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Have gone biking with a couple of new local blokes my own age. Good times, nice loops, pub stop at end. But....it's been a long time since I grew a friendship since my late 20's. Still got all the old mates from back then, but could use some more.
Back in the day, it'd just be an automatic suggestion of a beer bender and you'd stick with who was decent and still around. I like a pub but don't drink as much now. Inviting people back to the house sounds a bit off. Suggestions for non-bike stuff you'd feel pretty easy going along with, anyone?
(....Waits for avalanche of innuendos...)
Out for a curry?
Beer after a bike ride is a good way to sus out if they are folk you want as friends
what’s your family situation? i made new friends in my late 40’s with people who had kids a similar age. 3, 4 years old. i invited them over (not all at the same time) so the children would amuse themselves and we’d deepen our friendship by drinking beer in the garage looking at bikes.
I've got the same problem. Everyone did the getting old and drifting away thing then I moved across the country so my existing mates are a few hours away.
Ever since I moved I've had a full time job, bought a house, had a global pandemic and a first baby. Socialising has been bottom of the list for a long while now but I'm itching to play on bikes and don't have a crew to call on.
Few warm up drinks and a curry usually works. You can then use their choice of food and willingness to share as a barometer for future friendship.
Also made a lot of very good friends in my late 30s into my 40s via the kids primary school (all roadies though).
Cheers folks. Not tried the curry thing yet, obvious now you say it, blokeuproad and razorr. Quite a low pressure event all in all, sounds good.
LAT: We're similar-sized families with younger kids.
Suggestions for non-bike stuff you’d feel pretty easy going along with, anyone?
Seriously...?
Christ... ANYTHING!
I've made more friends through my 30's and early 40's than I did in my teens and 20's, and I knew a lot of people back then too!
OK, so we're not talking "would take a bullet for you" friends, but friends I could have a pint with certainly, or go on a bike ride with, or whatever...
The clue is having a broad range of interests and hobbies. Getting back into motorbikes 6yrs ago, and throwing myself in at the deep end with new social circles opened me up to hundreds of new people on a regular basis. Most of them I had very little in common with, but you always meet a few you do. Same again when I then joined the local Advanced riding group.
Find a new hobby if you're struggling to make friends. Not to replace cycling necessarily, but as well as... Find facebook groups of like minded people, preferably locally. Or alternatively if you don't like facebook (understandable), there's an app/website called "meetup" that exists solely to allow people with likeminded interests to share those interests...
Team sports are always a good one too... Though they can be very time consuming, and often the beer culture takes over too, something that always put me off getting more involved playing either cricket or rugby in my past.
Go to local gigs, plays, crafts etc. Saying that I moved to a new town as houses were cheaper and go back to see my posse as much as I can a they come up here.
Bizarre isn't it. I started singing again once I'd retired and through being a member of one choir got invited to sing with another and before I knew it realised I had quite a bromance going with the guy who asked me along. Through my friendship with him I'm now singing with a professional group as well, but more importantly his wife and my wife get along like a house on fire.
We have things in common like a love of good food and drink, and they're the sort of couple who you can really have a good conversation with whilst getting absolutely hammered on decent beers wines and spirits. In contrast to some of the posts above, the majority of the friends and couples we spent time with previously were parents of the kids' friends or work colleagues and all that has now faded. I am genuinely surprised to find a soulmate in my late 50s.
Sounds like you have enough in common to just hang out over a beer or coffee.
Quite envious as over years have struggled to keep in touch with mates and those I do don’t have an interest in bikes.
I’d love to have a couple of local mates to go for a ride with and grab a beer after.
At 34 I moved 90 miles from "home" for a great career opportunity. Also dragged my wife and sons with me. Everyone I met and got to know were either staff or customers, so that was a bit tough I suppose. My wife blended better than I did because her work environment involved colleagues. I may as well have moved to the moon as far as mates were concerned, we just drifted apart. Mine work environment was different to my wife's; I was "the boss", (****, even though I wasn't most of the time), supplier, (someone to twist at when stuff went wrong) or customer, who everyone wanted to love in a mercenary way. In desperation I started sea fishing again, met a couple of lads on the beach one night, joined their club and ended up chairman with about 60 members and had so much fun and made a whole new set of mates, probably for life. Just get out there, you never know who you'll meet.
For me it's usually activity based, so if not biking then hill climbing or, well, it would be anything really. I'm quite open to anything like that.
For smaller occasions it's coffee. If people are going to be good mates then that's all the excuse you need. Beer would work too, it can be a couple of pints in the afternoon rather than a bender.
Great minds and all that 😃
My local ride group has a breakaway/sub group of ‘rad parents’ who get together for family rides. Seems like a good way to have a bit of extra support on a ride and get to chat a bit.
Friends???
Who has time for that?!!?
I made a couple of friends in my 40s. Both women a bit younger than me, both colleagues. Swam round a lake every Wednesday night and then had a could of beers. Went to one of their weddings a few weeks back, the other put my wife saved I up for the night as she lived nearer the wedding
I'm 32 and trying to find new mates, moved to a new area to be with my wife 4 years ago or so and a lot of my old friends who I keep in touch with I never really see anymore as a result, we have tried to arrange things but life gets in the way. That being said the shared interests/activities we used to have we don't have anymore as life's gone on.
I find it much easier to re-connect with old friends over shared interests, an old mate of mine is moving near to me soon and got into mtb last year, he rides an eeb and I don't but I'm looking forward to having someone to go for a quick blast out up the woods with.
I do find making mates tricky though and it's gotten harder with each year I get older I've found, even people I bump into up at the trails who I've met a few times before, I think I've just forgotten how to move from the situation of people you recognise and have a chat with to a friend you actively do things or hangout with.
Was much easier in school years when you have classes with people and make friends, and then have no commitments in the evenings so go and do stuff, I feel like a nob when a mate texts me asking to go out on the bikes tonight and I have to say "sorry mate I cant, I'm in the office today so wont be home till 6 then I need to walk the dog and cook tea" and then you both try to re-organise to a time you're both free and it just seems like this is the only chance for at least 3+ weeks so you agree to sort something out and then it never happens
This is a good thread; I keep seeing articles about how people - especially men - find it tough to maintain and find new friendships in their 30s and beyond, and I'm very aware of it myself. We moved countries 2 years ago, and are living in a flat while we wait for our house to be made liveable. I work for myself, so wfh, all our stuff is in storage as we have no space for it (including my bikes); and basically our/ my social circle is entirely people we knew from where we used to live, in Canada.
But I've got a rough plan: once we get into the house we'll have neighbours who actually want to chat, plus there's other parents, and I'm aiming to check out a local football team or similar to join. And my guess is it'll fall fairly naturally from there, with a pint/ coffee/ etc.
But you really do have to think about it a lot more than when we were younger!
It's reassuring to know i'm not the only chap having issues like this. From reading all the posts, which are enlightening (even the gak binge ones), it's connection which is the key. Exec summary of what i've learned from you nice folk so far:
+Family stuff is doable but hard to organise.
+Curry is easy, coffee if earlier in the day.
+Hobbies for the long term win. I have some of these I can dust off.
Otherwise, my partner is way more socialable and bubbly than me which helps with wife-links. Also nicko74, having lived in ON for four years, you north of the border types are a fine sociable lot. I found it easy to meet up over there, the excellent state of your country, food and beer helped. It's very different social rules in the UK due the sheer amount of us, and the weird entrenched class stuff we seem unable to shift. Bikes are good at cutting through this sillyness.
You can use the dating app Bumble to find new "BFFs" of your own gender.
I'm happy to use it to meet women, but obviously I'd rather shit barbed wire than use it to meet friends.
We are lucky to have a hobby that enables us to meet like-minded people, eh?
I'm 40. No signs of making any proper mates since my late teens. I also struggle with the difference in people from England and back home in NI. Nobody seems to appreciate my humour around here 😉
Making friends is really really difficult the older you get. For me, anyway. And I'm not talking about biking 'mates', people who you can go riding with and have the odd beer post ride. Beyond that, proper friendship where you support each other, talk about lots of things and have a genuine fondness of are few and far between. Probably still why my closest mate(s) is a mate of almost 30 years now.
I’ve lived in my current village for 25 years, all of it with my girlfriend who later became my wife, and we were happy with each other’s company to not bother going out & making new friends other than the immediate neighbours and my band mates
she died in November last year
i’m now slowly making new friends in the village at the age of 58, never thought I would need to do that but it would be a very lonely time if I didn’t. It’s a killer hill to get into the village centre though!
Glory holes. We don't always see eye to eye though.
sorry mate I cant, I’m in the office today so wont be home till 6 then I need to walk the dog and cook tea”
Sorry to call this out but I reckon this is EXACTLY why blokes find it hard to make friends... Seeing a dog walk and eating dinner (wtf?!) as a valid excuse for not doing something enjoyable. Friendships are about compromise - *exactly* like any other relationship
I'm 50 and struggle to make new friends..
I've made a few good ones at work, but not sure how many i'd realistically keep in touch with long-term if i were to change jobs (which i hope will happen next spring)
I never really fitted in with the other Dads at my kids school so never got invited to their curry nights, etc. I certainly agree its harder as you get older.
Rather than aim to make friends, I look to do things that fill my time when I need to.
Friends, sleep, happiness are all the same. The more we chase them, the harder they become to find. Instead we need to create the conditions that allow them into our lives.
what's a friend ?
johndrummer
Full Member
I’ve lived in my current village for 25 years, all of it with my girlfriend who later became my wife, and we were happy with each other’s company to not bother going out & making new friends other than the immediate neighbours and my band matesshe died in November last year
I'm so sorry.
It's just as hard for women. I've found myself with a bit more time on my hands, but good friends still work full time and weekends are full of family commitments and hobbies.
I've made loads of friends through joining a running club. Like minded people and a regular schedule to meet them means you get to know people reasonably quickly. Then all it takes is a "fancy a beer after the run tonight? or "shall we try and get a curry night together" and off you go.
We moved up to Derbyshire in 2000 with no social contacts apart from a friend of my wife who had moved up here just before us.
Both of us started with casual meet ups with work colleagues, wife got involved with Guiding. Wasn't till kids came along that we kind of agreed we'd each have one night a week or time at a weekend for our own thing - she committed more to Guiding, I plucked up the courage (I'm rubbish with social anxiety) to start riding with a group of guys I'd seen in the village. That group grew, shrank and moved on as the years passed, but left me with a decent group of 10 people I could ride with and have a beer afterwards, and 20 years on we still do, even if it's with different groups.
Wife then made friends with other mums, one of the dads was a lapsed rider I coaxed back out and he's been my cycling partner in crime for maybe 17 years - just moved 20 miles away and I really miss not having him round the corner.
But if he's reading this, he's still an arse!
Mid 40's here and 1 real friend who I only see when he comes to visit family.
Not had any real friend since early 20's, trouble is I don't do anything to meet people.
Find group riding a bit of a chore but looking to at least join a few.
Can't do that at the min though as injured which could be up to a year to get biking fit again, if at all.
I started looking at night classes but blew the budget on that deciding to send son an his nan to art classes so they can have some time together (plus they both like painting/ drawing).
When I moved to edinburgh 30 odd years ago ( I was 30) I knew I needed a good bunch of pals locally and made a real effort. Most met via the pub but that got me an intro into several circles of friends which I worked hard to get a place in. It worked. I now have a great group of friends maybe a dozen close ones and 40 more in my immediate social circle
it takes effort. I knew I would be happier long term if I made the friends so pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do so
Just had a thought, as there is quite a few of us in similiar boats here why don't we get some regional group ride threads on the go? Scotland, North East, North West, Wales, South East etc
I'm in the North East, about 1hr away from Hamsterley and 15 mins from Guisborough forest so would be happy to join a group ride.
We definitely need more STW group rides.
Can we get management to implement a feature where you put your name down and every month or whatever someone organises a ride?
I slowly lost all my mates to marriage and kids and then we dispersed away from where we all met.
I have to say that it really got to me and became a slog to meet people.
Come pandemic and I bought a MTB and answered a FB post for local(ish) newbies for a ride out. Some of my best mates now and we meet up outside, the wives get on well and we chat about a lot more than just bikes.
Hobbies are the way forward.
I'm in this position. Mid forties. I have lots of mates I see for biking but no one on a regular social basis. Me and the Mrs do a lot but doing social stuff with fellow men is really important. My best mate that I do see socially has become more and more difficult to do stuff with. He's borderline reclusive now and won't go to a pub that's further than walking distance from his house and inevitably after 2 pints he wants to go home and sit there and drink🙄
So if anyone's near Glasgow and in a similar position and is into bikes obvs, music (especially playing an instrument), films feel free to give me a shout!
We definitely need more STW group rides.
There are a couple of folk that became pals thru the group rides we used to run in Edinburgh on a Wednesday
My current problem is that quite a few of my mates (late 40s, early 50s) seem quite unhappy, almost to the point of bitterness.
A few more of them drink heavily.
Some are both unhappy and drink heavily.
I quite enjoy life (aged 50), but they can be quite difficult to spend time with.
I put a post up on here a few months ago to try and find some people interested in riding near me (Leamington). To be fair had a few people respond via here and some facebook groups.
I got as far as setting up a Whatsapp group and there were a few attempts by people to arrange a ride but other than me and one other chap meeting up it dwindled out. Nobody's fault (or as much if not more mine than anyone else!), I think it just proved hard to find suitable dates, rides etc. but did show me how making friends as you get older is a bit more challenging and you definitely have to be prepared to put the effort in.
I'd still like to be able to join up with people locally to start riding and then hopefully build up friendships so perhaps I'll give it another bash.
I'm 35 and seemingly going through a cycle of injury-sick kid/dog-work overload-broken bike. If there are any based in Brussels with young kids who fancy a rise&meet, get in touch!
kitchener
Free Member
[snip]
Also nicko74, having lived in ON for four years, you north of the border types are a fine sociable lot. I found it easy to meet up over there, the excellent state of your country, food and beer helped. It’s very different social rules in the UK due the sheer amount of us, and the weird entrenched class stuff we seem unable to shift. Bikes are good at cutting through this sillyness.
Cheers Kitchener - I'm actually a Brit, moved to Canada in 2010, and our best friends from there are mostly other immigrants and the least Canadian Canadians (blunt, good banter etc). But you're absolutely right that Canadians are inherently friendly, and being a newcomer I think does make you think more deliberately about this kind of stuff, otherwise it's worryingly easy to kinda sleepwalk into a routine where you don't see anyone on a regular basis and your social network just withers away.
I think we're fortunate too that there's more recognition of this dynamic, in national newspapers and spaces like this; makes one realise it's not unusual, and there are others in a similar kind of headspace!
42 years young and most of my friends I've made since I was 30. The crowd I was with all the way through school until my mid 30s are now no longer friends as they don't make any effort to keep in touch (I have and been pretty much ignored). Met my current friend groups through MTB's and RC cars mainly. The MTB lot are scattered all over the country but the RC ones are mainly locals. Definitely close to the MTB ones though so quality social contact is not down very often. Amazingly having lived in Cardiff for 15 years o only have one person I'd call a friend who lives within 5 miles of me!
Good job I'm used to my own company 😁
I slowly lost all my mates to marriage and kids and then we dispersed away from where we all met.
I think this is the crux of it.
When you're a kid you're hurled into a melting pot called "school" and even a painfully shy nerd like me occasionally had to talk with someone. A little older and your social calendar explodes as you're having to choose which party you're going to attend tonight.
Then people get partners, jobs, move away, reproduce, and things become abruptly difficult. I've been trying to organise a couple of beers and a curry with three close long-term friends, we've pencilled in a Thursday in the middle of next month as the first time we're all free simultaneously, and it's two weeks short of a year since the "beer and curry" WhatsApp group was created.
As you get older, maintaining friendships takes work, but as the last few months have painfully demonstrated to me it's an effort worth making. Send an email, pick up the phone, organise a celebration because it's Thursday.
Anyway.
What about here?
I had a visit from RustySpanner of this parish yesterday. I don't know him from a hole in the ground, I can count the times we've met on the fingers of one hand. We bonded, randomly, over remote-control cars. But he is a top, top bloke and absolutely fits the bill of "new friends in your 40s."
Where are you geographically? I'd be astonished if there weren't other STWers close by.
Interesting thread. I often find the hanging out In groups with people because you have kids very painful, never much in common, always very middle of the road.
Hobbies always works best for me but it seems many men in their 40’s / 50’s seem to lose hobbies or focus 99.9% on running after wife / kids, losing themself and their fitness before a mid life crisis hits.
Lucky enough to have picked up a few diverse groups over hobbies / work over the years.