Managing bereaved team members at work - advice?

When my father died, my employers at the time gave me as much time off as I needed, and accommodated my drop in work quantity and standards amazingly well. They both went up in my estimations greatly as people. They generally were very work focussed, but I saw the other side of them during that period. Still feel thankful to them all these years later... even though I haven't done any work for them for over a decade... still think of them as people first, ex-employers second, as result of their understanding.

How long was her break away from work?

Having sat on both sides of this table. It takes a long time to get over something like that, if you ever do.  The knock-on effects last a lot longer than the obvious initial reactions a grief.

As a person you need to offer support and patience. You can't make things better.

As a manager it is tricky. I would always try and do the right thing by the person but in a small company that could put others at risk or at least under pressure.

Can you offer reduced hours and bring someone in to support. They might not be able to afford unpaid leave.

Can you talk to them about the reactions at a more relaxed time. Find a way to work through it. Again in a bigger company I'd involve hr at this point particularly if they were good at this type of thing rather than the legal bod type

I take it you don't have any sort of employee assistance program or private medical so they could talk to someone external to the company?

Perhaps guide them to access help with Cruse Bereavement Support, they have a section for workplaces which may have some guidance

Cruse bereavement

@kelvin she took a week of when he was ill in hospital, a long weekend after he had passed away, then last week off to go to the funeral, then she is off for another two weeks from next week.

I think this week has been a bit of an "I'm ok to come back, honest!" situation when she definitely isn't. Company is more than happy to give her as much time as she needs, partly because she's a freelancer so we only pay her the days she works.

in a bigger company I’d involve hr at this point particularly if they were good at this type of thing rather than the legal bod type

I take it you don’t have any sort of employee assistance program or private medical so they could talk to someone external to the company?

@jonba sadly not. Small company (less than 20 people), my boss is pretty matter-of-fact and not very good with dealing with sensitive stuff so its up to me to find a solution here.

I'd drop them off anything that needed a quick turn round, but keep them available ?

But, they are freelance, and as a business, if they can't deliver, you can use someone else (IR35 stuff in UK)...

Keep them on the books,  Bit different for employees.

That's why contractors charge more !

Oof - a really tricky one.  As a freelancer she has virtually no employment rights ( In the UK - I gather you are not so local laws might be different)

Perhaps you need to separate the issues here

1) previous substandard work - needs to be addressed but not relevant to the current situation

2) deadlines to be met ie workplace pressures

3) being a decent human being and supporting someone who is struggling

How many hours is she contracted for and for how long or is it a zero hours contract?

Given such a small team then an ineffective or missing member of the team is a real detriment to the output of the team

After Mrs TJ died I would have been incapable of doing my job safely for many months.  Fortunately I had retired so the question never came up.  Grief affects everyone differently and its important not to judge.  for some folk work is a welcome distraction, for others its an added load that can break you.

My suggestion would be to have a chat with preprepared options to offer.  Do it very gently and make it clear you are looking for a solution that works for all.  The risk of losing her employment could well be adding to her distress and she might have attempted to return before she was really ready.  As a freelancer she may well be under financial stress already having taken a month off I assume unpaid

Trying to balance everything here is really tricky because the needs of the business and her needs may simply not mesh at all - and then you want to be a decent person

So I think I would offer her options

1) return immediately to her usual hours but you will have expectations she will be able to complete her work to a decent standard.
2) Part time hours perhaps with a graduated build up - can you employ another freelancer to cover the rest of her hours? so 10 hrs a week for two weeks, 20 for 2 weeks, 30 for 2 weeks then back to fulltime or something similar

3) further unpaid time off but the job will be held for her for a limited time ie another 2 months perhaps then you expect her to return ( perhaps with a quick ramp up of hours ie not straight back to full time

Obviously this only works if you can cover her hours with another freelancer - I do not know how practical that is

good luck - its a tricky one

So in the chat with her make it something like.  "You seem to be struggling - i was disappointed you could not complete the piece of work the other day.  I understand things are difficult for you.  How can we help?  How can we make this work for you?  Would any of these options work for you?"

@tjagain great advice, thanks.

I personally think that the previous performance issues were due to her father's ongoing illness (she's only been working for us for three months, he died one month ago, and I have a feeling he had some ongoing health concerns for a few years before that).

She lives alone so loss of earnings would mean a return to the UK plus obvious financial pressure taking all the recent unpaid time off - not a great situation to be in.

We can give her as much time off as she needs as I can allocate more remedial work and take over the writing myself up to a point, plus we have a couple of pay-per-article freelancers who are more expensive but can jump in on things last minute.

Tricky situation but I'll be speaking to her tomorrow and just lay down on the table that we are happy to offer her what she needs, providing that we can also keep work quality to the usual level.

When my father died, my employers at the time gave me as much time off as I needed, and accommodated my drop in work quantity and standards amazingly well. They both went up in my estimations greatly as people

this.

having been in this situation, give the person as much time as they need/want then see what happens. They’ll feel both grateful & obligated, which is a win win for you.

I would say do what you can.  I underestimated how much stress I was under during my dad's final illness. I filled a company diesel van with petrol. The only time in my life I have misfuelled a vehicle. The company response? An disciplinary interview  and warning on my record.

I can quite believe her work was not up to her usual standard if her dad was seriously ill at the time.

I underestimated how much stress I was under during my dad’s final illess.

this so much.  Its only really with hindsight I realised how badly I was functioning.

I've been a manager in a similar situation.

The fact that your post starts out with performance concerns prior to this is a bit of a red flag.

I would go and talk to HR, who will probably want you to start recording performance issues as they arise, which you need to be doing if you are not already.

Why not give her a couple of weeks' paid leave to get her shit together rather adding financial pressures into the pot? Is it going to bankrupt you? Is there no-one else who can cover the work of an employee who's been there five minutes? What happens when staff want holidays?

I may be biased here but you have just described me, right now. I was TUPEd to another company a couple of months back and around the same time my mother was blue-lighted into hospital seriously ill. I go away on holiday tomorrow and I'm pretty certain that I've just said goodbye to her this afternoon. She's vaguely alert but 32kg (which is, what, 5 stone?) and non-verbal.

I've spent the last couple of months grieving over what has surely been the inevitable, watching someone - the only blood family I have left - with long-term but managed issues suddenly deteriorate rapidly. Meanwhile I'm trying to impress in a new role and... I couldn't do it. Something had to give. I've spent more times in tears with my manager and with HR than I care to mention. They gave me a couple of days off in a swept-under-the-carpet sort of arrangement when my mental health finally imploded.

Since then they've been giving me simple tasks like writing procedural documentation just so that I'm doing -something- and it's taking me a week to do what would be a couple of hours' work. Every time I picked it I was practically having panic attacks and had to step back. It's a ****ing Word document. This just isn't me, I'm at my best when I'm running round like an idiot. And then I beat myself up about all that too because they don't know me, for all they know I'm just taking the piss.

I don't know what the solution is. My point is simply that I can 100% relate to her situation. I know freelancing is different but if instead of being understanding my new company had gone "you can take as much time off as you need, but we're not paying you" then I'd probably have ended up in the next bed over.

Small company (less than 20 people), my boss is pretty matter-of-fact and not very good with dealing with sensitive stuff so its up to me to find a solution here

TJ’s advice is good for an employee but I’ll tell you what your boss is probably thinking.  She’s a freelancer, not an employee, I’m running a business, she’s not performing, the whole point of hiring freelancers is to make it flexible for both sides - stop wasting time being nice and get the printing done!

That’s why contractors charge more !

And if he’s the sort of capitalist accountant type who is successful in business he’s probably working out if these guys:

plus we have a couple of pay-per-article freelancers who are more expensive

are actually cheaper in the long term, as clearly you pay for output not input, and perhaps they suck up less management time as a result.  The flip side would be to consider if treating people as proper employees with paid sickness/holiday/compassionate leave etc actually works out better in the long term - but the industry, the culture you are in and the business might not agree.  Sometimes the individual themselves wants the flexibility of freelance (and at least the perception that they are their own boss).

I realise that’s not the answer you were looking for - but sometime having a different view helps.  If you wanted to be both supportive (or giving the impression of that) and not pay for poor work - could you flip her onto a pay by article contract.  In reality it doesn’t solve the issue it simply makes it her responsibility if she wants paid but it may make it easier for her to take on the amount of work she can manage etc.

If you wanted to be both supportive (or giving the impression of that) and not pay for poor work – could you flip her onto a pay by article contract. In reality it doesn’t solve the issue it simply makes it her responsibility if she wants paid but it may make it easier for her to take on the amount of work she can manage etc.

this may be a solution - especially if you can give her stuff with longish deadlines.

I think there is a midway point between poly's hardheadedness and TJ's empathetic and sensible approach.

The reality is that it's not in anyone's interest for you to keep assigning work to the freelancer and for them to keep fluffing it up. They're getting stressed out and you're not getting what you need. You're not doing anyone a favour by giving them tasks they can't complete because they're struggling with grief - like anyone would. And your boss isn't going to givr away freebies.

So you have to take a TJ-style conversation, which may be an uncomfortable one initially, and say "look, this isn't working right now, and you will be busy and doing emotional labour. What's the best thing to do now? Do you want a month or two when I don't bother you? Do you want to work at half capacity? Or do you want to carry on working at normal capacity - in which case you really are going to have to finish what you start?"

Phased return or part time type thing for a while.

Time off alone can not be beneficial but a limited low pressure structure could help. Maybe 3 or 4 days a week short days.

A bit of structure a regular pattern, social interaction but no long days. There would be a negotiation on pay but it also keeps money coming in for her so less of a panic.

Leaving aside the bereavement - I don't mean that glibly, I think most people will agree that you need to be as compassionate as possible - a more general point is that there's no place for preciousness in professional writing. It's part of the process. You write something. You pass it on to your editor or sub or publisher. And you accept that sometimes it comes back to you for rewriting.

Edit: I don't of course mean you should tackle this now, but once she's back fully functioning and able to take it in dispassionately.

Phased return or part time type thing for a while.

Time off alone can not be beneficial but a limited low pressure structure could help. Maybe 3 or 4 days a week short days.

A bit of structure a regular pattern, social interaction but no long days. There would be a negotiation on pay but it also keeps money coming in for her so less of a panic.

Thanks for all the replies everyone. Will be speaking to the boss later and taking some of these suggestions to him.

a more general point is that there’s no place for preciousness in professional writing. It’s part of the process.

@BadlyWiredDog I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It's not that we're not a compassionate business. The main issue is having a writer who is freaking out when I send corrections back to her.

Its a tricky balance to find - wanting to do the right thing by this worker and your business.  some things are worth more than money tho and as pointed out above treat her well now and you might get a very loyal worker in future ( or you might get effed over)

a more general point is that there’s no place for preciousness in professional writing. It’s part of the process

I think  that goes for anything, if you can't stand peer review then get over your ego. As you say this is a separate point but at the same time something she is struggling with more as she is overloaded with grief.

I've come across quite a few writers in the business with ego problems.

I'm trying to work out whether the current writer is one of these types, or whether the grief is making them defensive.

An excellent post tj

TJ seems like an excellent person. His advice here shows that. I disagree with him on many political things but I bet I would enjoy having him as a boss and colleague.

Shift leader and union rep yes.  Boss I was rubbish at and you need to be able to tolerate neurodiversity / my oddness / lack understanding of social cues  ( or aresholeness depending on your point of view)  🙂

Sorry for this slight highjacking, but I'm going through a similar thing with work. I'm the empoyee in this case.

My mum is in her final stages of dementia. Now in hospital and bed bound. Over the last 5-6 years I've tried hard to just carry on, but now it seems to be nearing a conclusion, I don't think I'm functioning much despite trying to behave like it is fine. My functioning at work is dropping, also amidst a bit of a downturn, but I worry that if I take time off or whatever, it won't be viewed favourably. Add into this that I live here in England and she is at home in NI.

I think generally, I have bottled it up for these past few years and haven't known how to deal with it. Anyone who has dealt with dementia will know how hard it is.

What sort of organisation do you work for?

some will have in house counseling services, some will have compassionate leave etc

Talk to your boss and tell them.  Its much better to explain beforehand than afterwards if you ares struggling

Be open and honest.  "big boys don't cry" is harmful.  if your leg was broken you would tell people and seek help.  If your head is broken do the same.  I learned this lesson from folk on here and by 'eck its helped me

Wot TJ said. The organisation I work for has outsourced HR. I needed to ask for a change of working arrangements for a staff member who had suddenly had to take on care of a close family member. I was expecting a fight but they were great and also referred the staff member on to paid for counselling.

Thanks. I work for a sales organisation. They have services for counselling which I have used before, but it's been a few years. I also have BUPA.

@Stcolin - definitely speak with the counselling service provided, also BUPA do offer some talking therapies - I'd check with HR as may need use the dedicated service 1st.

Also ask for Occ Health referral from manager - this will help document things and might come with some supportive recommendations such as advising support with flexibility for remote working if need pop home or manage issues remotely for mum. I often recommend that consideration is given to non-work stressors and impact on work capability (am occ health nurse)  - can help managers contextualise any issues affecting staff and provide bit more flexibility and reduce your stress about work.

@BadlyWiredDog I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s not that we’re not a compassionate business. The main issue is having a writer who is freaking out when I send corrections back to her.

Maybe, once she's .on a more even keel, it's a question of sitting down over a coffee and just chatting about the writing process and pointing out that it's not personal, it's not a question of her being inadequate, it's simply part of the publication process that everyone goes through.

I think it's easy to forget how exposed relatively inexperienced writers can feel at first. It's hard to put ego to one side and accept that rather than being criticised, you're actually being helped.

Another thing that might help, is getting her to sub some other people's content. Or, if she tends to dash things off then press send, encourage her to sit on the piece for a day, then go back and re-read it herself, she might be surprised at how things look with a little distance.

Good luck with it. It sounds like she's having an understandably rough time and it must be hard to separate out what's grief and what's a pre-existing problem.

Thanks. I work for a sales organisation. They have services for counselling which I have used before, but it’s been a few years. I also have BUPA.

@stcolin - in complete contrast to my brutal post about how a new, freelancer outside the UK might be regarded, I'd say as a UK employee with a number of years in the business then you'll have a much better basis for getting support from your employer.  I've had people in a similar position to you and we've agreed for them to go "home" (ie. to NI in your case) and work from home on reduced hours only covering the most essential stuff, fitting it around family and caring stuff (I've offered zero work - but actually both people I've done this with wanted some continuity with normality and an excuse to break out of the "care" stuff every so often).  Anyone who says that is not possible obviously has no contingency plan for you getting hit by a bus, falling very ill etc.  The first time HR made me keep it fairly quiet as they thought it might create a dangerous precedent.  The second time I intentionally made sure the whole team knew exactly what was going on as I considered the "decent employer brownie points" far exceeded the risk of anyone taking the piss.

Had a meeting with her today. Everything's clear and aligned now. Managed to strike the right balance and she is happy. Thanks for all the Singletrack help on this one people, much appreciated.

Well done

Had a meeting with her today. Everything’s clear and aligned now. Managed to strike the right balance and she is happy. Thanks for all the Singletrack help on this one people, much appreciated.

That’s great news, for everyone involved. As most here know, I lost my partner suddenly, with no obvious signs beforehand. Work were brilliant, they told me to go home, not to worry about work I would be covered for however long I needed.
I actually went back after a week off, because I couldn’t bear sitting at home alone. The senior manager who was in overall charge of my area, Justin, asked me what on earth I was doing back, and to go home! I explained how I was feeling, and that I felt I needed some semblance of normalcy, just to have something to focus on, and not be thinking of Jo. After telling me it was his executive decision and I should go home, I told him that having people around, and work to concentrate on was more help than being alone at home. He accepted that, grudgingly, and I carried on working. I had a number of breakdowns, but we had a couple of mental-health first-aiders who would just sit and talk, my boss, Justin, was as good, we were mates, we had a lot of interests in common, so we would sit and chat if needed. All in all, I can’t say enough good things about how they helped me.
Sadly, the site was closed in March, and everyone made redundant, otherwise I’d still be working there, but it was one of the best places I’ve ever worked for how they helped me.

Glad everything worked out so well, Devash, hopefully the lass will develop her skills over time and grow as a writer. I worked in print for several decades, as a finished artist, designer and photoshop and scanner operator, with lots of proofreading involved as well. I’m pretty good at the proofreading, but as a writer of copy, bloody hopeless, so good luck to her. 😁