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Further to my separation and divorce posts along with contributions to the online dating threads, I find myself in the unexpectedly, but happy, position of having met someone more intelligent, better looking and all round more awesome than me, I know, I didn't think it possible either :-).
Things have progressed pretty quickly, we spent the week learning to surf together last week in Fuertuventra, and I've met two of her three children so far.
I have told my kids that I'm in a relationship, and they have responded pretty well to that, but I'm after some advice for how best to arrange meeting my new partner. The two I've met of hers have been at an event and this morning when one was dropped off at hers before I left for work. All good so far.
I have posted on here that my eldest is autisitic, and he is up and down a little about it, he's realised that any thoughts of me and his mother getting back together are long gone, possibly not helped by the fact that we've remained amicable and are in and out of each others lives a fair bit. Any way I don't think that's a major stumbling block. I'm just interested how people have done this and any advice would be gratefully received.
Steve
I would suggest to get a balanced view? Post this on MumsNet 😮
how old are the kids? Not that I have any advice being childfree but I would have thought the ages make a difference to approach
TJ good point.
Son is 15, two daughters 12 and 9.
Partners kids are 12, 9 and 6.
The chaos of six children has dawned on us already 😉.
Arrange for you all to meet in a neutral place – with those ages I would say some kind of play centre like a trampoline park – get them interacting with each other, not able to slink off to a safe place like a bedroom.
Good luck.
Go somewhere fun where the emphasis is on the task not meeting someone new. The zoo that kinda thing
Hey Steve ! From my (albeit limited and very much in the past) experience, neutral is good - especially if there is scope for taking breaks/ having quiet time. I'm aware of how children with autism can have need to take time processing these kind of things, make sure he's comfortable!
Also, you need to make sure you come out to the lakes this year for some beers ...
Other Steve
I introduced my other half to the kids over a home cooked meal. She didn't tell me how socially awkward she can be when eating, bless her, so ended up looking extremely uncomfortable and barely ate anything.
She's worked through it and 5 years later we are planning our marriage. Kids love her, I've made sure she was always aware that the kids are my priority for everything in life and that there will also be no more. They've been involved in decisions regarding marriage and were part of my proposal to her aswell.
Don't put too much pressure on it, something the kids are comfortable with doing is likely the best idea.
The chaos of six children has dawned on us already 😉.
good luck!
Remarkably well balanced range of ages there, so two pairs who each have someone to bond with when they’re of an age where that’s likely to be important.
I’ve no other experience or advice to offer, I have no kids of my own, so very best of luck to you all and best wishes for the future.
I've been there (as the eldest child, not the Dad).
Firstly - your kids are not stupid. They know exactly whats going on. Your obviously past this phase but we knew exactly what was going on for months before our parents finally sat us down for the Dads moving out talk.... "Oh yeah we know, just wondered how long it would take for you to tell us, can I go play nintendo now".
Neutral ground. Some sort of event, a party or something. Where you are going, with your kids, and she is going, with her kids. Definitely not a forced type of YOU KIDS ARE ALL GOING TO GET ALONG WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT type thing.
Remarkably well balanced range of ages there, so two pairs who each have someone to bond with when they’re of an age where that’s likely to be important.
I’ve no other experience or advice to offer, I have no kids of my own
Oh and - theres absolutely no reason at all to assume that your respective kids should, or will, bond with, befriend or get along with each other, especially not just because they happen to be similar ages. You chose their Mum, but they didnt choose each other. Being polite, behaved and not tearing each other to pieces is as much as you should hope for and expect - anyhting else is a bonus.
(NB - I get on great with my step siblings, but its not a given...).
Oh god, I'm not planning on all 8 of us getting together in one go! The plan is introduce my partner first, then we'll work out the process for chaos to kick in 🙂
Pretty sure my son would be overwhelmed trying to meet four new people at once, to be fair I think I would be as well, he struggles with his nephews!
Ninja Warrior may not be good for the autistic child, lots of noise and movement which some autistic people don't get on with. Escape room may be better as you work in your group without external input from strangers and noise levels can be kept lower.
Leave some of the kids clothes/bedding in the other kids house so they get used to their scent
Sorry, cant offer much other than my inner voice is screaming no at the thought of having to perform/contribute in a locked room half full of strangers.
Ninja Warrior may not be good for the autistic child
Fair enough, I don't have a great deal of experience with autism other than the kid we have staying with us that is *suspected* autistic (but could be many other things given his history) but he'd love it (he also loves Escape Rooms tbf),
Aye, once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.
If Gee is happy to go to a venue, noise and lights etc are never an issue, if however he goes against his will... He'll go swimming at the local baths with his mates, won't go with me and his youngest sister!
I'm probably erring towards a dog walk and cafe stop to keep it simple.
Six kids, I reckon paintballing, sort out a pecking order pretty sharpish 😉
Things have progressed pretty quickly
This sentence concerns me. How quickly?
This sentence concerns me. How quickly?
We met last weekend, it's been a whirlwind so far* 🙂
*Started seeing each other at the start of the summer, don't worry we're not rushing headlong into anything, we just don't want to have to hide away etc.
Things are unlikley to change quickly as our childcare arrangements are pretty much back to back (a small miracle in the world of dating as a parent).
I’m after some advice for how best to arrange meeting my new partner.<br />
I’ve no direct experience of this, but I’d suggest something brief and casual to start with, a bit like dating?
So have her come round for a coffee when they are in, whilst she’s on her way to something else. That way there’s little pressure, they can go back to their rooms if they want to, and it’s on home territory and time limited. And there’ll be chocolate biscuits.
”I’ve invited Gloria around for a coffee, she’s going to be passing on her way to spelunking, I know she’s interested to meet you, I thought it might be a good opportunity to say hello.”
And it they decide that they’re not going to be in or only say hello briefly, I wouldn’t force the issue, but would keep inviting her round.
The trick to persuading people is to give them the chance to say no, and avoiding pushing against a closed door IMV.
Leave some of the kids clothes/bedding in the other kids house so they get used to their scent
Love this!
@twistedpencil The use of the word ‘may’ was to cover that eventuality. You know your child better than anyone here.
It's already been said mostly.
But neutral place with an "activity" planned with a start and finish time. (and a bail out option).
Make sure her kids are ok with you and your kids with her before you try any combinations of your kids and her kids in the same room.
Also, don't spring it on them.