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Posting under a pseudonym but I am a regular poster.
I am currently in a bit of a dilemma due to one of my friends who is having an affair with another one of my friends.
They got together last year while we were all holidaying together.
The friend having the affair and his wife have recently had a baby. This information has only recently come to light after I was told by some one else. I don't have any connection to his wife to know otherwise.
Needless to say, his girlfriend is currently oblivious to his fatherhood and his wife has no idea he's having an affair.
His job allows him to lie to both women about where he is due to being away a lot.
Based on the above information do I:
a) do nothing and let the information come out by other means
b) tell my friend whom he's having the affair with
c) try to get him to come clean
I am erring towards option b but I wanted some moral guidance first from the hive.
d) Blackmail.
If the girl is your friend as well, tell him to be honest with her, or you'll tell her yourself.
Then never speak to him again, he sounds like a tosser.
Option C would be my approach.
kettles on, anyone got any bourbons?
a - Mind your own business
No good can come of it for you or anyone else
They are grown ups let them get on with it.
anonymoose - MemberThe friend having the affair and his wife have recently had a baby. This information has only recently come to light after I was told by some one else. I don't have any connection to his wife to know otherwise.
Not being funny but, are you really friends? Since he's had a baby and you didn't know.
He's away a lot? Is his wife fit?
he sounds like a shit. if you still want him as a friend, then c; if not, then b.
Not being funny but, are you really friends? Since he's had a baby and you didn't know.
I think that's just referred to as 'being a bloke' 😀
Is his wife attractive & are you single? Tell her, then offer a "shoulder" to cry on 😈
binners - Member
He's away a lot? Is his wife fit?
Is of course the CORRECT answer 🙂
Do they both know you know they're having an affair?
new baby complicates things somewhat though!He's away a lot? Is his wife fit?
I have no useful contribution to make™
Would lean towards (c).
Maybe point out you're extremely unhappy about your other friend being lied to and not knowing the truth about the whole situation. If that doesn't prod him into sorting something out, I'd be thinking about losing him as a friend anyway.
personally i wouldnt tell anyone, or persuade to come clean i dont think. id just tell him my thoughts and explain that you really dont like people who cheat on their partners, and that youre worried your friendship might be compromised because of these feelings.
just my initial thoughts anyway, im sure others will come along with some that makes more sense 🙂
lay a trap so the girlfriend catches him out...
sadexpunk speaks sense. One shouldn't take the moral high ground obviously but with a friend it's OK to ... maybe.
I would tell my friend in words of one syllable to stop messing around with the mother of his child.
If not then he would no longer be a friend of mine. And i would prepare to be there when his wifes world falls apart.
Been there, did nothing, lost 2 good friends.
Stay well out of it.
If you become involved you'll lose two freinds.
If you stay out of it you might keep one of them.
This information has only recently come to light after I was told by some one else. I don't have any connection to his wife to know otherwise.
So it's hearsay?
Tell your mate he's a **** and he should end the affair forthwith.
oh I forgot to mention, he doesn't know I know he's got a baby.
He's still a friend of mine even though he's kept this from me as he's obviously worried i'd tell his mistress!
Friends who aren't prepared to say it like it is in difficult situations like this aren't really friends. If he's heading for a complete disaster, you might be the only one who gives him the wake-up he needs.
So (C), I guess.
Do they both know you know they're having an affair?
This is critical.
If yes, then C. If no then A.
Stay the hell out of it. No good can happen here.
Tell your mate he's a ****
+1
[i]he doesn't know I know he's got a baby.
He's still a friend of mine even though he's kept this from me[/i]
If he didn't tell you he's become a father he's not your freind.
He's just an acquaintance (sp?).
He sounds like a right arsehole.
To all those saying stay out of it, if you were the woman who had just given birth to this guy's child, would you want to be told about it, or left blissfully unaware and be, as always, the last one to find out so that everyone can spend the next god knows how long talking about you behind your back?
I think you should grow a spine, tell his wife and then tell him to do one.
More pragmatically I would suggest C and structure the conversation around whether there is any good reason why he's cheating on his wife.
Do nowt but distrust him from now on would be my approach.
a) do nothing and let the information come out by other means
b) tell my friend whom he's having the affair with
c) try to get him to come clean
D. Steer well clear. I know some information told to me by a lad who laid two prossies whilst on holiday with his Wife. Put me in a awkward position but I've just avoided it. Its none of my business.
However if it was a best friend I'd quietly give counsel/tell him my thoughts.
"come out by other means"- to me means gossiping/loose with info. Stop all gossiping. Don't be part of it.
To all those saying stay out of it, if you were the woman who had just given birth to this guy's child, would you want to be told about it, or left blissfully unaware and be, as always, the last one to find out so that everyone can spend the next god knows how long talking about you behind your back?
There is however a chance that the affair will fizzle out and she will be none the wiser. Not an option if you blab.
Is an incredibly tough situation and not fair to put you in it. Where do your loyalties lie at the end of the day?
To all those saying stay out of it, if you were the woman who had just given birth to this guy's child, would you want to be told about it, or left blissfully unaware and be, as always, the last one to find out so that everyone can spend the next god knows how long talking about you behind your back?
Life isn't black and white though. I think in life you reach a moment of clarity when you realise relationships can be up/down/allover the place. Let others live their lives. Like I said- unless its a close friend, why is it your business to make their business yours?
When you have a baby- EVERYTHING gets thrown up in the air. Arguments, bickering, lack of sleep. Lots of people split >2yrs after a child is born.
I find the whole thing odd, not knowing your friend's wife was pregnant let alone having a baby. Seems an on odd thing for a friend not to know.
Is this linked to the Unburden thread
I've seen the messenger as the only one that gets shot in these situations a good few times.
They all end up kissing and making up and you're the bad bastard that stirred it up in the first place and now they're too embarrassed to speak to you any more.
Tell the girl, she might still be your friend since the guy clearly no longer is.
That approach works if you are moving in on the girl yourself I imagine.Tell the girl, she might still be your friend since the guy clearly no longer is.
If you are married/together, tell your OH. And ask her advice.
Although she may know already, women talk...
Why not send an anonymous email with a link to this thread sent to the Mistress telling her “You are the mistress in this situation, what would you like to happen?” she could then set up an anonymous user id and tell you anonymously. Perfect.
It's actually none of your business. But it tells you more about your friends honesty, values and integrity. Is such behaviour the qualities you seek in a friend?
[b]It's actually none of your business[/b]. But it tells you more about your friends honesty, values and integrity. Is such behaviour the qualities you seek in a friend
^^ This ^^
^^ Sounds similar to my situation. I distanced myself from the fella after it put me in a difficult position.
I would say it depends on how close you are. I would want a good friend of mine to tell me that I was acting like a selfish **** and risking turning my life into a soap opera, losing the chance to watch my child grow up.
I don't think i'd be speaking to the mistress or the blokes wife though.
whatever you decide to do, a hearty punch in the face is going to be the only surefire way to let him know that he's being a spoilt little brat by cheating on his wife when they've just had a new baby..
what a spineless toad..
so get that out of the way first.. make sure that it's your very best punch too please..
It's your duty I'm afraid, if he's a good friend he'll understand that you were obliged to do this..
then tell him you're prepared to give him a chance to sort it all out, otherwise you'll be putting an end to his silly games
then tell him you're prepared to give him a chance to sort it all out, otherwise you'll be putting an end to his silly games
Yep. Ultimatum him - "you tell all, or I will ..."
Where did the "unburden" thread go?
Oh and +1000000 for this...
what a spineless toad..
Based on personal experience in similar circumstances, I would adopt the DIY approach
D - Don't
I - Involve
Y - Yourself
It's is immensely difficult to be in this position, but you've got to harden your heart and turn your back on it. What your two friends get up to is ABSOLUTELY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Unless it directly affects you, which of course it doesn't.
Mouth shut, fingers in ears, blindfold on. Head down, arse up. Get on with YOUR life and leave them to it.
Do nothing. People have sex with people, deal with it. If you're not one of the people, it really isn't your affair(pun not intentional, this time).
Why not post the details on a bike forum and let a load of bikers discuss the relative merits of what to do.
Strangely it does help .
Millions of people have affairs that cause absolutely no damage to anyone. What causes damage is people sticking in their oars and squealing on people or guilt ridden people confessing their sins.
I don't agree with cheating and wouldn't do it but I wouldn't ever presume to get involved in other peoples business on the grounds that it's none of mine.
You should stay well out of it.
A good test I would put in place would be if "I knew my Friend had a baby or not".
If I did know I would have a chat with him and try and open his eyes to what a plonker he was being and what he was risking.
If I didn't know he had a baby I would realise I am merely an aquintance and that I should mind my own bloody business.
Along time ago my partners friends OH was playing around and I was the new kid on the block having not been with my partner that long. In the circle of friends everyone knew except his wife. It all came out one night at a party when someone slipped up and ended very messily.
Leave well alone or tell him to sort his shit out.
Millions of people have affairs that cause absolutely no damage to anyone. What causes damage is people sticking in their oars and squealing on people or guilt ridden people confessing their sins.
Hmmm, nowt to do with all the lying then?
Life isn't black and white though.
Think it's fairly black and white that this guy is a tosser:
I know some information told to me by a lad who laid two prossies whilst on holiday with his Wife.
Personally I would lean towards the tell him he's being a **** option.
DO NOTHING.. who are you to interfer with others lifes.. do you know for an absolute fact that the partner knows nothing.. one of my friends is married to a lady who is fully aware and accepts his weekend relationship with a lady 20 years younger.. and has done for many years.. its only now becoming messy as he is very ill and each wants time with him.
*skip to the end*
Have we starting guessing who it is yet?
Not having read any of the thread, I will go with ...[b][Redacted - Mods][/b]
If someone I loved was playing away, I'd want to know.
And if I found out that mates knew but hadn't told me, I'd be very annoyed indeed.
Ohhh I've just finished my biscuits and I guess I should get another cup of tea.
Carry on, as you were.
I'd say neither a, b or c.
What you should be doing is having a word with your mate, explaining the devastation this will cause to all 3 parties and the kid when the inevitable happens and they all find out, and that he should be knocking it on the head.
It's not for you to tell the other parties and be part of the unravelling of their lives, just as it is not your place to tell him to 'fess up. Maybe just guide him to making the right choice and try to resolve all this without too much destruction.
Just my thoughts on how I would handle it - and yes it could be said it is the less than 100% totally honest way, but does "full disclosure" in this case really have any benefit?
This guy sounds like a massive turd
I'd do
What you should be doing is having a word with your mate, explaining the devastation this will cause to all 3 parties and the kid when the inevitable happens and they all find out, and that he should be knocking it on the head.
Not sure I'd ever talk to him again after that, full stop.
Here's a little tale. My best friend growing up and his girl (who was also a good friend) split up. He wasn't exactly faithful throughout their relationship (I was constantly telling him to wise up) but they split after over 10 years together. On a night out, she confessed to me that she'd been seeing one of his 'mates' behind his back (she went into[i] a lot[/i] of detail). I think she was hoping i'd tell my him, but I didn't see any point in hurting him as he was struggling to come to grips with his situation, so I said nothing. That is until a few years later, when they decided to go again. I told him what had happen previously and he went mad and confronted her. She denied it all (and called me a liar) and he believed her. They got back together again - for a little while. I lost what I considered to be two good friends, as they haven't spoke to me since.
Long story short. Unless you want involved in the soap opera that will follow, stay out of it.
As if life isn't complicated enough already, some people just have to find out how much more complicated they can make it for themselves.
My guess is that he is on that learning curve and it will all come out at some point by way of an un-deleted text or email or faceache faux pas.
On the whole I would suggest you stay out of it, apart from subtly suggesting to him as a 'friend' that if he hasn't done so already, he had better get an exit strategy prepared. He will need it.
You should always jump into a raging river to save a child.
..but never pry into other peoples private lives.
I've heard alot of stuff over the years from friends. It stays counsel/unspoken.
He's still a friend of mine even though he's kept this from me
Either;
- they clearly don't consider you a friend.
- you are the sort of inadequate that considers the bloke in your corner shop your friend on the basis you see him once a week to buy a pint of milk from and he says hello.
- you are or are considering playing away.
Similar situation here with the neighbours. Neighbour had affair with friend of ours who subsequently divorces her own husband but shacks up with another different guy. Neighbour is devastated and weeping all over our kitchen table.
I've told him to just go away and I want nothing to do with him again. Haven't said anything to other parties. He subsequently has decided to move away with his wife. Lost a friend but really good riddance.
Say what you need to say to feel at peace with yourself is my advice.
Robbo the woman sounds like she has spring-loaded legs.
Millions of people have affairs that cause absolutely no damage to anyone. What causes damage is people sticking in their oars and squealing on people or guilt ridden people confessing their sins.
Its only "not a problem" because they dont know not because its OK.
Is stealing ok if you dont get caught?
If it was me and my partner was having an affair and everyone knew and no one told me i have been wronged by more than one person.
I would speak to the mate [ person you vaguely know] - possibly following Yunkis advice and give him an ultimatum
Having been there and done it [ the telling] you will lose "friends" but that was no bad thing as they had broken moral compasses if they thought i was the bad guy.
It stays counsel/unspoken.
and good counsel in this instance almost certainly involves a good solid bop on the nose* (if you are any sort of friend at all)
*a good knee in the goolies will suffice if you're worried about how his wife will react to him coming home with his eye in a sling..
Don't say a word.
The messenger always gets shot.
You may not know the whole story (Obviously, as you didn't know about the pregnancy)
Keep out of it, keep your big mouth shut.
I'm in the middle of something like this - as a confidante.
My mature and adult reaction was to cover my ears and run around in a circle shouting lalalalalalalalalalalala
WTF do you want me to know for ? A problem shared is a funking burden on someone else who now has a moral dilemma ! I used words like disappointed, disgusted, appalled and then climaxed with "It will end in tears and could be a childs eye. You might as well go whole hog and eat a dolphin with swan sauce."
You might as well go whole hog and eat a dolphin with swan sauce
Mmmmmm hog and dolphin in swan sauce
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hora - Member
You should always jump into a raging river to save a child.
..but never pry into other peoples private lives.I've heard alot of stuff over the years from friends. It stays counsel/unspoken.
+10000000
You might not approve of your mates conduct, if he asks your opinion tell him, but that's it...
This is a mess for those involved to deal with (or not) as they see fit.
OP it's not your problem, you didn't create the situation, you're not directly affected by the outcome so just stay well clear...