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A breadstick? Up your arse? Surely the definition of a crumb of discomfort?
🙂
Twiglets aren't long enough.
We thought about a Flake, but it's harder to tell which end is safe to eat.
Don't use a courgette. An A&E doctor friend of mine informed me that they are bastards to get out should they snap.
It was a very entertaining evening in the pub where she listed all the things that she had pulled out of people's arse holes and all the excuses for them being up there in the first place.
A can of Monster energy drink.
Only came to the attention of staff when they heard a scream, followed by a clunk as it hit the pan.
Allegedly.
all the things that she had pulled out of people’s arse holes
There is a PhD here somewhere.
ring bound?
Speaking of bogs.. I've just had to refit the seat of my throne, off-center to make it straight.
Moved in about a year ago and the seat was too far back and slightly off to one side, which annoys the crap out of me, but it's one of those jobs you only remember you need to do whilst on the job, so to speak.
Anyway I dismantled it today and the part of the bracket attached to the porcelain had a choice of 5 holes for the bolts each side, allowing for some adjustment. Imagine the No.5 configuration on a dice.. like this...
Excellent I thinks, the holes in the bog are 'square', the bog seat is square, so ill just move it forward a bit rather than using the central mounting hole.
Nope, still wonky, but sat further forward so a partial result.
To get the actual seat straight side to side, I had to use off-center holes. As in rear left and rear left, rather than rear left and rear right...
I have no idea why this is so. Nothings bent or damaged and all the holes and fixtures look 'square' in terms of they should line up the seat and throne top perfectly, yet they do not.
It was a very entertaining evening in the pub where she listed all the things that she had pulled out of people’s arse holes and all the excuses for them being up there in the first place.
One of those things I'd love to hear, but no way am I googling for any prerecorded versions....
Not really a crap design but an interesting mode of failure... I had a wooden loo seat that the wood had split along the grain. Unapparent to the casual observer as the split was held closed under tension. However put a bit of weight on it, with say, a bare arse and the crack would open a little. Just enough take a little, sharp bite of flesh when you stood up again.
On the ‘getting paid to pop’ thing. Many moons ago I worked in an open plan office in London, where it gradually became common knowledge that one particular colleague was in the habit of spending an inordinate amount of time at the coalface, sometimes being spotted in possession of a book whilst en route (this being before smartphones where a thing).
Unsurprisingly it didn’t take long for a sweepstake to be organised and we spent many happy weeks with a stopwatch and a spreadsheet, waiting each day to see if/when he would break the fabled 30min barrier.
In fact he proved to be more of a high achiever than we’d given him credit for, topping out at 53 minutes before the general downturn in productivity alerted senior management and his attempt at the hour record was cut frustratingly short.
No idea what happened to him. Probably a CEO somewhere. And to my utter regret I’m unable to say whether he was a stander or indeed a scruncher..
5 pages on toilets and no mention of Picolax....
And never Heard of standing up.
Having recently done my own research (as the tin foil hat brigade urge us to), I am unsure as to which camp I belong in. I certainly don't stay sitting, but wouldn't describe my position as standing either.
Starting with the traditional elbows on knees opening position, I progress by straightening my knees ever so slightly. Ankles and hips maintain the same angles as during opening position. Thus my weight is smoothly transferred to my feet leaving me in a very slightly off the seat position I like to think of as the Skier's Gambit.
Obviously folded paper*, hopefully two passes with a discrete mid term fold to do my bit for the planet.
*I'm not an animal.
which annoys the crap out of me
So maybe that was the point of it.
sometimes being spotted in possession of a book whilst en route
When I was in local government it was clear who was off to the bog by the rolled up newspaper under the arm.
Starting with the traditional elbows on knees opening position
I appreciate that for most people the sample size of evidence for your tradition is rarely considerably higher than "one," but either you're in no way being traditional or I'm not.
That sounds like the sort of behaviour that leads to a devil's bran muffin being powerwashed up the underside of the lid.
I guess i'm lucky in being quite tall, so the average bog kinda puts me into a semi-crouched position anyway.
Apparently this is a good position for the evacuation of the lower bowels without resorting to undue straining.
I wonder if there's a correlation between sit-to-wipers and cyclists able to check traffic behind then without the aid of mirrors?
Standers are all anti-vaxxers. There, I've said it.
The semi stand up -mini crouch requires a certain degree of leg stregnth I suppose, hahah!
Our downstairs trap is a crap design. The back wall slopes, so the foot of the cliff is further out to sea than the top.
A harmless bit of design flair you would think. However, unless I modify Opening Position into Italian Sports Car Slouch one's anatomy fires the charge against the sloping cliff face, creating a mudslide effect that often stays proudly up for inspection out of the water.
Fortunately the extractor fan switch is just in reach from the driver's seat.
What a time to be alive.
Our downstairs trap is a crap design. The back wall slopes, so the foot of the cliff is further out to sea than the top.
A harmless bit of design flair you would think. However, unless I modify Opening Position into Italian Sports Car Slouch one's anatomy fires the charge against the sloping cliff face, creating a mudslide effect that often stays proudly up for inspection out of the water.
Fortunately the extractor fan switch is just in reach from the driver's seat.
What a time to be alive.
@oldnick this could constitute another requirement for the Bob Mortimer reverse toileting method.
I do hope you are all using your toilet step squatting stool stool
Our staff loo at school in the science area has a disconnected cistern in it with a big sticker saying asbestos. The cistern has been wrapped up with cling film, but only I note on 3 sides.
That stool thing... You could also fix it to the ceilings and go whilst dangling like one of the more flamboyant orangutans that I once saw at Monkey World.
A bit like doing a chin-up. I think that you have to be able to do that to get into one of the more specialist units of the Royal Marines.
Never understood the sitters when your average away game lavatory resembles this.
Squatting is good for efficiency and leg strength. Use it or lose it.
It's like Bob Marley said.
You need your unicorn for a riktig squatta-potty
When I was in local government it was clear who was off to the bog by the rolled up newspaper under the arm.
Another of those long-standing traditions that is now lost to us, crushed under the wheels of the mobile phone juggernaut 🙁
The semi stand up -mini crouch requires a certain degree of leg stregnth I suppose,
Another of those long-standing traditions that is now lost to us, crushed under the wheels of the mobile phone juggernaut 🙁
I wonder what percentage of the content of this forum has been written in work time on the loo.
I'm not sure how I feel about "anti-vaxxers" becoming a casual insult....
I wonder if there’s a correlation between sit-to-wipers and cyclists able to check traffic behind then without the aid of mirrors?
Just need to mod a Garmin Varia ….
I do hope you are all using your toilet step squatting stool stool
As an ex-nurse I thought you might have favoured the teaspoon method.
The first rule of contracting, son. Never have a shit on your own time.
Absolutely. 10 minutes a day on the office loo gives you at least an extra week of paid non-working time for the year.
Two long weekends in a row is presenting some issues but there's a principle at stake here.
Next question...obviously asking for a friend...what is your communal throne preparation routine? Flush? Wipe seat? Toilet paper on the seat as a barrier against a cold seat? Paper in the pan to prevent splashback? Having spent this morning in stitches at this thread I felt it prudent to further clarify the relevant techniques 😬
Starting with the traditional elbows on knees opening position
With hands clasped behind neck if attempting to discharge a particularly large specimen.
Paper in the pan to prevent splashback?
A dearly departed friend of mine who told the funniest anecdotes at parties, told me of his difficulties performing said rituals at a new workplace. He was the new guy in a sign making company and a bit nervous so tried to avoid using the throne at work. When a day came that he couldn’t avoid it he was so worried about making any noise he developed a technique to catch his parcel in a TP cradle and then lower it to the depths. Absolute craziness, but impressive fortitude.
My workplace had 5 urinals fitted. 3 on one wall. 2 on the wall next to it. They’re positioned so that the corner spot takes up two of them.
The bogs at my uni were like this, some modular design with urinals along one wall and sinks along the wall at right angles, then the cubicles against the other wall, opposite the urinals.
The end urinal clashed with the end sink, i.e. the sink was actually partially over the urinal.
The other end sink made the cubical door uncloseable.
So we raised a complaint, and they came along and removed a urinal and rehung the cubical door so it swung the other way.
The cubicle door you now needed to be some sort of a contortionist or 6 stone to get past it.
And they removed the urinal *AT THE WRONG END OF THE ROW*.
With hands clasped behind neck if attempting to discharge a particularly large specimen.
Ew. One of my sojourns to our unisex toilets during COVID, when the office was empty i heard an almighty grunt of effort and a little squawk of pain followed by the most deafening ka-plunk as the specimen broke surface tension in the bowl.
Unfortunately, we both opened the cubical doors at the same time.
I've been working with the poor woman for nearly 15 years.
She's still a little off with me, nearly 2 years later.
Talking of all things poop related, this is hilarious. Double-entendre heaven...about 14:10 😂
Sitters are all flat earthers!
Sitters are all flat earthers!
Sheeple vaxxers too 🤣🤣🤣