I was a bit too keen. Then a girl not in my area contacted me and we got on really well by message so I decided to head to Shropshire from Manchester. The date (nice meal) was ok but we immediately decided we didn’t like each other in that way. Then came another few weeks of crappy dates whilst me and the lady from Shrewsbury kept chatting about how awful our other dates were 🙂
One weekend I was at a loose end, so I suggested hiking to the Shropshire lass, we were both happy that it wasn’t a date. Anyway… we had a full day hiking across the Pennines, realised we did like each other after all then did the date thing that night. Our next dates were mountain biking, hiking and fun outdoor stuff.
We’ve now been married for nine years, have an amazing eight year old daughter and live in a monumentally great place for biking. I am lucky I didn't go off that first date and I’m glad we did something we both actually really enjoyed instead of a typical “date”. 🙂
I have some advice! Be patient.
That is all 🙂
The key thing to note is that hygiene standards are a lot higher than back in the day. You will need to shave / wax yer balls for starters.
The key thing to note is that hygiene standards are a lot higher than back in the day. You will need to shave / wax yer balls for starters.
Not sure if that's a 🤯 or a 🤣 but it's definitely a ❌
Back in the day?! Some of us have been doing it for 25+ years
Houns - ahead of your time
Isn't online dating a bit scary chatting to strangers?
Isn’t online dating a bit scary chatting to strangers?
Give me your number and I'll whatsapp you 😉
Some of us have been doing it for 25+ years
When you expecting to finish? 😀
RM.
My funniest one I think, was someone who who apparently didn't drink and didn't smoke but didn't seem to mind that I did.
I figured it wouldn't go any further, and it didn't, but I wasn't busy that Friday night so thought what the hell.
Ten minutes into the date we're at a bar and she's knocking back fancy g&t's and pinching smokes off me.
We both end up pretty trollied and went our separate ways some hours later.
We pretty much went Dutch on the bar bills so it wasn't like she was taking advantage.
I texted her back the next day and no reply... The whole thing was quite bemusing. Lol
Moral of the story, whilst you think you’re not ready for the next thing, you might just meet someone who makes you think otherwise.
The first date with my partner, I agreed to go for a drink and I said "cards on the table, absolutely the last thing I'm looking for right now is a relationship."
~ three years later, we've bought a house together.
Isn’t online dating a bit scary chatting to strangers?
Doesn't seem to stop you doing that on here. (-:
I've got 2 dates on Saturday 😂
Like buses they are. Although slightly slimmer
15 years of online/app dating attempts and had zero to little success.
Either I'm an ugly ginger **** or an uninteresting ginger ****.
One way or another, I've been single a long time! Not helped by living in a rural single + intelligent desert.
Like buses they are.
If they both come at once you might be onto a winner.
OMG
I am going to have to face dating again at some point I guess - not ready for it now tho but these stories. Help!
At least it’s easy to spot the completely mental women now, they’ve got a “sticker” saying Proudly Unvaxed 😀
@DezB
Unvaxed or unwaxed?
Either I’m an ugly ginger * or an uninteresting ginger *.
There is the third option 😉
I think it's terrible that the poor ladies don't have a carpet cleaner.
Not helped by living in a rural single + intelligent desert.
You're on a hiding to nothing trying dating apps in the countryside I'm afraid. The pool of potential partners is just not big enough.
I moved to Glasgow to get some action - it worked and now I'm back in the countryside again with my lovely partner 😛
15 years of online/app dating attempts and had zero to little success
Well, when I said 'be patient' ... 🥺
Well just deleated Tinder and POF accounts been online dating a year now some good dates some lasted a few months but nothing more.
There are some nutters and some who just aren't over there ex.
Best was a womannwith 6 cats who told me 8 months was not long enough after previous relationship to be fully over it then went on to tell me how she kept going back to the same guy after 4-5 months of him dumping her.
Like has been said just be "Normal", appparently this stands out a lot, oh and be tall😁
Best advice was from one woman who said "you'll be fine your 40's, single and over 6 foot".
Anyway chatting to one woman who looks totally out of my league but we'll see, if not i'll start again after valentines day.
One of the 2 I mentioned above is lovely… 10 years younger than me and seems keen. Had 2 dates now.
The other was funny, very attractive and fit, has run marathons… but had a voice like a foghorn. Felt like the whole pub could hear our conversation! I really couldn’t cope for more than a short time, so tried to let her down gently with a ‘you’re nice, but not for me’ text the next day and she kept messaging back! Why not? How could you tell in such a short time? etc. Maybe i shoulda just said ‘I can’t stand the sound of your voice!’ 😂 But you can’t can you!?
The other was funny, very attractive and fit, has run marathons… but had a voice like a foghorn.
Thought 1: she was nervous and is one of those people who gets loud when nervous so possibly worth a second chance
Thought 2: Find a polite way to tell her, she might just not be aware, at least the next date might not get deafened
I used a few different apps. Bumble seemed to be the best for me as women have to send the first message after a match before men can send anything. It filters out a lot of the male time wasters.
As others said, be patient and honest about what you want. There's nothing wrong with just wanting to get out and meet people as long as they know that.
oh and be tall
That helps massively. I'm 5ft5 and had a lot of women say I'm too short, before even meeting me. Like a ridiculous amount. Even women at 5ft2! They all want a 6ft + person. Nearly gave up due to to shallow people but I perceiviered and met someone. Been together nearly 3 years now and just got engaged.
she was nervous and is one of those people who gets loud
No, unfortunately it wasn't that at all. Was the tone, accent etc. Just a horrible voice. Wasn't the only thing too, and I was as polite as I could've been tbh.
I feel for you mjsmke, I see the height "requirements" on profiles and reject them as shallow, even if I'm taller than they ask for! Good luck
No, unfortunately it wasn’t that at all. Was the tone, accent etc. Just a horrible voice. Wasn’t the only thing too, and I was as polite as I could’ve been tbh.
Well you didn't mention there was more! I'd just tell her nicely. As long as she doesn't know where you live.....