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Now then, to give this story some context, last year was the celebration for being forty years married so we had various holidays planned. We had a very successful time staying in Castleton in January for two weeks which was close enough to home so our daughters could join us when shifts and work allowed, all good so far. We went away in March in the motorhome and I also managed a camping trip (in the snow). The highlight of spring though was going to be a cruise, not the type that might immediately come to mind but a canal cruise. My wife had always wanted to go on a narrowboat but her only experience so far had been the Santa special on the Chesterfield Canal - I had witnessed various Narrowboat calamities over the years walking and cycling on towpaths including boats jammed across junctions and couples arguing so I was reluctant especially with it being me operating the locks. I came up with a plan, I found that The Lancaster Canal didn’t have any locks and was also reasonably close to good transport links so that the children could join us in between shifts. I booked the biggest boat, six birth, for two weeks. That was the only bit that went smoothly. We arrived in good time on collection day, the training was comprehensive but majored too much on things like how the microwave worked and various other minutia including going off on some considerable tangents. After a good couple of hours we were then in the position to go for a test drive with our instructor, he manoeuvred us out of the marina and after a short period the tiller was handed to me. He was obviously satisfied because we turned round (he did that bit) then we headed back up to the marina where we were expecting to practice parking procedures. That did not happen and he guided us past the marina and towards our first narrow bridge where he promptly jumped off and shouted “see you in two weeks”! By this time we were very hungry after setting off early that morning so decided to stop after a couple of miles and followed the advice that we could berth anywhere on the towpath side where there was the metal piling. The first problem, stopping - we realised we’d not been shown that. I have some very limited experience of boats so steered as close to the bank as possible, very slowly, my wife took over the tiller and I jumped off with the centre painter in hand (get me) to pull the boat into the side. I found out that eighteen tonnes of boat will not let you pull it around and I was dragged along the bank in some sort of bizarre, one sided tug-of-war.. Eventually we got moored up and had some food and then came the next problem - we were stuck fast and no amount of revving the very powerful engine would free us. I got the long pole off the roof and started pushing against the bank and after a huge amount of effort the boat started moving and at the same time the end of the pole slipped, how I stopped myself from falling in I’ll never know but my shoulder is injured still almost a year later. Off we went and gradually we relaxed but there was the fear of mooring up clouding our enjoyment. I’d spotted on the map a pub so aimed for a quiet spot near there and after another hour or so and lots of straining and grunting we were moored for the night. The pub was now a private house and all the locals sounded their horns on approach to the nearby humpback bridge, not a relaxing night. We managed to set off ok and headed for Garstang where after the usual comedy drag along the bank we moored up again. A nice town but the next morning we had no electricity, the fridge was warm, lights not working so we made the call and eventually the owner came with his box of tools and diagnosed a slipping belt (I had told him that it’d been screaming like a banshee), he was clearly no mechanic and although the Chinese made engine was a thing of beauty, the twin alternator drive belt system was not. With it fixed we decided to stop an extra night, the fear of parking looming large in our minds. The next morning I watched a huge boat moor behind ours and noticed how very slowly he came in and also the use of bow thrusters, we had bow thrusters, mentioned by the owners wife but dismissed as not necessary - I investigated their operation for future use. We next travelled to Hest Bank, right next to Morecambe Bay, I used the bow thrusters and dead slow technique - game changer but still had a bit of a drag. We went for a pint in a micro pub right on the level crossing, it shook considerably with the regular high speed trains but great fun. Next morning no electricity again, eventually a proper mechanic came out and after a few hours we were sorted but decided to stay another night. You might think that these tribulations wouldn’t have affected the relaxing, slow journey through the countryside, they didn’t, there wasn’t any relaxing! The 57 foot long boat had a mind of it’s own, any lack of concentration on the steering and it took considerable effort to get back on course, the canal was very winding and as discovered before not deep enough in places, add to this the effect of wind, yes wind, on the 18 tonne boat and it was a muscle straining, eye bulging experience. After leaving Hest Bank we had been warned of a swing bridge, not the lift up type but the pivot type but had been assured that as it only served one house it would be open. Wrong, shut and chained! We moored up and I got off and sussed it out. I swung it open and waved my wife through. To my horror it started swinging shut again, my wife looked aghast and I waved her on, with 18 tonnes on the move there was only going to be one winner and with an almighty bang she was through. We were going to stop in Lancaster but the easy berths were full, however we did manage to get stuck next to a busy towpath where some students helped us by sitting on the bank and pushing with their feet. We promptly got stuck again, we were in the middle of the canal ffs! I then had to use the pole again which inevitably got stuck in the mud while the boat moved off, another comedy moment at my expense. Our children wisely decided not to join us with various excuses for which we were very grateful and I was certainly regretting the two week booking but we carried on getting ever closer to something that I was dreading even more than the nightly parking up. Turning round! Now the mechanic who had come out the second time had given me some advice, “if you go into the winding hole stern first then the wind will catch you and you’ll be stuck” heeding this advice I rammed in bow first and used plenty of throttle to swing the stern over before reversing out. Textbook according to a watching boat restorer, I treasure that moment as my highlight of the trip. We had a terrible Sunday dinner at the smart hotel then powered down to Carnforth where we wanted to have a look at the station, made famous in “Brief Encounter”. We got moored up and walked to the station, what a scruffy mess and even the famous clock was missing. We did have another comedy moment where I was enquiring in a charity shop about a brass hare in the window and the assistant thought I wanted to buy the wigs off the mannequin! I visited a very old pub I’d read about that night (I was still drinking then), lovely and quaint until I went in where the inside had been ripped out, the floor replaced with laminate and ceiling downlighters everywhere. When we came to leave the next morning (the town not the pub) we were stuck fast. How does that happen? It took a huge amount of effort to get us free again so we decided to go full steam ahead and head for Hest Bank and the pub, on the way we got stuck in Lancaster again, the throttle needed to keep steerage and the light bow caused by the fresh water tank volume reduction combining to get us stuck in the bushes. A good night in Hest Bank then full power to Garstang where I’d spotted a fantastic pie shop on the way up. Textbook parking (my textbook not The Competent Boaters Handbook). Next day the pie shop was shut (not uncommon apparently) the canalside pub had lost its chef for the day and I got pecked on my arm by a swan whilst eating my cheese and pickle sandwich on the deck.
To sum up - not in the least relaxing, I was looking forward to pottering along enjoying the views and stopping where we fancied. The reality was that the concentration required on a very twisty, tree strewn canal that wasn’t deep enough in lots of places meant it was quite stressful and the uncertainty of whether we could stop constantly played on our minds. We took the boat back a day early and if you’re wondering…. We are still married!
As above, however:
My wife looked aghast and I waved her on, with 18 tonnes on the move there was only going to be one winner and with an almighty bang she was through
I'd consider a reword.
Look, I’ve done it so you don’t have to, you could at least read it and save yourselves greater pain!
Thank you ChatGPT
Last year, we celebrated 40 years of marriage with several holidays, including a two-week stay in Castleton and a motorhome trip in March. The highlight was supposed to be a canal cruise on a narrowboat, which my wife had always wanted to try. I found a boat on the Lancaster Canal, which had no locks, and booked the largest one for two weeks. The training was lengthy but not helpful, and after a brief test drive, the instructor jumped off, leaving us to figure things out on our own.
We struggled from the start—mooring was a challenge, and after getting stuck, I injured my shoulder trying to free the boat. The journey was anything but relaxing; there were constant issues with electricity, mechanical problems, and a lot of muscle-straining navigation through a winding, shallow canal. At one point, I had to swing open a bridge myself, and we got stuck in Lancaster, where students helped us push the boat.
Our children wisely opted out of joining us, and by the end, I was regretting the two-week booking. The most satisfying moment was successfully turning the boat around at a winding hole. We ended the trip early, exhausted and frustrated, but we’re still married!
Tough crowd tonight ? OP, sounds like the (lack of) training was the downfall - best watch some YouTube videos in preparation for next time! Congrats on 40 (41?) years married.
I had always facied a self drive boating holiday one day. Perhaps not"
Look, I’ve done it so you don’t have to, you could at least read it and save yourselves greater pain!
Not a chance! I’m not reading a solid wall of text posted up by someone who clearly doesn’t understand the concept of the return key and paragraphs.
It’s not difficult to understand, unless you’ve never read an actual book. [img] 
[/img]
That’s the trouble with you young ‘uns, limited attention span and limited desire to learn stuff…
I’m 70, I worked in print and publishing for 30 years, I learned about paragraphs at school, and taught myself to read before I went to school. How about you learn something that doesn’t piss everyone else off.
Iz diasapoint - I was waiting for the whip cracking bit.
Kayak sounds more fun.
That’s the trouble with you young ‘uns, limited attention span and limited desire to learn stuff…
I'm 56, my little remaining time is precious 🙂
Blimey, some folk are a bit touchy!
OP - The Crossing micro pub at Hest Bank is an interesting place. I’ve tucked a few pints away in there and wild camped by the monument on the hillside a little further down. The frequency of the trains was a bit reminiscent of that scene in the Blues Brothers though!
Well I enjoyed it anyway.
Been on a couple with friends. Won't be going on anymore. Substandard accommodation, especially if sharing. My wife and I shared the 'living area' as a bedroom with another couple, luckily there was a modesty curtain between us, unluckily though it only came down to waist height, you might be able to see naked genitals but had to work out which of the straight couple they belonged to.
Chug chugging slowly along, the view not really changing - one canal bank looks much like another.
I wasn't allowed to take a bike to escape either, not very sociable and no space to store it.
And ridiculously expensive. Why people spend life savings on them to have a millstone around their neck is beyond me.
Try it though, you might like it!
Is a great thing to do and relaxing. Watch you tube then if stil confused ask people you are renting from to show you. Would do again
And enjoys thread
I thought the lack of paragraphs was a quirky literary wheeze to make the story flow in a nonstop fashion, but then after a few flowagraohs it did just get too tiring.
Out of interest OP, what was the reason for not hitting the Return key?
@CountZero did you go straight to rude, grumpy old man?
It
was
an
attempt
at
a
light
hearted
thread
to
put
a
smile
on
some faces!
To paraphrase... Wherever your relationship is going, you'll get there faster in a narrowboat.
And as anyone on the cut will tell you, it's a full contact sport.
I did a 10 day trip without any previous experience and loved it.
I very enjoyed the story in the op as well
Oh eh OP, tough holiday and tough crowd...
It could have been worse.
One of the more unusual jobs I've been paid to do was return a 'loaned out for a friend's honeymoon' narrow boat from Llangollen to the other side of Wigan. Apparently the newlyweds had a similar experience to yours, plus some other matrimonial strife, and so had both walked out on the boat and each other after a week of honeymoon.
They didn't however inform the owner, who got a call from Llangollen canal person to say why is your boat dumped on a random mooring for a week...
And the boat was booked for the next week for a commercial rental...I had three very long days to get the boat back again solo. Proper dawn till dusk stuff. Thankfully as a Powerboat Instructor I had half an idea of what to do, even though I was warned for speeding a couple of times...
OP, your post raised a chuckle, thanks. We've been on a few narrow boat holidays and have thoroughly enjoyed them, but I recognised some of the issues in your post! Trust me though, the relaxing, great countryside and fantastic canalside pubs are all there. Your hire company is clearly the main issue for not providing decent instruction. Give it another go, with a few hours of proper instruction and maybe a better route (locks are ace). I've deliberately left paragraph breaks out in solidarity. Jeez there are some rude, unpleasant people on here. No need. Congratulations on your 40th anniversary, our 38th this year. I shall look at a holiday on the cut in 2 years time!
Yeah, pretty good imo. Did one after uni exams - more of a 3 day pub crawl without walking. Also a stag do. Ideal and fairly cheap accommodation for 24 of us (I think) in 2 boats. Boat pub crawl into town, big night out and then boat pub crawl back the following day.
Sorry you didn’t enjoy it. I have been on a few when I as younger and always loved them, yes there were some of the things you described but we just cracked on. However, there was always a bunch of us so it was easy to have someone up front directing or 2 doing locks or pushing you off if stuck etc. I don’t think I would have enjoyed being the only 2 people on a big old 6 berth doing all the work.
I hear tunnels are particularly formative.
I learned about paragraphs at school, and taught myself to read before I went to school.
Impressive. Didn't fancy the politeness, modesty or social skills modules after completing the child prodigy one? 😉
Did one a few years ago on the Mersey Trent. Kids where 15 and 10. Instruction was about an hour which didn't seem much but was sufficient, felt a bit nervousat first but you soon get the hang of it, by the end of the week I reckonedmyselfquite the expert boat handler LOL. 15 year old became the designated lock operative which he loved. I'd happily do another one, it gives you an entirely different perspective of the countryside.
Did a 4 nighter as a long Stag Weekend on the Rochdale Canal starting at Sowerby Bridge. Was great fun! We were a dab hand at the locks after the first couple.
I often cycle along the Leeds Liverpool Canal towpath and rarely see anyone on a narrowboat holiday who actually appears to be enjoying it.
I remember the Tardibigge flight being particularly impressive... if you like locks. If you embrace the slow pace and wandering through industrial heritage, then you will enjoy it. The only downside I remember was a small engine fire in a tunnel, but we put it out and fixed it after a while and cracked on.
Operated our large weed harvester and small weed boats in summer and use to sometimes work off our large work boat in winter when we had it. Some days were fun others boring but I was paid to do it. I’d be buggered if I’d ever pay to go on a boating holiday.
I really enjoyed that. Always been tempted to do something similar but my wife isnt a confident swimmer and feels unsafe on boats. This has put the nail in the coffin on this dream. I dont think our marriage would survive.
Thanks for the review.
We went on a few boating holidays when i was a kid in the 80s - not narrowboats (dad is 6 foot 7) but those cruiser type things. Me and my brother absolutely loved it, especially doing the lock gates and camping in random places.
Loch Ness on a windy day was pretty intimidating, mind!
Lived on a narrowboat for 5 years, so fully conversant with all the difficulties of boat life, and then some. There's a reason hire boaters have a reputation among boat owners, and hire operators really don't give enough guidance. Lots of men see-sawing on the throttle to strong arm an 18 ton boat...add in lots of drinking and it gets worse. It has serious consequences too, as it's actually fairly easy to sink a boat in a lock if you hang up on the sill, and if you don't leave a lock gate as instructed (paddle closed or open), it can empty a section of canal (pound).
Did you mention the high cost..or having to empty the toilet?
Simple answer (although I don't know if it actually answers the OPs question as I could not bear to read that.
Narrow boat holidays are fun until it comes to parking the bloody things.
I did copy and paste the story into ChatGPT, asking it to make a six panel comic strip, but it said I had to make an account before it would draw pictures, so here it isn't:
Did a stag weekend once, two boats, hire from Brewood, much fun, little drama, would do again.
I can't help myself...
Now then, to give this story some context, last year was the celebration for being forty years married so we had various holidays planned. We had a very successful time staying in Castleton in January for two weeks which was close enough to home so our daughters could join us when shifts and work allowed, all good so far. We went away in March in the motorhome and I also managed a camping trip (in the snow). The highlight of spring though was going to be a cruise, not the type that might immediately come to mind but a canal cruise.
My wife had always wanted to go on a narrowboat but her only experience so far had been the Santa special on the Chesterfield Canal – I had witnessed various Narrowboat calamities over the years walking and cycling on towpaths including boats jammed across junctions and couples arguing so I was reluctant especially with it being me operating the locks. I came up with a plan, I found that The Lancaster Canal didn’t have any locks and was also reasonably close to good transport links so that the children could join us in between shifts. I booked the biggest boat, six birth [sic], for two weeks. That was the only bit that went smoothly.
We arrived in good time on collection day, the training was comprehensive but majored too much on things like how the microwave worked and various other minutia including going off on some considerable tangents. After a good couple of hours we were then in the position to go for a test drive with our instructor, he manoeuvred us out of the marina and after a short period the tiller was handed to me. He was obviously satisfied because we turned round (he did that bit) then we headed back up to the marina where we were expecting to practice parking procedures. That did not happen and he guided us past the marina and towards our first narrow bridge where he promptly jumped off and shouted “see you in two weeks”! By this time we were very hungry after setting off early that morning so decided to stop after a couple of miles and followed the advice that we could berth anywhere on the towpath side where there was the metal piling.
The first problem, stopping – we realised we’d not been shown that. I have some very limited experience of boats so steered as close to the bank as possible, very slowly, my wife took over the tiller and I jumped off with the centre painter in hand (get me) to pull the boat into the side. I found out that eighteen tonnes of boat will not let you pull it around and I was dragged along the bank in some sort of bizarre, one sided tug-of-war.. Eventually we got moored up and had some food and then came the next problem – we were stuck fast and no amount of revving the very powerful engine would free us. I got the long pole off the roof and started pushing against the bank and after a huge amount of effort the boat started moving and at the same time the end of the pole slipped, how I stopped myself from falling in I’ll never know but my shoulder is injured still almost a year later. Off we went and gradually we relaxed but there was the fear of mooring up clouding our enjoyment.
I’d spotted on the map a pub so aimed for a quiet spot near there and after another hour or so and lots of straining and grunting we were moored for the night. The pub was now a private house and all the locals sounded their horns on approach to the nearby humpback bridge, not a relaxing night. We managed to set off ok and headed for Garstang where after the usual comedy drag along the bank we moored up again. A nice town but the next morning we had no electricity, the fridge was warm, lights not working so we made the call and eventually the owner came with his box of tools and diagnosed a slipping belt (I had told him that it’d been screaming like a banshee), he was clearly no mechanic and although the Chinese made engine was a thing of beauty, the twin alternator drive belt system was not. With it fixed we decided to stop an extra night, the fear of parking looming large in our minds. The next morning I watched a huge boat moor behind ours and noticed how very slowly he came in and also the use of bow thrusters, we had bow thrusters, mentioned by the owners wife but dismissed as not necessary – I investigated their operation for future use.
We next travelled to Hest Bank, right next to Morecambe Bay, I used the bow thrusters and dead slow technique – game changer but still had a bit of a drag. We went for a pint in a micro pub right on the level crossing, it shook considerably with the regular high speed trains but great fun. Next morning no electricity again, eventually a proper mechanic came out and after a few hours we were sorted but decided to stay another night. You might think that these tribulations wouldn’t have affected the relaxing, slow journey through the countryside, they didn’t, there wasn’t any relaxing! The 57 foot long boat had a mind of it’s own, any lack of concentration on the steering and it took considerable effort to get back on course, the canal was very winding and as discovered before not deep enough in places, add to this the effect of wind, yes wind, on the 18 tonne boat and it was a muscle straining, eye bulging experience.
After leaving Hest Bank we had been warned of a swing bridge, not the lift up type but the pivot type but had been assured that as it only served one house it would be open. Wrong, shut and chained! We moored up and I got off and sussed it out. I swung it open and waved my wife through. To my horror it started swinging shut again, my wife looked aghast and I waved her on, with 18 tonnes on the move there was only going to be one winner and with an almighty bang she was through. We were going to stop in Lancaster but the easy berths were full, however we did manage to get stuck next to a busy towpath where some students helped us by sitting on the bank and pushing with their feet. We promptly got stuck again, we were in the middle of the canal ffs! I then had to use the pole again which inevitably got stuck in the mud while the boat moved off, another comedy moment at my expense.
Our children wisely decided not to join us with various excuses for which we were very grateful and I was certainly regretting the two week booking but we carried on getting ever closer to something that I was dreading even more than the nightly parking up. Turning round! Now the mechanic who had come out the second time had given me some advice, “if you go into the winding hole stern first then the wind will catch you and you’ll be stuck” heeding this advice I rammed in bow first and used plenty of throttle to swing the stern over before reversing out. Textbook according to a watching boat restorer, I treasure that moment as my highlight of the trip. We had a terrible Sunday dinner at the smart hotel then powered down to Carnforth where we wanted to have a look at the station, made famous in “Brief Encounter”.
We got moored up and walked to the station, what a scruffy mess and even the famous clock was missing. We did have another comedy moment where I was enquiring in a charity shop about a brass hare in the window and the assistant thought I wanted to buy the wigs off the mannequin! I visited a very old pub I’d read about that night (I was still drinking then), lovely and quaint until I went in where the inside had been ripped out, the floor replaced with laminate and ceiling downlighters everywhere. When we came to leave the next morning (the town not the pub) we were stuck fast. How does that happen? It took a huge amount of effort to get us free again so we decided to go full steam ahead and head for Hest Bank and the pub, on the way we got stuck in Lancaster again, the throttle needed to keep steerage and the light bow caused by the fresh water tank volume reduction combining to get us stuck in the bushes.
A good night in Hest Bank then full power to Garstang where I’d spotted a fantastic pie shop on the way up. Textbook parking (my textbook not The Competent Boaters Handbook). Next day the pie shop was shut (not uncommon apparently) the canalside pub had lost its chef for the day and I got pecked on my arm by a swan whilst eating my cheese and pickle sandwich on the deck.
To sum up – not in the least relaxing, I was looking forward to pottering along enjoying the views and stopping where we fancied. The reality was that the concentration required on a very twisty, tree strewn canal that wasn’t deep enough in lots of places meant it was quite stressful and the uncertainty of whether we could stop constantly played on our minds. We took the boat back a day early and if you’re wondering…. We are still married!
FTFY
Narrow boat holidays are fun until it comes to parking the bloody things.
Parking is the most fun!
Aaah, @timmys hindsight (and planning) is a wonderful thing. I did look enviously at smaller boats but the idea (if you’d ploughed through the epic non paragraphs you’d have understood) was for another four people to join us. At least on the big boats sewage goes in a tank and you don’t have to do the daily Elsan empty!
I did copy and paste the story into ChatGPT, asking it to make a six panel comic strip, but it said I had to make an account before it would draw pictures
Good idea. I tried it with Gemini:
Canal Calamities: A Comic Strip
Panel 1: Wife, beaming, holds a brochure. Husband looks apprehensive. Caption: "Canal Cruise! It'll be relaxing!"Panel 2: Husband struggles with a giant pole, wife steers wildly. Boat is at a sharp angle against the bank. Caption: "Mooring Practice (Attempt 1)."
Panel 3: Husband, covered in mud, pulls frantically on a rope attached to the boat. Wife looks on in dismay. Caption: "Stuck Fast (Again)."
Panel 4: Husband wrestles with the tiller, sweat dripping. Trees loom on either side of the narrow canal. Caption: "Relaxing Scenery? I'm too busy not crashing!"
Panel 5: Husband, triumphant, raises a fist. Wife claps. Caption: "Turning Around! I'm a boating genius!"
Panel 6: Husband and wife, back on dry land, look exhausted but slightly amused. Caption: "Two Weeks on the Lancaster Canal. We're still married!"
Ok. I expected pictures. Asked it for pictures: can't create images of people without a paid account.
Fine, told it to use anthropomorphic otters instead for the same strip.
Result:
*confused*
The drama in the OP is actually exactly why some people like a canal boat holiday. Compared to sitting on a beach catching skin cancer I’d find it rather relaxing! Undoubtedly better with a decent handover (I am sure we were sent YouTube links to watch before lle went and that was about 10 yrs ago!)
We had the fuel line come off in the Harecastle Tunnel and had to leg it out.
I really enjoyed that opening post
I want to do a narrow boat holiday to see how we do.
I’ve done a week sailing on the Norfolk Broads. That had its challenges. We were ok parking. But you have to the mast down to go under bridges.
Our Flotilla holiday in the Med was great. Lots more space than a canal. But the parking is really tough. Your expected to reverse in dropping the anchor as you go to hold the bow, then to tie the stern to the harbour wall.
My brother in law does the training for a rental company on the Llangollen Canal. I’m sure he does a good job. He lives in a narrow boat
I think they are the best holidays. I've been doing boating holidays since childhood and now with my family.
We all love but like everything, each to their own.
Well I enjoyed the story also!
Did you spot Ratboy on your travels?
We've a few canal boaters in our family. My uncle in law's one is the worst. It's like a cross between a 1950s caravan and a 1950s motorbike workshop. But it floats (mainly) All mucky curtains, dust, bits of engine lying around and greasy rags.
His (sort of) girlfriend's one is really really nice!
Mrs el_boufador's best friend from school had a big wide one (Dutch barge I think it's called?) which was also good. Lived on it in London in the Lee valley, but I think all the extra chores got very old, especially when they had kids, so moved onland.
But either way, yeah, I dont think I want a holiday in one. It does look hard work, cramped, and a bit terrifying at times
Mrs el_boufador's best friend from school had a big wide one
Yeah, a few at our school too.
Great post op. Very much a stream of consciousness and a cut above the norm. I did find it slightly weird at first but once I went with the flow I enjoyed it.
But you have to the mast down to go under bridges.
One steps a mast. Hand back your skipper card.
Well I enjoyed it. Also confirmed my suspicions… thank you 🙂
Thank you for the post. Taking your wife up the canal can be a truly delightful experience, but it’s one that requires a lot of preparation and patience. I had always imagined a peaceful afternoon drifting along the water, the quiet serenity of nature, and perhaps a little conversation. However, the reality of taking your wife up the canal can be a bit more stressful than expected. Between figuring out how to properly navigate the boat, managing the locks, and dealing with the unpredictability of the weather, I quickly learned that a casual cruise isn’t as easy as it seems.
At first, taking your wife up the canal might seem like a simple affair. You just grab a boat, get on the water, and enjoy the journey, right? Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. The boat can be trickier to handle than you anticipate, especially if you’re not accustomed to steering. As I tried to guide our boat along the winding path, I could feel my tension building, realizing that taking your wife up the canal means being in control, or at least trying to give off that impression. You don't want to look like you're struggling while she watches you sweat over every turn and bump against the banks.
Then there are the locks. Oh, the locks. Taking your wife up the canal meant that we would inevitably face these frequent obstacles. The first lock was a disaster – the boat barely fit, and I fumbled with the ropes, trying to keep everything in place while the water rose around us. Taking your wife up the canal also meant dealing with the never-ending task of opening and closing these gates, which I swear multiplied as the day went on. Each lock seemed to throw a wrench into our plans, making the journey much longer and more frustrating than we had imagined. I could tell my wife wasn’t enjoying the delays, and that made everything worse.
Of course, I can’t forget the weather. One moment, taking your wife up the canal feels like a dream on a perfect spring day, and the next, the skies turn gray and the wind picks up. Trying to maintain control of the boat while fighting against strong gusts, I started to question my judgment. It’s hard to enjoy a relaxing cruise when you’re both being tossed about by the elements. I could see the frustration growing in my wife’s face as we struggled to stay on course. Clearly, taking your wife up the canal in stormy weather is not ideal.
When the day finally came to a close, we docked in the harbor, exhausted and ready for some respite. Looking back, though, there were moments of laughter amidst the chaos. Taking your wife up the canal had its stressful moments, but we also shared some great memories – the way the sunlight hit the water as we passed under bridges, the calm after a particularly nerve-wracking lock, and of course, the comfort of knowing we had tackled it together. So, while taking your wife up the canal might have been stressful, it also made for a memorable adventure, one that I’d be happy to try again—though maybe next time, with a little more planning!
@whatgoesup just sprayed my laptop with coffee! Thanks a bunch! 🤣
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Friends of mine own a narrowboat, she’s moored at a marina not too far away from where they live over in Cambridgeshire, and when they’re taking her out they can bring her along to a section of navigable river at the end of their road and just carry stuff backwards and forwards from their house.
The year before last they did a four month tour of the canal network all around Peterborough, Nottingham and almost as far as Manchester. I was following the journey on the Canal & Rivers Trust map, so I could see the lock systems as they were travelling, and keep in touch using the socials. It was great fun seeing the photos they posted as they went along, so I could relate to what the map showed.
I must remember to ask Kim if they’re doing anything this year, they were talking about taking the Grand Union into London, then picking up the Kennet and Avon across to Bristol, which would mean I can meet up with them at various points as they travel through Wiltshire and Somerset - there’s a number of great pubs all the way along from Hungerford through Devizes and on to Bath.
From Bristol, if the weather’s good, they could pick up a pilot to guide them up the Severn to the Sharpness Canal then up to Birmingham, then across to Cambridgeshire where they live near March. Quite an epic trip, but their boat is more than capable.
Despite the high number of posters here xlearly having severe ADHD, unable to concentrate enough to read more that 7 words, I found that well written, entertaining, and insightful.
I look forward to the next installment, when you take a boat out on the Leeds Liverpool to do an end to end (L2L as they might say in the narrow boating fraternity).
Well done for not calling it a barge - they get in a froth about that.
It also confirmed the correctness of our decision to go to Madiera for our 25th anniversary, not Garstang.
Despite the high number of posters here xlearly having severe ADHD, unable to concentrate enough to read more that 7 words, I found that well written, entertaining, and insightful.
I look forward to the next installment, when you take a boat out on the Leeds Liverpool to do an end to end (L2L as they might say in the narrow boating fraternity).
Well done for not calling it a barge - they get in a froth about that.
It also confirmed the correctness of our decision to go to Madiera for our 25th anniversary, not Garstang.
My dad was performing a 3 point turn- reversed into the bank his hand / tiller was thrown and he pushed my mum in 🤣
My dad was performing a 3 point turn- reversed into the bank his hand / tiller was thrown and he pushed my mum in 🤣
- @ctk that was another problem, there wasn’t much room on the stern for one let alone two people and if the tiller needed a big correction (a regular occurrence) it was very easy to almost knock myself off backwards or my wife. With the engine noise it was difficult to converse anyway so we took it in turns, one on the bow and one on the stern.
- @ctk that was another problem, there wasn’t much room on the stern for one let alone two people and if the tiller needed a big correction (a regular occurrence) it was very easy to almost knock myself off backwards or my wife. With the engine noise it was difficult to converse anyway so we took it in turns, one on the bow and one on the stern.
@el_boufador we saw many, many boats like the one you described, the chaos had spread out along the banks, some were extremely run down and some, well, weird!
I hope it wasn’t my lack of paragraphs that’s messed the forum up!
We hired what must have been a 1/2 or 2/3rds length narrowboat a good few years ago. I think we went from Braunston on the Oxford Canal to Foxton Locks and back. We got a decent show over/test drive so learned to stop the boat completely using the engine before stepping off, where to expect shallow areas at the sides, and how to get off the bank/piling without cheesegrating the hull along the sides for 100 metres.
We did Braunston Tunnel which was a mile long, wet, cold and dark, along with some other shorter tunnels, and the staircase locks at Watford and Foxton.
Generally it was a great trip (and the boat wasn't liveried up with anything but the boats name so was a bit more discreet than the hire boats) but I think the prop/rudder was bent as it would turn one way fairly happily, but on bends the other way it would need the tiller pushing hard over, plenty of revs and cross your fingers the bow would come round! And the tiller would shake quite a bit whenever cruising.
We couldn't lock the boat from inside so when we slept overnight we felt we needed to be quite careful picking our spots.
After a few days we found the boat started bogging down on turns, which was a problem seeing as you often need to power up on sharper bends. We stopped the engine on 2 or 3 occasions to properly check the prop through the weed hatch but it wasn't fouled. Finally it just stopped and that meant we had to moor alongside with no reverse, so we just had to let the boat coast for a few hundred metres. In hindsight this was a good thing as we ended up very close to a marina, but typically just after they'd closed! We quickly realised we'd run out of fuel, and for the last day, when we turned, the boat was tilting slightly and pulling air into the fuel line!
After finding the fuel cap was only hand tight, we realised the fuel had been stolen a few evenings ago when we'd moored near some other boats whilst we went to the pub for dinner! And this introduced us to the confusion of diesel fuel split as we were asked when filling up! Percentage you will use for propulsion (full duty) and what will be used for domestic (reduced duty).
As the boat was a bit of a handful to turn I ended up doing most of the driving, and my wife did all the locks. So at times there was a bit of boredom for the time spent steering the boat, plus I ended up with a bad shoulder! Both could be solved by doing shorter distances per day 🙂
@whatgoesup
good work
reads like just a minute script you are Paul Merton and ICMFP
The attraction of boats is that they look easy to operate.
The problem with boats is they also require a lot of skill, hence simple trips by newbies tend to be adventures. It's not fun at the time, but in the telling is in retrospect.
I enjoyed the monoparagraph tale. It captures the Jerome K Jerome "Three Men in a Boat" tyro feel of being in a boat with a mind of its own.
It's ironic that beside this post is a STW advert 
?w=258&h=258&crop=1
Full disclosure in case anyone didn't twig - my random ramblings above were just asking chatgpt to produce a 500 word story for an internet forum about narrow boat holidays, specifically telling it to mention the obvious phrase at least once per paragraph.
Well, I finally found the time to read about your amazing experience, made me chuckle, well written but might have put me off bargelife in the future 🙂
One year on… it’s still very raw and my shoulder is still awaiting further attention from the NHS!
did you go straight to rude, grumpy old man?
No, I went from interested to having a migraine.
It was, genuinely, unreadable.