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Having looked at the indicators, what he's described certainly seems like gaslighting. He's been with his Mrs a long time and despite being warned a few times by others, has finally come to this conclusion he says. It was all a bit of a shock tbh because she seems lovely.
He says he doesn't want to leave the relationship because of his kids, despite him being unhappy, and says the biggest problem is dealing with the conflict.
Is there a CBT he can practice or a way of withdrawing from conflict situations? She apparently starts and then doesn't let him walk away from arguments.
Tell him that he's making it up.
You might need to remind me what gaslighting is meant to mean.
They will see individuals on their own although ideally it is obviously better if they are seen as a couple.
Presumably if she is guilty of gaslighting and manipulative behaviour she will be in denial and won't agree to counselling.
remind me what gaslighting is
It is the process of making people doubt what they know to be the truth until they accept the other person's narrative. The name comes from a film in which the husband does that to his wife.
Wow, this sounds familiar.
At least he’s recognising the problems, I’d say that means he’s more than halfway to solving it, even if that means leaving her, only getting one side of the story here obvs, but from someone who was in a toxic relationship hindsight has 20/20 vision!
Sorry I don't really know specifics but apparently she starts arguments, then tells him that they're his fault until he apologises and then he commits to change his behaviour.
When he says she has done something to upset him, she replies that he makes her feel that way too, but doesn't tell him what he has done to make her feel that way. He ends up apologising for insignificant things (I think he said he had apologised for not doing the dishes for 1 night), promising to stop making her feel that way, she apparently never apologises, and never addresses what has upset him.
I always thought it was something blokes did to women.
OP, You don't have any friends.
You might need to remind me what gaslighting is meant to mean.
it’s the new “staycation” in that most people using it seem to have no clue what it actually means! OP is merely describing someone being an arsehole.
more helpfully, there’ve been a few threads on here about partners’ moods changing drastically for the worse due to hormones/menopause, although there doesn’t seem to be too much you can do apart from try to weather the storm!
Sorry I don’t really know specifics but apparently she starts arguments, then tells him that they’re his fault until he apologises and then he commits to change his behaviour.
its not impossible that much of that IS his fault - the problem with only hearing one side of the argument.
When he says she has done something to upset him, she replies that he makes her feel that way too, but doesn’t tell him what he has done to make her feel that way. He ends up apologising for insignificant things (I think he said he had apologised for not doing the dishes for 1 night), promising to stop making her feel that way, she apparently never apologises, and never addresses what has upset him.
If every man who apologises for not pulling their weight in a relationship with things they think are insignificant is gaslight then I suspect that’s men rewriting the narrative (gaslighting?) to their own ends! She might well be the problem - she might not. I know two couples who have tried relationship counselling with a 50/50 success rate: it requires both parties to want success and acknowledge there is a problem and they might be part of it.
I always thought it was something blokes did to women.
it often is but coercive and controlling behaviour works both ways - like its physical domestic violence twin it’s now more socially acceptable to acknowledge but still mostly assumed to be men.
The woman in question wouldn’t be in their forties, round about the time that perimenopause symptoms start to show?
There was a thread about that.
We've only got one side of the story here, but staying together for the kids may not be the best thing for the kids.
Gaslighting is deliberately recalling history incorrectly to confuse the victim into thinking they are wrong. It’s a very subtle and powerful form of emotional abuse, as the victim loses their sense of self and unwittingly ends up relying on the abuser. You lose your identity, self worth, and end up with chronic PTSD if the abuse and other forms of associated abuse is also present.
I would encourage your friend to educate himself on forms of abuse.
The law is not in men’s favour at this point. In my case, my ex wife alleged I was a criminal, I was then arrested, bailed with conditions meaning I could not return home and she would only allow me to see the children 1 day a week. As a result of her ringing the police alleging domestic abuse, she was then entitled to apply for legal aid, and as parent away from home I now have to pay full CSA.
I would advise your friend to proceed with caution. Start by making notes regarding there behaviour and emailing them to himself so they are date stamped.
If it is really bothering him then it would make sense for him to suggest - not during an argument of course - they try counselling. Research some local options and let her choose one.
We’ve only got one side of the story here, but staying together for the kids may not be the best thing for the kids.
That. Two parents who argue a lot aren't going to do them any good. Better to split up and be more civilised to each other. According to a friend who is a teacher, so anecdotal but from an informed person, children of divorced/separated parents do a lot better socially as well as educationally compared to those who live in a household of two parents who argue all the time.
Check out Dr Les Carter on gaslighting and narcissism on YT.
@reeksy Apparently he has on more than One occasion, she has refused.