[Closed] My daughter's gone off nursery

my lad has gone off ketchup, ham, cheese and penguin biscuits.

have you talked to the nursery about it?

You could pull her out of nursery now but it'll only make going to school even harder for both you and her.

For many of us nursery wasn't optional we and the kids just had to get on with it. There were some unpleasent mornings but these were often put into perspective when ours came home and did something they'd learned at nursery they probably wouldn't have got if they'd been at home all the time.

The school almost certainly would not approve.

If you can ensure that your child learns whatever they need to learn to function well at school before they get there then fill your boots with the going to nursery as and when you both please then go for it. Some days, like today, it's just too nice a day to send them off to nursery.

So, she started something new, with lots of gusto and enthusiasm, and then got bored. Mmmmmmm, to quote Hora, "have you considered paternity testing?". 😀

My daughter is the same. I've taken the view that she has to keep going and get used to it, or she will keep doing the same next year when it is not compulsory.

Just because she's gone off the idea a bit doesn't mean it's not still the best thing for her in the long term.

Is she miserable while she's there, after you've gone? My boy periodically decided he didn't want to go to nursery and was frequently a little sod about it all the way there, but five seconds after we walked out of the classroom he was invariably having a great time.

Wow, our lad gets Nursery-separation anxiety. He doesn't look over his shoulder once he gets there.

However most of his day is at nursery- this could be key? Its become most of his life.

have you talked to the nursery about it?

We've been through this. Tears, wailing etc but she has a great time while there. Part of the control thing in their development. Speak to the nursery - you are not their only one, not their first and not their last. Despite us all knowing how special you are.

have you considered paternity testing?

Lol, I can assure you it's not necessary 🙂

Just because she's gone off the idea a bit

Gone off the idea a bit? She's properly upset. How much proper anxiety and trauma do we inflict on her for her own good? How miserable does she have to be before her spirit's broken and she just takes it like all the other robots?*

We haven't talked to the teachers yet, or observed her when there. But she has told us about being scared of being knocked over in boisterous play, which must be happening fairly regularly I guess. She seems afraid rather than just sulky.

* this is exaggerating things a bit but you know there's truth in it.

FFS - TALK TO THE NURSERY! It is part of your role as a parent to engage with the people you entrust with her safety, so get on with it.

Or let a 3 year old make the decisions.

Shall we ask her whether daddy should man up and be daddy for a bit?

she started something new, with lots of gusto and enthusiasm, and then got bored. Mmmmmmm, to quote Hora, "have you considered paternity testing?

Even from ghere I can tell it is his 😉

i think you just need to force her to go if she needs to
Its tough but setatime limit then re evaluate after that?

I distinctly recall holding on to a stair bannister, wailing, while my mum was pulling me by my legs.

Didn't do me any harm 😉

I distinctly recall holding on to a stair bannister, wailing, while my mum was pulling me by my legs.

It was nothing to do with school - she just wanted a taller son 😀

have you considered paternity testing?

That is weird. My son is very creole-looking and me and my wife are white. She once said that she thought there was some black possibly down her family line though, Great great grandfather etc 😐

How miserable does she have to be before her spirit's broken and she just takes it like all the other robots?

Alternatively, and somewhat less dramatically, you can view overcoming this as the first stage in her learning how to deal with the mean old real world. Talk to the nursery and see what they say. Perhaps it's not the right place for her, but just pulling her out after a few weeks without talking to them about it would be a bit daft.

Im pretty sure I did this when I was younger. I think the system was alot less structured than it is now. I think I went to some kinda of pre-school/nursery or something.

Every now and then I'd tell mum I didnt want to go anymore. So we would nt go. Then we'd restart at a different one. I think I went through 3 before school started.

I was quiet a shy child and it took me time to adjust to new ideas and new experiences, but I dont know if I was maybe picking something up from mum as well as shes quiet a similar mindset.

However once I got to school (5) I knew I had to go and I dont remember asking not to go and that was fine.

She said 'school' is fun but it's not fun if you go every day...

great line

If you replace the word "school" with "work" I think your daughter is on to something !!!

It was nothing to do with school - she just wanted a taller son

😆

have you considered paternity testing?
That is weird. [s]My son[/s] the boy I'm raising is very creole-looking and me and my wife are white. She once said that she thought there was some black possibly down her[s] family line though, Great great grandfather etc[/s]

FTFY... 😉

DrP

She is testing you.

Just speak to the nursery and see if she is happy when there.

Then ask her what she doesn't like about it.

Then focus on the good things about it, ask her about her days, get her to show you the things she has done/learned etc.

She is testing you.

Yeah I'd go with this. We're having a very similar issue with our 2.5 year old.

Tantrums, crying, running away and pleading not to go. It gives you pause for thought.

But she usually cheers up in the car, always seems to have a good time when she is there, is happy when we pick her up and is making great progress in terms of development, so we think it is definitely a [i]"how far can I push this"[/i] boundary thing.

We've had a few quiet talks with her to explain why some days mummy and daddy both need to work and how it is much more fun playing with friends at nursery than being stuck in the house on her own. That helped, a little.

My advice is make sure she is happy and well looked after when she is there. If she is then keep on taking her. If not find a better nursery.

Shall we ask her whether daddy should man up and be daddy for a bit?

Easy now.. just because I'm posting on stw doesn't mean I'm already out of ideas! It's meant to be a discussion starting point.

Our son did this - we walked to nursery so he tended to either kick off as we left the house or as we walked down the road.

We knew he was fine once he was there and we'd gone.

So I used to just pick him up and carry him.

I don't think it's done him any lasting harm - he's 15 now and lays in bed playing x-box all day. He still tends to react in much the same way if we suggest a family walk on the Downs and he's too big to carry now. So we make threats of x-box removal instead 🙂

Not read the whole thread, so might be repeating...

There's a good chance that she's past the stage of not realising that you actually disappear for a couple hours, but not yet reached the stage where she knows for certain that you'll always come back for her. Few weeks and it'll be fine. Seriously.

Maybe ask her why she is not enjoying it anymore? Then you may be able to resolve the problem as we did with my daughter.

In addition to the above, how old is she? Does she have to go every day?
We'll often pull our youngest out of nursery if there's something more fun to do - playing in the sun, going to the safari park.
Did the same with my oldest - he's in P2 now and doing fine.
They're only pre-school once!

Oh we also find that it is worse if she is rushed in the morning cos we are running late. Which then makes it even worse because we started getting stressed that we're late and she won't get in the car.

From her point of view I think she was feeling like she was just being bundled out the door. So now we try to wake up a bit earlier and maybe have a story in bed, or get up and let her do some playing/drawing. That helps, a little.

We asked, obviously. She said it's not fun to do every day, and that she is scared of being knocked over.

Tempted to let her stay home if she wants, and then see if we can gradually up the frequency.

Get yourself into the nursery and speak to them, they know more about you and your circumstances than the collective on here and have seen it more often that you may expect.

[i]Tempted to let her stay home if she wants, and that she is scared of being knocked over [/i]

I'm sorry to suggest a bit of MTFU for you and GTFU for her might be in order.

If you let her decide now you'll set the precedent and you'll never be back in control of when she attends.

If she has been knocked over then talk to her about how to avoid it or talk to Nursery but don;t avoid the situation - it won;t solve the problem.

It's school, and it's not optional. Assuming you've no reason to doubt the nursery, and the carer assures you she's fine all day - MTFU.

And when you move on to "proper" school, you can always tell which are the kids that stayed at home - they're the ones that don't behave, are behind the rest of the class, and spend the first 6 months catching up.

No real need to send her if she doesn't want to go. It's a bit young to suggest that she ktfu's, imo. Plenty of time to be kicked around later on in life. 🙂

Ours never went, though we do/did id make sure they socialised a lot- eldest didn't start attending school til she felt like it (aged 7), and has had no problems.
IMO, not necessary, and not going isn't a barrier to progression.
YMMV

If you let her decide now you'll set the precedent and you'll never be back in control of when she attends

That's one possibility, but I couldn't possibly say what WILL happen. You never know with her.

It's school, and it's not optional

It's not school, and it IS optional.

Vinneyeh - interesting.

I agree with vinnyeh completely.

We send our kids off too young here.

The school where my kids had been three years ago was so tyrannical and paranoid about H&S, that we just let them stay home whenever we wanted them to or there was snow on the ground. I thought: 'They're too young to be told that they aren't allowed to have fun; throw snowballs; ride their bikes; etc..

The school they attend now has a headteacher who used to be a PE teacher, and he's brilliant. Far from being H&S obsessed, he encourages them to get outside, climb trees, and do things that kids do. As a result, we see no reason to keep them at home, and they have never asked.

She said it's not fun to do every day, and that she is scared of being knocked over.

And saying she is scared of being knocked over? It really does sound like a test to me.

Just tell her she will get knocked over sometimes but it won't hurt for long and that there are grown-ups to look after her if she does fall.

So have you found out WHY it's not fun every day

This conversation only happened 4 hours ago, and I'm at work, so no 🙂

But it'll be because she'd rather be doing something else, and honestly I know how she feels.

One of the pitfalls of being too considerate as parents I think perhaps..?

We've barely acknowledged our kids existence since they were born, and if they moan we stick 'em in front of the TV all day.. just throw 'em a bag of crisps occasionally..
They can't wait to get to nursery for some nourishment, stimulation and simple human affection.. 😉

Hehe.. yeah.. our home environment is too stimulating, she likes us too much, and we've brought her up to be too independently minded. Dammit!

We;; I suppose you could try regularly thrashing her with some nettles at home. See if that makes being away more appealing 😀

This conversation only happened 4 hours ago, and I'm at work, so no

I'd explain to your daughter why she has to go. I.e so you can work and buy nice things, etc...

She sounds bright enough to understand.

eldest didn't start attending school til she felt like it (aged 7)

I am already building our girls up to the 'excitement' of school- we have our first school visit tomorrow and they start next September so I am getting them to look forward to it 🙂

(They go to pre-school two days a week now so it shouldn't be *too* bad when they go).

So my daughter who is a little younger than yours just 2 now goes to a nursery/school in the afternoon. She has been going since she was 17months.
A couple of weeks after she went back after the summer break she decided that she didn't want to go which we found strange since she really enjoyed it before the break. The reason she didn't like to go any more was the class had slightly changed, and instead of her being the youngest in the class by 6 weeks she was now one of the oldest. For most of her new classmates it was their first time separated from parents/nannies so they were crying a lot. My daughter didn't want to go because all the other children were acting like babies. We toughed it out for the next couple of weeks and she is happy again.
I'm sure once you have spoken to the teachers and found out what the situation is their will be a simple solution.
For us the reason we keep her going to the school even though she was upset when we dropped her off, was that after talking to the teacher we found that she was only upset when I dropped her off, after which she was really happy, all within about 45 seconds of me leaving.

REALLY?
Sorry, but life just isn't fun all the time!

Bad luck. 😥
TBH, it's not for us either, but we're trying to enjoy it as much as possible. Work less, play more etc.

The sooner children realise that you can't just stamp your feet and get what you want the better.

Ours have known this for a long time.

As for not going to school until they felt like it, well......

There's a legal obligation to ensure the children have an education. No obligation to either put them in formal schooling, or to follow the national curriculum. If we have the wherewithal to fulfil those requirements, what's the problem?

Easy now.. just because I'm posting on stw doesn't mean I'm already out of ideas! It's meant to be a discussion starting point.

It isn't a good sign that a parent seeks advice here rather than talking to those whom you entrust to look after your child at pre-school.

Tempted to let her stay home if she wants

Do it. Your subsequent role as support staff to your ever-demanding child could entertain us all for years.

Did you think that parenting stopped at the biological act? I repeat - grow a pair, PTFU and speak to the staff. Anything less and you've abdicated your role as dad.

It isn't a good sign that a parent seeks advice here rather than talking to those whom you entrust to look after your child at pre-school.

It's not an either or. I am at work, and I post my musings on here. My wife will be talking to the nursery tomorrow or Monday. I won't be, cos I won't be there.

Your subsequent role as support staff to your ever-demanding child could entertain us all for years.

If you don't understand my methods of parenting, you shouldn't really comment 🙂

You could always beat her and tell her to do as she is told 😆

my methods of parenting

There does not appear to be much parenting going on, so can't comment on any claimed method.

Your subsequent role as support staff to your ever-demanding child could entertain us all for years.

There does not appear to be much parenting going on

You wouldn't know much from a few STW threads though would you?

Edric 64 - Member

You could always beat her and tell her to do as she is told
Posted 2 hours ago # Report-Post

We need more people like you !

Spare the rod and spoil the child !

one of ours got really upset at going every day for about a month after our holiday.

What solved it? Asking the staff to give them a proper welcome and bit of fuss in the morning.

IMHO, they have to learn that it is a normal part of daily life to go away from the house to learn or work, because it will be forever. So you are never really to young for a bit of gentle HTFU...

Rose didn't like being left at playgroup, but really liked it once she was there.

We deliberately talked lots about playgroup with her, and how much fun she'd had, so she hadn't forgotten that bit by the time next time came round. We also had a strategy for her if she got scared or worried, which was that we told her if she is feeling scared, she should go over to the drawing table and ask to do a drawing. Having said that, also last week her best friend started at the same playgroup, which might have made all the difference.

Today, she walked straight in, and said 'hello. I'd like to draw slugs and snails please.' to the playgroup lady and was off, so either one of the above has worked, or she is just suddenly used to it.

You wouldn't know much from a few STW threads though would you?

Given that you prtty much live your woes, trials and tribulations out on this website, I'd say we get more of an idea of you than of most people.

Well there's information on here, but apparently not everyone is able to interpret it correctly 🙂

It's not school, and it IS optional.

To qualify what I said earlier: it's not optional if you decide it isn't. And if you start giving in when she starts kicking up a bit of a fuss, you're not the one deciding, she is.

I don't like to see my daughters suffering, but sometimes I have to be a dad, and not a best friend.

Knock her over a few times when you are playing with her until she gets used to the idea.

Perhaps it's lack of stimulation,children of nursery age are all at varying levels of development.At my daughter's pre school (as she insists we call it)some of the kids get more intellectually stretching things to do others play in the sandbox.Despite being kicked in the face and dumped in a puddle she still loves going.Unfortunately my daughter has now begun imitating the three children with learning difficulties 🙄
It could also be that socialising with her peers isn't that appealing after being at home with fun,clever,stimulating ,attentive parents but she will have to get used to it sooner or later.

Which is pretty much what we thought would happen.

Kids feed off your vibes, especially when they're very young. Be properly positive about things and she will. And they aren't daft, they know you well enough to know the tone of voice and body language you use when the medecine is going to taste foul despite you saying it's lovely. Be genuinely positive about things and your kids will too. If you're not genuinely positive then either you have doubts about the nursery or are on a guilt trip about sending her there.

I don't like to see my daughters suffering, but sometimes I have to be a dad, and not a best friend

I am already her best friend. I'm not going to take that away from her...

Be genuinely positive about things and your kids will too

Is that guaranteed? I am genuinely positive about things I really want to do with her, but if she decides she doesn't want to do it that's it. She knows her own mind and cannot always be swayed like this.

It could also be that socialising with her peers isn't that appealing after being at home

Quite possible. I've not seen what goes on in there so who knows. Definitely need to observe.

She knows her own mind

I have to say, when I hear this, I despair a bit. Who's the boss here mol?

I have to say, when I hear this, I despair a bit. Who's the boss here mol?

Why despair? She knows what she wants, what's wrong with that? She wants to please and will usually eventually do stuff she doesn't want to, but I can't MAKE her like things she doesn't like.

Eee molgrips, you ain't half in for a shock fella.

My top tip, stop trying to be her best friend, start to be her Dad; the roles are different and by being her best friend instead of her dad you'll mess it up.

She will also not want to have her Dad as her best friend for very much longer...

As for the whole 'Don't want to go' thing; it should never have even been an option available to her. She should understand that that is where she goes.

NSFW

When mine did this they went anyway as it wasn't optional. They seem to be OK.

Why despair?

Trust me, I'm not [i]really[/i] despairing. Thankfully, I've seen plenty of examples where there are rules and boundaries which deal with kids that "know their own minds". My mum (a teacher of 7/8/9 years old most of her life) used to secretly laugh when parents would talk proudly of kids that "know their own minds". She knew which ones were going to be trouble.

Look mol, just take control of the situation and stop being such a wet-arse about it. It seems you need your own backside wiping sometimes and not the kids.

My top tip, stop trying to be her best friend, start to be her Dad; the roles are different and by being her best friend instead of her dad you'll mess it up

We'll see.

it should never have even been an option available to her.

It never has been an option. We've never asked her if she wanted to go. Since the age of about 2 she was desperate to go to 'school', and she was thrilled at first. Then she said she didn't want to go, we took her anyway.

She doesn't need to be prompted to voice an opinion, obviously.

Look mol, just take control of the situation and stop being such a wet-arse about it

Take control? She's still going to nursery isn't she?

I'm asking for people's thoughts on the principle of forcing kids to do stuff. I don't know why you think that means the situation is out of control...?

I can't mention anything on here without people jumping to the wrong conclusions, can I?

I don't know you or your daughter well enough to dish out parenting advice mol. I'm sure you're doing what you think is best for your daughter which is really what matters.

However... I will just point out that the phrase [i]"I am already her best friend. I'm not going to take that away from her..."[/i] is one that is one that pops up a lot on [url= http://www.channel4.com/programmes/supernanny ]Super Nanny[/url] as she tries to figure out why the kids are out of control!

Edit: you sound like you are far from that point, but just be aware that it could be the first step towards it.

Why despair? She knows what she wants,

No she doesn't. Not yet.

I think that if you ask about relatively personal issues in a relatively personal way, people will suggest things that are relatively personal. I think the trick is not to take the replies in a personal way, but accept that said replies might contain valuable insights.

Or something like that.

Thanks Graham but I have it under control.

My wife and I are her best friends because we play with her more often than any of her other friends and with more patience, care and stimulating content. Mostly because her other friends are between 3 and 6 so don't care that much.

She knows what she wants,

No she doesn't. Not yet.

Have you met her?

I don't know why you think that means the situation is out of control...?

I didn't say it was out of control. Before you start lecturing others on jumping to conclusions, maybe take a step back and stop making your own little leaps, yeah? Ok, right...

"Forcing kids to do stuff"...that's a pretty broad stroke you're taking there with your big ol' brush isn't it? You're sending her to nursery for whatever reasons you and mrs grips have decided - so that's what she does. You're not forcing her to do anything bad. Give in to her now and you start the ball rolling for her. With each passing month, how much you can affect how she reacts to your requests diminishes. Each little "win" for her is a bigger "loss" for you and will require twice the battle to retake the ground you've lost. It's up to you...from what I see, some parents almost relish the battles ahead, from how they let their kids shit all over them.

Have you met her?

No, but I have met my own daughters' peer group. None of them has a fully formed or stable view of their likes and dislikes. Despite your special status, I doubt whether yours has made unique leaps forward in this area.

I'm asking for people's thoughts on the principle of forcing kids to do stuff. I don't know why you think that means the situation is out of control...?

Depends on what it is - if you're trying to get her to get dressed in the morning, give her two t-shirts and ask her to choose. The getting-dressed bit is not optional. (Try and give her the illusion of choice, it'll stand her well for later life when she has to vote etc.)

But some things are not optional, and there's no easy alternative to offer. I'd put nursery into this category. (Another one, from personal experience, was swimming classes - my eldest hated them, but I felt they were important enough to not budge on. We (my wife and I) did budge on ballet classes for the youngest, she hated them, and they're not exactly a potential life-saving skill.)

Choose your battles, but in the end she's your daughter, and one of your responsibilities as a parent is to teach her limits, and that life has obligations.

DD, that's the theory, yes.

However in practice we are all individuals, and each relationship is a unique thing that needs to be managed and progressed with intelligence and sensitivity. Especially when you are FREQUENTLY obliged to force one of the parties to do something they don't want to do. Like eat their dinner, go to bed etc.

Eating vegetables, cleaning ones teeth and going to bed are fairly black and white - they have to be done and there will be clear detriment if they are not done.

Nursery or even mainstream school - not so much.

None of them has a fully formed or stable view of their likes and dislikes.

Hehehe...

Nursery or even mainstream school - not so much.

*awaits "Home-schooling, what do we think?" thread*

[i]My wife and I are her best friends because we play with her more often than any of her other friends and with more patience, care and stimulating content[/i]

My advice stands; stop trying to be her friends, start being her mum and dad.

[i]Choose your battles, but in the end she's your daughter, and one of your responsibilities as a parent is to teach her limits, and that life has obligations.[/i]

This is good advice.

My advice stands; stop trying to be her friends, start being her mum and dad

I don't consider them exclusive, certainly not at this stage.

one of your responsibilities as a parent is to teach her limits, and that life has obligations.

That's what I do.

The question is, is nursery school (or any school for that matter) one of those obligations?

Nursery or even mainstream school - not so much.

She will find society even more bewildering than her best friend/dad does when she hits 18 then. Scary thought.