[Closed] New work related words and phrases since Zoom/Teams etc

sorry the cat is walking across my laptop

Can't put the camera on my hair is a mess/still in pyjamas.

oh, sorry, thought I was on mute. No offence !

Your still on mute

Your STILL on mute!

Can you hear me now? My microphone wasn't working.

From the meeting I've just come out of

"I'm sorry, my Brazilian is a bit rusty"

Thank god I was on mute 🤣

How do I share my screen?

Can you see my screen now?

How about now?

One from last week; 'can you adjust your camera we can only see your helmet' coffee was sprayed.

And linked, what the chuff is it with 'onbaording' rather than induction and 'the optics' rather than perceptions. FFS

“I’m sorry, my Brazilian is a bit rusty”

I didn't have you down as a redhead.

Recently i've had said to me....

"Is that a 24 pack of Quavers?"

"How many pianos do you need?"

"Hello doggy!"

I get the last one a lot.

You've gone all Dalek.

We have a bloke who insists on asking every remote attendee if they can see his shared content individually.

"Can you see that Matt?" "yep"
"Can you see that Bill?" "yep"
"Can you see that Tony?" "yep"
"Can you see that other Bill?" "yep"
Etc.

Then he changes content.
"Can you see that Matt?" "yep"
"Can you see that Bill?" "yep"
"Can you see that Tony?" "yep"
"Can you see that other Bill?" "yep"
Etc.
😒

I have a global role. I could be anywhere in the world, at least pre-covid. Current client is in the next town. But they are all WFH, and the specific guy I just spoke to on Teams is about 500m away. He knew me from the local community Facebook page!

Says: "I'm not enabling the camera as my wife is in a Teams meeting too and it eats bandwidth."

Means: I'm hungover to ****, I'm wearing my Mr. Bump t-shirt and my hair's a bit Flock of Seagulls frontman.

"Can you adjust the lighting, you like you're in witness protection" (back lit silhouette)
"You need to put your microphone boom back down"

Andy why oh why are there some folk that refuse to use a headset in echo chamber rooms - FFS!

I didn’t have you down as a redhead.

Was actually my new boss, a bald headed, 50 something male of Afro Caribbean descent.

Don't get me started with "onboarding" 🤬 I've just started a new job, and they asked what I thought of the "onboarding" process. I suggested that if he used that phrase again I would have to kill him.

That awkward quiet spell at the start of the call before everyone has joined, I always start with some random comment/question to break the ice a little.

We have a bloke who insists on asking every remote attendee if they can see his shared content individually.

I'd not be able not to take the mick in that position, no, wait, yep, oh actually, is that your wife?

Not another ****ing zoom/teams meeting

A lot of our offshore colleagues connect by virtual desktops, ie not physical computer but rather one of many virtual computers that ran on the central server , and we had a few meetings where there was feedback saying that the offshore team were refusing to switch their cameras on.

We explained that as virtual desktops they were physical computers and therefor no cameras.

One of the customer team asked if he could get his kids some of these amazing virtual desktops as they keep breaking the screens and stuff on the laptops he buys them.

Yea, don’t stand up.

"Shelfie"

'Sat like this can you tell I'm having a danger ****?'

'Where are you now ?'

Despite a small(ish) house, I'm working from the shed or the conservatory - usually the shed. It's my wife's craft room, so has bunting up and pictures etc (it's insulated and ply lined and painted. The other week I was just about to get onto my turbo at lunch, and one of the managers called - 'Where are you now, the shed ?' - 'nope the garage, just about to get on the turbo', as all he could see were bikes and wheels hung from the wall.

"Eh? Um? What?
Oh, sorry, could you say that again? You dropped out."

AKA I wasn't paying any attention and have no idea what's going on.

I don't understand the obsession with cameras, we do it for certain calls but if my boss calls to ask me something, I don't see the need to see him. I know what he looks like and the camera doesn't add anything to the conversation.

Something I have noticed about everybody working from home is how little effort some people make to reduce background noise. Yes, you can't help it if the postie knocks or the dog barks but you could close the door so we don't all have to listen to the washing machine or take the dog off your lap when it is whining on a team call.

Was asked about the lego on the windowsill behind be last week.
obviously the book cases were commented on during my interview.
am expecting to be asked to show my climbing wall tomorrow when they ask me what I did tonight.

The most common comment has to be 'sorry was on mute'

I’d not be able not to take the mick in that position, no, wait, yep, oh actually, is that your wife?

Lol, totally using that next time "Holy shit, how did you get into that position? Do a lot of yoga?"

Sorry can you repeat that? Someone came to the door.

(I was on STW)

I delivered a training session the other day, wearing a crumpled inside-out T-shirt. Forgot that everyone could see me. Looked like I’d just rolled out of bed 😆

"Bloody Teams" is the new most-commonly uttered phrase.

We’ll just give them a few more seconds

They should be here, I’ve come from another call with them (your call buddy for the day)

Dave, Dave, you’re cameras on mate (Only one with camera on, starts picking his nose. Doesn’t seem to care)

*Gives the 'Hi, I can see you but the audio hasn't connected yet' little wave*

Haha awesome, some made me chuckle! Genius idea asking people to repeat what they said because the connection dropped out when in reality I wasn't paying attention! Definitely get the 'can you see my screen yet' a lot, and get annoyed when people have only shared one particular document and don't seem to have grasped the fact they can share a whole screen.

"get annoyed when people have only shared one particular document and don’t seem to have grasped the fact they can share a whole screen."

This is entirely intentional.  That way if someone messages me or similar it doesn't get shown to the whole audience.  Has saved a few potentially embarrassing moments.

We never use video, really. If someone turns their video on everyone complains until they turn it off.

We don't normally use video as the call quality struggles. Though I now know one of my new colleagues rolls his own fags and smokes them during team calls...

"Teams me!"

Also "can everyone turn off their microphones as there is a lot of background noise"

I'm not comfortable in seeing the inside of people's homes that I only know in a work place environment, recently could see the inside of someones bedroom FFS!

How hard is it to get dressed in the morning?

We don’t normally use video as the call quality struggles. Though I now know one of my new colleagues rolls his own fags and smokes them during team calls…

I am normally very properly dressed while on team/zoom calls.

Nothing excited with my white colour background and I do wear formally for the meeting but smoke roll up during the team/zoom calls then try to blow the smoke directly into the webcam to see the effect ... 😂 That will learn them boss or not.

Also everyone has a photo of themselves as profile pic but I have my dog instead so when I turn off my video they see my dog (all my colleagues have their face as profile pic) 😂

I used to hate the term onboarding as well, untill I realised it's related to waterboarding and it suddenly made sense.
As listening to HR and health and safety etc. is a form of torture.

I had ' I'm sorry I can't hear you as my speaker won't work'.
15 minutes in....