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My MIL has Alzheimer's and is deteriorating rapidly. As a result we are no longer able to cope and look after her and ourselves adequately. Hopefully she will be moving permanently back to the south west from Scotland, she moved to be near us four years ago but we feel she might be happier nearer where she's from. Also it means she will be close to her son and younger grandchildren who she rarely sees more than twice a year at the moment. We at least will be able to go down every 6-8 weeks. For the next month we may be able to get her into a place near us until the permanent place is ready. I expect there'll be a few bumps on the road but what problems can we expect from your experiences and how do we deal with them. My other half is very close to her mum as her dad died when she was a teenager but she can't continue as we are.
get all the necessary paperwork sorted out as much as possible before starting, in particular house deeds, leasehold/freehold arrangements etc, we are 18 months into a similar situation held up by a mixture of Covid and lack of paperwork
Sorry to hear about your MIL Steven.
My mum had to move into a home suddenly after breaking her hip at Xmas a few years ago. My brother and I looked at lots of homes but we ended up using one near him that he'd looked at before for his in-laws. The home is as good as it could be - it's run by a not for profit called Quantumcare.co.uk. It has a separate dementia unit upstairs. The staff have been great.
When she moved in she had a small room facing the car park. She wouldn't accept it as permanent and waited until a better room came up which was a sensible thing to do.
She took a few personal decorations etc to remind her of home a bit- others in the home have done much more.
Label all the clothes and expect to lose some of them when they go to the laundry.
Best of luck.
+1 administration
We went through this earlier this year, unfortunately/fortunately my MIL went downhill rapidly from totally in control (house, investments etc) to bed-bound within about 12 weeks and passed away not many weeks later.
We also looked at moving her (South East England) up to us in Scotland, but TBH she really wasn't aware where she was anyway, or who'd been to see her...
You need to get on to the Social Work team asap to get an assessment completed. Navigating social care and understanding eligibility is complicated and time consuming, moving between authority areas increases the complexity tenfold. You may struggle to get either authority area to take much interest as both will be happy to say she s the responsibility of the other area. Everything will take much, much longer than you think it should
Be organised, tenacious and be prepared to nag. Keep a chronology of contacts, emails, calls and everything else between you and social work. Don't be shy getting on the phone and chasing stuff up. Unfortunately the it is the case that the clients who get the best outcomes are usually those who have the best family advocates.
Look at the care commission reports for any home you consider and go and talk to the home manager
IME the critical thing is the quality of the manager - don't be fobbed off with a charge nurse - its the manager that sets the tone
Visit the home and use your nose and eyes. a smell of urine means the home is badly run. another thing to check is the state of residents footwear - cleaning shoes / slippers is a task easily forgotton but a good home should do it. Also look for food stains on residents. You do not need to be obtrusive but you should be offered to see the sitting room so just have a glance at the residents to see. Its indicative of the level of care
You also tend to get what you pay for and there are some companies I would not let a relative of mine go in
also check if the home is constantly advertising for staff - a bad sign if they are
I have worked in a good few of the Edinburgh care homes - PM me if you want to know a bit more.
also check if the home is constantly advertising for staff – a bad sign if they are
I would usually agree with you but it is a hellish time in Social Care at the moment and everyone is advertising for staff. Current vacancies is unlikely to reflect on the quality of the home, instead it reflects wider pressures (Covid / Brexit etc)
Good point on admin. My brother and I already had LPOA (both health and financial). I used to file and record all my mum's bills and investments when I went to see her so they were in good order. Everything now comes to me directly - my mum gets the most post in the house!
I copy my brother on all significant moves of money e.g. closing a savings account, paying builder for maintenance of her house which is now rented out. We keep records of everything, much like work expenses. My brother does the tax return which is a pain as my mum goes by a different first name to her birth name - different first names from her council pension and state pension for example.
We've also had problems with KYC checks from existing accounts. If your MIL has a passport it's worth renewing as an identity document.
stevenmenmuir - I don't want to be pessimistic - but are you sure a son and grandchildren who visit 2x a year are going to be regular visitors in a home even if its round the corner? even when the person they've only seen a handful of times since she moved to Scotland can't remember who they are? In my experience, if the alzeimers is bad (and even if its not now, realistically its likely to get worse), she'll have no idea where she is. If it were my family, I'd not have too many worries about putting them in a good home, but I'd be reluctant to send them to the other end of the country unless I was really sure the family there were going to provide a better level of support.
Finally, you might want to seek advice on whether any powers of attorney you have are applicable in different jurisdictions - I know the exact processes are different for getting them in place. Do the rest of the family all share the same views on financial arrangements etc? (It amazes me - but apparently, it is not uncommon for some family members to be keener to protect the inheritance than make sure "Mum" has the best care possible to the end).
Depends very much who is paying. If you are self funding then just choose a place and crack on. If the LA is paying then I'd suggest getting the local assessment done and let them get her into somewhere locally and then try to move her back to the SW from there. That way, the local LA will have some motivation for getting her moved to the SW.
Having had both parents in care homes I feel your pain. Good luck.
Have you got a Power of Attorney for Health & Welfare if not you need one, and hopefully she is not too far into her dementia journey to be able to consent to one. You will need a financial one too in order to pay the bills and represent her in any financial assessments.
We went through this two years ago with my Dad, visit lots, turn up unannounced and ask for a look around. The good ones won't mind (I do realise that Covid makes this more difficult). Go into the communal areas, if there is a TV on too loud and a semi circle of chairs arranged around it, walk away.
Make sure the specialist dementia care unit is separate and secure, there always seems to be an escape committee in my Dad's home. One of the residents is particularly convincing and has duped new visitors into letting her out more than once.
My preference is for a more modern home, as the facilities tend to be purpose built, rather than bodging an old manor house to try and make it fit with modern H&S rules.
Get a care needs assessment done by the Local Authority before you have any conversations about finances.
Finally from a location point of view, you seem to be thinking about it in the right way, who will be able to see her and when. She will need to be in a place where she can get regular visitors.
The good news is that it is possible to live well with dementia. It is harder for you than it is for her.
Good luck with it all.
For the cost of a care home ( assuming self funding) you can buy a lot of home care. Just a thought but carers coming in to help plus an overnight sitter may alleviate the pressure on you and your other half
Thanks everybody. Most of what's been mentioned has been taken care of. Partner had POA before she moved four years ago. Social worker has assessed her and is helping with the short term local move. Regarding moving her down to the South West it is something we've thought long and hard about and whatever we do we don't feel there's a perfect solution. When we moved her up here we felt it was the best thing but it was probably not a good idea moving her away from friends, family, familiar surroundings. I think in 30 years time I don't think I'd take too kindly to moving almost 500 miles away from home. But we did what we thought was best at the time. BIL has checked out the place and is happy with it. It's going from a situation where my partner is with her mum 24/7 just now and has been for the last month and seeing her mum daily for the best part of two years, we haven't been away unless she's been at BIL's, to a situation where my partner and her mum hardly see each other. I'm not concerned about the BIL, he'll do what has to be done.
Also check visiting policy at the moment. We have to book in advance and are only allowed the two named visitors who have to LFT twice a week.
MIL moved into one about 2-3 years ago after a long spell in Hospital etc after an illness. She gave up trying to walk (stroke) so became bed bound. She's also very demanding, so no 'care' is good enough for her.
The home is lovely, some staff great, some not so. But MIL will 'make stuff up' or not be co-operative with staff as she's a stubborn old dear - she's all there mentally, but body is knackered.
Main issue is where is best for the home - we're all local so it's not an issue, but it may become difficult visiting if you are some distance away.
The above comment re home care and care home cost is spot on. We have twice daily carers for my mother, morning and evening at 30 mins each. That costs about half what a nursing home costs and we as a family are happy that should anything happen, like a fall, only 8 hours struggling.
So home help, a pendant for emergencies, cleaner, delivered hot food, I think we 're at c 20k pa plus the luxury of staying in her own home.
The carers we cancel when a family member visits, so maybe half the year we don't use them.
It's v hit and miss where you live, in a not so good area the carers are the same person every day, keen to work and q professional. My mate organised the same in a posh area, much more expensive and a newbie every visit who didn't know what to do so he spent ages training them. I have been there when the carer visits, in 30 mins they 've made the tea, supervised the shower, watered the plants and tidied the kitchen.
Good luck, we have a care home lined up but are in a sort of half way house atm.
She needs 24 hour supervision, she fell twice last week, luckily just skinned knees and nose but could easily have been worse. It's more advice on the actual move to and settling into the home and the separation aspect.
Ask about any organised activities appropriate to her state.
If she is in fast decline then a purpose built home with a specialised Dementia unit is probably best.
Key thing is having a relative close by with the love and commitment to visit more than once a week, and sort little things out, that improve quality of life. Close relative can notice things that even the best intentioned care staff do not tend to. So if your partner is close to her mother, it might be best to keep her close.