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Stayed in a hotel in Rome where the angle and force of the jet from the bidet was almost enough to enable you to hover.
You can keep your forrin ideas off this thread.
If the garden hose was good enough for grandad during the war...
If you are having particular issues with stubborn... material, maybe consider upgrading your bidet like this Australian did:
OK, so never having used one, what is bidet etiquette?
Do you shuffle from loo to bidet with your trousers round your ankles? Thus spreading it everywhere, if the sitters are to be believed.
Do you wipe then sluice, thus duplicating work?
🤷♂️
I would have thought it prudent to have a bit of a wipe first. You wouldn't jet wash the patio whist it was still covered in leaves would you?
You would do if you were too lazy to sweep the leaves first
I’d use a leaf blower
The other divisive option on this theme is fold or scrunch. I'll out myself now as a folder. I believe my wife's a scruncher and is why we use so much damn bog roll.
It would be an interesting poll to find out what the sit/stand/fold/scrunch venn diagram looks like. ;o)
I go at cleaning my balloon knot like a rugby scrum
Stand, crouch, spread, engage!
The other divisive option on this theme is fold or scrunch. I’ll out myself now as a folder. I believe my wife’s a scruncher and is why we use so much damn bog roll.
Definitely a folder. That way you can ensure sufficient coverage so as to provide an adequate protective shield around your fingers.
If you're just scrunching it up and shoving it in then anything could end up touching anything.
Not a shitter, but this is my favourite urinal, looking out onto an Andorran ski piste. Thats me btw, I wasn't taking a photo of some random pissing!
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Just a minute - all you lot that don't know how to wipe your own arses - you wear cycling shorts with no underwear ... ? 🙁
Removable liner innit.
Squatting loos make life easier during both evacuation and clean up if you remain in the squat throughout, ime.
You do have to make sure your dropped trousers are well out of the blast zone though or you're left no better off than if you just poo'd in your pants.
Well at least your arse is behind you. Ads up there seems to be pissing up a window whilst stood next to a urinal.
😂 There are 2 urinals!
You would do if you were too lazy to sweep the leaves first
Depends if you are standing or seated to sweep....
I’d have pushed it further
Hang on… are you flossing?
To be fair, I’ve never considered you to be Peak STW, you’re usually a voice of tolerance and reason. Which is a pretty radical opinion on here!
And me you - which is why I am having to try really hard not to other you as result of your deviant wiping habits 🙂
"Even good people do bad things"
How the hell do you stop it going everywhere as you stand?
Well my sphincter tends to close when I've finished, so it's not as though I'm going to dribble whilst standing. Oh and speaking of standing, it's not bolt upright, to attention, buttocks clenched, but nor is it sitting down.
Oh and I've just had this discussion with my other half and it appears she is a sitter.
Stander here.
I'd have to dislocate my wrist to reach under and rummage.
Scruncher too. Folding just gives one flat face to go at it.
I've been WFH for three years now with just the odd visit to the office and I am out of practice with shitting in a work's toilet. I went in on Tuesday and got the call to empty. The traps either side of me were deployed and I felt ever so conscious of my pre-stool overture. Almost trying to suppress the pops and squeaks as the 10:05 multiple unit from Colon approached the station. Hitherto, I'd been proud of my gas powered preamble and positively beaming with satisfaction and pride as I dropped my books in the pond for all to hear.
Perhaps I need a few sessions of CBT to get me back to my old ways. At 54 I shouldn't be embarrassed about these things. Covid 19 has a lot to answer for.
The traps either side of me were deployed and I felt ever so conscious of my pre-stool overture
Walk away. No way on earth that is okay, clench and come back when neighbouring traps are vacant.
Conversely, if you are the first one in take the middle trap and shit like a boss.
Extra points if you hear someone else come in, assess the occupancy levels, and walk back out.
The traps either side of me were deployed and I felt ever so conscious of my pre-stool overture. Almost trying to suppress the pops and squeaks as the 10:05 multiple unit from Colon approached the station. Hitherto, I’d been proud of my gas powered preamble and positively beaming with satisfaction and pride as I dropped my books in the pond for all to hear.
"Like someone blowing a tuba full of live salmon"
I've reached the age where even when weeing, the effort to squeeze the last drops out can sometimes lead to "trumpet involuntary". Thankfully, I'm also of an age where styling it out with an appropriate phrase is OK. eg: a bit more choke and it would have started.
Fortunately I'm not yet of the age where that could lead to a substantive escape. Sympathy to sufferers of IBS, etc. wife has it from time to time and know the problems it can cause so not meant to be anything other than base toilet humour.
In a former workplace there were 2 traps, one was occupied but the need was strong so I took the other one. What i expected to be the equivalent of hannahs meat sweats bowl buster was in fact an entire digestive tract full of pressurised gas. It was loud and proud, and went on for a good few minutes. When the chap next door was done I heard the distinctive metal clicky heels on his shoes - it was the bloke from the office next to ours so I knew who it was. He took his time to wash his hands, clearly intrigued as to who was the artiste giving the masterclass next to him. The heels then clicked out of the lavs but I could still hear him clicking up and down in the hallway outside, lurking. Eventuality I figured the coast was clear so bailed out and went straight upstairs to take the long way back to the office.
5 minutes after getting back, the door opens and in comes Mr clicky and says "lads - you'll never guess what I just heard...". I never confessed!
tjagainFull Member
This forum has taken a decidedly scatalogical turn recently.
No shit, Sherlock.
Wow, this thread is another of those "really, I didn't know that" reads
> Really, some people stand up to wipe their arse
> Really, some people wear underwear under their chamois cycling shorts !!
> Really, Soft cells, tainted love was a cover !!
But involving an iPad in your dump process is just wrong 🙂
Take the middle cubicle, sit down, let rip and assert your dominance!
As some who has ibs I cannot afford to be a bog wallflower. Extra points for making them laugh and even more points for making them gag.
Like someone blowing a tuba full of live salmon
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Really, Soft cells, tainted love was a cover !!
Not sure that was this thread, but soft toilet paper is I suppose a form of tain't love?
Thread of The Week!
I'd invite you all round to celebrate, but you lot aren't going anywhere near my bathroom.
Oh go on - I have just had a medical diagnosis of " full of shit" I really need someone elses cludgy to use one I have had my meds 🙂
Every single one of us could’ve gave you that diagnosis years ago TJ
:love:
Oh and speaking of standing, it’s not bolt upright, to attention, buttocks clenched, but nor is it sitting down.
This! I'm also stand / sit agnostic, but when "standing" it's more of a lift, knees at 90 to 135 degrees sort of pose.
FWIW I'm also in the "folding" group, my wife is in the "scrunching" and she uses a lot more toilet paper than me. While we're sharing, I'm trying to discourage my 10-year-old son from employing a techniqe that involves taking several sheets of paper at once, like his mum, but then folding and wiping, like me, BUT then folding over and wiping again, and repeating until either he's clean or runs out of paper.
We've called this technique the "Shiss Roll". :/
I’m trying to discourage my 10-year-old son from employing a techniqe that involves taking several sheets of paper at once... BUT then folding over and wiping again, and repeating until either he’s clean or runs out of paper
There's nothing wrong with saving paper. Why would you have an issue with his doing this?
I’m trying to discourage my 10-year-old son from employing a techniqe that involves taking several sheets of paper at once… BUT then folding over and wiping again, and repeating until either he’s clean or runs out of paper
Agreed with the above - no need to waste paper with profligate abandon
Take two sheets, fold into thirds, prevents "punch through" while offering plenty of surface area, and may still allow a futher fold for a second go
Double dipping? Ewww.
It is not often I am properly shocked, but the idea of grown ups standing up to wipe their arse has completely skewered me. WTAF?
I don't understand this. Like, if it's a ghost shit then sure, but surely if it's a moist one then standing up just compresses your bum cheeks together for maximum dispersal.
The next question to be asked, because it was once a debate had Chez BH, is, back to front or front to back…?
Outer rim to centre. Have you never mopped up a (non-arse-related) stain? You want to remove, not redistribute.
Like someone blowing a tuba full of live salmon
Properly gave me the giggles, that did. 👏👏
In related news,
I'm usually fairly normal in the toilet department but I was unusually constipated this morning. It was like King Kong's finger when it finally broke the seal.
About average then
How big is King Kongs finger?
but surely if it’s a moist one then standing up just compresses your bum cheeks together for maximum dispersal.
I think this depends on your physiology.
There is a PhD here somewhere.
may still allow a further fold for a second go
This thread just keeps on shocking me.
On page 2, Bassmandon posted a survey. That is showing 27% of those who answered stand up to wipe their arse. 27%.
Mind
Blown.
They walk among us............
Well I've just had a damascene moment. Not thinking about this thread I went for a poo. To my amazement I discovered that my first wipe isn't standing up, it's a squat slightly raised from the seat. I previously had no idea. I do whoever do the final polish whilst standing, though again to be accurate a sort of stooped standing, legs slightly akimbo.
Anyway:
They walk among us…………
... carefully, I'd imagine.
There’s nothing wrong with saving paper. Why would you have an issue with his doing this?
I don't disagree with saving paper. My issue with him doing this, without going into graphic details, is that the squishy creation he ends up with usually necessitates further paper use, AND washing his hands very thoroughly without touching anything else first. Which, being a 10-year-old boy, he's not great at.
Given their subsequent career directions, easy to forget how good Armstrong & Miller were.
What a great thread 😂 I'm a half stander/croucher. Enough to allow proper clearance for the paper wielding hand without having to perform wrist contortions inside the bowl, but not enough to allow cheek compression before everything is spick and span.
My chief worry when launching a dreadnought in a public convenience, is the dreaded 'Neptune's kiss'.
I’ve now tried standing and can honestly say it’s not that bad. Still prefer sitting mind. To really freak people out I don’t like standing to piss. Try it wearing shorts and it dawns on you that piss will get on you. Piss legs or piss pants? I’ll take sitting instead.
I find it difficult to take a wazz sitting down without my inner monologue going "Bruce Lee - sit-down wee!" in Harry Hill's voice. So I usually stand up as I cannot ****ing abide Harry Hill.
dangeourbrain
Full Member
Then who gives a shit? I mean literally, who goes for a poo at the office instead of the comfort of their own home?
The first rule of contracting, son. Never have a shit on your own time.
Back to crap design.
My workplace had 5 urinals fitted. 3 on one wall. 2 on the wall next to it. They're positioned so that the corner spot takes up two of them. And then the sinks were fitted the same way. On top of that, almost all of the urinals leak.
A highly entertaining thread. My next question when it comes to Crap Design is......why is that for just about every collective crapping area that having done one's business - number one or two -, and washed one's hands, the fact that the door opens INWARDS requires one to use previously cleaned hands to grasp a handle which may have been used by someone with a lower level of personal hygiene and hasn't paid a visit to the wash basin.
Our genderless office toilet used to open straight onto the corridor. The room was narrow but very long so the door felt like it was 10m away. It way possible to sit down without then getting up to triple check the door was locked.
Those train bogs with the big curving automatic doors are the worst. A couple of times now I've gone to use one, pressing the button to open it, only to find some poor sod crimping one off with their keks around their ankles as the door swishes open because they've forgotten to press the lock button. I have woken up in a cold sweat from nightmares where the roles are reversed. "Tonight Mathew, I'm going to lay cable on the overcrowded 17:10 from Euston to Crewe, in front of an appreciative audience of lagered up footy fans".
Page 3 of this thread is magnificent. Never has the like button been so hammered by so many
What a thread, mine eyes have been opened and my flabber is well and truly gasted.
Given that as every fule kno the sumo squat is by far the most efficacious position for effecting a smooth exit, it follows that the natural cheeks wide open position thus created is similarly ideal for the efficient cleaning of the target area. Of course, the partial buttock lift whilst being sat on the seat is the closest that your average Northern European is going to get to that. Standing up will just lead to unnecessary cross buttock interfacing which will surely result in the peanut butter getting spread all over the counter. And other than those with very particular tendencies, nobody wants that. Enough said.
However, developing a 360degree approach to wiping is not something I’ve previously considered. I’ll be running a random controlled trial later and will report back in due course.
Scrunching??? Whaaaat?!?
I had a horrible dream last night. I was back at work, went for a quiet read and all the cubicles were sporting massive turds - even the shower tray! Some people.
Don’t get me started on that! How can people not notice that they’ve left a massive turd in the bowl.
The train bog thing - why are they designed with a shallowly sloping bowl so that anyone with a todger longer than about an inch will have their tackle resting on the installation?
… so, the Bob Mortimer reverse approach. Anyone else owning up to that?
On a thread about anal activity I had to re-read 'having their button hammered by so many' a second time to make sure it hadn't taken a different turn.
I think my greatest achievement was waking up with a thumping hangover and making pizza toast with some bolognaise sauce that was of unknown age, then having several cups of coffee to try and wake up. About an hour later I realized it was about to erupt, just made it to the bog, my arse barely touched the seat before it all let go. I shat so hard that the rusty brown water bounced back up off the bowl and, as well as splattering my arse, hit the bottom edge of the toilet seat and got forced out the gap between that and the rim of the bowl. I didn't notice that at the time as I was staggering off to shower all the shit off my bum, but I came back a couple of hours later to take a leak and lifted the toilet seat, only to be greeted by encrusted shit everywhere and some embryonic shit stalactites hanging off the outside of the rim.
Thanks for that. When watching sci-fi I'm never going to be able to hear "the outer rim" in quite the same light again.
Don’t get me started on that! How can people not notice that they’ve left a massive turd in the bowl.
Floaters? Do you wait around, then go back and check post-flush?
The train bog thing – why are they designed with a shallowly sloping bowl so that anyone with a todger longer than about an inch will have their tackle resting on the installation?
Don't you get that issue on all toilets? 😁
Don’t get me started on that! How can people not notice that they’ve left a massive turd in the bowl.
Sometimes it's like trying to flush Nordstream 2 - the power of water alone ain't gonna shift it. Many office bogs don't have the right utensils to tackle such a beast, and even if they do have a bog brush do you want to contemplate the farage that will be lurking underneath it?
You know those dispensers that send the paper out of some little cats-arse via the middle of the roll?
Where I used to work, the dispensers *were* all configured as ‘cat’s arsehole’. I found that the clip on the work-issued pass holders was just the right size to open the lock on the dispenser to allow them to be reconfigured as ‘trap door’.
I’m proud of my contribution to humanity.
(Paid to poop? Definitely! / Sitter / Folder)
I was amazed to discover, here I think , that there are males who sit to pee! Why do you think you have legs and a sprayer?
Alright , when you are too drunk to stand up then it is a safe bet but otherwise? Surely not.
The seated wee is useful in many occasions - the middle of the night when you don't want to turn the light on, when wearing pale trousers, and of course to deal with a [url= http://tmoliff.blogspot.com/2012/05/humby-n.html?m=1 ]humby[/url]
Floaters? Do you wait around, then go back and check post-flush?
Yes because flushing takes a couple of seconds.
I was amazed to discover, here I think , that there are males who sit to pee! Why do you think you have legs and a sprayer?
I do sometimes because of the second bit, the spray. No matter how accurate you think you are you’re going to get piss on your trousers! Also I’m in my mid 40’s with young kids so will take any opportunity for a nice sit down.
Also I’m in my mid
40’s50's withyoung kidsteenagers so will take any opportunity for a nice sit down.
This. It is my sanctuary.
On a related subject, we were recently discussing in work the best way to insert a suppository into the Gary of one reluctant to do the job (sic) themselves.
We decided that a breadstick is the best tool. If you break off and dispose of the soiled end you're left with something to nibble on whilst waiting for the inevitable poonami.
Christ, this is the thread that just keeps giving.
Christ, this is the thread that just keeps giving.
Across the land, middle aged men are experimenting with new ways of wiping their bums.