[Closed] Navel gazing thread - not quite a break up

Find someone worthy of your attentions, there are literally billions to choose from.

^ Not that helpful 🙂

I really do feel like I've been dumped which is **** ridiculous

It's not though really is it, you've just let your stupid, stupid, stupid brain delay things.

Everybody treats us as a couple even though we weren't and I fell into some sort of comfort zone.

You already know the situation, nothing that really can be added to that.

You'll get though it - if it was [i]really[/i] meant to be then you would have fought tooth 'n' nail for it. It wasn't, although it is bound to screw you up a bit knowing she's with someone else now. (he's probably got a tiny winkie)

Be a good bloke, punch some pillows 🙂 and drink some malt. However, just be a decent chap throughout, she'll probably feel as weird about it as you. Don't pretend you're completely 'cool' with it, but that also means you may have to excuse yourself from certain engagements for a while. She will totally get that.

One of those 'life's a bitch' moments; you'll get through it fella.

I would go out for the meal and consider it a "last meal" before you sever the tie. Keep it to yourself and remember the good times you've had, use it as a farewell to that friendship.

Severing ties will be healthiest for all parties in that situation, in the long run. It'll take willpower and guts to make that harsh decision and stick to it though, good luck OP.

& don't shag her!

Think that ship's sailed 🙂

She's your mate right op?
Be happy for her then.
You can find someone and still be her friend.

Everybody treats us as a couple even though we weren't and I fell into some sort of comfort zone.

Last night she told me that she's met another guy. I feel totally lost. My initial gut feelings are to make a clean break but she's adamant that she still wants me in her life. I, OTOH, cannot see her new guy feeling comfortable with me being around, I certainly don't feel comfortable knowing of his existence.

Difficult to make a 'clean break' when you weren't actually a couple to break up from. Might be best to get some space for a bit, but as you've been friends for such a long time, then it does seem that it's a friendship that deserves to be kept going, if at all possible.
Of course, despite her claiming she still wants you in her life as an ongoing friend, her new fella might have contrary ideas on that front, and not be at all comfortable with you around; a situation I know only too well.
I've stayed on very good terms with most of my exes, however one had a succession of boyfriends who really had issues with her having any other male friends, which made things very awkward, to the extent that I completely lost touch with her for some years, and I've only met up with her a couple of times in the last five years.
Shame, she's a really wonderful lady, and I miss her very much.
C'est la vie.

Yeh, go - see how you feel after you've given it a fair shot and then decide where your relationship stands

I mean, nothing's actually changed has it; you weren't going out with her and you're still not. Sorry and all 🙁

She's a friend and as her friend you should be happy for her, as happy as you'd be if the friend was a bloke. Or would you be in bits if this were a bloke?

bearnecessities - Member

It's not though really is it, you've just let your stupid, stupid, stupid brain delay things.

You already know the situation, nothing that really can be added to that.

You'll get though it - if it was really meant to be then you would have fought tooth 'n' nail for it. It wasn't, although it is bound to screw you up a bit knowing she's with someone else now. (he's probably got a tiny winkie)

Be a good bloke, punch some pillows and drink some malt. However, just be a decent chap throughout, she'll probably feel as weird about it as you. Don't pretend you're completely 'cool' with it, but that also means you may have to excuse yourself from certain engagements for a while. She will totally get that.

One of those 'life's a bitch' moments; you'll get through it fella.

Yep, it's the knowing there's someone else and all the negative thoughts the go with that.

Thank you for the other good advice too, I've opened a bottle of Jura so hopefully that will help settle me tonight. 🙂

robdob - Member

I would go out for the meal and consider it a "last meal" before you sever the tie. Keep it to yourself and remember the good times you've had, use it as a farewell to that friendship.

The kicker - it's my birthday meal. 🙁

jekkyl - Member

& don't shag her!

Haven't done that in a while so there's no danger there. Hell, we were pished last night when she told me and still shared a bed without anything happening (Christmas party/hotel so not quite usual course of events).

iolo - Member

She's your mate right op?
Be happy for her then.
You can find someone and still be her friend.

I am happy for her and she does deserve to be happy. I just kinda liked being the guy on the top pedestal.

CountZero - Member

Difficult to make a 'clean break' when you weren't actually a couple to break up from. Might be best to get some space for a bit, [b]but as you've been friends for such a long time, then it does seem that it's a friendship that deserves to be kept going, if at all possible.[/b]

Depending on my mood, I tend to agree. I'm the one who she confides in, calls when she needs an ear - at least I used to be. I've lost count of the number of times that I've picked her up and put her back together again.

scaredypants - Member

Yeh, go - see how you feel after you've given it a fair shot and then decide where your relationship stands

I mean, nothing's actually changed has it; you weren't going out with her and you're still not. Sorry and all

Yep, you're right, nothing has actually changed. I guess I'm worried that it will.

captainsasquatch - Member

She's a friend and as her friend you should be happy for her, as happy as you'd be if the friend was a bloke. Or would you be in bits if this were a bloke?

She's a friend I'm in love with. If I felt this way about a male friend then yes, I'd be in bits.

A psychologist might make something out of this but she was my first (and only) relationship since my divorce. Getting back on that horse is, quite frankly, terrifying.

Is there any way I can use this to justify buying a new bike?

Is there any way I can use this to justify buying a new bike?

duh! Obviously! 😆

Is there any way I can use this to justify buying a new bike?

Man-god forgive me, but no! Window shop until you're blind, then draw the £ out in cash and lay it on the table in front of you. See how you feel then!

I speak from experience. 🙂

Is there any way I can use this to justify buying a new bike?

Oh-my-****ing-god yes!

I might buy one too, that's gonna help even more, right?

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

Bearnecessities has it right be a friend to her be nice to her new man. Don't go to every social do she invites you to. She is a wonderful woman but you're a good guy and other wonderful women are out there. I know I found one and I am old fat and skint

You're not going to meet those wonderful women when you spend loads of time with your 'almost' girlfriend though. This, painfully, could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Read about polyamory and explain it to her

Tough mate......

I do t mean to be harsh but hey ho faceless Internet and all..

I think you need to buy a new bike......tomorrow.....and you need some space too! It's hard having that level of connection with someone even if it's not a full blown relationship. Have a good night out, then give yourself and her space.....

I'm serious about the bike you know!! 🙂

[quote=v8ninety ]You're not going to meet those wonderful women when you spend loads of time with your 'almost' girlfriend though. This, painfully, could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Spot on - how do you know you haven't already met somebody who is mad on you, but is put off by "knowing" that you're already part of a couple?

Hell, we were pished last night when she told me and still shared a bed without anything happening

Dude, this is all pretty odd, isn't it?

For your own sanity, I'd say you needed to treat it as if you were being actually dumped from an actual relationship.

I'd tell her that you were surprised by how strongly you feel about her meeting someone else, that you're sorry it's taken her meeting someone else for you to realise how strongly you feel, and that you are going to have to take a break. Also, that if this fellow isn't everything that she hopes that you would be open to dating her again, but you're not able to be "just friends" at the moment.

Then don't see her or speak to her for at least 6 months.

Also, get ill between now and your birthday meal. There's no fun to be had there - just have a stomach bug for a bit.

Sorry, this sucks for you, but I;d say you need to take it fairly seriously as a moment in your life.

Oh, and yes to the new bike if that helps. 🙂

I reckon a 3some is probably attainable

I'm truly sorry that you're sad, but have you considered introducing her to the concept of "indoor boyfriend/Outdoor boyfriend"?
Christmas do? - coke and hookers , obvs.
+1 on a new bike 😀

Dude, this is all pretty odd, isn't it?

For your own sanity, I'd say you needed to treat it as if you were being actually dumped from an actual relationship.

I'd tell her that you were surprised by how strongly you feel about her meeting someone else, that you're sorry it's taken her meeting someone else for you to realise how strongly you feel, and that you are going to have to take a break. Also, that if this fellow isn't everything that she hopes that you would be open to dating her again, but you're not able to be "just friends" at the moment.

Then don't see her or speak to her for at least 6 months.

Also, get ill between now and your birthday meal. There's no fun to be had there - just have a stomach bug for a bit.

this is the answer i agree with most.
i find it strange that even tho shes got a new bloke, shes willing to share a bed with you, and part of me wonders whether she enjoys the attention and having you pining after her but not being able to touch.

if youre the one she goes to when things are tough, i think that a clean break will maybe make her evaluate just how important you are/were.
if youre truly in love with her, and want her to want you back again, i think theres nowt more attractive than someone who's taken this news on the chin, shrugged, told her calmly and rationally how you feel and this is why youre making a clean break (and stick to it), then just got on with your life quite happily (to the outside world) and shown how strong and care-free you are now.

if that doesnt make her think again, then im afraid it wasnt meant to be, but staying around for her will just **** you up and prevent you getting on with your life.
theres loooooads of women out there, and as soon as you meet another youll just think "what was i so torn up about??"

good luck mate

Folks, running late for the office so will reply more fully in a bit but for now I'd just like to say thanks for messages of support, they are very much appreciated. 🙂