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What a traumatic and difficult year its been. But I'm still here, which I suppose is a good thing. Still have suicidal thoughts, think it's only natural after everything I've been through. But they have stayed as thoughts, that's the way I aim to keep them. The kids are still with me, another good thing. How I'm still here and how I've got through it so far is beyond me.
More difficult times ahead, I know that. I'd like to think the worst has been, but i doubt it. There will be more. I was up til gone 4am, the events of this day last year running around in circles in my head. I re-read every single post on all the relevant threads, yet again. Don't think i stopped crying for 3 hours.
Things have changed so much this past year. I have had to find strength I never knew I had. I have had to learn things i never knew before. All while crumbling inside. To save repeating myself, some things I wanted to say so far is on today's blog post which I've linked below, including another poem.
https://brighteststarinthesky.com/2019/06/27/and-a-year-has-gone-by/
You have all made this last year more bearable. I have laughed with you all, and you have cried with me. For all that, I am grateful. This is still my outlet. My go to place. My new found family. I honestly wish I get to meet as many as I can some day, to give you a hug and say thankyou.
You have all done so much for myself, the kids and Lyanda, I cannot thank you enough. I know i keep repeating myself with this, it's only because I genuinely mean every single word. Now the next chapter begins. The start of the rest of our 'new' life. I hope not to burden you all too much with it. But I probably will from time to time.
RIP Lyanda, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, please remember, you are always in our hearts. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
gnusmas I don't know you well but I read some of the older thread and it's getting very dusty in here.
stay strong fella
One day at a time, bud.
You'll never get over it, but over time it will become something you can live with. Some days will be harder than others but you know you can always drop a post on here, or an email to someone, or even call us. We're here
Crikey!
Hope you and the kids are doing well, though I recall a thread where one of them was having a bit of bother. But, hey, that's life. Yeah, I need to do some dusting in here 😉
One more day at a time.
But I’m still here, which I suppose is a good thing.
You being here makes the world a better place - never forget that.
I've come to realise that bikes are the least important thing about this place.
It's the people.
There are many exceptional human beings here, supporting each other and willing to help.
We can be unpleasant to each other at times, but the innate decency shines through.
Stay strong and keep posting.
Love,
Pete & Sue.
Gnusmas, please know that you're a bit of an inspiration to many on here - the open and honest way you've dealt with everything is something we should all do more of - talk and talk, and then talk some more. It's an example that we could all benefit from following.
And far from being a burden, I'll just echo what Rusty has said: you being here makes the world, our world, a better place.
Head high, fella, you're doing a bloody great job
X
❤
Hi gnusmas,
I'm new to single tracks, I'm not going to retemd that I know you as I dont(but would like too)
but I have been battling depression(amongst other things) for about 9 months now and spent many years of my youth bieng suicidal(at best) I'm only in my early 20's but I felt like I wanted to reply to this..
Your story sounds inspiring, something I have found reading these forums is people open up and talk. I think its really important to do.. Cycling isn't just a sport, it makes friendships, gets people talking, laughing and just feeling secure in there space.
I hope things get easier and remember I don't know you but I know your struggle.. And keep going, no one should feel like that ever..
A better place for you being here for sure. I need your kids to grow up and pay taxes so I can retire in luxury. 😉
Lovely words Alan.
Stay strong mate, you've got lovely kids that need you.
Hopefully I can make it up there again later in the year and you can get my lardy arse out on the bike...good luck with managing that 🤭
Take care mate 👍
Be kind to yourself, bud.
Like Fadda and many others on here I am full of admiration for you Gnusmas . Your being here makes the world a better place every single day.
Stay as strong as you’ve been over this last year 👍👍
Can’t quite believe it’s been a year 🤯
All the very best, as always.
I couldnt imagine doing what you are doing, so keep plugging away you are an inspiration!!
Sending big hugs.
bunnyhop x
P.S. You should be so proud of yourself. You're raising 4 children and giving them a good life. There is time in the future for us all to join you on a pootle.
I have nothing to add except that despite not knowing much about your situation I always check out your threads and send silent positive thoughts. Keep pushing on through, there will be tough times, but things will gradually become a little easier.
it’s getting very dusty in here
Likewise...
You’re an amazingly strong and resilient person. Keep on keeping on my friend. Virtual hugs from the family Funk xx
Stay strong.
It’s a bit dusty here.
We’ve never met and I’m not sure where you’re based, but if you are ever in Lancaster or near by I’d like to say hi. You have been amazing and while dealing with your challenges you have managed to bring out the best in a bunch of cyclist on a forum. The web has a reputation for spreading negativity, but thanks to you our little corner of the internet is a better and more helpful place.
Stay strong, ride when you can and keep sharing.
You have all made this last year more bearable. I have laughed with you all, and you have cried with me. For all that, I am grateful. This is still my outlet. My go to place. My new found family. I honestly wish I get to meet as many as I can some day, to give you a hug and say thankyou.
Another thing that you need to remember, and take no small amount of pride in, is that this hasn't been a one way street. You offered support to me when I posted about problems I was having so for that I'll add a thank you to you.
Keep your head up, be strong and take care of yourself.
A year already!
Stay strong fella.
Jesus ,Alan I didn't know she'd passed ,been off here for a while , I am so sorry ,only seems a couple of months back I dropped the scooter down to you and we all had the ride over Cwm rheadr ,hope yourself and kids are getting through it ,it'll take a lot of time but it will come , easier said than done but stay strong for yourself and the kids . hopefully you'll find time to get out for a few hours and have a clear head for the time you are out
All the best, Stuart
I know it's a cliche, but time really is a healer, and gives you perspective. Cherish Lyanda's memory. My kids are grown now: they are, by any measure, the best things in my life. Treasure and cherish yours.
And keep coming here!
I think you’re doing an amazing job. Please be kind to yourself. It will get better, every day ❤️
Mate, your being here, what you have experienced and how you have shared this with a bunch of nobheads on the internet does two things - it shows you to be the strong, caring yet real and feeling parent every kid needs, and - God knows its needed - it makes this place, and by extension the world, a better place. I can't begin to comprehend your pain, but I well know the dustiness yet positivity your tale has brought to all of us following you. I know you've been super appreciative of what this forum and its members have done for you, but don't ever underestimate what you have done in return in making us all a little more emphatic. All the best - you're a legend round here!
Alan- all the best mate. Thank you for your help the other day, it is much appreciated.
BTW, Max thinks you are a great guy.
Day by day. Carry her memories in your heart and wear your kids aspirations on your sleeve.
It never gets easier, you just get on with it.
You’re an inspiration not a burden.
Stay strong buddy and keep doing what you’re doing, we’re with you every step of the way.
Keep fighting the good fight Gnusmas. Stay strong. All the best from Sweden
Thanks all. Twas a difficult day yesterday, reliving pretty much what happened last year. But I was dragged out of the house for a bit of lunch at Lyanda's favourite place. Somewhere I'd not gone back to at all. Nowhere special, but nice to sit on a bench with some nice food listening to birdsong and watching the birds fly around in the trees. Apprehensive, but done it now and it actually bought back some fond memories.
Kids were up til 10 last night too. Someone else popped round and helped occupy them and everyone was laughing and messing around, so rolled with it until they were knackered.
And thanks to Ambrose for dragging me out to the beach for a walk on Wednesday. Really helped clear my head ready to deal with the day in hand. And Max is awesome!
Thanks for all your messages and support. It has been a tough year but we've all made it through. Now the firsts are over, i guess it's time to somehow concentrate on moving forwards as a family. A few things in the back of my mind already, will keep you all posted. Hoping to have more upbeat, cheery posts this year.
You don’t know me fella as I’m new here but I’ve read some of your threads, same thing happened to me but 10 years ago, it’s amazing how time goes and as you’re finding it does get easier to deal with as time goes by. Still catches you out some days so be wary of that. Take care of you and your family it’s good to read the good stuff 😁