[Closed] New puppy causing anxiety

That sounds terrible and i feel for you - it is not clear from your post - what are you anxious about? That something will happen to the pup?

Hows the dog doing? (Serious question)

If there is someone in the house all day the dog will be happy, dogs sleep a lot even terriers.

Dogs dont need 24x7 care they need feeding, walking and lots of play when they are pups.

I doubt you will come up short from the dogs perspective....

You've had the pup for a week and I can't see why you wouldn't consider the upheaval a new puppy brings before you got it.

Cairns are notoriously stubborn, so even as adult dogs they can be a challenge.

Reading your post I'd be inclined to discuss with the breeder as they'll have a much better chance of finding it a suitable home whilst it's so young.

Owner of 2 x Cairn Terriers and involved in Cairn Rescue.

Sounds like your grieving for a past life. It's a tricky one because you have lost the control and freedom in your old life without seeing the opportunities and benefits that the dog will bring once it's beyond the puppy stage. Puppies are hard work, it won't stay like this.

It's a tough one, but follow your instinct.

Puppies are a right handful and it will get easier after a couple of years, but you seem to have realised that it was the wrong decision.

So...

discuss with the breeder as they’ll have a much better chance of finding it a suitable home whilst it’s so young.

+1

5 years ago we got a wee Cocker spaniel pup, immediately I felt unwell, absolutely no energy, sick, no appetite, was bloody horrible. Went to the doctors, he said it could be an allergy, although I had no skin allergy type symptoms, none of the usual stuff.

We had him a week, never improved, wee yin was 9 at the time and while she was desperate for a dog, she just never really took to him (yes, I know it was only a week, tbh she'd love him now), I had no idea how long those symptoms would last, and had a decision to make.

So, I took him back to the breeder.

Tbh, it was the right decision, I firmly believe a dog just wasn't for us, you may be the same, your decision fella.

Getting a dog has been the most stressful experience I have ever faced. It has caused more conflict between my wife and I than we've ever had before. It has been a little over a year and it's been really hard work.

It may well not be for you if you are already someone who has some degree of anxiety, I consider myself as pretty laid back before and my wife as mildly anxious (previously highly anxious but she's been improving over the years).

Our case is a little different in that we've been together longer and our dog developed a serious life-long illness after 5 weeks.

There are positives too; we both love her immensely, we both care far too much about her. When things are good they are very good. We know more people locally than we have ever known before (we've lived here 14 years). We have found some amazing neighbours who have been excellent in helping us out with training and tips, some who have stepped in to look after her when we have both needed to be out or needed a break.

Only you can really make the decision, but if you genuinely are struggling now, it may be worth re-considering. Puppies will easily be rehomed don't for a minute feel any guilt about making that part of the decision.

Dogs are enriching, but there is also a cost, mentally, physically and personally financially (I've sponsored a wing at the local specialist vets now I think).

EDIT: When we got a dog, so did our sister in law and her partner, but being the excessive people they are, they went St Bernard, you can tell they both regret it, 60kg of regret (at only 9 months as well), she's lovely, but their house is a state and the garden is trashed (formerly a lot of pride taken in the garden).

Not sure about the dog, but definitely don’t have children. Can’t send them back…

I now realise it’s a serious issue for me and the thought of not being able to enjoy the incredible life we had before the pup is causing me to freak out and feel incredibly anxious.

For the sake of your mental health, you probably need to re-home this dog

There's so much to unpack in that one post that I can only think that the best option is to return the dog, and have a really good think about what you are getting into by getting a dog. Then also consider why you really wanted a terrier, which is starting at the hard end of ownership. After that there's all the other stuff like why you're expecting things to be different post-wedding when you've already been together 10 years

I'm assuming that you guys don't have kids.

The reality of having a dog is a significant loss of personal freedom. And by that I mean the ability to do what you want, when you want  where you want. All of a sudden you have this little creature with multiple demands on your time and your freedom.

This can be hard to deal with.

Not to mention the fact that a puppy requires training, monitoring and controlled exercising in a way that a mature dog usually doesn't.

Bottom line is it is hard work and requires a lot of commitment. And of course you've had no training or prep time, just massive overnight change.

Of course there is trade off in terms of alife long friend, companion and ally. But the short term pain may be too high.

Congratulations on being honest and brave enough to open up to the negative impact this is having on you and your wife. All things being equal, if you can't see light at the end of the tunnel, for the sake of you, the wife and the dog I'd think very seriously about taking it back.

I don't know if you guys are thinking of having kidd, but the impact of them on home life is also very profound

Have you bean/talked to the doctor?

If it's symptoms of other underlying issues and the dog is just the catalyst it would be a shame for you and the dog to miss out on life together.

Talking to the doctor about my anxiety depression was one of the best things I have ever done.

I think you've realised that you both have some mental health issues regarding changes in your routine, and I think you maybe need to address those first without the responsibility of a puppy in the middle of it - especially a breed that are known for being tricky even for experienced owners!

Dogs are fairly simple creatures really - they need love, and boundaries. We've been dog owners for 11 years, and our 6 month old pup is a handful even for us! For the first two months he was never left alone and he needed almost constant monitoring to establish the boundaries, keep on top of the toilet training, etc - and this was with our existing dog helping teach him!

It's an immense amount of work, but now at 6 months we're beginning to see the results of that and he's just a joy to be around. You need to be realistic about what's involved, and whether you actually want to fix your issues long-term. It might help to actually write down what it was you hoped to get from owning a dog, what you thought it would be like, how the reality is different, and what about the change is making you anxious. You can then make a rational decision regarding whether the best option is to get help and work through it, or hand the dog back. I would advise doing it sooner rather than later so that the pup doesn't get too bonded to you though - none of this is his fault.

why you’re expecting things to be different post-wedding when you’ve already been together 10 years

This tbh.

I think it's quite possible that you expected change by getting married and getting a dog and you're actually feeling anxious that nothing has really changed, but looking at the dog and making that the focus of all your anxieties.

I think potentially look at taking the dog back but ensure you're in regular counselling tbh. That's probably number 1.

You don't say exactly what is making you anxious but I extrapolate that it is because you think you've made a bad decision that you now can't undo, and that the decision will have long term negative consequences for you and your wife, and the pup?

Good news. You haven't; it won't.

Be careful not to 'catastrophise'. It has only been a week. You say yourself that you like routine, and don't like change. You've made a change that will blow your routine to shreds and make you very tired to boot. What you are feeling now is all within the bounds of normal human response to such a change, and doesn't mean you've done something terribly wrong.

Have you asked your wife why she is in tears? Is it the pup, or is it that she is seeing the effect that the situation is having on you? Constantly talking about whether to keep him or send him back will probably be creating huge cognitive dissonance for her. Should she bond with the pup or not? Should she go along with your feelings or challenge you on them at a time when she must know you are fragile? It must be creating an emotional toll for her.

Don't feel bad about that. Corny to say but: she loves you for you.

Do think about how you can help diffuse the situation.

From your description it sounds like you are well set up to be a dog owner and can give it the care it needs over time. Puppies can be hard work but they do calm down eventually, and in any case you will get used to the change.

You sound like a responsible person who cares very deeply about the welfare of the pup. You don't seem to say anything about your situation that suggests that the pup's well-being will be compromised in the long term.

You do sound a bit worried about the impact it will have our your lifestyle. That's a reasonable concern. On the other hand, make sure you are not comparing the hypothetical with the real. Keeping all options open often means choosing none.

Therefore in my view the decision can be made taking into account the following question and the following question only:

1. "Do I *want* to be a dog owner?"

If the answer is "Yes, but I am struggling", then persevere. Embrace the challenge. Commit to giving the pup a great start but don't worry too much if you don't achieve perfection. From observation of the doggy people in my life, very few of them have, and it doesn't matter.

If the answer is "No, I don't *want* this" then return the pup as soon as possible. It will be easy to rehome at this stage.

It's all about emotion and not logic at this stage. Please don't say "Let's give it a few more weeks and then decide". That's a horrible experience for all concerned.

Are you seeking medical help for the fact you've clearly done something to trigger a bout of wider anxiety? (I recognise what you are saying from personal experience... not got a dog but you should have seen me the first time we bought a house, and the time I made a bad job move... ). In a sense, the anxiety can be separated from the situation itself... it is like falling over a breaking a leg because you tried a new sport... not what you had in mind but it happened. Just get the treatment you need to deal with it.

In the meantime, chin up, you are doing fine.

Congratulations on being honest and brave enough to open up to the negative impact this is having on you and your wife

This + 1

Now, we finally have our little pup, 9 weeks old

Still VERY early days. My wife had the same with our now seven month old cocker spaniel (our third). It will improve. Keep it in a cage at night. Be disciplined. It's a baby and they are hard work. But they do improve. Ours is very food driven (of course), but has responded well to training. And you are its favourite toy. But you are above all his trainer.

Really sorry to hear that you are struggling with this.
On the flip side I found that having a dog really helped my mental health - gave me something else to focus on other than the never ending crap that seemed to go my way.
My wife is a stay at home mom, so she did the majority of the training but he is most definitely MY dog - we just have a bond. When I was off work with stress & anxiety just taking him for a walk, spending time playing or just having him sit on my lap for a bit of fuss gave such a mental boost.

Yes they can be hard work - chewing, pooping, peeing and whining but so worth it.

We also mainly holiday in the UK and take him with us, and most of our days out are 'outdoorsy' so he comes along to those too. My Dad & MIL have watched him for the odd day when we've had something on - so you do need a bit of support every now and again.

But if it really isn't working, then the best thing for all of you is to ask the breeder to re-home.

Good luck with your decision.

I’ve never seen a dog as this much of an issue.
Our first one was bought without my knowledge and dumped on me when I woke up after a nightshift
It just slotted in, they aren’t hard work.
I’d say here that the dog is not the issue.

they aren’t hard work.

My experience is not your experience of course, but I'd disagree.

Reactivity, resource guarding, 'roid rage, sickness, food stealing, general middle of the night guard-dog stuff. Then there's the lifestyle changes, as someone who has been used to the freedom to do what I want with a reasonable amount of my time, I'm now not able to find time for much riding between working, looking after a dog and my wife being out at work for the day Mon-Fri. Then there's holiday's initial plans were, estate car and she'd come to France with us, OR go to our friends who is a dog-sitter. She's too sick to insure for international travel (or to vaccinate), then there's the time she chewed the floor up at our dig sitting friends house, or the time she destroyed a metal crate overnight, or the last time we went when we attacked one of the other guest dogs. So we aren't asking our friend to look after her now and need an alternative for holidays, not that we've had any non-UK ones for a couple of years of course!

Thanks all for the feedback and help. It all helps. For sure, the issue is with us and not the dog; while we've never had a dog or a puppy before, we and others can tell that he is not a menace, just a puppy, and that really hurts me as he has done nothing wrong.

My wife and I are very, very close; aside from my MTBing, we do everything together and we do enjoy being out and about and doing things as well as having time together to kick back and relax, as we do so much when we're out we need a rest! We've both said we miss being ourselves. While I've had issues in the past, I am generally very laid back and most things do not phase me, everyone remarked on our wedding day how calm and relaxed I was. I definitely think that I was expecting some time to relax after 2 years planning the wedding, so we could get the last few things around the house in order (the garden for example, which is not puppy secure at the moment) and be ourselves with our routine for a bit.

While I said we'd thought about one for years, in terms of actually planning for one, it all happened in the space of a few weeks; we finally found a good breeder, travelled to meet the pups and loved one of them.

My idea of routine has gone well out of the window for the last 2 months and I think that is the thing that is throwing me the most. I get we will have a new routine, but my worry is what it will do to us both in the meantime. For sure, my mental health is a big part of this issue and it kills me that I'm finding what should be such a menial thing is causing as much stress and upset as it is.

By the way OP - does your username suggest that you work in the legal sector? If so - check out https://www.lawcare.org.uk And know you are *very* far from alone in having to deal with the adverse effects of anxiety in this profession. It's a helpful attribute for our work but it's like a professional curse ... many of us have to work out how to deal with the impacts on our personal lives at some point or other.

Can I ask - what is it about having a puppy that is stopping you being yourself?

I'm guessing you had an idea of what you thought dog ownership would be like - is there a massive disconnect between that and the reality of it?

All dogs are different.
We have a 6 year old chocolate lab, easiest, most laid back dog I’ve ever dealt with. His training was just so easy and stress free. Not scent driven, brilliant on walks. He’s an absolute joy to take out.
We have a 1 year old Sprocker Spaniel. Complete opposite. Needs almost 100% attention. Has had 4 solid months of training, his recall is really good until he gets a scent, then he’s gone. No chance of getting him back until he wants to come back. His daily exercise he’s generally confined to the 30m lead and chases a frisbee or we run around a large field together, I just can’t trust him of the lead. On the lead, we can have 3 or 4 walks with him and he’s great, no pulling, walking next to me in a nice straight line. Equally he can be a nightmare for 3 or 4 walks, pulling everywhere to go sniff something, wants to go in every gap in a hedge he finds. In training he’s like the top pupil, does everything perfectly. We continue the training at home, he’s really engaged at the start then just wants to fight. He’s hard work. Still chewing everything he can.
We love him to bits, but it can be tough. Fortunately we have the time and energy to deal with it. But I could definitely see why some folks see dog ownership as a stressful time.

I feel so pathetic for feeling this way when others go through so, so much more.

What makes this forum great is how willing people are to help out, no matter what you need. Unless you're asking 'What SUV To Go Fox Hunting'. Problems are problems, someone else might have bigger problems, but that doesn't devalue yours. Fair play to you for opening up about it. Many wouldn't.

Some pups can be extremely challenging, not that they're bad pups, but may need some sessions with a dog trainer. That might do you both the world of good. We did it with one of our family dogs (Lab) and the difference was amazing.

My experience is not your experience of course, but I’d disagree.

Reactivity, resource guarding, ‘roid rage, sickness, food stealing, general middle of the night guard-dog stuff. Then there’s the lifestyle changes, as someone who has been used to the freedom to do what I want with a reasonable amount of my time, I’m now not able to find time for much riding between working, looking after a dog and my wife being out at work for the day Mon-Fri. Then there’s holiday’s initial plans were, estate car and she’d come to France with us, OR go to our friends who is a dog-sitter. She’s too sick to insure for international travel (or to vaccinate), then there’s the time she chewed the floor up at our dig sitting friends house, or the time she destroyed a metal crate overnight, or the last time we went when we attacked one of the other guest dogs. So we aren’t asking our friend to look after her now and need an alternative for holidays, not that we’ve had any non-UK ones for a couple of years of course!

Everything you've talked about there is absolutely standard dog ownership. They destroy things. They take up your time. They dump on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night. They sick over your sofa after eating questionable things on walks. They roll in smelly things on walks, needing a bath when they get home. They need hours of exercise a week. They want attention off you when you might not want to give it. Ask pretty much any dog owner and they'll have told you this before you bought your dog. Anybody not understanding this before buying should really not be owning dogs.

My idea of routine has gone well out of the window for the last 2 months and I think that is the thing that is throwing me the most. I get we will have a new routine, but my worry is what it will do to us both in the meantime. For sure, my mental health is a big part of this issue and it kills me that I’m finding what should be such a menial thing is causing as much stress and upset as it is.

Do you want to go back to your old (pre-wedding) routine? Or do you want to just have 'a routine'? either way, it will come in time, but your last sentence will, imo, hold you back.

Having a dog isn't a menial thing (and a puppy even less so), if you can 'embrace the chaos' and accept that you need to devote time for all three of you to settle in to a new routine, it will be worth it in spades further down the line. Dont try and do the things you used to, because if you fail then that could be put back on the pup which isn'y fair on you or the dog.

Fwiw, we got a second puppy in 2019 and she is still a cause of anxiety in me. Her behavior is exemplary 99% of the time, but when we go anywhere in the car she gets really anxious and barks/whines etc in the car which really drives me nuts.

BUT and i'm sure other dog owners agree, the companionship, fun, affection and pleasure we share the rest of the time makes dog ownership one of the best things for both mine and my wife's mental health.

they aren’t hard work.

They can be bloody hard work!

We currently have a 1yr old Jack Russell - 95% of the time he's as good as gold. But he won't be left along without howling the house down. And nothing seems to work (so far!).

We've both been brought up with dogs and I've lost count of how many we've both had and this little scrote is proving troublesome! 🙂

If you've never experienced owning a dog, the reality of how tying they are will come as a shock.

IdleJon
Full Member
Everything you’ve talked about there is absolutely standard dog ownership. They destroy things. They take up your time. They dump on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night. They sick over your sofa after eating questionable things on walks. They roll in smelly things on walks, needing a bath when they get home. They need hours of exercise a week. They want attention off you when you might not want to give it. Ask pretty much any dog owner and they’ll have told you this before you bought your dog. Anybody not understanding this before buying should really not be owning dogs.

Which means a lot of hard work, exactly what toby1 was saying

Puppy blues are fairly normal in fact most of us have been there! It's damn hard work and to do it correctly and come out the other end with a well behaved dog is even more work than that! You have 12 months of solid work before things even slightly start to get easier and then I'm afraid you've taken on a terrier and they are notoriously tenacious! You'll need to socialise the dog, start work on your recall and then proof it like crazy, get them used to every possible situation that you may want to expose them to later on down the line plus a multitude of other responsibilities. Only you can decide whether you're capable of and ready for all of that but you need to make the decision as soon as you can so the dog doesnt miss out on this early important stages.

This is a thread dedicated to people facing the same puppy blues. on an alternative forum that I'm a member of so you can see you're not alone!

Which means a lot of hard work, exactly what toby1 was saying

Not quite - I'm saying that it shouldn't come as a surprise. There's no point complaining about it after you've bought the dog.

Agree with IdleJon, dogs are hard work and everybody should go into dog ownership with eyes wide open. On the whole though I think lockdown changed that for a lot of people. Anyway, I digress.

OP - sorry you are feeling this way. I’d love to say that it will get better and you should persevere but honestly, if you are feeling like this after one week I would say return the dog to the breeder. Don’t feel bad about it or cause yourself any more heartache - better to do it now than make yourselves ill. The breeder will no doubt be more interested in making sure the pup goes to a more suitable home than judging you.

End of the day you need to do what is best for the dog, which will coincide with what is best for you.

I went through exactly the same thing. I really struggled in the first few months, nevermind days/weeks.

I had panic attacks, didn't sleep, didn't eat.

He's almost 11 months old now and all the hard work is starting to pay off. He can still be really hard work some days and we have seperation issues, but we will keep working at it as we can see the progress in other areas.

Now he is great fun to have around and is great company. He loves everyone and other dogs, he's always so happy around them. And on another level, he has been a support for me at times when I've been struggling with my mental health. I think he can sense it a little bit and tends to lump himself on me and stay close for a bit.

If you want it long term, stick at it.

Could just be the wrong dog at the wrong time for you. It seems the little chap is getting in the way of you and your wifes happiness rather than adding to it. Trust me, the right dog at the right time can be the most amazing stress reliever. There is nothing nicer than getting home from work to a dogs welcome, sitting in a chair with your dog asking to get up on your lap and just sitting there for a few hours watching the world go by. I go for a walk in the dark every morning with my lads and its the most peaceful time of the day.

The reason i am saying that is because it wasnt always like that. Puppies are hard work, stressful and sometimes annoying. My son was a bit like you with our first dog. He worked through it (He had no choice, a dog is akin to adopting a child in our house) and eventually became relaxed around the dog. We got a second and he has loved every second of it having learnt from the first.

My suggestion is to invest in help. Invest in training. Invest in walkies (Yourself and others) Crikey we recently paid a local service to take our lads for a day each week for a few weeks so that when we needed them to stay away for a weekend they were settled. There are people who will do this for you.

It doesnt sound like its the dogs fault so i reckon he deserves more than handing back. You might just find that the pay back is more than you could ever expect.

A week just isn't long enough.
Was 15 years ago now, the dog is long gone 🙁 but I remember the first few weeks so well! Coming home to dog shit spread around the house, anxious dog, complaints about barking from the neighbours, etc etc and just not understanding what we were doing wrong.
It was the end of the second week we phoned the breeders and asked if they'd take her back.
They said give it a bit longer.
We did. Like 13 years ... 13 years of utter joy with that dog (and some further frustrations, but they were worth it!) Still can't believe she's gone.

On the other hand, the fact that you're that worried and anxious probably puts you ahead of 90% of dog owners anyway because it means you'll do something about it.

As for it being a terrier... yep, hard work. BUT bear in mind that most dogs are just barely trained and badly socialized, small dogs especially. From the get-go owners fall back on them being small dogs that can be pulled around rather than dealt with constructively. And being small, no one pays a blind bit of attention to their body language. You wouldn't walk upto a Rotweiller* that didn't look happy, but crowd around a Dashound and pick it up, thus any small breed has a tendency towards becoming a problem.

*you'd hope, but we briefly rescued an Akita/Rotty cross that didn't get on with people or dogs. Would people leave him alone? Nope, because he was a very handsome chap and then eventually you get shouted at for being a bad owner. We managed 10 days before I had to come home from work to rescue my girfriend in tears because she'd been cornered by other dog walkers at the bottom of the field.

Teddy:

It doesnt sound like its the dogs fault so i reckon he deserves more than handing back.

If it's the usual puppy antics that are stressing the OP out then I'd agree, but that was far from clear to me in the original post. My assumption was that there is more to it than mess, noise, chewed up stuff. Perhaps the OP can explain what is causing the anxiety (apologies if I missed that), otherwise I'd agree with this

Could just be the wrong dog at the wrong time for you

The pups best life might not be with the OP, which is why I'm saying return it - not because the pup has done anything wrong (nor has the OP).

@IdleJohn Your point is valid, but my mutt (rescue not a fancy puppy or anything) manages to surprise me from from time to time. See pretty much every dog owner I've ever met will tell you how much their dog likes to play with balls, to their detriment at times, a friends 6 year old Collie has arthritis in her hips now as she just won't stop.

But my dog, stole a ball from another dog in the park, evaded capture despite I and several other owners trying to catch her, she chewed the ball into a couple of pieces and swallowed the lot. I have recently met another dog owner who has suffered this and theirs to a greater extent as they couldn't just drag it out with a scope like ours, theirs was cut out. So even after having been around dogs plenty, looked after them for weeks at a time, they can still surprise you.

Not to distract from the OPs post, it is important to go into dog ownership informed, but there is very little preparation like actually owning one!

Sounds like you need help from professionals regarding mental health.
As others have said, children will be worse and you can't take them back/sell them.

Should not be feeling this way and it's not the dog as you know it's temporary.

right now it's mostly work with the puppy. You can't take him out. In a few weeks you will and then you'll get the fun reward and something to look forward to with your OH.

We went from a mature dog to a puppy lab who is now 8 months old so it was a bit of a shock how much work he is but he's getting better everyday. I dont remember all the work but he's responding really well so it's worth being patient.

Not to distract from the OPs post, it is important to go into dog ownership informed, but there is very little preparation like actually owning one!

Agreed!

The first golden retriever we owned ate a pair of tights when nobody was looking. The tights made their way through his system, and gradually got pooed out. Filled with poo. Every time the dog had a poo it just filled the tights up a bit more. Tights stretch an awful lot.. 🙁

Dog's are hard work as pups, you need to go in prepared. My sister was in tears when they got their lab as it was eating everything, then 'poo gate' happened when it had a bad tum. Dog and sister fine now.

PS don't have kids OP - much worse than dogs.

If it's just the new routine thing then give yourself chance.

I went in fully committed when we had our cocker, granted it's only been 7 months but it turns out things haven't changed as massively as I'd anticipated...sure the first few weeks were hard work but truth is you soon adapt and I can't imagine not having her around the place.

I just wish we'd been able to take one on sooner, all those wasted years...

Thank you all. I honestly think my anxieties are extending from the fact that it is such a massive change in lifestyle that I thought I could cope with. We should have done more research into dog ownership for sure and we both freely admit that things come to us very easily usually, so we have walked into this ignorant to how hard it would be and I'm ashamed to say that.

I've often noted that changes in routine unsettle me and I feel at my most comfortable when I have more time to prepare for things, rather than spontaneously being able to cope with sudden change. Obviously, this is a huge change and I feel awful for both my wife, the dog and our families that I am struggling with it so much. I want more than anything than be able to give our gorgeous puppy the time he needs to develop into the dog we hope he can be, but my head just isn't letting me think clearly with any clarity on what the best thing to do is.

i have to say, whilst I miss my dog, I don't miss being a dog owner.

The first few nights of owning our cockerpoo he kept us awake crying - didn't like the isolation of being kept in the kitchen. Enough that my wife and I took it in turns to go down and re-assure him several times each night. During the day he'd drag all his toys from the kitchen into the lounge. One night he slept through, we thought great until we realised he'd escaped the kitchen and was asleep in the lounge - he's slept in there ever since and not kept us awake.

Puppies do chew stuff, luckily ours hasn't started on the furniture - but does go for post - the best being a newly issued passport

Being able to admit that you're struggling is really the first and most important step.

Ask yourself what your ideal end scenario is - do you want to be a dog owner, with a companion who offers you possibly the purest, most unconditional love there is, and for whom you are their entire world? If so, then get professional help, both for you mentally and with turning the pup into that companion, and accept that it'll take a while before things settle down and you may just have to work hard to get through it.

My experience of owning dogs (I came to it unwillingly in my 30s having been afraid of dogs my whole life) is that it has been utterly worth every second of it.

My experience of owning dogs (I came to it unwillingly in my 30s having been afraid of dogs my whole life) is that it has been utterly worth every second of it.

Just for the OP's benefit as he's clearly in a bad place and it may not be helping to see so many people waxing lyrical about their hounds - my experience is that it's not utterly worth every second.

I love my doggo, but I wouldn't have agreed to get him if I knew how things would pan out.

Don't let guilt persuade you to act against your better judgement OP - do what's best for the pupper now.

It's all as others say, but you're going to have a lot more issues with the puppy over the coming weeks and months, best advice was early, speak to the breeder to see if it can be rehomed, and ask for updates, honestly in the current market it won't take long to find another home.

We keep thinking about a dog, our little girl would love one, but it's a hell of a commitment, a long training process, the chance of illness and/or injury, adapting into the house and neighbourhood with other dogs and people, not being able to do certain things as the dog will require looking after, and so on, yes there are people who can leave a dog alone for a weekend with some food, or ignore them and leave them in a room, but i'm not really like that, it would make me anxious like you to feel that i'd be doing the dog a disservice by not giving it all the attention it needs.

I've had dogs all my life and I've taken a rescue dog back after the missus didn't gel with him and he was too needy. Sometimes it's just not the right dog or the right time.

Puppy blues are a very real thing and I've cried over a burrito before because a puppy kept me awake for 3 nights.

Also, unlike what I've read here, everyone I know tells me that kids are easier than dogs. I don't want kids, so they could just be saying that to try and persuade me because apparently, that's the only important thing in life...

Agree completely with everyone that says it's worth persevering as the rewards are so huge, but we are all different. I'm still unclear on what it is exactly that's making you anxious OP, if it really is the change in lifestyle and the realisation that you are essentially tied down for the next 10-14 years then return the pup for it's own good. If it's the lack of sleep, mess, chewing, then maybe stick it out for a bit.

For balance, I love my two spaniels and couldn't imagine life without them. They're not quite as important to me as my kids, but they're not far off. However, the youngest spaniel is 3 years old now and can still be a massive pain in the arse - excitable, needy, attention seeking, chews when bored, humps when excited, steals shoes/socks/pants/anything that gets dropped or left within reaching distance just to get some attention. The other spaniel is 8 years old and is much calmer these days.

I feel the same as jam-bo although possibly for different reasons: "i have to say, whilst I miss my dog, I don’t miss being a dog owner."
It's not the walking in the rain, the picking up sh*t, the restrictions on your life... it's other people's actions that make it, or can make it, so hard.
Food-related rubbish everywhere, super busy roads, 'professional' dog walkers walking 10 dogs at a time, and clueless, entitled, inconsiderate dog owners with their pita dogs who have not had an ounce of training and are too busy talking on their mobile phones to notice what their dog is doing in any case.
Then there is the fear of them getting ill and knowing that while the vet might want to do the best for your dog, the industrialisation of veterinary practices, and the fact that they often have targets to meet, might mean that's not always the case.
Having said all that, I'm typing one handed here, the other one being employed as a belly tickling/back scratching device.
There's lots and lots of upsides of having a dog but I still think she might be my last.
Can only wish you good luck and hope you make the best decision for you all.
As others have said, it is really early days but your dog will likely be a really easy re-home too.

If you have this much stress around a pup...

Never ever have kids.

Seriously. (This is not a flippant comment)

If you want a dog that won’t change your lifestyle much get a giant. Sounds wrong but I’ve had the pleasure of living with a number of dogs over the years and the giant breeds are easiest to live with. They eat a bit more, not as much as you’d think though and spend 99.9% of the time asleep. The other 0.1% being taken up by ambling about. Very chilled and affectionate too (Newfoundland/Bernese cross and a Mastiff that I’ve had).

Don’t get a puppy though as they’re basically full sized dogs and teething results in everything you own looking like it’s been involved in a werewolf party.

^^^^^^
A retired greyhound, or better still a couple, might work too. Although they tend to need a quick zoom rather than an amble.
Borrow my Doggy, where you literally borrow someone's dog for an afternoon or whatever, could work for you too.

My wife struggled when we first got a puppy as though she'd had dogs all her life they'd always been older rescues. It's stressful looking after something that depends entirely on you but after even a few weeks it gets easier as the dog and you settle into a routine. Training can be fun and everything will start to come together, then the puppy will reach adolescence and you'll have to do it all again.

Not all these bad things are bad things.
My lad shat on the garden path as a toddler, my lurcher got to it before anyone else could and it was scooped.
My brother saw it and had to go home Ill and stayed away for ages.
Upsides in everything eh?

^^^^^^
Lol! I had an 'emergency' in the woods some months ago. There was nothing else for it but pants down and let it out. Doggo (also a lurcher) gobbled it up. Saved a plastic bag. Sorry! Grim I know.

Late terrier ate the contents of a nappy once. It must have got stuck in her teeth and on her fur. We had to drive home with the windows open and it was freezing!

Ha! Reading all this, I realise I must have lucked out when I got my dog.

He was a rescue dog of in-determinate age (probably at least 18 months old when I got him) but whoever raised him had done a really really good job and he settled in really quickly and has been great since.

The one negative is that he's somewhat nervous around other dogs which means I've never tried to put him in doggy day care (though he is taken out on group walks).

I got him about a year before COVID hit, and took him on holiday that year (camping) but I've not taken a foreign holiday since (mostly COVID related of course) but in terms in impact on my life, I still haven't figured out what to do with him when I (eventually) go abroad. I may have to pay someone a good chunk of money to dog-sit him at home. But other than that, the adaptation I've gone thru has been pretty minimal (apart from the additional cost of dog-walking, insurance and food).

I didn't work from home pre-Covid but now do so, so it makes life pretty easy with the dog. Not sure I'd want to do it again with a brand new pup though...

You have a new puppy, but it doesn't sound like either of you have taken any time off work for him? Would you not take any time off if you had a child? sorry to sound glib, but the two are comparable.

Dogs can be the most wonderful experience, but they are a huge lifestyle choice. However, ALL puppies are hard work. Some breeds are worse than others - terriers are right *up there*.

The first few weeks ARE hard, especially if you've never had a dog/puppy before. It does get better, but you are going to be living with a terror 50% of the time. after tehy're a year old it generally gets easier.

Are you ready for walking in all weathers for at least an hour, every day?

Training him when he doesn't want to be trained?

cleaning up after the next 'dirty protest'?

We have a 20 week old Working Cocker Spaniel at the moment, but he's not our first, and we love him but, Damn, puppies try your nerve. Puppies don't 'come easy' to anyone, you're going to have to work hard for this to work.

Good luck.

To the OP (I commented earlier in the thread about contacting the breeder). I'm assuming you researched the breed before buying your pup, but some observations as an owner who has been around Cairns a lot that you might want to consider:

Digging. I've yet to meet a Cairn who didn't dig. This means the possibility of your garden being a mess. It also means a high possibility of the dog being an escape artist.

Prey drive. Even with good recall, I don't trust mine 100% of the time. I'll let them off in the local park etc, but if we are hillwalking where there is a good chance of prey, they are on the lead.

Stuborness/selective hearing. It's a notorious Cairn trait. Sometimes it can be funny and other times absolutely infuriating.

Being vocal. Anecdotally, I think boys tend to bark more but you'll be made aware of the postman, birds in the garden etc. The only thing that sets off my bitch is the sight of a cat but she goes mental.

Coat care. They need hand stripped twice a year (finding someone local who can do it well isn't easy) and they need regularly raked to remove excess undercoat otherwise you'll find piles of it gathering around the house. If you choose to clip the coat, you'll end up with "damp dog smell" as the coat won't shed water.

Fox poo rolls. Not Cairn specific but both of mine do it at any given opportunity.

Activity levels. They may be small dogs, but mine need a lot of exercise or they get bored. Admittedly, that's because mine have always been exercised lots.

Life expectancy. A healthy Cairn can live for a long time (mid to late teens isn't uncommon). That's a big commitment when your circumstances may change (possibility of kids etc.).

All the above being said, I love the breed and will have more Cairns in future. They love my kids and absolutely fit my lifestyle but they are by no means perfect. An uber chilled lapdog they are not. My current two are 6 and still have the same energy levels as they did when 1. They don't slow down quickly.

I'll probably know of your dogs breeder and all the good breeders have big waiting lists so your pup will get a home if that's your choice.
If you do decide to keep the pup, you are in for a challenging time for sure but in my opinion Cairns are worth the work that you need to start putting in now (as with any dog).

Good luck either way.

I had to go back and read your original post to see if you even slightly indicated a desire for a child down the line, which you didn’t despite multiple people chipping in to tell you not to have any. Shocker people, there are folk out there who neither want nor desire children. There are even people out there who can’t have children.

Just wanted to clear that up!

2 pages in and no pics ? Shameful 🤪.

Here’s Ollie the cockapoo, he's 14 months and can be a handful, but now a key member of the family !

[url= https://i.postimg.cc/W13ZkNHH/3-AEDE17-D-2052-4205-B1-B2-6355-DBAB2329.jp g" target="_blank">https://i.postimg.cc/W13ZkNHH/3-AEDE17-D-2052-4205-B1-B2-6355-DBAB2329.jp g"/> [/img][/url]

I had to go back and read your original post to see if you even slightly indicated a desire for a child down the line, which you didn’t despite multiple people chipping in to tell you not to have any. Shocker people, there are folk out there who neither want nor desire children. There are even people out there who can’t have children.

Just wanted to clear that up!

Fair point.

If it was in response to my post, I was trying to make the point that people would be shocked if someone didn't take mat/pat leave after having a child/adopting, but people often don't for dogs which are a *similar kind* of commitment. We both took 2 weeks off work (the most we could) when our pup arrived.

FWIW, my wife and I have a dog, and will never have children.

5 months old and this is about as motionless as he gets...

[url= https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51762686539_b991001465_k.jp g" target="_blank">https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51762686539_b991001465_k.jp g"/> [/img][/url][url= https://flic.kr/p/2mS6ijK ]Staystillldammit[/url] by [url= https://www.flickr.com/photos/193671077@N06/ ]Simian[/url], on Flickr

@ThePilot, agree, particularly a third hand middle-aged retired greyhound who's already used to home life and who's been returned due to divorce, death, or the owner going into a care home.

A good rehoming org will know which dogs will do well with nervous novice owners and find you one of the "2 steps up from furniture" hounds, aka too dim and torpid to be much trouble!

TBH OP that's just a general remark, probably not quite what you're looking for at this time. I sympathize, a couple of times in my own life I've made a fairly normal decision that lots of people make, and found myself waking at 5am in a cold sweat every morning! It's important to work out *why* these emotions have come along, but once you're sure you understand that, don't be afraid to do a U-turn I'd that's what's best.

Admirable honesty @chakaping 👏🏻

It would be only too easy in these circumstances to come over all judgmental - 'you should have thought of this before' type stuff.

But the reality is you really don't know until you have a child/a dog/a whatever just how life changing they are.

So, firstly, well done you for facing up to this one. It won't be right for you or pup if you decide to stick with it when your heart really isn't in it.

Secondly, give it a few more weeks and see what develops. Might get better or worse, but the loss of freedom that you have enjoyed isn't suddenly going to resolve itself, so be brutally honest. Don't give it too long however. The early weeks and months are crucial for bonding and setting the tone for years to come, so don't deprive yourself of that if you see it through, and commit fully. Similarly, don't deprive a potential new owner of that same start if you decide otherwise.

Thirdly, if you decide to part ways, despite how terrible you might feel, you absolutely must return him to the breeder for rehoming. Other than the minority of ruthless b**tards who are only in it for the money, most breeders really care about their animals and would rather vet and find a new home than have you do it. They will have a waiting list of people wanting just that breed rather than you sending him to somebody else, despite your best of intentions.

I love our dog. I love everything about having him a part of the family, despite being eyes wide open about the drawbacks. My wife is not so keen and whilst it isn't divisive, Toby is certainly 'my dog', so I can associate with people who do feel deprived of their freedom not necessarily loving every aspect of dog parenting. It really doesn't make you a bad person.

The early months are difficult and it does get better and more relaxed, just how you probably imagined it. Despite loving our dog and our son, I wouldn't willingly turn back the clock to the early days of either of them arriving!

Good luck with your decision, and whatever you decide, know that it will be for the best if you are honest and unhindered by guilt or other people's views or judgment in your decision.

We got our terrier (a wheaten) when he was 4 months old, I love the dog but the random violence meted out on small furry things (@futureboy, the "prey drive" lol) has been somewhat stressful. I can't let him off the lead if I think there are other dogs about. Also he hates going in the car so driving to some remote area to give him a proper run is a bit of a chore. We're keeping him but when he finally crosses the rainbow bridge I won't be rushing to get another dog!

@solarider
I'd like to think you are right about breeders but I struggle to agree. There seems to be a fair number of unsold pups - some with health problems - on rescue sites. Not to mention the ex breeders who have ceased to be useful.
A dog walker I know recently bought a terrier. I asked her how much she cost just out of interest. "Oh, she'll pay for herself in a few years time with a couple of litters," she said.
I know there are decent breeders and depending on the OP's decision, back to breeder is best in most circumstances, but I just think it's important that we are all a bit more honest about the realities of dog breeding.

@ThePilot, sadly you might be right. I know in our case the breeder was not in it for the money and maybe that has clouded my naivety!

In our case, the contract with the breeder stated that we should return Toby to him if the situation ever arose and he would refund upon finding a new home. He was most definitely at the more genuine and well intentioned end of the spectrum but that was also part of our search criteria when we got Toby in the first place. We visited a few other breeders at the other end of the spectrum and respectfully withdrew from the process.

The walks can be fun...

https://flic.kr/p/2kZt5xp

@Futureboy77

Fox poo rolls! Tell me about in. My poodle was shampooed and cut yesterday. Did the poo roll today. I got her off it in under a minute but too late. Stinking and needed a shower when we got home. She goes totally deaf when rubbing her shoulders in it.

We are 2.5 weeks in with a mini-schnauzer puppy. she's now about 12 weeks old.

It's tough, partic for mrs epic who is taking most responsibility for care. Puppy is demanding, and quite nippy for ankles and fingers.

We have spoken with the breeder who has given us tips for what to do - distraction, puppy toys, treat toys, rewards etc to keep her interested.

She was allowed out at the weekend after jabs, and she is sleeping much better with the exercise.

You also have to realise they are small animals adapting to a new environment, potentially unsure of themsleves. They aren't purposely winding you up, they want to interact with you. And the puppy will work out how to interact with you and your other half, adapting to how you are with him

Once you're through this bit it gets much better. Our 7 year old schnauzer is an absolute poppet and has become an integral part of the family.

there was a useful article in the Graun over the weekend about puppy/dog training, might be worth a read
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/dec/19/we-dont-have-to-command-them-its-a-relationship-meet-britains-top-dog-whisperer

They are indeed a lot of work but the joy they bring me is unmatched by anything else. Currently got my 7 month old boy snoozing next to me

I'm sticking to 4 cats and tagnuts reading this stuff. And all my 4 are house cats with an 'outdoor run'.

@thepilot

It’s not the walking in the rain, the picking up sh*t, the restrictions on your life… it’s other people’s actions that make it, or can make it, so hard.
Food-related rubbish everywhere, super busy roads, ‘professional’ dog walkers walking 10 dogs at a time, and clueless, entitled, inconsiderate dog owners with their pita dogs who have not had an ounce of training and are too busy talking on their mobile phones to notice what their dog is doing in any case.
Then there is the fear of them getting ill and knowing that while the vet might want to do the best for your dog, the industrialisation of veterinary practices, and the fact that they often have targets to meet, might mean that’s not always the case

That's word for word my experience of dog ownership. The constant stream of McD's / Costa / Monster /Red bull rubbish, drug dealers operating with impunity, Saturday night personal safety if there are pubs in your area - fag butts being flicked at your dog. 'Bike Lifers' riding 'crossers over the playing grounds, Surron's ragging silently past. Fly tipping, popping and banging boy racers.

you don't normally notice the scum of society but when you are out in your local area 2 or 3 times a day it's a constant negative.

For Berts evening walk I drive to my old village or walk over the Moors, I accept environmentally it's not good but it's better for my mental health.

Our dog is a substitute for the children mother nature didn't allow us - he gets the love they would have had.

I'd get another dog but I'll have moved house/emigrated by then.

"That’s word for word my experience of dog ownership. The constant stream of McD’s / Costa / Monster /Red bull rubbish, drug dealers operating with impunity, Saturday night personal safety if there are pubs in your area – fag butts being flicked at your dog. ‘Bike Lifers’ riding ‘crossers over the playing grounds, Surron’s ragging silently past. Fly tipping, popping and banging boy racers."

I'll add to that list - idiots throwing chicken bones from their KFC for the dog to eat before I could intervene. This after a £3500 operation because the dog ate a bone and it splintered in its stomach.

Just before lock down, some friends of mine rescued a Jack Russel. He was used to dogs having grown up on a farm in Aus, she was predominately a cat person, but used to animals nevertheless. The JR was, to put in bluntly, a basket case. It was about 5, had come from a v bad environment and was more or less untrainable,  behaviorally destructive, a nightmare around other dogs and children, and had separation issues that caused it to have uncontrollable shits. they tried with this dog for months and months while it slowly but surely drove them to insanity.

They made the worst (but in the circumstance probably better) decision, and have rebuilt their lives. Sometimes having a dog is a mistake, do the thing, and move on, it's not a character flaw

2 pages in and no pics ?

Read the room mate.