[Closed] Old mate contact dilema WWSTW do?

Life's too short.
Reply and make contact again - if it transpires that he's still a dick tell him so and go happily on your way.

Edit: people change all the time.

Probably slightly harsh, but there are radiators and drains in the world. He sounds like the latter

Yeah get in contact. He made a mistake when he blew you out on your 40th, a big mistake, but life's too short to bear grudges against a mate. Forget about the hurt and bitterness and move on.

Tell him 'Life's too short and we don't have anything in common anymore,good luck'
😈

Remember some friends are just flakier than others / you. Get back in touch but don’t be shy telling him he hurt your feelings.

If you didn’t think we had anything in common amy more x years ago, what makes you think that has changed?

Some “friends” will only remember you for what you can do for them, not what they have to offer you.

Find out what he actually wants.....

I would suggest he now feels he needs you again

If you want to make space in your life for him do so, but it sounds like you don't need him

Be the bigger bloke and contact him. It might go well or it might be that he is after something. What have you got to lose?

I lost contact with an old friend ( mainly my fault) and he was annoyed with me for doing so. made contact again after a decade and we are getting on great

Forgive and forget, life's to short and all that jazz.

He may have changed/want to apologise for the dick move, you'll never know.

Just have a frozen toilet sausage ready to hammer into his lawn should the need arise.

Find out what he actually wants…..

This. Then unless he's giving you a million from his lottery win for standing by him in the past, then you kick him into touch.

Lol! Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Anyone else thinking MLM? 😁

He texted me saying basically .....

Are you absolutely certain that there isn't another possible interpretation?

Either way his repeated attempts to link up with you suggests that he deeply regrets you and him drifting apart. He obviously knows that you have ignored his attempts to make contact and yet he has persisted, I reckon he deserves a chance for that reason alone.

Given you've posted on here to ask for advice, and how hurt you were when he blew you out, it seems to me you want to get in touch so get in touch and take it from there.

I drifted apart from a very close friend a decade ago. He got married and threw himself at their new life together and we just drifted apart. I didn't particularly get on with his wife, but he seemed happy enough, and I didn't make any effort to try to bridge the gap. Then he came round to see me one evening - but I was away and didn't get to hear about it until a few months later. A short time later he killed himself. It sounded like he was trying to do a farewell tour of his friends and I always wonder if I could have made a difference.

Get in touch, what's the worse that could happen? He's gone to great efforts to contact you. Unless he's trying to sign you up to a Ponzi scheme or the Scientologists, then there's some underlying reason for him to do so...

Everyone has pain, maybe he had some bad stuff going on when he rejected you before. You first need to forgivre him for that, wether you make contact again or not. Thats a primary job for you to do for your own sake.
However, you don't have a moral obligation to remake contact, the question is, after you have got over the hurt from before do you care about him, do you want to see him?

and keep us posted on how it turns out, most of us facing some version of this on a semi regular basis.

What sandwicheater said.

Yeah you don't know his real reasons for ditching you for your birthday, could be he had a lot of stuff going on that he just didnt know how to articulate, you never know maybe he didn't want to drag you into it and was doing you a favour. Either way this could be a good way to experience closure, you've obviously always wondered why and what happened in the back of your mind so this could be your chance to properly close a door.

Can't offer anything other than with just less than a year to go until my own 40th, I've given up on close friendships. I've come to the conclusion that most people don't a f*#k about you, and like this fella, once he gets bored with one thing he'll come running back. Have been burnt by that a few times.

Good luck.

I'd get back in touch with him, he might have been depressed or having a difficult time around your 40th and couldn't face it. I wouldn't waste too much energy on it though, life's too short.

I had my 40th recently and despite lots of invites it was only mates I've made in the last five years after some major life changes who came - we had a brilliant time, so whatevs. I was very close with several old friends for many years until it all exploded unpleasantly - it's a bit sad but also needed to happen I think.

friends are just that, friends. you drift closer and further apart at different times of your life. I certainly wouldn't hold anything against anyone of they wanted to get back intouch.

Talk to him, hear him out - but put your feelings first would be my guidance. You seem to have been a great friend to him in the past - you owe it to yourself to make sure that whatever happens you don’t leave yourself with a ‘what if…’

Look after yourself!

Reads to me like his then new girlfriend veto'd his attendance of your party and he's finally out of another toxic relationship and able to get a social life back and recognises you as a genuine friend.
I'd pick up the phone.

Give him a chance, tell him how you felt. We never know what's really going on.
I have a mate from years ago he only gets in touch when he needs money...I help out, it's only small amounts and he always pays back. It's a bit sad, but life always seems too busy and we were food friends once, he's had a lot of struggles.

Likes this place 🙂

Life is too short and is complicated. You don't really know who will affect you and vice versa. It doesn't hurt to go have a beer and chat

Was any part of any of those messages "I'm sorry"?

He's had decades to not treat you like dirt, why do you think he's going to have suddenly changed now.

Life’s too short.
Reply and make contact again

Life’s too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.
Bollocks to him.

I've had a few 'friends' like that over the years, fair-weather friends until something / someone better comes along, or people who just want something from you. I guarantee that whatever reason he's trying to get in contact with you, it'll be for his benefit not yours.

He's had decades to not treat you like dirt, why do you think he's going to have suddenly changed now?

Tell him ‘Life’s too short and we don’t have anything in common anymore, good luck’

Also, this.

Yeah get in contact. He made a mistake when he blew you out on your 40th, a big mistake, but life’s too short to bear grudges against a mate. Forget about the hurt and bitterness and move on

This 100%. Holding grudges and bitterness cause you as much damage as him. He said something a bit nasty one he made an error. Might have been feeling shit at the time and you were just the unlucky one.

Lull him into a false sense of security, then when he least suspects what might happen, wee in his shoes.

Forget the past, you cant change it.

Give him a ring and go for a beer. You will probably have a laugh remembering the good things you shared.

One of the 3 top regrets old people have when they are close to the end is losing touch with friends.

I'd give him a chance but I'd certainly be upfront with him if you do meet up about the way you think he's treated your friendship and that it's not acceptable - hopefully he acknowledges that and has a decent explanation/apology, if instead he gets the hump and thinks you're in the wrong then I'd not be in a hurry to meet up again.

I agree with ernie, life's too short. Reach out, if it doesn't go well, you maybe wasted a few hours. Regret lasts much longer.

He made a mistake when he blew you out on your 40th, a big mistake
If you want to make space in your life for him do so, but it sounds like you don’t need him
maybe he had some bad stuff going on when he rejected you before. You first need to forgive him for that, you don’t have a moral obligation to remake contact
Was any part of any of those messages “I’m sorry”?
be upfront with him if you do meet up about the way you think he’s treated your friendship and that it’s not acceptable – hopefully he acknowledges that and has a decent explanation/apology

Seriously, the guy turned down an invitation to an adults birthday party.

This

friends are just that, friends. you drift closer and further apart at different times of your life. I certainly wouldn’t hold anything against anyone of they wanted to get back intouch.

and this

Reads to me like his then new girlfriend veto’d his attendance of your party and he’s finally out of another toxic relationship and able to get a social life back

is the sensible advice.

Life’s too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.

We're all arseholes at times. If he's trying hard to make amends then it wouldn't seem like a huge imposition to give him a chance.

im with dirkdigglers on this one - he probably never even saw the text from you! Stop acting like a cliquey school girl.. even if he does need you to lean on, so what you don't always have to expect something in return - i never quite understand this mantra -do it because its the right thing.

For the sake of a pint or coffee maybe just meet and ask how things are. I think blokes aren't great at keeping in touch or giving a hoot. Me included. We have our own lives I guess. Even if you don't see a future with him as a pal he might be lonely and it might cheer him up enough to give him a boost to try and make new pals. I really struggle making friends and have naturally grown apart from school mates and only see them once in a blue moon. I'm fine with that tbh. I've made efforts on major birthdays and had naff all on my most recent from any of them. So yeah don't give it too much thought but maybe 'reach out' as the kids say.
Good luck.

Life pulls us in different directions all the time.

My philosophy on this is if you were good friends, you'd both have made the effort to still be in touch irrespective.

No harm in saying 'hi', but surely it's clear you're not that close.

You don't need to over think this, and you're not in the cast of Eastenders.

Can you be sure the message was actually sent from him and not his ex who may be motivated to do such a thing?
I’ve got those ‘flakey’ friends. Those pals who will always be pals that met at or before primary school. But it’s bloody great when we get together, probably every ten years or so.
I’d say meet. Take some sausages though, just in case.

We’re all arseholes at times.

Very true indeed. But this guy isn't an arsehole at times, he's a serial arsehole.

If he’s trying hard to make amends

Is he though?

Pff. Give him the benefit of the doubt if you must, I seem to be in the minority. Send him an email address where he can explain why he's been a dick for 40 years and has a chance to apologise. No harm in letting him say his piece but I wouldn't be engaging directly beforehand.

I'd be astonished if he thought he had anything to make amends for. When they were kids he snapped his fingers and the OP came running, then got binned off when it wasn't convenient. And oh look, it's happening again. That's not a mate, that's a user.

^^^ Sounds like you know him better than the OP?

Yes yes.

I know him based on the OP's, er, OP. Maybe I'm just bitter, but it strikes a chord with me.

where he can explain why he’s been a dick for 40 years and has a chance to apologise.

I don't think he's been a dick for 40 years. As I understand it he apparently behaved like a dick with regards to MrSparkle"s 40th, however many years ago that was.

Since then there has been no contact other than the OP's former friend attempting to re-establish their friendship.

If I have got that wrong and it is indeed 40 years since MrSparkle's 40th birthday then I will repeat, life's too short. At 80 years old he must close to popping his clogs.

Agree with Cougar. I certainly wouldn't be making any kind of effort, he's moved on, you've moved on so why try and resurrect an old friendship he quite clearly wasn't bothered about.

Reply saying that you've had a lot of problems with scammers and cloned accounts, so just to verify that he's who he says he is, he just needs to confirm how he replied to the invitation to your 40th birthday party... 😈

Hi Sparkles. With your singlespeed deviancy you will know or have met the person that I think Chipps is referring to.

No harm in talking to the guy - I'm sure he'll just disappear again if it doesn't work out (and you'll then know the correct response for the next time he pops up).

When was the last time we met or conversed, but we're still friends? 🙂

Very true indeed. But this guy isn’t an arsehole at times, he’s a serial arsehole.

I think that's a judgement for the OP to make.

Reads to me like his then new girlfriend veto’d his attendance of your party and he’s finally out of another toxic relationship and able to get a social life back and recognises you as a genuine friend.

I think it's interesting that if we swap genders the friend in this possible scenario would be widely recognised as being the victim in a controlling relationship / domestic abuse type situation and many of "her" female friends would be more sympathetic than most of the responses here. It would be wrong to think that men don't end up the victim of some of these situations too. Sadly society isn't quite so understanding of male victims. Sadly whichever gender is the victim it's not uncommon for people to jump from one toxic relationship to another.

If it were me I'd reply to the text - it's easy to block it if he's looking for money or likely to become an emotional drain! But its possible he's looking to apologise (or has no idea his phone was used to send that message), or he's got a terminal health condition and looking to say "cheerio" to people who matter to him while he can.

I think that’s a judgement for the OP to make.

Agreed.

FWIW I've lost contact with ALL my mates from up to about my 30s - I'm just a lazy bastard and shit at keeping in touch, so as we moved to other towns that was me gone.

I regret that I'm like this and once I'm working less or even retired I like to think I'll try to find many of them (see "lazy" above). Hope they don't **** me off if I do try.

(I've never given a reply to an invitation like this bloke did, mind)

Edit: .... and if one of them contacted me, especially if they needed something, I'd get right to it. (and further to the post below - these were/are mates, not just "friends")

I think it's interesting to read the OP's description of the situation and the response from us all. It suggests that the concept of friendship varies vastly between different people.

Some people feel that a friend has to be "forever" as if there's some kind of ownership involved, whereas others treat it as social convenience. I think i've been involved in both kinds of friendship, for better and worse.

Neither approach is wrong, but we need to be aware of other people's sensitivities.

I've thought a lot about this having emigrated in my mid-20s. I left well-established friendship groups on the other side of the world and it's been interesting to see what's happened to those friendships. I think about old friend all the time and tell my family about them, but when you leave you have to do pretty much all the work to maintain the relationships, and also make decisions about what's worth holding on to or letting go. More recently I think there's been a bit of jealousy with Brexit and COVID, too.

Inevitably friendships drop away. But honestly, if anyone ever reached out to me that i'd been friends with years ago, i'd want to know how they were.

More recently I think there’s been a bit of jealousy with Brexit

I can see why people would be jealous of Brexit, we finally got our soverrunty back.

I emigrated ... they were Brexited upon. They're the jealous ones 😛

If it were me I'd give him a time/date of a pub to be in: get there 20mins early, get 80% through a pint and when you meet up with him, hey him to talk. As he talks,finish the beer and see if he gets them in without being prompted, if he doesn't he's a **** and then you know.

Or if he does get them in and make the effort then you can continue to find out what went on and he will have bought you 1 beer if nothing else

🙂

Some people feel that a friend has to be “forever” as if there’s some kind of ownership involved, whereas others treat it as social convenience.

For what it's worth, I don't see friends as being either of those things. Rather, friends are people who mutually give a damn about each other.

I have - well, had - 'friends' who only ever contacted me when they wanted something. I had 'friends' I kept around out of habit, or pity, or my own neediness, or guilt, or "because they're friends." But they aren't my friends, and I'm not theirs. We're acquaintances.

On the other hand. A couple of years back I went to a University reunion, not a formal thing but just like a dozen of the old group who used to hang out together. It was awkward for precisely two minutes and once you'd got over the initial shock of "who's that old bloke who looks a bit like Andy? Oh shit, it's Andy!" it was like we'd never been apart despite in some cases not having had contact for like a quarter of a century. These people, these are what friends look like.

People have one of two impacts in your life. Either they enhance it or they diminish it. You only have one life and your time is limited, spend time with the former rather than the latter.

if anyone ever reached out to me that i’d been friends with years ago, i’d want to know how they were.

Sure. This is called "morbid curiosity" and it's a primary driver for how Facebook grew to become what it is today. (-:

The sporty kid - hell, that entire group - who all made me feel like shit? Now all fat knackers after retaining Stella and pies for 20 years whereas I'm a racing snake.

Pretty boy, "I like me, who do you like?" Now bald as a coot and looks closer to 70 than 50.

The girl you fancied at school... I mean, come on, who wouldn't click on that? (Spoiler: she's still hot, damn it)

The 'cock of the year'? Crystal meth isn't a good look.

The thick kid? Built up his own business and retired in his 40s.

The fat kid? Last I heard he owned his own business also, took up (running? cycling? something) and is now fit as a butcher's dog.

I'm only semi-serious of course. None of these people were ever 'friends' really. Point is, curiosity is a powerful and innate driver. If an old f... if someone I knew a long time ago reached out then I'd want to know how they were too. But I'd be tempering that with, "but at what cost?"

During our teens he had another mate who, if he clicked his fingers, ‘N’ would drop us completely and come running. It was a bit annoying but we just accepted it.

Is it not possible that this 'other mate' was often in crisis, and he ran because it was an emergency?

I felt very sorry for him and used to take him out to the pub with another lad and take him to the footy etc etc. Just trying to be a friend and keep an eye on him, really.

So you would, hypothetically, understand his impulse toward this 'other mate'?

He texted me saying basically ‘We don’t have much in common these days so I won’t be coming’.

Is it not possible that he was in a bad place, declined as a favour, knowing he wouldn't be great company? Not wanting to be the Debbie Downer at your big do?

I like to ascribe the best of reasons for people's actions because i genuinely believe that most people are good at heart - never put down to malice that that can be explained by just being a dumb **** or whatever.

This chap has obviously made quite an effort to reconnect, perhaps he just wants to atone? Personally i'd give him a chance - only one, mind.

You sound like you need a couch and someone to listen and not judge you @cougar 🙂
The friendship range was supposed to be a spectrum.

I'm with you on some of those reunion stereotypes - except you missed the ones that died too young, from drugs or misadventure... and the fit girl who survived cancer.

Oh, and remember that kid everyone picked on because he thought he was God's gift? He thinks he's a racing snake now 😛

The reunion episode of Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? is still very much on point isn't it?

I'm still in pretty regular contact with the uni friends though, i don't think that will ever change.

I wouldn't bother. Friendships can be transient, point in time things. A set of circumstances conspire and voila!

As much as you might want to recreate that warm, fuzzy feeling of 'back then'. This is now and as much as you contrive to step back in time, you'll probably come away thinking it was nice to reconnect but we've not much in common otherwise we'd not have lost touch in the first place.

Oh, and remember that kid everyone picked on because he thought he was God’s gift? He thinks he’s a racing snake now

Hah. I didn't think I was god's gift, quite the opposite. I had the self-esteem of a blobfish.

When i was 17, i went out with a girl, tracey, she was 16, it didn’t work out, but we remained firm friends.
Contact was sporadic throughout the decades.
In January of this year, i got a phone call from her, totally out of the blue (usually one of us would text first)
I went to see her, we took her dogs down the beach and shot the breeze for a few hours.
She told me she’d been ill, kidney problems, i had noticed she looked jaundiced.
Less than 2 months later she died.

Get in touch with your mate, be the mate you would want to have.

Reply and make contact again – if it transpires that he’s still a dick tell him so and go happily on your way.

This

Thanks again for the many and varied replies to this. I appreciate you all taking the time. It has been insightful...

Anyway - an update. He had texted me asking if I was still alive so I replied last night saying 'Hi 'N'. Depends. Do I owe you money? If so - dead. If not... ;0)'

And then we've had a bit of general chit chat but nothing of any great note. If owt exciting happens I will let you know.

I'm with Cougar.... i've dismissed friends out of my life for less.

Why does this have to an all-in commitment? Why not keep it simple and just reply and curiously ask where he's been etc. You dont even have to agree to meet, just say youre glad he's well and wish him all the best but the intervening years have changed your outlook.

‘Hi ‘N’. Depends. Do I owe you money? If so – dead. If not… ;0)’

Give him a ring and go for a beer. You will probably have a laugh remembering the good things you shared.

This.

And maybe you'll end up going on a horseback trip into the mountains.

Or just having a good old one-off catch up.

Who knows.