[Closed] Neighbour keeps asking me to help over simple things - mental illness?

his TV as the source is not selected to HDMI.

Have you not dialled 999 ? I believe they are the ones to deal with issues like this.

probably just lonely.

Now you've fixed his train you are the Go To Man!

TBH, tellys confuse me, and while I'm still strong enough to chuck it through the window...

Living alone? Might just be looking for company. Any family members you could talk to?

Yeah as above 999

Do you see any family go around? Have a chat to them, but don't come straight with "is he mental" just mention he's asked for a bit of help

It may just be genuine, his regular contacts/family might be on holiday, he might have been feeling a bit lonely and wanted some company, he might be eyeing you up for his sex cellar

To be fair I'm not sure my wife understands the telly either.

My wife can't change the source on the TV, my daughters do it for her they have been since they were 6.

Shall I call NHS direct?

R1 response, new confusion, ?cva. 😆

You've helped him once, become chatty and he feels he now has a friend. The elderly get very lonely and isolated, sometimes they only have their spouse and when they die they have no one.

Thanks everyone, I spoke to NHS direct.

I'll wait for him to call me over again and then check him to see how confused he is / call NHS direct to speak to him.
I've messaged his son on Facebook but no reply.

Makes his food ok but seems to have forgotten how to use his TV?
I'm worried his marbles have gone or he's stressed/lonely.

Damn rain, he'd know I'd be inside and not raining.

I'd be worried if my Father couldn't get the TV working by forgetting to select the source button! But I'm a geek and these things are easy.

I'm on borderline whether I'm overreacting and embarrass him or not do anything and something happens due to my neglect.

Going back to bed for an hour (late night) and I thought it was the postie with my bike parts.

Growing old on your own sucks.

Thanks again will ask him direct if he's ok and ring NHS direct in front of him to for an assessment.

Edit - looks like your edit covers all my post, it's good of you to help, many wouldn't.

No, the TV's are a few years old.

He has 2 Virgin cable boxes and had 6 remotes for TV's/sky/kitchen and lounge.

I had to show him which one is which and how to use them.

He used to be pretty smart and lost his wife to cancer. Now he has a stool sample bottle to use and told me he will not get chemo if he has a positive test from his experience with his wife.

I'll see how he goes as I'll be in the garage tidying up and bike tinkering for tomorrow's ride.

Will Google his other son and ask to ring him.

Have a cup of tea with him, see if you get any worries from that. Don't bo th er with NHS etc til you are sure. He might be trying to make friends!

As above spend some time with him.

It's not a matter for NHS direct.

sometimes all of us just want someone to talk to , set up an account on here and show him how to use a keyboard, he doesnt even have to own a bike , like most on here, and tel him he will get extra points for being ranty, ignorant or just super inteligent, being able to spel also helps.

Copy and paste skills optional.

Don't just assume it's a mental illness, it could be a physical one.

Mental illness? As in you're mad to keep going round?

As cg says there are lots of possible physical causes, brain secondaries, electrolyte imbalance, hypercalcaemia, liver problems, etc. Dementia is a physical rather than mental illness. It sounds more physical than mental to me.
I wouldn't bother with 111 unless he actually seems unwell, but if you know who is GP is you could raise your concerns with them. Difficult situation for you to be in and good on you for spotting it and wanting to make sure he is ok.
The fact that he used to be able to work the telly but no longer can is clearly a sign that there is some cognitive impairment. If you do anything this weekend the most useful thing you can do is have a chat over a cup of tea, mention that he seems to be struggling to do things he used to have no problems with, and if you can suggest he ought to see the Dr about it. You may discover that the GP is already aware and has things in hand, but if not, as he lives alone and there doesn't seem to be much immediate family involvement you could perhaps persuade him to contact the GP. If he can't or won't then ask if he will let you do it for him.

Having experienced 'brain fog' due to a thyroid disorder that meant I was unable to drive, couldn't work the telly, couldn't work the oven or microwave, couldn't speak as I couldn't remember any words etc etc., he should have a TFT, FBC and vitamin D test carried out. Tell his relatives that they need to be pro-active.

I think he has the same GP (surgery) they are closed as I did ring them. Will call them Monday.

I'm hoping it's just stress from worrying about his medical tests for cancer and it cones back negative.
I told him I'm in my garage if he rings the bell with no answer as it needs tidying.

Wake up call - don't stay alone when you're old - get friends.

Stressed me out worrying about him lol.

Thanks for the advice and no it's not a troll.

Makes his food ok but seems to have forgotten how to use his TV?
....

I'd be worried if my Father couldn't get the TV working by forgetting to select the source button! But I'm a geek and these things are easy.

He might never have known how to use it - or that particular function. If the correct source is routinely set and doesn't need to be reset on a regular basis and a miss-pressed button has unset it then it seems reasonable enough for someone to not know the steps to correct that.

I think we've got a big and growing problem with 'intellectual access' these days - consumer products like TVs having ever greater amounts of unnecessary and redundant functionality and two few buttons and too many menus to navigate to use them.

In this situation you're a bit disadvantaged maybe by not knowing the bloke as well as you do now over a longer time frame- he's maybe always this scatty and only gotten to know you well enough recently for that to be revealed to you. If this is a sudden change in mood or ability then that would be a concern but you've not got a point of reference.

Older age can bring 'forgetfulness' that can have a lot of fairly mild causes - depression and loneliness in particular (or worry in this case perhaps) can can result in shorter term memory issues - you're not so much forgetting things as never giving them your full attention in the moment so struggle to recall things later - in the same way problems solving (finding your keys, sorting out the TV) suffers because you struggle to keep the task front and centre in your mind.

That can result in confusion and a struggle to deal with change or deal with things you've not initiated yourself. Being widowed can be a double whammy as you've lost the sounding board and check-sum in your life - very much like your wife and yourself comparing notes on this issue.

My mum has some sort of short term memory / confusion problem thats most apparent when something isn't her initiative - if she decides to do something she goes and does it without any problem - if I plan something for her she can really struggle to grasp whats going on.

Something like dementia shows more as forgetting things you've always known or know how to do. Thats a condition that can progress quite rapidly so from a neighbourly point of view you'd maybe not see early stages until the problem becomes advanced enough to spill out of their home life.

There are lots of different types of and causes for dementia and consequently it can present in many ways.
Agree about intellectual access too. Got my mum a new telly for her 75th this week. After it was delivered had to spend most of the evening helped big her set it up via text message....

I would:

1. Give Age Concern a ring.
2. Make a decision to have a cup of tea with him twice a week.

None of us are that far from loneliness.

Just coming back to this ... relatives can be frightened in this situation, it's a poignant reminder that we're all not getting any younger and it may well happen to us. We see what we want to see.

OP - you're being a brilliant and compassionate neighbour. Well done for wanting to help this poor chap.

He sounds like a nice old chap. Can I swap you my neighbour, who's alienated his whole family by being a total git, used to beat his wife when she was alive, and no longer speaks to me after our last interaction ended with the police having to explain to him why waving an axe at someone isn't an acceptable response to them not cutting the hedge to your liking.

Edit: Apparently the Axe thing was fine because, and I quote: 'It was only a small axe'

Rant/update:

Ok I got called over again (x10) to fix the TV. No axe - I'm watching my back!

Told him I'm worried about him. He asked me why? Told me he always struggled with the TV's/Sky/Virgin etc and then asked me how to switch on his mobile phone...

Sat down had a quick chat. He seems quick to respond but did tell me he is going out shopping and seems coherent and is looking forward to the pensioner meeting Wednesday.

And guess what, I missed the delivery of bike parts from being next door. I'm annoyed at myself.

Is this what happens when you get old?

I think the next generation has had more stress to deal with and will be fine as we get older?

I'm nearly 40, dear God is this what I will be like in 40 years time?! Noooo in a Vadar finds out Padamae is dead.

I'm looking forward to riding.

It's quite possible what you'll be like when you're older. I'm a similar age to you and have been quite shocked at how quickly my grandparents have gone downhill (mid 80s). They used to be very sharp, very mobile, travelled the world etc... They only got rid of their touring caravan last year.

My immediate family all live close by so they get lots of help when they need it, but it is worrying they forget all sorts of things. My mum was on holiday the other week, my sister got 3 calls in the same day asking why she'd not been to collect them for a hospital appointment yet, the appointment was a couple of days later.

They've had tests for Alzheimer's and dementia, but apparently they're fine, according to the docs they just get anxious/stressed easily and as a result forget things.

[Sensible Advice Mode] I've found that elderly people who are normally very sharp can get in a very confused state when they get a urine infection. Always worth asking if it stings when they pee. [/Sensible Advice Mode]

That generation struggled with TVs 40 years ago.

I don't think finding HDMI in your 80s or whatever is a sign of mental illness.

Folks get regular checks on the memory at the doc's and far as I know they're okay, but sure memory is not what it was. But then I worry about myself in my 40s. I frequently forget names of people and things. Though always been rubbish at names.

Ok after having a chat, I think he's just very stressed about the cancer check process from losing his wife.
I told him to get some fresh air, he's off to shop and treat himself to McDonalds.

Then somebody crashed into his car from behind as he gave way at a junction.
He then lost the drivers details.

My doorbell rang.

I helped him report it to his insurance company and the police. Very minor bumper scratch.
He's hoping the other driver pops round later to talk.
I told him to call me if he needs help with dealing with the other driver.

Bloody hell. My advice sucks. You couldn't write a better comedy sketch.

Poor fella. God I hope I can compute and do physics when I'm 90.

Oh crap.

Frankenstein - it's good that he opened up to you and he obviously realises that he's lucky to have such a terrific neighbour. Bad luck about the accident but as long as he's not hurt and it hasn't dented his, probably fragile, confidence. Well done sir.

My father-in-law in his late 80s went from an independent capable man to unable to do up his zip in the course of 3-4 weeks.

Turned out to be Lewy Body Dementia.

What you are describing sounds very much like what happened to him.

Definitely a job for the professionals - although the frustrating thing for us was that in the early stages he could rally and sound ok, so the doctors obviously thought we were exaggerating the symptoms.

Can I just say that you are a fantastic neighbour to have the patience and concern to try and help him.

Not really got anything useful to add but I just felt moved to say bloody well done for being such an amazing neighbor. The world generally would be a much nicer place with more people like you in it.!!

Blimey, I'm 60 and I can't work our TV, it's too damned complicated with this box and two controllers. Why can't it just have one controller?

The reason why I can't work is is because I can't be bothered to learn; I know I can get my son or Mrs Gti to do it so I just sit and drink beer and dream about my next bike ride.

Wake up call - don't stay alone when you're old - get friends.

If only it was that easy.

Well I had the same problem in Bristol.

Joined a few cycle clubs and socialised out of uni. Met some awesome riders/friends.

I've moved to Cambridgeshire 6 years ago, worked 7 days a week 0600-2300/0200. Didn't have time to be lonely but was bored.

Now I've quit my job and now have time to unpack my belongings, sort my house out, ride, join a (bad) band (guitarist) and gain some fitness before joining a club and socialise.

I guess it's difficult if you're ill or not able but you have to get off your rear and join clubs e.g. I gave the neighbour done train club phone numbers as he's too stubborn to learn how to use a computer/web.

I do feel sorry for the guy next door. I hope his son's visit him and I've encouraged him to organise days out for the other pensioners.

Japanese proverb: Don't live too far from family where you cannot drop off a hot bowl of soup.

Hence now we have fast food delivery and credit cards - I've ordered a pizza for friend who was lost their wallet in Sydney a few years ago.

Get busy living.

Now I'm getting annoyed 2230 and help to record a TV channel?

I'm behind with my own work and will have to say no next time.

Frankenstein - Member
have time to unpack my belongings, sort my house out, ride, join a (bad) band (guitarist) and gain some fitness before joining a club and socialise.

Thanks colournoise 🙂 will have to give you shout soon (I'm based in P'boro).

Right I've finished my work and now can chill.

If he rings at 0700 I'm using the pillows as ear muffs and buying an off switch for the doorbell/or just say I'm coming once a week only for one hour max.

I wouldn't worry too much about the not being able to work his tv or TV recorder. Pretty sure there's a stat that if you encounter a technology before you're 40 then you'll be able to use that technology for the rest of your life. Anything that comes along after 40 will be increasingly baffling or confusing and we'll struggle with it more as we get older. Bear in mind that when he was 40 tvs only had 1 input (the aerial), there were only 3 channels which didn't broadcast 24hours per day, no remote controls and no TV recorders.

I'm 37 and find my smartphone baffling. To me it's got 5 useful icons and 20 decorative pictures. At school it was the kids who showed the teachers how to use the VHS player.

Sure your neighbour is elderly, sounds like he's had a tough time recently and is understandably a bit stressed and anxious which will impair his cognitive ability. This in combination with loneliness means he's looking for a friendly face. Just do what you're doing and maybe try and find some other neighbours who could share the burden.

My brother has a similar issue with an elderly lady opposite him. She is a spinster aged around 90. He moved in about 5 years ago and introduced himself. She's now fairly dependant on him and gets a tap on the door or call quite frequently. Its usually tech related stuff plus shes nearly deaf too. She has relatives but they never appear. Why that's the case we don't know...but what can you do?

When people need help, you assist, but there are times he says he is busy and she has to learn to wait. There are moments when she takes advantage. She's a nice old soul but I feel its getting to the point she needs to provide herself with care as my brother simply doesn't have the time or resource to provide the demand. He says what if that was me? and that's the mindset you have to see it or you would never help anyone. It is the right way. He has a young family of his own too.

[b]Frankenstein[/b] - fair play chap. He's very fortunate to have you there.

Update:

0800 Sunday doorbell rings/bangs on lounge window. I sleep and lazily ignore it (sorry but honest).

1100 geared and dressed for a ride. Yeah bring it on.

1105 Doorbell.

1130 I con my way into finding out the other son is 20 miles away and I ring him. He tells me to call Sky/Virgin. No not that type of confusion! He's sitting next me. I can't say your Dad is nuts sitting next to me. Just get here now.

I also found out his meds were increased. I'm familiar with them from uni studies. They can cause confusion.

His son arrives and will call a doctor in the week. We all acknowledge there are times of confusion for the elderly guy.

I relax. Result! Poor guy hopefully it's not dementia.

1700 Missus hangs up on me.
She's not impressed as craves my attention and my doorbell just went off again. She goes berserk and refuses to take my call. Doghouse.

1715 I say this is the last time today until I drive him to the Docs tomorrow. I write down TV's instructions.

1730 off for a ride finally.

I'm frustrated with myself and will gladly pay for coke and hookers right now.

It's my fault. I'm buying a hammer to destroy my doorbell.

Thank god I left teaching as I wouldn't have the time to assist but now I'm behind with business plan and my lady/sex life and my Parents are miffed I'm visiting late.

Only I can fix this...

[img] [/img]

Blimey, poor you. Does the son realise the extent of his father's health? Why are you driving him to the GP, you can not take the place of his son and the son needs to man up. Sorry, haven't a clue what to suggest except that you may just have to ignore the door bell and the phone. Your sanity becomes important too.

My boss's phone used to ring every day with an old guy asking for Caroline. He simply refused to accept it was a wrong number and got irate every time. It only stopped when we moved office!

To be honest his son was annoyed as he had to come out from a family outing.

I told him I've been called out 8 times a day since Thursday.

I guess I would have taken my Dad to A&E if I lived close by.

I asked the son to ring the Doctors (at least) to make an appointment tomorrow but as he's at work, I volunteered to take him and get his med reduced to his normal amount as I can't be out 6-8 times and lose that many hours.

It's when the old man says "please help me with watery eyes" I'm a sucker to help.

I think his son knows he's no real danger yet and just confused then it's ok.

I'm worried when I move abroad I can't help my own parents.

Just got home and mate took me out for a ride thank god and my door bell has been rang 15 times according to my alarm system...

I will get him sorted out with the Docs and then apologise to my lady.
I'd still help but he's lucky I don't work away anymore.

Awaiting pizza...

Sounds like a shit son.

Maybe, I was expecting him to stay or take him home or to the Docs at A&E.

I'm hoping the GP can sort him out.

Makes you wonder about older people cope.

Look after your health people.

I would like to buy you a beer frankenstein but I think you too far away. Total respect dude for giving a shit about your neighbour and caring. This world needs more of you. Nice one.

I think you should ring the son again and tell him either to move in with his father or take him in with his family.

If I said that epicyclo, they would say mind your own business - you know what's it's like!

Thanks doncorleoni but most would help out I think.

Fingers crossed he has an appointment, it is just the 'meds talking' and not dementia.

Off to bed and hopefully get a ride in the evening.

This neighbour, know anything about gold does he?

1700 Missus hangs up on me.
She's not impressed as craves my attention and my doorbell just went off again. She goes berserk and refuses to take my call. Doghouse.

My spidey sense is tingling, time for another break up?

Hope not but she's whinging he just wants attention.

She hates it if she thinks I'm wasting time and didn't know about his meds.

And not a troll post.

Good neighbourly work Frankenstein.

She is a spinster aged around 90. He moved in about 5 years ago and introduced himself.

😯

Fair play Op. Karma will return your kindness & patience.
I live next door to 80 year old lady and help out when requested - the amount of times you have been asked is a bit extreme though.
It does sound like he needs help - Gp's is the right place. From my experiences with my Grandad ,he started getting the fear of mortality and never wanted to be alone... it's rubbish.

I don't believe in Karma. I try to do the right thing not for what I get in return, karma sounds nice though!

The GP tested him, clean bill of health, alertness and response to questions better than my past students lol. WTH?

Took him for a blood test too.

I wasn't impressed how he barged queues though!

Son didn't get back to me either. Don't think he cares unless it's life threatening but everyone is busy with work these days.

GP thinks it's either blood loss or just simple ageing. Doesn't want to get social services just yet and asked me to keep an eye on him?!

Dropped him off after losing my morning but hey it's helps someone out and drove to another city's hospital to visit my Mother who has a rare cancer in her bone marrow and was great to see her and my Dad, tried to cheer them up.

Enough is enough and I've done what I can but can't waste more time - I have a life to live and an empire to build, plus my other half told me off and told me to get back to the living world. She's right though.

Will have to say no next time if only keep my own insanity and get his son to pull his finger out and look after him.

Mate agreed with my mussus and thinks the old guy is fleecing me for attention and is mentally fine but lonely.

Hmmm. Thanks for the advice. Thread closed.

Well it's been over 24hrs and no doorbell ringing.

And I owe it to Lewis Hamilton.

After a conversation about F1 and how he hated L.H. I stuck up for L.H. as his family know my cousin and I bought the family ice cream way before famous days.

There was literally silence and I left with door slammed in my face.

So there you go. Without being mean, find done one they hate, tell them you love it and bingo you will be left alone. Saw him talking to the couple across the road who looked me for help as I drove off in victory!

Phew!

Frankenstein - Member
...The GP tested him, clean bill of health, alertness and response to questions better than my past students lol. WTH?...

The same happened with my F-in-L when he was first assessed. Somehow he managed to pull it all together at the assessment and put on his professional face. He was even able to do complex mental arithmetic.

But it was very temporary. It was like he ratcheted downwards. Plateau for a few weeks then wake up one morning with another capability gone, and repeat etc.

The frustration made him a wee bit aggressive and fearful.

His son needs to pull his finger out and take responsibility. Get the neighbours to ring him, maybe he'll get the message when he hears it from yet another party.

I'll keep a distant eye on him and get the other neighbours to do what you said.

I'm just relieved/selfish?

I've worked solidly with clients, tidied my office and house, tinkered with my bike and feel relaxed for now for being productive.

Result!

[img] [/img]

Frankenstein - Member
...I'm just relieved/selfish?...

You're entitled to be both in this case.

Anything further you do should be only to facilitate his family caring for him.

Like the L.H. picture. Sorry about the grammar errors.

I hope his family will take care of him but his son would have taken him in that day, while his other son is in another country.

Spoke to my other neighbours, swapped experiences and numbers to keep an eye on him.

We've all agreed that he's had bouts of confusion (when I was out visiting my Mother in hospital) he was knocking on people's doors for help with the oven... Dementia.

That sort of ageing sucks. For someone to go from smart to confused shows us how fragile we really are and that there is very little care systems in place to look after everyone but close family.