Moving on with life amid world crises and uncertainty

I've said this before, but when I was a nipper we had regular tests of the air raid sirens and adverts on TV telling us what would happen in the event of a nuclear attack. I guess that maybe made me a bit blasé about other "disasters" but my life has mainly been played safe regardless. Of course, sometimes it's been appropriate to take a little "risk" - like diving into my first mortgage, marriage, family etc.  I don't think I've changed much as I've aged.

I sort of have the same thoughts as you, previous generations have been through all sorts of stuff, World Wars, Napoleonic wars, 100years, 30 years wars, the great depression, plagues, black death, mini ice ages, all kinds of weird stuff which has ****ed everything up.
However, I seem to deal with it differently. I can't influence any of these things, I try to do a little bit where I can, minimising my impact on climate change for example, getting a vaccine for covid, just little things which an individual can do, but I can't have much of an affect on when the next massive volcano is going to go off.
Therefore, if I can't do anything about it I don't worry about it. We're only here for a brief period, so I might as well enjoy it. I've done things a bit differently to you (for example, bought a little house, Tweed Valley, I like it here. It may well get destroyed if Putin decides to nuke us, but in the mean time it's a nice place to live, and i supose it's possible he won't, in which case that's a bonus)
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Similar thoughts, different views.

You sound very glass half empty. In reality while bad things do happen they don't happen very often. And most of the time the worrying was far worse than the eventually. Sometimes it's terrible, like the death of a loved one. But unfortunately that's just life and you can't do anything about that. For everything else your mindset is what makes the most difference.
Rich or poor, married or single, you can try to some extent choose to look at either the positives or the negatives.
Plan for the worst, but write it down in a plan so it's not taking up space in your head. Budget your life and enjoy the rest.

All the stuff you describe will pass within a few years, and we'll be onto the next global problem. Global heating is the one that bothers me, not for myself, I'll be well out of it by the time the shit really hits the fan, but fear for my daughter in her old age, (early 20's now) and I genuinely do not want to be a grandad ever!

This may come across as a bit flippant, but serves me well:

As a preteen in the early '80s diagnosed with stress due to fears about imminent nuclear annihilation, I've developed ways of getting over these feelings.

I'm a dyed in the wool, 'evangelical' atheist so always feel a bit odd recommending this, but find a book called 'The Watercourse Way' and read that (although tied to a particular belief system, it is more philosophical rather than religious so I can live with that). The ideas in this book really clicked with me and have shaped my thinking about how to approach life ever since I read it 30 or so years ago.

It's a bit cliched, but just focus on the things you can control. You've chosen your approach to life for whatever reasons so either commit to it and don't worry about how others live, or make some changes and commit to those equally.

Other than vaguely sensible middle-aged financial planning, etc. I don't make long term plans. Neither do I live minute to minute. I'm happy and secure in my career, married (17 years now), and am at the moment relatively well insulated from financial insecurity (other than having a mortgage and bills to pay).

I can't affect in any meaningful way what happens to the economy, in Ukraine, to the global climate, etc. so while I watch these these things and do the small things I can to make the world a better place I no longer let them affect my day to day life and just try to do what feels right at any given moment. I don't see it as selfish - more just making the most of my lot and finding the positives, fun and happiness where I can.

Don't waste your life worrying about things that might not happen or the consequences of what might happen if you make a wrong decision. Worrying serves no purpose, live in the moment, because before you know it, it's all over

Here's a Morresy lyric I find very appropriate for modern life and may be part of your problem.

"Stop watching the news
Because the news contrives to frighten you
To make you feel small and alone
To make you feel that your mind isn't your own"

This may come across as a bit flippant, but serves me well:

Absolutely, I genuinely believe that man is destroying the planet, but nothing I can do about it (other than not vote Tory), so I just ignore it.....

It occurs to me that this is waste of prime life years and opportunity, and also has financial costs.

Have spent significant amounts of my adult life worrying about things that are out of control, so I understand your worries... However...

Once you learn to appreciate that you can only affect a very small number of things in your life, and learn to pick your battles, then you're half way there...

The biggest one you could affect personally would be (as long as you can afford to) to buy a house. Home ownership brings risks with it, but it also brings significant rewards. Your commitments are only to the bank and to yourself. And the bank is lending you money at a far better rate than you would ever get it for anything else, and as long as you buy wisely, you're buying an appreciating asset anyway. Putting off home ownership only delays you taking control of a significant worry in your life, and once you commit to it, it opens up all sorts of possibilities and though it won't feel like it for the first 2-3yrs it does also bring with it a level of financial freedom... Your first remortgage once you've paid off a bit of equity and the house has gone up in value, and you have a better credit rating, feels like winning the lottery! Me and my GF pay less on our mortgage each month than we were paying in rent and at the current rate, we will own it outright in a little more than 14yrs.

Not gonna say that the other things you've mentioned still don't mess with my head... But home ownership has given me a level of calm that has helped to say the least...

The other thing to put things into perspective personally has been getting Cancer... But I don't for a moment suggest that as a recommended path for anyone. Has strengthened my dislike for Tory NHS underfunding Simps to an enraged hatred mind! Fortunately Sunak has massively underestimated public opinion though, and I can see an end in sight for their reign of terror... Not that Starmer is likely to fix anything mind, but hopefully Labour might see sense and install someone more visionary sooner than later!

I'm fairly happy with having made it to 50+ without someone shooting at me , or me needing to do some shooting.

I think Roger Mellies Venn diagram is not so far off the mark. Bad things will happen, and you have to deal with that, but that's no reason not to do nothing despite the fact it might all go to heck next week.. two steps forward one back is better than going nowhere

I think the news and media play a big part in it all. I am forcing myself to cut right down on the news, both on TV and online, its just so depressing.

I watch it first thing when I get out of bed, not really the best start to the day.

I get that.

I'm very risk adverse. No finance no kids etc. Think it's due to various things in childhood.

Sometimes I wish I had more of a sod it attitude but I'm never brave enough to do it. My fear of not knowing kicks in.

Still I can't complain to much. I've managed to move to Scotland which was a major goal in life but it came with a huge amount of stress.

Now I'm here I'm happy with my location but feel trapped with work...

In short I'm never bloody happy....

It must be the time of year for this line of thinking as I've been tracked with anxiety for the past week or so, partly driven by lack of work and therefore too much thinking time.

The world feels messed up right now, Britain feels like it's going down the pan. Personally I've a job that feels as secure as it can, insulated from too much cost rise with fixed mortgage and energy bills for a while yet. It just feels like everything around us is messed up, but nothing I can do much about so have to sit tight and hope the global megalomaniacs calm themselves down a bit.

I recently came to the conclusion that I need a carer - someone to care so I don't have to. Frustration at events outwith my control, at the people who I thought I aligned with, at various issues not being addressed is, I think, compounded by the likes of Twitter as I'm constantly reminded.

As I'm personally comfortable enough, it does make me wonder about that old adage we get more Right Wing as we get older. I don't think that's me (yet?) as I can't see me ever voting Tory but I honestly don't see any societal changes on the horizon and I feel I need to selfishly look after me and mine first.

The message I take from Roger Mellie's Venn diagram is to focus on cleavages. Wise words.

The whole Ukraine thing made me realise that no matter how cautious your plans are, it all might be gone in an instant. In the last 6 months we've spent over half our savings. Bought a house for much more than we were planning, bought a bike that was more than I'd planned, spent loads on a holiday next year and home improvements.
Sleep well knowing we made good decisions.

Hopefully this won’t be regarded as a facetious question… Not intended.

Given this thread is about risk and self-preservation, how do you square your concerns (above) with partaking in a risky sport like mountain biking?

It seems to me that the risk of serious injury due to a fall is far more likely to have a serious impact on someone’s way of life than many of the national or global events reported in the news.

That rather depends on your definition of mountain biking but let's not go into that again ..

However, I seem to deal with it differently. I can’t influence any of these things, I try to do a little bit where I can, minimising my impact on climate change for example, getting a vaccine for covid, just little things which an individual can do, but I can’t have much of an affect on when the next massive volcano is going to go off.
Therefore, if I can’t do anything about it I don’t worry about it.

A few people said things like this - not to worry about what you can't control. It isn't controlling or solving them that I worry about, it's making life choices to try and mitigate some of the risk.

You sound very glass half empty. In reality while bad things do happen they don’t happen very often. And most of the time the worrying was far worse than the eventually.

All the stuff you describe will pass within a few years

One or two bad-enough things close enough together can certainly change the course of someone's life to be permanently worse. You might be able to recover from the lowest point, but not always to where you were.

Here’s a Morresy lyric I find very appropriate for modern life and may be part of your problem.

“Stop watching the news

I think the news and media play a big part in it all. I am forcing myself to cut right down on the news, both on TV and online, its just so depressing.

I'm not convinced ignorance is better than making informed decisions knowing what might come and hit you.

The biggest one you could affect personally would be (as long as you can afford to) to buy a house. Home ownership brings risks with it, but it also brings significant rewards. Your commitments are only to the bank and to yourself. ... Putting off home ownership only delays you taking control of a significant worry in your life, ... But home ownership has given me a level of calm that has helped to say the least…

Interesting - in my mind this would make things worse. Mainly through semi-permanently tying oneself down in one place (severely limiting job options should I lose the current one).

The world feels messed up right now, Britain feels like it’s going down the pan.

Indeed. I take some comfort in knowing that with no commitments and a profession, I could just leave if it gets too bad.

Hopefully this won’t be regarded as a facetious question… Not intended.

Given this thread is about risk and self-preservation, how do you square your concerns (above) with partaking in a risky sport like mountain biking?

It seems to me that the risk of serious injury due to a fall is far more likely to have a serious impact on someone’s way of life than many of the national or global events reported in the news.

Not at all, it's an interesting one that I hadn't thought about. All that things in my opening post have had or continue to have negative effects on my way of life, but none of my biking crashes have. It's difficult to explain my level of MTB risk taking without you coming for a ride with me, but let's say I ride at 7/10ths given my ability/conditions/equipment and wear more protection than most people doing my riding would. I do biking in a way that the reward weighs off the risk. In contrast, world/national events don't bring reward.

I’ve managed to move to Scotland which was a major goal in life but it came with a huge amount of stress.

Well done. I wish the Scots well with whatever they decide on independence, but no chance I'd move there until it's either chosen to remain in the UK or independence happens and has had a good few years to settle down.

Interesting. I am the daughter of someone who escaped across the Iron Curtain in the seventies. I’m sitting on a train crossing what used to be East Germany. This was unimaginable when I was a child. Huge tectonic shifts can be positive and sometimes change happens very quickly. It took demonstrators in Leipzig and other cities 6 months to bring about the fall of the regime in East Germany (there was an economic backdrop that meant that factors converged… but it was still unimaginable even a year before — anyway, after 40 years of communism it all toppled very quickly).

Finding yourself in the middle of a maelstrom isn’t necessarily the worst thing - and that’s what happened to most people in the former eastern block. Everything changed. But my uncle (who I visited today) told me that my aunt (who died a few years ago) thought that her final years were the best of her life, after living under communism and retiring under capitalism.

So, I reckon the best thing is to do things you believe in and seize opportunities when they line up with your values. You don’t know what’s going to happen - bad or good.

1. Guard your mind.
2. Have no fear.
(these two have a very deep meaning and will probably take you a lifetime to learn if you are lucky)

3. Walk this path in life yourself perhaps with a love one.

4. Distance yourself from people who are envious, jealous and stingy (greed).

5. Nobody that walks this earth is perfect. In the grand scheme of your life cosmos they are by products.

6. Remember life is short. The cycle of birth, aged, sickness (hopefully minor) and death is the norm.

When you reach the lowest point in life refer back to the points above.

If you get through you will come out very strong and happy, but if not you will fall into severe depression or death/suicide. You have a choice so choose wisely.

You mind governs your well-being so keep that guarded and you will sail through life with a good death. i.e. happiness without regret.

p/s: Did I say I am listening to heavy bass techo music, LOL!

“Worrying about the future is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life will always be things that never crossed your worried mind.”

I'm not sure that helps but in my experience is true.

If it really gets to you do some reading around mindfulness. The Headspace app is really good at providing...headspace. It gives you a chance to switch off from patterns of thought and a bit of a reset - the other alternative (for me) is riding - where I'm focussed on the task in hand.

Otherwise focus on what you can control. Make plans and decisions that you are happy are right at the time. Don't try and second guess the world. Everyone's winging it and just making it up as they go.

I’m with roger Millie’s balls tbh 🙂

My happenth;

The worlds in constant flux what you perceive as stable probably really isn’t.
Change can also be for good.

A career is exactly that,careering all over the place.

And that immortal proverb:
Love many, trust few, but always paddle your own canoe.

Interesting – in my mind this would make things worse. Mainly through semi-permanently tying oneself down in one place (severely limiting job options should I lose the current one).

If you want to move, you can rent it out... Or sell it, and buy another (at a cost admittedly)... Either way, renting is dead money. Took me 20yrs of renting before I was able to get on the property ladder, that's probably £90-100k I've spent paying off other people's mortgages over the years and not my own...

Don't think of it as tying you to a place, think of it as securing your financial independence for future years... If you really want to up sticks and piss off round the world or something after 5 or 10 years in it, and can't see yourself settling anywhere again, you can sell it and enjoy spending the equity from it that didn't go into paying someone else's mortgage for them too!!!

BUY. A. HOUSE!!!

if not you will fall into severe depression or death/suicide.

both bullshit and far from helpful.

for some time i was reluctant to buy in to a house but i did it in the end it was advantageous to some extent for me. look carefully though - other investments are available and what you have to bear in mind is that you need somewhere to live. you can buy in to what is (hopefully) an appreciating asset and not make other forms of investment, or you can invest elsewhere but see accommodation as an ongoing expense. when you say you're saving i sincerely hope you're not just sticking it into a mainstream bank's savings account...

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I imagine quite a few people in Britain felt like this around 1937.

"I’m not convinced ignorance is better than making informed decisions knowing what might come and hit you."

Ignorance is Bliss....

Bikesandboots, you remind me of my brother. He is an anxious person (runs in my family) who is wary of committing to anything, but stubborn, and mboy's exhortations to buy a house remind me of me 15 years ago. He insisted it would be some kind of ball and chain, stopping him from doing X, Y and Z.

He's now 42, still in the same job he started in 2002, and still living with mum and dad. They charge him rent, but not loads. He has not travelled the world or run off to join the circus, but his anxiety has slowly got worse over the years.

When you talk to him about it, he has his defences up. It's like he doesn't want to live like this, but all the alternatives are worse, and he can't back down. Maybe it's not wanting to admit defeat, or commit to a course of action, or something else, but he's stubborn with it.

This makes him sound a bit weird. He's not! He's a nice, thoughtful, intelligent person, friendly and affable, holds down a regular IT job, makes the best mince pies around.

I think he should get counselling. He resists, of course. He's mistrustful of the whole thing, doesn't feel it's warranted if he's not suicidal, like he would be laughed out of town, thinks it's pointlessly expensive, yak yak.

I think you should get counselling too. You sound ahead of my brother in that you know your thought processes are leading you somewhere you're not happy. This is exactly what counsellors are for! Go and vent at someone, and let them help you unpick what's going wrong and how you might develop some better coping strategies.

I agree that the responses saying 'stop worrying about what you can't control' are unhelpful, no better than telling someone with depression to cheer up a bit. It's deeper than that. And that's why professional help is useful.

Anyway. Good luck.

If you want to move, you can rent it out

Yep I still have the UK DoDcave whilst currently in Spain, property can be a farf but there are worse problems, life does have problems committing to nothing doesn't make it easier in the long run.

Interesting thread. I'm very much a glass pretty much empty person. I doom monger pretty much everyday. It's the norm for me and I think I've just accepted the feelings. The stress will likely put me in an early grave.

These last 2 years have had an affect on me more than I realise. Whatever length of time I have left, I'm sure there will be something much worse than the pandemic or the Ukraine war at my doorstep.

Also, I'm not buying into the getting a mortgage has lots of positives thing. I just got my first mortgage this year at the age of 39. Just something else to add to the list of stressful things. And paying for it isn't going to get cheaper anytime soon.

TBH you'd have to pay for rent, isn't meeting that stressful 🙂

I’ve done things a bit differently to you (for example, bought a little house, Tweed Valley, I like it here. It may well get destroyed if Putin decides to nuke us, but in the mean time it’s a nice place to live, and i supose it’s possible he won’t, in which case that’s a bonus)

You might end up as the last outpost of humanity 🙂

I'm from around the same generation's as scrotroutes - good music and the constant threat of impending nuclear annihilation. Tape the windows and er make a shelter out of the internal doors.

I have a feeling that certain Russians aren't going to be too happy having their London pads blown up or having to sail in nuclear sludge on their super yachts and Mr P may end up falling out of a window as Russian windows seem to have terrible locking mechanisms and the luxury lifestyle isn't much cop when its all been vaporised, people don't like giving up nice things.

I figure out I'll be fine, the Americans dropped a few nukes around where I live yonks ago, so on the odds of being nuked that's got to be pretty good odds against being nuked twice.

Finding yourself in the middle of a maelstrom isn’t necessarily the worst thing – and that’s what happened to most people in the former eastern block. Everything changed.

With the level of development we're at in the UK, chances are that any major unpheaval will make things worse rather than better.

So, I reckon the best thing is to do things you believe in and seize opportunities when they line up with your values. You don’t know what’s going to happen – bad or good.

I know a few people who seem to take this approach actually, they're not irresponsible but perhaps a bit helpless with the life conundrums they seem to get themselves into, and then wonder why it keeps happening to them.

Either way, renting is dead money. Took me 20yrs of renting before I was able to get on the property ladder, that’s probably £90-100k I’ve spent paying off other people’s mortgages over the years and not my own…

I've looked at it as a fee for peace of mind and flexibility. Which can be offset by living a bit lower quality of life, through a less nice house or in other areas of life. I probably paid off over half the mortgage on one place.

the other alternative (for me) is riding – where I’m focussed on the task in hand.

Yes. Someone on another thread today observed how this time of year gives time for too much thinking, with the 9-5 distractions removed.

when you say you’re saving i sincerely hope you’re not just sticking it into a mainstream bank’s savings account

I'm not, and not into risky investments either. Everything's taken a hammering this past year though, both in £ numbers and real-terms value.

I think you should get counselling too. You sound ahead of my brother

Noted. Thanks for sharing the story. Never thought of counselling for anything, I've always thought if you can keep going then don't fertilise potential problems by talking about them.

I agree that the responses saying ‘stop worrying about what you can’t control’ are unhelpful, no better than telling someone with depression to cheer up a bit.

Yes. I've not said anything to anyone for many years because that's exactly the sort of response people come up with, whether through good intentions or thoughtlessness.

Also, I’m not buying into the getting a mortgage has lots of positives thing. I just got my first mortgage this year at the age of 39. Just something else to add to the list of stressful things. And paying for it isn’t going to get cheaper anytime soon.

I've read lots of things both ways on this. I just know that that big balance would stress me out more than a reduced monthly outgoing could compensate for.

I agree that the responses saying ‘stop worrying about what you can’t control’ are unhelpful, no better than telling someone with depression to cheer up a bit.

Yes. I’ve not said anything to anyone for many years because that’s exactly the sort of response people come up with, whether through good intentions or thoughtlessness.

I don't think any of us that have said that (or similar) are knowingly peddling unhelpful cliches though.

I think (from my own experience), once you properly get your head around that as concept it is genuinely one of the most helpful things you can do.

But I do also appreciate that trying to explain HOW to get to that point is extremely difficult, so the advice can come across as a bit trite. I also think that it's a different route to that for each individual hence the proliferation of generic comments?

It occurs to me that this is waste

Do you want to change, or are you just revealing how you feel? You've said you've never thought of counselling, well this thread is; of a sort. Some folks will share your experience and you'll feel that you're not alone, and perhaps experience some relief in that, or some one will offer an insight, and it may spark a change. It's not professional, fo'shure, but it is counselling.

If it's the latter, and you want to change this behaviour, then my advice would be; start on something small that is inconsequential and change it. See what happens. Commit to something, make a vague plan, be incautious. Spend some money on yourself frivolously, A night in a reasonably expensive hotel, and a exhibition at a London Gallery, Experience something wildly different, don't overthink it, just do it. Thousands of people every year do something similar, and why shouldn't you?

I think I figured that something’s going to bugger it all up soon anyway

Has anything actually happened [in the world at large] that has made you have to adapt to it in a major life changing way yet? Forgive me for saying so, but this is the behaviour that doomsday cults rely on to keep their members invested. There's so much "sunk cost" into the idea that something, somewhere is going to go so badly wrong, even if that doesn't come to pass, there will always be something else to focus your worry on...This is the behaviour cycle that keeps you trapped in this sort of thinking, and the one you have to break i order to change.

I agree that the responses saying ‘stop worrying about what you can’t control’ are unhelpful

Nevertheless, it is, largely; true. Unless you are the President of the USA or Russia, there's literally **** all you can do to guide world events. Covid effected all of us, Mortgage rate increases effect loads of folks...These are not really the thing that is causing you angst, it is your response to them that is.

I’m not convinced ignorance is better than making informed decisions knowing what might come and hit you.

Cutting down (not cutting out) on tv news etc is not ignorance. I still watch the news and its important for us all to know and try to understand what is going on in the world.

I’ve read lots of things both ways on this. I just know that that big balance would stress me out more than a reduced monthly outgoing could compensate for.

Ah don’t forget your only really on the hook for the difference between what you’ve paid for it and it’s market value and you have the benefit of 0 rent after n years and a roof over your head for the rest of your life, or something you can cash in on for a round the world tour.

Commit to something, make a vague plan, be incautious. Spend some money on yourself frivolously, A night in a reasonably expensive hotel, and a exhibition at a London Gallery, Experience something wildly different, don’t overthink it, just do it.

I think this is great advice. I went for CBT for a fear of flying which morphed into other life issues summarised as “a perfectionist with an intolerance of uncertainty” - I’m not comfortable unless I can guarantee an outcome that is 100% what I want it to be.

Anyway, as part of this I went on an overnight forest orienteering course in the rain (I hate being cold and wet) - a Drawing / Art evening (I can’t draw anything resembling real life) and a random cinema film amongst other things by myself. All of these experiences taught me that being outside my comfort zone didn’t kill me, nobody laughed at me, people offered to help me, and there was more insight, skill, thought and experience to activities I previously wouldn’t have tried otherwise.

Accepting things outside of your control, skills or comfort blanket will not necessarily harm you is an eye opener IMO especially as we grow older and establish our little controlled kingdoms around us.

I’m not comfortable unless I can guarantee an outcome that is 100% what I want it to be.

Oh, I sooo recognise this. It's one of the reasons I've not travelled more to ride my bike and missed out on some events. I think it's got worse with age too. Not long ago I'd go I'd have just set out, prepared but not over-prepared. Now, I'm scared I'll encounter something I just can't handle. I might adopt your technique of just jumping into something uncomfortable to see if I can shock myself out of it.

I’m not comfortable unless I can guarantee an outcome that is 100% what I want it to be.

Huh, interesting. Most of my life could be summed up by "I wonder what'll happen if I..."

Just don't watch the news. It's always doom and gloom.

I agree that the responses saying ‘stop worrying about what you can’t control’ are unhelpful

Nevertheless, it is, largely; true. Unless you are the President of the USA or Russia, there’s literally **** all you can do to guide world events. Covid effected all of us, Mortgage rate increases effect loads of folks…These are not really the thing that is causing you angst, it is your response to them that is.

Agreed, and I didn't mean to infer that people saying that were doing so in bad faith.

But your last point is key I think. Like saying to someone stood on a chair to avoid a mouse, "don't worry, it's more frightened of you than you are of it". But if you're terrified of mice, the chair-standing is actually a perfectly rational response.

The irrational thing is the mouse phobia itself, and it won't respond well to reasoned suggestions. So if you want to stop jumping on a chair every time, you might have to dig in to what's causing the phobia itself, not just your reactions to it.

So that's why I think professional help is appropriate here. I suspect OP needs to look at the cause of their anxieties rather than their (rational) reactions to them. And that may be tricky to pick apart, as there are probably levels to it. But worth it!

Easier said than done and about as helpful as saying pull yourself together but anyway;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference

Without wanting to be flippant, the best coping mechanism I've come up with is a healthy dose of nihilism. Not the negative cynical form of nihilism which most people recognise, just an appreciation and understanding that in the grand scheme of things, our lives, the human race, this planet etc is an infinitessimal dot in the wider universe. We could all be wiped out tomorrow by a gamma ray burst or some other catastrophe and there's bugger all we can do about it, so really there's no other option than to get on with whatever you're doing and try not to worry about everything else.

And if that doesn't work, then there's always the option of putting yourself in the shoes of others who are suffering much more. Imagine being stuck in Ukraine right now facing a freezing winter with no heating or electricity, the ever present threat of bombs falling on you and scraping together enough food to eat from empty shelves in the shops?

Its ok for you to be so risk adverse that you don't want to make any commitments. Its you life and you live it as you see fit. As long as you don't become bitter about those who do make commitments that pay off then all is good.

What are you doing about the very real risk that you will have to work a very very long time in order to keep paying rent when everyone else has paid their mortgage off and can retire?

Well, at one point I was panicking because I am still renting with low income and not so young age. It actually worries me no end. Saving is low and pension is practically peanuts. Job was zero hour contract for many years.

Then a so called "friend/colleague (now retired with inheritance as he boosted to me)" started planting seeds of doubt in me to cheer himself up by giving me all the negative ideas. It is not as if he was providing solution but actually adding more stress and worries.

Note, person that only provides you with worries but No solutions is actually a waste of space. This is the sort of person that cherish in someone else worries. Cut them out and distance yourself from them.

I can put down a deposit now for a small flat but due to my age, mortgage will be very expensive if any. My income is manageable but need to take on more jobs.

Bottom line if you feel your budget permits then go for it but do the calculation before making the move.

I don’t think any of us that have said that (or similar) are knowingly peddling unhelpful cliches though.

I think (from my own experience), once you properly get your head around that as concept it is genuinely one of the most helpful things you can do.

That's right, sorry. It's outside of here that I've heard things like there's no need for you to worry about this, you shouldn't think like that, etc.

I appreciate it's helpful not to worry about things I can't control, but as I've said earlier, I'm not worried about those things themselves - I'm letting them influence my life choices. I think that's different, but happy to hear counter-arguments.

Do you want to change, or are you just revealing how you feel?

Don't know tbh. I know it's not normal and I'm doing things differently to most people, which calls for a bit of a sense check, hence this thread.

Has anything actually happened [in the world at large] that has made you have to adapt to it in a major life changing way yet?

No, just know of other people who did.

“a perfectionist with an intolerance of uncertainty”

That's me in a nutshell!

Oh, I sooo recognise this. It’s one of the reasons I’ve not travelled more to ride my bike and missed out on some events. I think it’s got worse with age too. Not long ago I’d go I’d have just set out, prepared but not over-prepared. Now, I’m scared I’ll encounter something I just can’t handle.

Yes. I plan trips away and ride routes in quite some detail. I feel it does pay off, but faced with a free weekend and without any routes planned, I'd stay at home rather than say dash to the Lakes on Friday night for some unplanned adventures.

Its ok for you to be so risk adverse that you don’t want to make any commitments. Its you life and you live it as you see fit. As long as you don’t become bitter about those who do make commitments that pay off then all is good.

That could happen knowing me. I don't want to become like that though.

What are you doing about the very real risk that you will have to work a very very long time in order to keep paying rent when everyone else has paid their mortgage off and can retire?

I have savings and investments that are not houses, more than most people my age have in house equity. At some point once they reach a certain level and I'm ready, much of these will fund a house purchase.

I appreciate it’s helpful not to worry about things I can’t control, but as I’ve said earlier, I’m not worried about those things themselves – I’m letting them influence my life choices. I think that’s different, but happy to hear counter-arguments.

Appreciate the nuance there, but the outcome is still similar if those external factors are affecting what you choose to do?

The bottom line is that I do think we all (no matter what our outlook on the world is) only try to do what we feel is best for us? the differences seem to be what influences those choices and then to what extent we then second guess that or compare to what others have done?

I wish I had some real insight to pass on about how to achieve that state where only 'internal' factors drive those life decisions, and where what others do with their lives doesn't matter... But then, if I did I guess I wouldn't be a lowly art teacher... Sorry.

The only real 'strategy' I've been able to identify in myself is to trust my first, 'gut' instinct when faced with any decision about what to do in life. If it feels right before you've had chance to overthink things then there's a fair chance it might be right - your brain thinks faster than you do? Comes back to the book I mentioned about Taoist philosophy - if I was to sum it all up in one very crude phrase, it would be 'go with the flow'.