Midlife Crisis

Though obviously what you need here is a cat.

Been told we can't have a cat until OHs cat who lives with her parents dies because she'd feel like she was replacing him.

You... can't replace him until you are actually replacing him?

Is it possible for a third of life crisis? I’m 31 and after finally getting on the property ladder and gaining seniority in my career I find myself at a loss as to what my goals are in life now.

If you try hard enough at work, you might die early and it'll actually be a mid-life crisis. Lots of bacon, chips, and beer will help too.

You don’t want kids at the moment, but who knows in the future. When I met my wife I was 31 and she was 29. She said the she didn’t and I wasn’t particularly bothered either way. That changed in our forties and two months before I was 45 my son was born. For you it may not change, but my point is not to lock your future into your current situation.

A lot of the things people are saying they are doing are not really a crisis though are they.  Having more time and money and spending it on what you want is not a crisis, it is a good thing.

A crisis suggests you are not really yourself and try to be something that you are not or have never been in a desperate  last bid.

The term is old though, from a time when most men followed a typical path of work, marriage, kids, football and pub on a Saturday and two week in the sun in the summer. Life is much different now and it’s more accepted to want be on a different path. Trouble is we fear change and it gets scary looking into the unknown. There was a comment earlier that we’re the same person we always were, but I disagree. Life changes us and our outlook, for the better or worse and we need to accept that change. The midlife crisis is the realisation of this and how we deal with it. Whether that’s embracing the new us or avoiding it and indulging in (insert cliche here).

I find myself at a loss as to what my goals are in life now.

Goals are over rated and pushed massively by social media.

You need to be doing X by Y age etc. Then you'll start watching 'we bought this 70's do-er upper for £5 and look how amazing it is now' reels on Instagram. That make you more insecure. 🙂

Being an aimless drifter is under rated. Just do what you fancy when you fancy it. You are at the prime time of life for this.

You don’t want kids at the moment, but who knows in the future.

I understand what you're getting at and it's probably a good point, but I really dislike this argument. "You say you don't want kids, but you do really, it's different when it's your own."

My first ever girlfriend was getting nudged in the ribs by nans wanting great grandchildren when we were 20. Bugger off. She never wanted children, nor did I, we're both now in our 50s and that hasn't changed. Her sister on the other hand has two or three now I think.

One person's lifestyle decisions may differ from another's, and that's OK.

Being an aimless drifter is under rated.

True, it can sometimes feel like not having an identity though. Bikes have been the one consistent thing through my adult life but the way cycling culture is these days is far from what I knew for most of that time.

You… can’t replace him until you are actually replacing him?

It made sense to her, apparently...

I recognise that. So much going on, so much I'm rather worried about or saw differently.

We bought a camper van. And use it as much as we can. There's intense discussion about taking a grey gap year shortly.

I thought I wanted an Elise. But now I'm more thinking a Saab Sonnet v4.

One person’s lifestyle decisions may differ from another’s, and that’s OK.

Yep, this is a fair point. I think it's a "know yourself" thing.

I knew that I'd never get to the point where I'd want to give up a childless happy life, for babies. But, I recognised that me being me, if I didn't have kids that I could pour my incredible talent and opinions into 😉 I would just spend several decades of my life sort of eating myself from the inside out. I wouldn't find long-term structure, I could foresee that much.

The kids are awesome now and enrich my life, proper little buddies. But I can absolutely support people coming to other conclusions - my views were in a huge part about me, not any kind of altruism.

I had one at 26; giving up a sport, job, partner and country. Or was it just part of a subconscious plan in that I'd picked up the knowledge that allowed me to do it over a long time. The classic midlife crisis things I could do now really don't appeal. I really don't want to be that ageing peacock in a Porsche/Lotus/flashy impractical polluting anti-social car. I don't want to be that old couple with the table and chairs outside the camper van staring at Facebook on their mobile phones. A world cruise on a prison ship, no thanks. I'm quite happy and I think it would take something from outside to change that rather than something from within.

To the OP, because a lot of the above aren't really midlife crisis.. where are you at  - I'm divorced, my kids are getting older and you get this nagging fear that you can't do fun things for as long as you can.  I'm not suddenly going to get an amazing career - doesn't happen in your late 50's.

So what do you think does define you, what do you want to do? What are you going to change to be where you want to be?

So what do you think does define you, what do you want to do? What are you going to change to be where you want to be?

If I had the answers to these questions I wouldn't be here! Early 30's, had kids young so they are now 16 and 10. Used to be very much defined by work, less so now. Pretty well off financially, own our suburban terrace. Life is comfortable but functional. Everything is functional.