[Closed] My in-laws.

No, but you must rise above it. It is their inadequacies that leads them to gossip about you.

Like they say where I'm from, people don't throw stones at trees that bear no fruit. So keep your chin up mate.

You can't change them - all you can do is change yourself. Sounds like their comments are managing to lower your self esteem, so perhaps look at ways to reinforce your own 'I'm OK' feeling and you might find that their comments won't affect you in the same way and you'll be able to be more assertive and their attitude might change too.

(Speaking as someone without that situation with inlaws but plenty of experience of feeling bad about myself).

Speak to your wife explaining your concerns. If she does nothing you have issues that need addressing.
Get a meeting set up with the inlaws.
Tell them your feelings. Explain it cannot go on like this.
If there is no change move.
Make them come to visit you, be it the next village or Australia under your terms.
You really don't have to take that kind of crap from nobody.
It will be their loss.

You'll be alive a lot longer than them, get out on your bike more.

I feel your pain. Curiousyellow is right, though. You just have to treat their comments as water off a ducks back. I take great enjoyment from arguing with my MiL, and I suspect she does the same. Crafty old witch! 😈

Violence has its place and every man has a breaking point.
Knock FIL out and give MIL a good kick in the fanjo.

Can you not work with the FIL? The less you see them the better, and taking a proactive approach will make you feel 100% better

kick in the fanjo

?

[img] [/img]

No wonder he looks in pain.

As above, you have to sort this out with your wife first.

Then talk to your in laws in a space that's 'yours'.

And, tbh, working somewhere that they don't is probably a good idea too.

Can you not work with the FIL? The less you see them the better, and taking a proactive approach will make you feel 100% better

We are both self employed. He works in forestry and occasionally I help him on bigger jobs (which I am grateful for) which subsidises my income which in turn cements their point of view that I am inadequate and a failure.

Next time they try to make you feel inadequate, just remember who's daughter you are married to! Remind them, if you want, too. 🙂

We are both self employed. He works in forestry and occasionally I help him on bigger jobs (which I am grateful for) which subsidises my income which in turn cements their point of view that I am inadequate and a failure.

Put your price up. Significantly. See how much he relies on you.

Personally, I wouldn't confront them with this. If they do indeed take pleasure in putting you down, then they are the sort whom won't heed the meaning behind your plea and see weakness.

it does seem odd that there's an implied criticism of their daughter in all this for choosing you. Does it not bother her enough to sort it out?

Kick that into touch, then. No amount of money is worth it and, speaking as a freelancer myself, something ALWAYS turns up. Always!

they are horribly bigoted who have only ever lived in villages and have zero world experience at all but still believe they understand all of the worlds ills better than anyone. I have to listen to ill informed, ignorant POV on everything and anything.

And then you come here afterwards 🙂

Get passive-aggressive back:

"Wow, your hall carpet looks really flammable."
"My wife is in your will, isn't she?"
"This carving knife is really sharp - could skin a cow with this."

Or, whispered quietly when no-one else is in the room:

"I could easily kill you in your sleep."

Personally, I wouldn't confront them with this. If they do indeed take pleasure in putting you down, then they are the sort whom won't heed the meaning behind your plea and see weakness.

agreed, also try not to work for ur FIL

it does seem odd that there's an implied criticism of their daughter in all this for choosing you. Does it not bother her enough to sort it out?

Yes, you are absolutely right and she has tried to confront them about it but they turn it around onto my wife and paint her as being unreasonable, too sensitive and ultimately ignore her pleas, in the end talking down to her like she is a 5 year old.

We once collectively got into an argument and I tried to explain the effect it had on my wife and I but as I'm not great in an argument (often thinking of the things I should have said long past the argument) they once again turned it around making out that that the entire issue was our problem.

They are incredible people motivated only by money, property portfolios and land ownership. Make my skin crawl.

"I could easily [s]kill[/s] [b]gut[/b] you in your sleep." sounds better IMHO.

Are you behaving like the person they are describing?

Announce the fact that you have reached breaking point and are going to start making a few changes and will no longer tolerate being treated like a doormat.

Then start behaving like you think you ought.

Mizre.

We are both self employed. He works in forestry and occasionally I help him on bigger jobs

Change the perception of this. You're doing him a favour by helping out. Just once say you can't do it. Make him rely on you to help him out. do it on your terms.

(which I am grateful for) which subsidises my income which in turn cements their point of view that I am inadequate and a failure.

Again change the perception. You're doing him a favour, he has to pay you for your services. If not you then it would be someone else he has to pay.

Lastly spend as little time with the in laws as possible. If possible move away from them. Sounds harsh but it's for your own good. Just because they are your in laws it doesn't mean you have to like them. Sitting down and talking to them doesn't work. Been there tried that. All it will do is justify their view that you are like they think you are.

Chin up. Live your life, not theirs.

Next time, try imagining them naked. It's hard to take anyone seriously if they're naked.

bencooper - Member
Next time, try imagining them naked. It's hard to take anyone seriously if they're naked.

I didn't take you seriously there.

Edit. Where's my quote buttons gone?

It does sound like you and your wife need to make a concious decision to move away from them both emotionally.

You will find this easier than her.

Ask yourself why what they are saying gets to you? Do you agree with some of what they imply? Is this why them articulating it bothers you because you can't disagree with their summary?

If you feel you are not what they are painting you as then don't engage with them emotionally.

Speaking personally, I'd be disppointed if my in-laws thought badly of me but I'd shrug and move on. I married their daughter, not them, and there's probably other people in the world who'd have just a dim view of me and I'd not give a toss what they thought.

Make it not matter to you might be the easiest solution? 'Yeah, whatever' and move on, next time it happens. Easier said than doen if everyone is in a behaviour pattern, though.

So they're loaded? Sounds like taking the flack and biding your time is the right approach here. Look at it as earning money.

Next time, try imagining them naked. It's hard to take anyone seriously if they're naked.

Not as silly as it sounds.
Could you readjust your attitude towards them? I mean instead of seeing them as nasty horrible bastards, think of them as a comedy act.
Every time they say something hurtful, nasty, spiteful and/or bigotted, think of the absurdity of it and genuinely laugh out loud.
This will help with your mental state AND it will really piss them right off. I mean, imagine trying your bestest to get at someone who just stands and laughs at you and perhaps says "I don't give a **** what you say"

[img] [/img]
Just scatter some leaflets around.

Not as silly as it sounds.
Could you readjust your attitude towards them? I mean instead of seeing them as nasty horrible bastards, think of them as a comedy act.
Every time they say something hurtful, nasty, spiteful and/or bigotted, think of the absurdity of it and genuinely laugh out loud.
This will help with your mental state AND it will really piss them right off. I mean, imagine trying your bestest to get at someone who just stands and laughs at you and perhaps says "I don't give a **** what you say"

That's brilliant. I really like that. That will work a treat.

My deepest sympathies for the terrible chainsaw accident suffered by your father in law just next Tuesday.

I'm now off to find one of my naked and looking serious photos to send to Ben

So they're loaded? Sounds like taking the flack and biding your time is the right approach here. Look at it as earning money.

Yes, and as we are not, they relish pointing it out. I've tried to point out that we simply have different values and in response they pointed out that's what all poor, unsuccessful people say.

Wee in their shoes?

I don;t want to be immature, but isn't it the obvious solution to all of your problems? 😉

Alternatively, I see it that you have two options? Shut up and put up. Talk about it with your wife but other than that, see it as empty and useless put downs and remember that it's not worth thinking about.

The other is to tell them that it's getting to you. Do this on your terms, in your choice of location and with your wife sat next to you.

I'd say that spending less time with them could make them wonder why. Esp.if you and your wife have children. A few, occasional "we're busy" or "sorry, can't"might make them wonder why (or are they too ignorant for that).

I used to say if I could shit gold bricks they would complain they were too small. Best thing about divorce is not having to see those mean and spiteful ****ers ever again ...that and knowing i will out live them

I have nothing helpful to add...you may have realised this by now 😉

I very much doubt anything you do will change them or how they are towards you so decide if you can tolerate it or not.

I've tried to point out that we simply have different values and in response they pointed out that's what all poor, unsuccessful people say.

Get their house valued by an estate agent - while they're in. Borrow on that basis and live as extravagantly as they think you should.

Confront them with it - they wo9n't change but you know you'll have given them the chance and then decide whether or not to move - doesn't need to be far just as long as you make it clear you're moving to get away should get the message home

If they said that to me I would say that is what all selfish amoral ****s say and its shame they value everything in terms of money as you dont and you feel the same about them as they do about you.

Its pointless trying if they will only judge you by their standards rather than whether you are good husband and your wife is happy.

If they said that to me I would say that is what all selfish amoral **** say and its shame they value everything in terms of money as you dont and you feel the same about them as they do about you.

Its pointless trying if they will only judge you by their standards rather than whether you are good husband and your wife is happy.

Quite right JY. And that is what hurts me the most. That they don't see that, despite our lack of wealth, their daughter has the sort of life she wants. We didn't chase money because neither of us were/are motivated by it. That is exactly why we clicked with one another in the first place and why we have been together since we were 19 years old.

All her parents see though, is that we don't have much money so we have failed miserably. I suppose I also feel hurt more so on behalf of my wife. That her own parents don't see how brilliant she is (obvious bias on my part).

You sound like you're comfortable with your lives and the choices you have made. Don;t let them spoil it because they judge you by standards that you don't adhere to.

Have a think about why it hurts you. Is it because you secretly think there's some truth in what they say? Is it because you think you should get on with them for your wife's sake? Is it simply because you don't like people being nasty?

Understanding why it affects you so much is a good first step in dealing with it.

Ben everyone wants to be liked [ ok not on the internet but the real world]and especially by their partners parents even if they are ****s.
However if folk dont approve and they only will if you become like them, which will never happen, I say why worry and put some distance between you - not enough to miss out on inheritance though 😉
make sure your wife is on side with whatever you decide as really its her problem as they are her parents

You choose your friends, you can't choose your family

You are probably far happier without the lifestyle they're trying to impose on you.
You come across as a kind hardworking sensitive chap and they seem to be the opposite, don't change.

Stay away from them.
A relative of mine has completely cut off her father in law and she is far better in mind and soul for not having to put up with his snide comments, lies and just being an all round selfish, unkind piece of s"*t.

they'll be dead soon, when you're in their company discuss the value of the stuff in their house, they'll be pleased that you're impressed by their wealth. You're mentally spending it on hoverbikes...

Rise completely above it, be nice, be kind, be loving, dont take them on at all.........relish in the fact that your wife will love more for it and that you'll have the last laugh when you've won by spending what they leave when they die!!!

Whenever they pop round for a drink, present it to them in the penis beaker?

Her dad's probably got a penis chalice

They sound like tools. I wouldn't tolerate it. Your wife picked a side when she married you.

Couldn't be bothered to read all the jive, so I'll just suggest 2 simple steps to help the OP, step 1 - shit down their chimney! Step 2 - every time they have a dig or make a comment you should start up a story of how great it is to pound their daughter particularly effective in front of large groups at social gatherings! They'll soon stop having a go!

If possible move away from them

This. My in-laws are approximately 10,000 miles away, and not by coincidence. My wife and I are both quite happy about this.

No kids involved as far as I can tell? In that case, other than work interaction with the father in law, do you really have to see them? If your wife knows they're making your life difficult, won't she be ok with you not seeing them unless you absolutely have to?

My own mother is...challenging...and she can be difficult with my wife sometimes. I recognise that and as a result I go and visit my parents myself and don't expect her to come with me as I know it may be uncomfortable if my mother is in one of her moods.

Have you got kids?

If so, or if you are planning them, rationing or threatening to limit future contact is one option...

Or just find some petty satisfying revenge. Sign them up to direct mail for sex shops. Get them on the email list for dodgy retailers. Spread rumours. And as above, laugh in their faces.

Or get them to repeat things they say to you while you video them, and put together a compilation...

Nasty people. Parents should cherish and see the positive in their kids and partners.

Unhappy people always criticise those who have what they have not got. Your inlaws have built an expensive empty shell of a life . Their daughter has rejected that for something they don't have and can't buy . That hurts them so they are snide to you . If you and your wife are happy together you have won and they have lost . You should pity them and let them know it.

Sort out the work arrangement. Make it clear you are doing him a favour do it on your terms or nor at all .

part of the power of snide comments comes from the fact that you won't challenge them. So do it, say 'Sorry what did you say?' 'and what exactly do you mean by that' 'so what you're saying is..... is that right' ..... but this'll make things very uncomfortable (that day at least) and only works if you have the confidence to think of a reply on the hop but if you let snide comments slide and just bitch to your wife they'll continue.

Step 2 - every time they have a dig or make a comment you should start up a story of how great it is to pound their daughter particularly effective in front of large groups at social gatherings! They'll soon stop having a go!

LIKE.
"THANKYOU MiL for raising your daughter as you did. She's VERY adventurous" *wink*
Or
"We'll she didn't marry me for money, she married me because I've got a ****ing great cock on me and I'm good with my tongue"

Exactly and some action pics on the phone should speed up the process!

The difference between the In laws and the Outlaws is that the Outlaws were wanted 😀

Thanks all for the wise words of advice. As always I can rely on this place and its people to make sense of things for me and pick me up.

I do love this forum. ... Most of the time.

I'd go with pointing out that there's no need for you or your wife to work hard, as she'll be inheriting it when they die anyways.

They'll most likely leave it all to their cats to spite her, but if you genuinely don't care for the money you'll have the last laugh anyways.

“There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all life is too short to be anything but happy.”

Karl Marx (composer)

You sound like you're comfortable with your lives and the choices you have made. Don;t let them spoil it because they judge you by standards that you don't adhere to.

That. Then crap down their chimney.

Move away. Life doesn't have to be miserable. 100 miles should be enough - close enough for your wife to go on a visit on her own.

Don't waste time "dealing" with them. It's like stirring the shit pot and complaining about being splashed.

The next time your FIL makes a snide remark ask him to repeat it . If he does punch him square in the cock. He will learn. Sound like a pair o cxxxs and your wife doesn't deserve them.

My parents (mother really) have been a **** to my wife and I of late. I gave them both barrels. Life is too short to fall out. Things have been very cool for the last few months but I will not have anyone saying anything about my wife, the lady I love and the one who helped bring our two kids into our life. They either wind their neck in or miss out!

Mizre,

I've had EXACTLY, the same experience, only with my own parents. Has taken me 40 years to get a handle on what has been happening. It all came to a head this summer when my mums behaviour started to have a negative impact on my 3yr old daughter.

I read the following book and it all became clear. "Difficult mothers" by Jenny Apter.

Bloody revelation it was. Realised that my mum wasn't just a difficult mother but was actually a difficult person in general. She's very controlling, always the victim and always has to have her own way. If she doesn't get her way then everyone is being either selfish to her or jealous of her.

The book is really good. Lots of hints and tips about how to handle difficult people. Also, Google "transactional analysis'. I found it very useful.

Biggest thing for me was sitting down and listing all the incidents that had happened. Has been really reasurring to reread this list (especially after receiving yet another ear full on the phone from my mum.) The list reminds me that I'm not just being soft and making stuff up.

If it helps, most people don't deal with problems until a crisis point is reached or when something significant happens like, in my case, the birth of my daughter. Made me reflect on my own child hood.

Incidently, I have lived in a different country to my parents for over 20 years now so geographical distance sometimes doesn't make a difference to the feelings you have. On the other hand, my brother, who lives around the corner from my folks and works for the family business, admitted to me that he only does so because he "put mum and dad through hell" when he was a teenager and now feels that he "owes them.'

Not the way I want to live my life.

I might not drive a big Jag like my dad but at least I can look myself straight in the eye and know exactly who I am.

The next time your FIL makes a snide remark ask him to repeat it . If he does punch him square in the cock. He will learn. Sound like a pair o cxxxs and your wife doesn't deserve them.

A variation on this - when one of them has a back turned and no-one is watching, go for a swift kick up the arse - only works if you are good at acting innocent and affronted. It's the Bishop Brennan technique. Either they won't be able to believe themselves that you did it, or no-one else will believe them - either way you win.

how great it is to pound their daughter

This, but not in earshot of your lovely wife. Followed by saving a small deposit to move very far away from the poisonous bastards. Also, no matter how skint you are, do NOT accept any more work with your FIL who sounds like a massive tit****. I'd have used a more suitable expletive if I was posting on mumsnet.

Mizre - do not lower yourself to their standards.

This problem you have is common. My sister hasn't seen or spoken to her in laws for over 10 years. It came to a head when they attended my father's funeral. He was a popular man and there wasn't enough room in the church for everyone and yet, her in laws said that they they had gone to a 'far better funeral the other week' and made no effort whatsoever to say anything comforting or nice to my sister, let alone our mother.

Just stay away and let your wife visit, really it's the best thing you can do.

Get out of there, start a new life and cut off all contact. The fact that your FiL is giving you work is also leverage on the in-laws part.