[Closed] No one to speak to

I don't really do deep and meaningful so no. My wife thinks I'm completely emotionless,mostly I agree.

Only for the last 30 years, you get used to it eventually.

Yes Saxonrider, same. When I first did CBT the wave of relief after actually talking openly about my flying anxiety was enormous. I often think if I could find a CBT councillor for “general bollocks that’s on my mind” I would.

Yeah I know what you mean, it’s the reason I hang around on forums really, luckily I don’t have anything major to worry about at the moment.

Are there any local charities that can help out with this kind of listening post service?

I’d volunteer my services but I’ve not got enough time for myself so anyone else has got no chance.

I'm around, if that's any good? Although sounds like I'm not qualified, which is fair!

Although sounds like I’m not qualified, which is fair!

Why not?  I suspect you would be excellent.

If you still have your caravan in Belgland I'm always up for beerznchat

Currently waiting for some counselling so I can unload the bollocks in my brain. Some poor bugger is going to earn their fee.

Have any of you ever been in a situation where you’re just dying to talk to someone about things going on in your life, but there is, quite literally, no one who would (or possibly even could) understand half of what you’re talking about?

Regularly. Not trusting people and finding it hard to open up is a result of a near-lifetime of bullying and being let down by supposed friends. I've lost a few friends after thinking I could open up to them about things only to have them not take it seriously and brush things off, some were lifelong friends up until that point too. I regularly find myself being with friends and family in total silence, my brain is churning out a massive monologue of stuff I need to unload but nothing comes out of my mouth.

I just had a very weird afternoon, in which some historic ‘traumas’ got dredged up, so I guess I’m just stewing.

Mine get dredged up all the time, mainly as there's quite a few of them! Last one was just over a week ago when some friends jokingly played at stealing bits of my roast dinner, had instant flashbacks to having my lunch stolen at school.

When I first did CBT the wave of relief after actually talking openly about my flying anxiety was enormous.

I found my CBT course really helpful initially but then I got to know the other attendees and the course deliverers and I could no longer open up as I now knew them. Don't know how to break that one.

I'm with you OP. I'm thinking more and more that a monthly session with a counsellor or similar would just let me offload and process a load of stuff without judgement or being interrupted with well meaning but misguided "help".

Yes, all the time for many years, even now. Trouble is I know the root cause of the problems but took me a while to sort them out piece by piece. I have only managed to solve the last piece of the puzzle last month after nearly 30 years. 30 years! Now I am on the road to recovery but I cannot turn back the clock and no longer young.

Since last month I have been scrambling to pick up the last piece of what is left of my life.

What I have gone through I don't wish it even on to my enemies, as it is simply too cruel as a mental torture. For some people this can be life threatening. It is like death everyday for 30 years.

As a Buddhist I can only rely on Buddha's teaching to pull me through and even that is not easy because the stress on the mind cannot be controlled at times.

At one point in life I prayed for a quick death (not deliberately seeking it btw because that's not the Buddhist way) or having shorter life span but that's not a Buddhist way, so I abandon that thought.

Let's hope my final piece of puzzle can be solved this year. It will be solved but there is still some rage in me tbh.

oh ya ... the root cause of my problems is a combination of sinister intentions caused by others and my naive ignorant views that let them do it.

What I have learned? Be kind but not be a fool and guard your mind at all cost.

p/s: I wouldn't advice meditation unless you have a guru around to guide you or you will lose your mind.

pp/s: (assuming you believe in a religion) No matter how bad life has been DO NOT harm or take your own life, because what awaits you on the "other side" is worst on this sort of sin. Imagine a broken record repeating the same thoughts and actions over and over again screaming for help but nobody around.

No, I can't think of anything that I couldn't speak about with my wife, if I wanted to.

Other than my wife, I don't think I've ever had anyone I could fully open up to (and even then there are limits 😉 ). Certainly not my folks. I don't think Scots of my age ever had that sort of relationship with their parents.

I don't know if it's cause or effect but I've never had any really close friends. Lots of "acquaintances", some closer than others, but I see the friendships that some folk have and they often appear to be deeper and at a more fundamental level than I've ever managed. As a result, I've managed on my own.

I've often wondered about religion and whether that would provide some answers but I can't get the whole "divine being(s)" bit as it goes against my idea of logic. The closest I've come is a form of what is fashionably called mindfullness but to me is a calm obtained, normally outdoors and somewhere relatively wild. That doesn't answer any questions but does often set my mind at ease and an overnight camp somewhere acts as a fantastic reset for me when things are troublesome or my anxiety is peaking.

Sorry OP - not much of an answer, except to say that maybe there are avenues you haven't explored?

If this is something that's making you unhappy, and you are an employee, you will likely have access to an EAP package which includes counselling.

Get the number from your HR, it's all confidential.

I’ve often wondered about religion and whether that would provide some answers but I can’t get the whole “divine being(s)” bit as it goes against my idea of logic.

You cannot search for the answer when your mind is completely blocked or in a hyper stressed situation. NO amount of words or speech can get through when in that situation, because that happened to me. The head felt like exploding and the heart beat so fast I thought I was going to get heart attack. It's like shouting in the void.

I learned that when the mind is in panic mode or hyper stressed situation, the only escape is to fix your mind/eyes as much as possible on certain object(s) to draw away the fixation on the trouble thoughts. I fixed my thoughts on Buddha statue to calm my heart beat and slowly after nearly 30 minds I got back to some normality.

The other way to solve the life problem (hopefully you avoid having to take 30 years like me) is by searching for the root cause of the problem. Bits by bits and change/improve/remedy them accordingly. Don't let them accumulate. There will always be a trigger point for all problems. Get there to root it out.

Also be brave and have courage to face the "demon(s)". Courage is Not easy to come by so search for it.

If you fail the first time, get up and try again.

Yeah - for me, I can switch off and concentrate on the noise of running water until It calms me and there's almost nothing else in the world.

I can also see why some people retreat into alcohol or drugs.

I can also see why some people retreat into alcohol or drugs.

Yes, that's because they need to "numb the pain out" by substituting the situation they are facing. Problem is they have just escalated their own problematic situation if drugs/alcohol is used, because their mind is blocked and completely stressed. It is easy for most people to say "let it go" until they face the same situation. As I said it is like screaming in void in a space where you are in pain but nothing come to your aid because the solution is either not there anymore or is in the past. i.e. cannot turn back the clock.

Nobody realy. Wife wonders why I got grumpy after a weekend away - two adult 'children' in the house that had washed 'some' plates, but not changed cat litter (for 4 cats) or even hoovered, then she sat down to relax whilst I spent two hours getting washing on, changing litter etc.
The house is a tip as the wife decides how she want's in organising. I say, make your mind up, clear your rubbish, I'll make what you want.... then asks my opinion, that's actually never taken - sewing hobbies take up far more space than bike hobbies folks... bikes vs sewing - I'm lacking in kit... and I have 4 bikes. The changes need some mess making, but she won't move her stuff so I can get to work. I've got a knackered back and am not climbing over rubbish for big DIY projects.

She say's - I'll get someone in.... they won't work in your conditions. She get's this from her mum, and she see's mum's mess, but not her's.... daren't say it. Unfortunately, son is the messy person and is filling my garage with car tools/engines, but, he's is incredibly messy, so I end up tidying it, just to get bikes out and avoid another broken toe (6 months of agony).

Daughter just said tonight 'I might have a year break' (Uni to college). I said, you are already a year behind due to you following your boyfriend, and if he can't make up his mind again, then you need to get on with your life... I'll tell the missus shortly when she gets in. Both my adult kids are major stress.

I keep my gob shut usually....

I haven't talked with a male friend in perhaps 10 years, probably longer.

Oh, and MIL is a controlling git, despite being mid 80's, in a home and daughters are 52 - 61... FFS.

She always has been.

I fortunate, I don't get my mum being bossy over my two sisters, as I won't have it, never have, and I've never asked of her since leaving home - I'm furiously independant. My sisters get 'controlled', as my yunger brother. Me, no farkin chance... 'eldest'. MIL still want's control of her 3 daughters even though they are getting on. Grrrr

No male friends I an 'unload' to at all.

Depending on budget start at the top and then work your way down…

Therapist
Personal trainer
Barista / barkeep / waiter
Cleaner
Any business with a freephone number, doesn’t matter what they sell..
STW members.

All are better than taking problems to friends who likely have enough troubles of their own to deal with… Sad but true.

Why not? I suspect you would be excellent.

Thanks, but whilst I know what the OP does for a living, it's really a different world for me on a fundamental level. That said, I talk to my wife about work a lot. Usually when she wants to go to sleep!

The closest I’ve come is a form of what is fashionably called mindfullness but to me is a calm obtained, normally outdoors and somewhere relatively wild.

Definitely this. If I don't get out for a week or more I feel stressed, but I also lose the impetus to go out, which then changes my whole world into a completely different and more stressful place. With the outdoor stuff I still have the same problems to solve but it's a lot easier.

It's like being awake at night. As diurnal animals night has a big effect on us humans. Overnight, serotonin levels drop and then come back in the morning. So when lying in bed at night things can be stressful and horrible, but for me it lifts in the morning, even if I haven't even got to sleep. The same is true if I'm riding regularly - I just feel better. Not just one ride, but if I ride regularly.

However I don't think this quite applies to the OP's situation, but maybe things would be easier to deal with a bit of outdoor time.

I have maybe 2 friends I could ask to bury a body with me. People I could have any conversation with and who would try to support me. Neither are family members and they might not understand but I know they would listen.

So far that has been enough in the last 50 years and helped me be here today.

Stay safe OP and try to find a person to talk to.

Chief headshrinker. They've heard everything and can sit patiently as you pour out your soul.

Occasionally I've been absorbed by my past, and seek their services. Basically just someone to let it all flow out to. Does the world of good.

Family, friends etc are in fact people, and people you know can be and are often judgemental. They have their own hang ups, their own shit going on.Some dont acknowledge depression as being a problem, because they've never suffered from it

So seeking outside counseling, or a sounding board keeps private or worrisome matters out of their scope.

I just tend to talk shite to those I sometimes ride with…….Scotroutes and others have heard all my cancer woes many times and usually listen for a bit and then tell me to shut up. Works normally 😁

I can totally relate to this and tend to suffer this during the week whilst at home on my own.

I've been fighting with my own thoughts for a few years and going round in circles.

Why don't we form one?, take it online and offload? Can't be that difficult to organise via zoom/teams?

Thanks, but whilst I know what the OP does for a living, it’s really a different world for me on a fundamental level.

So do I (or at least I think I did at one point).  It might make it more difficult but it might make it easier as it stops you trying to find solutions (as someone alluded to earlier).  Sometimes you just need to talk and go over the same ground again and again.  It's like trying to solve a problem, just being able to clearly describe the problem to someone else is often enough to help you find a way forward. Having all of the parts in your brain but without having to put them together logically can often lock you up

Yeah, unfortunately I completely get where you're coming from. Have no one I can properly speak to, haven't done for many years. The past few years troubles have built on top of everything that was already festering and feel I'm now my own worst enemy. Anxiety and depression definitely doesn't help matters either.

Ironically though I'm more than happy to listen, apparently I'm quite good at that and I'll always give advice or help if I can. Maybe that's why I find it difficult to talk to begin with?

Not a single soul in 59 years on this planet... realised a while ago that no one gives an actual **** about me beyond my abilty to deliver functional stuff, (House, money, business, DIY)

Recently had some time with a Therapist which confirmed all the above, the Therapist more or less told me to **** off into the sunset.. i can't be arsed.

As someone else says you get used to it.

realised a while ago that no one gives an actual **** about me

Oh I dunno, some people give a shit about everyone.

Call the samaritans; they're a listening service - not suicide prevention as many people think.
If they do comment it will be impartial and non-judgemental.
To answer the original question - yes, felt that way for most of my adult life; it didn't change much when I was married or in subsequent relationships.
One thing is abundantly clear - women are far better at building and maintaining support networks and will always(?) be able to turn to someone in that network.
Men, generally, haven't yet mastered that skill.

"realised a while ago that no one gives an actual **** about me beyond my abilty to deliver functional stuff, (House, money, business, DIY)"

I very often feel like this. In better moments, I know it's not true, that my wife and children care very much, but it's sometimes hard to believe it.

I have a very distant relationship with my mother and sisters (father died when i was 15).

I have no real friends. I get on well with people at work, but i'm the boss so it's not a relationship in which i can open up. I can chat to people in the road cycling club, but don't speak to any of them outside of the actual ride.

I used to have a small group of good friends, but they were all through mountain biking. Gradually, with the arrival of children, we rode less, drifted apart. It seems unlikely that at 46 i'm going to make new, close, friends. I guess this is just how it is.

I tried CBT a year or two ago for some specific problems. It was helpful, but she was more focussed on applying her techniques, on addressing the specific issue, whereas I found the talking about general life stuff to be much more helpful. Maybe I'll go back and ask her to just listen. It was helpful to just unload things every couple of weeks.

No, I can’t think of anything that I couldn’t speak about with my wife, if I wanted to.

Same here.

Don't discount the possibility that some folks partners are already dealing with enough of their own / families / friends issues that it might feel like too much of an imposition to involve them in even more.

I suppose I am lucky or an outlier in having folk to talk to. When I moved to Edinburgh 30 years ago I knew I needed to find friends and made a deliberate attempt to do so. I wonder if being child free makes doing so more of an imperative and you also get more / different opportunities to meet folk.

"One thing is abundantly clear – women are far better at building and maintaining support networks and will always(?) be able to turn to someone in that network."

Not all women, @frankconway.

I've have got no one to talk to but I don't even think it would make a difference now.
I did find it valuable talking to a therapist (once I'd found the right one) because she had to ability to listen and so many people just do not have that skill. Can't afford to pay anyone now. I also found they want you to make progress but sometimes it's all you can do to tread water.
I feel they get frustrated and, to be fair, it must be difficult listening to the same old shit knowing that the person is never going to move on.

Last one was just over a week ago when some friends jokingly played at stealing bits of my roast dinner

A fork in the back of the hand stops that and prevents a reoccurrence.

I wonder if being child free makes doing so more of an imperative and you also get more / different opportunities to meet folk.

Quite possibly the opposite. Lots of friends we have were first made through childrens activities, nursery, school etc. I can imagine having to make an extra effort without that commonality.

I wonder if being child free makes doing so more of an imperative and you also get more / different opportunities to meet folk.

Quite possibly the opposite.

Yeah it does depend on your personality. If you're gregarious then you'd go and find friends anyway; if you're not then you wouldn't do that but doing parent stuff often puts you in touch with people anyway.

Sometimes i think that we dont realise who would be willing to listen.

I say this as i used to have noone, bottle up a lot of stuff, but im better at talking now then i ever have been.

I am currently going through a seperation and the amount of people who i generally just chat to on a daily basis about mundane stuff, have asked if im okay like they normally would and i have said, actually no im not, ive seperated from my wife and i have no home, and im kipping at a mates and lifes just generally a bi crap at the moment.

To which you then get, an oh thats rubbish response, but mostly people always say, if you want to talk then im here even if its just to unload.

My advice is open up to people you wouldnt normally they might just surprise you.

Lots of counsellors do online chats these days and it doesn’t have to be a big deal with a long term commitment - just a sounding board to help structure thoughts can be useful. My uni friend posted on Facebook the other day that she’s got space at the moment, if you’re looking for someone: https://fifecounselling.com/

"The closest I’ve come is a form of what is fashionably called mindfullness but to me is a calm obtained, normally outdoors and somewhere relatively wild. That doesn’t answer any questions but does often set my mind at ease and an overnight camp somewhere acts as a fantastic reset for me when things are troublesome or my anxiety is peaking."

I rarely find myself feeling really calm, but i recently started building Technic Lego sets. they require full concentration, so blocking out any negative thoughts, yet there's nothign difficult or stressful about them. Just look at the picture, find the piece, put it where it goes, over and over, while seeing a nice thing come into being.

I've recently returned to mountain biking after about 10 years away. I really find it gives me something positive. A day off work, riding, on my own, seems to refresh me.

I know it's a cliche but with road riding, i have lots of time to think and stew on the negative thoughts, and have often bailed on a planned long ride. whereas with mountain biking, especially a little bike on technical trails, there's no space for any of that. It's full concentration, in the moment, mindful stuff.

No one i feel able to talk to

Is not the same as hsving no one to talk to