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A couple of things I've found interesting on the interwebs related to being a man, both converging I think, but from quite different places.
First is an article on pysche.co too many men lack close friendships.
And the second, youtuber JimmyTheGiant. Quite interesting chap, although I'm not quite 100% sure about him. I've watched half his video on how self help radicalized young men and started how I escaped the alt-right pipeline.
Seems to be in the right place so far, both presenting positive ways of being a man without being a dick about it, which, lets be honest, when in a dark place, can feel like all men are total and complete utter &*(%$&*()%$ dicks, at times.
I identify with the close friends bit. I am lucky to have lots of very good friends, but none of them are really close. In a best mate I could really bare my soul to kind of way. Other than my wife, and there are a few things I would find it difficult to say even to her.
I do miss that, it's down to me I think, there's some kind of internal brain mechanism that just stops me being that close to someone other than my partner. Fear of being too vulnerable or something I suppose. It's a bit shit and I wish that wasn't how my brain is wired, but it is.
First is an article on pysche.co too many men lack close friendship
The link is broken btw, I found it by Googling though
I've got a couple of longstanding good friends, but don't open up to them. I also don't fully open up with my other half either. If anything I find it easier to discuss "heavy" things with more casual acquaintances.
You guys probably know more about my issues than they do.
lets be honest, when in a dark place, can feel like all men are total and complete utter &*(%$&*()%$ dicks, at times.
That's what you think.
I'm not down with unduly dramatic and simplistic generalisations like that.
If anything I find it easier to discuss "heavy" things with more casual acquaintances.
You guys probably know more about my issues than they do
Same. This place provides a valuable public service in that regard.
That's what you think.
I'm not down with unduly dramatic and simplistic generalisations like that.
What I thought is only ever in the past. Thought is not static. What I think is not what I thought. You have no idea what I think.
Is it the anonymity of the internet that makes it easier for some to open up on here? Or is it the quality of the response people get when they do show their vulnerability on here?
I am not suggesting it's one or the other but that there's probably a wide range of reasons that some people might prefer to talk about their personal worries and problems here, while others will discuss them face to face with people they trust for an equally wide range of reasons.
There's no right or wrong it's just what works for each individual
Those Jimmy the Giant vids keep popping up on my YouTube suggestions. Not sure what I did to deserve that but I might check them out.
I've had a quick read of the article and a lot of it rings true.
I've always been bad at keeping in touch with people and I've moved around a lot so I've found myself without a reliable group of mates. The small riding group I had disappeared during Covid and never came back. Outside of my Mrs and my son I only speak to colleagues.
I miss having a big group of friends mostly for all the fun, spontaneous stuff that can happen. Planning anything now with people who are married with kids has to be done weeks or months in advance so I just do most things on my own. Sometimes (most of the time) I can't drag myself out of the house but if I know I'm meeting someone or I'm being picked up I have no problems.
Edit: apparently I can't even post a functional link anymore
I don't have close friends anymore - my "best mates" both now live miles away and don't see them very much, so wouldn't talk to them about my "issues".
I probably talk more to one of my work colleagues as they have had similar issues to me in the past.
My wife say I should open up to her more, but I prefer to "deal with it" on my own etc.
You guys probably know more about my issues than they do.
Having said that, a few of you now know me in the real world, I might be needing a second throwaway account soon!
I don't really know anyone on here in real life and I've definitely said stuff on here that I've never told anyone.
My partner is always telling my I can talk to her but she doesn't know half of what goes on in my head. I don't want to burden her with it. She's already got a stressful job and a small child keeping her busy, I feel like she doesn't need my problems.
I've seen this topic grow and it does make me consider how fortunate I am.
I have my best mate (civvy) who I can have very honest conversations with, and he with me.i genuinely love this dude, he's the best human I know besides my good lady.
Then I have a sliding scale of military dudes from the 2am need a body hiding mate, to the once a year beer mate.
Losing mates over the years has really sharpened my focus into committing me to invest time and energy into friendships.
Also, take more photos with the boys.
Certainly applies to me, lost touch with grammar school friends by '96 and last uni friends by '05. But I've always been an introvert and battled general depression on and off and SAD every winter since uni days. Luckily found my better half during one of my more positive periods just over twenty years ago.
First is an article on pysche.co too many men lack close friendships.
I honestly wouldn’t know. I have a small circle of friends, most of whom I’ve known for most of my life, a couple since school, so over fifty years. Not all are male.
I've generally known people via some shared interest or employer, and when that common thing stops I just seem to drift away. I've also generally struggled with the concept of just "going to see" someone with no other purpose which lots of folk seem to take pleasure from. As a result I don't have much of a social circle at all, let alone close friends, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I think lockdown was when it became obvious to me - there was lots of complaining about a lack of social contact but I actually felt it was a bit of a reprieve to not be meeting people. I've only ever opened up to medical professionals or therapists and would probably go back on that route if there was anything major bothering me.
Also, take more photos with the boys.
I've got a small group of close mates - 4 of us in total - who I've been friends with for nearly 20 years. I think we have roughly 6 photos of us all together. All of them at weddings. I don't know why but it's like an unwritten rule that it's weird to take photos with the boys.
I've a small group of mates I've known for years, but we're pretty bad at getting together and it only happens once or twice a year that we're all together (one I work with.) I'm really bad at keeping in touch with people, I know I'm inherently selfish tbh, I'm happy in my own company, I bike coz I like being by myself! But I do like getting together when we do, I'm happy bollocking on about nonsense with people at work, at some point in the future I'll probably regret not keeping closer ties with people.
I am a "Billy no mate" in the UK 😆
Well, not exactly but they are scattered all over UK, we still maintain contact via social media and sending each others jokes etc but it seems like we have finished all the conversations we should have. Now, it's just the comfortable silence.
Of course if you want to pay for my ticket to NZ and Borneo, in that case I have plenty of mates.
Most, if not all, have a family and so-called mates always come second regardless.
The way I see it, the more "mates" a person has, the lesser real mates a person will have.
In life, the only real mate you have is your other half who you will grow old with, children are just a by-product of your union and they don't count. 😬
Whem Mrs TJ died i knew I needed friends and i have made a real effort to spend time with folk. Its not always been easy but its paid off and i have become much closer to some of them. Just remember that you are not the only one who needs pals.
Just remember that you are not the only one who needs pals.
Good point. Meeting up with an old biking buddy for a beer tonight - he moved half an hour away after his marriage finally ended, so we don't catch up as often as we could when he lived at the end of the road.
I was the first guy he called when he and his wife finally split.
Myself and three mates meet up about once a month from for a 3hr breakfast taking turns to cook in our respective houses. We used to go to cafes but at home means no interruptions, hours of natter, discussion and humour. Diffferent backgrounds (education, probation service, dentistry; 2 Irish, 1 Romanian, 1 Brit; broadly left politically) so lots of different experiences and observations and we all go out of our way for each other. Apart from that, my mrs is my best mate.
When my marriage bit the dust, I hid. One close mate on the end of a phone who I could open up to. But mainly I bottle stuff up, i think to the detriment of my own wellbeing and those around me.
Another mate I rode with really helped. The riding side by side and no eye contact helps I think!
Lost contact with far too many friends over the years. Life gets in the way, piss poor excuse, but seems a similar story for a lot of us.
And yes, this place has been invaluable for support in the past.
I think the anonymous nature of this here forum is one of the massive positives of “social media”. That fact that I can, and have in the past, opened up about my mental health and personal problems shows how “inclusive” this place is. The support and compassion that total strangers have given shows that the world isn’t as shit as some would have you believe.
I don’t have any really close friends, only a couple of mates. But they’re not the people I would choose to open up to. My Wife is my only real friend, but there are still things I wouldn’t want to open up about even to her. She’s got enough to deal with without having to support my frailties as well.
Another mate I rode with really helped. The riding side by side and no eye contact helps I think!
It really helps. Focusing ahead but helps free the conversation
She’s got enough to deal with without having to support my frailties as well.
This has been mentioned a couple of times already. Maybe not men bottling up being macho, but (arguably mistakenly) trying to protect close ones from our issues.
Be interesting if anyone has worked this through and found a solution?
That quoting thing screws anonymity, not an issue for me, but might be worth looking at!
Edit: maybe just the user can see their own name in the quote, sorry Mark!
And yes, the eye contact thing works well in the car as well. I think my son can open up more on road trips than anywhere else.
Of course if you want to pay for my ticket to NZ and Borneo, in that case I have plenty of mates.
Being an immigrant is strange like this. I've got Australian friends, but somehow the lack of a common childhood/adolescence seems to distance me/them slightly. There's a couple of mates that i'd spend a lot more time with if I could, but one has a wife that spends so much time exercising he seems to do all of the parent duties so never has time. We probably get a bike ride together once a year if that. The other is in Tasmania so I barely see him.
There's a riding group, but I don't have anything in common with most of them - they're mostly all about training for the one epic enduro trip each year and then not riding for six months. Not my jam.
I know a few guys that come to a beer tasting I run monthly. One of them has a massive property with a river front paddock. Every now and then we have a camp out there - he builds a big fire and everyone cooks on it and sits around drinking until they fall asleep. It's about the only time I ever get a chance to not think about time. Wives are pretty happy we do that, but it probably doesn't happen often enough.
When I get back to England and see school and uni friends things just slot back into place.
And yes, the eye contact thing works well in the car as well. I think my son can open up more on road trips than anywhere else.
Wonder if that's a male thing. Did/do a lot of long journeys 121 with the kids for various activities, the lad would happily talk about all sorts of things and open up, daughter still tends to put headphones in and zone out, but will talk more when we're face to face.
I am a "Billy no mate" in the UK
I dont think you are alone there, certainly not from this camp.
Alone. Utterly alone. But I dont mind, nor really pay it any mind, though I think being autistic means I dont actually need anyone.
My Dr did years back remark that in my old age, he didnt think i would face any of the loneliness problems many of the population face as they age.
So many of the comments on here ring true to me. I'm now 75, living in a rural area, don't have any friends I am in contact with.
Over the years since leaving school I have lived in about 10 different places, rarely more than 5 years anywhere. Usually had a group of friends each time, mostly from shared interests or work. Every time I've moved I haven't kept contact with friends. Since CoVid I have really only had my wife and immediate family.
I identified this as an issue of mine. Following a complete life crisis that spanned over the last 5 years or so. I've joined an online man's circle. It has been a complete breakthrough for myself. This is the one I am in: https://www.fatherssonsbrothers.com/ There is a whatsapp group and a monthly online 'King's Circle'.
It can be hard making friends, I met my dude randomly on a weekday pedal at Descend way back when Craig was running the place. Had a cheeky midweek day off, drove across from base for some laps and met this lad with tats. Got chatting on the drop-in, found not only did we share the same hobby (obviously) we shared the same love of metal.
Thus began the bromance. It's taken effort, I joke now that we had a long distance bromance because the Army kept sending me all over, but we made effort to keep in touch, plan rides.
He's been there when my PTSD was at its worst, when my ex did the dirty. He's an all round solid dude and my life is better for him being in it.
He has shown more loyalty and trustworthiness than family, I consider him family to be honest.
My military boys are good dudes, solid friends who I know would do ungodly illegal things for me, but they're just the notch below.
Spread yourself about, try different things, you never know when that one good dude will appear.
And take more pictures with the boys. Trust me, you'll be thankful for it one day.