[Closed] Malapropisms, mixed metaphors and misspeaking.

They need educating, good luck.

I have a friend who uses the phrase "six of one and a dozen of the other."

We correct them, every time. They go "oh, yeah, that makes more sense." Then continue to get it wrong. Every time.

"It's no skin off my teeth."

I actually quite like that. It's the sort of thing I'd throw into conversation just to see who was listening.

Hm. I'm now re-evaluating the friend in my previous post...

I cherish the memory of someone telling me about a terrible accident at a junction, where "a girl got run over by an argonaut".

I've been know to ask if the Pope shits in the woods after a few beers.

"It's no skin off my teeth."

I've heard loads of people say that.

I've been know to ask if the Pope shits in the woods

Likewise - meaning something that doesn't happen...

A friend of mine was really 'good' at these:

"a mind of information"
"I'm going to wipe the fall with you"

Spring to mind, but he regularly did it. Also uses "around" before saying the exact number: "there were around 3 of us who went out".

Guy in my row at the football once -

He's that quick. He's doon that wing like a gazebo.

Now, there is a four-legged thing beginning with "gaz" that is an arresting simile for a fleet-footed winger. Which of these might it be?

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"toot sweet"

My fave was one of Blairs babes on radio four getting flustered with John Humphries, her parting shot was:
[b]"It's a recipie waiting to happen"[/b]

Which slays me every time I think of it.

come the revolution, those up against the wall first will be those who say EXpresso

Colleague at work, via email, told us that he didn't want to be made an escape goat.

My mind immediately went in hircine Steve McQueen directions, proper gave me the giggles.

Also uses "around" before saying the exact number: "there were around 3 of us who went out".

the mother of a girlfriend from years back used to call people a "dickhead" until I pointed out what she was actually saying. She thought it just meant a bit of a prat. She also asked for Kampuchean coffee in a cafe once.

hircine Steve McQueen

say what?

hircine - goat

steve mcqueen- escape artist on a motor bike with barbed wire

"six of one and a dozen of the other."

Personal pet hates were an American colleague who used "I could care less" and "irregardless".

"I don't like long distance flights, they are so monogamous"

Someone on here posted once about someone called Mister Demeanour

Hearing of rumours on the great divine

Asking for a ball point figure

Mute points

A woman in a shop calling what I'm fairly sure was her son a 'son of a bitch' 🙂

And of course 'literally'. I literally pissed myself. er...

hircine - goat

steve mcqueen- escape artist on a motor bike with barbed wire

Also, thinking about it, a nifty bit of alliteration.

A woman in a shop calling what I'm fairly sure was her son a 'son of a bitch'

I regularly have exchanges with my mum where I call her a berk and she calls me a son-of-a-berk. Which probably explains a lot.

My wife and I have now adopted that idea, referring to two similar things as "five and three quarters" or "seven and five eights".

I like that a lot.

Me and ms njee20 also adopt random mash-ups of idioms.

"Wind your horse in" or indeed "wind your foot in" are favourites. Trouble is I now have to really think what the actual expression is before I look stupid 😳

Actually I've thought of a few more that come from my Mum being French and either translating directly to English or just getting confused...

My eye (French equivalent of 'my foot')

Making a beehive for... (instead of beeline).

Not to mention that I grew up thinking a dressing gown was actually called a "dressing gun"...

Back in primary school, we all had to sing hymns in assembly, learned by the tried and tested method of 'joining in with everyone else' rather than getting hymn books.

For years I wondered what a "sadolie" was. You know, from the song, "oh come little sadolie, Chri-ist the lord"...

... which reminds me of, many years later, a mate asking me what the hell a "dord" was anyway.

From the Stone Roses song, "I wanna be a dord..."

A previous boss of mine was always giving me warnings about what might go wrong.
I should always make sure I locked up properly at night because another nearby transport company had one of their lorries stolen, "Even though it was demobilised".
I should always wear goggles when grinding because another mechanic had a piece of metal go in his eye "right in the Cornelius"

Then there was the parts van driver who recommended the torches they had on offer at the time.
They were good value because they'd got Lithuanian batteries.

My older sister asked where in the world Guacamole is.

My dad was a specialist at spoonerisims and deliberately subverting well know phrases, my favourite was: "Bob's yer uncle" and then conspiratorily (sp?) adding "except on a Saturday night when he's yer aunty"

Back to the OP, might just be a Scottish thing but people who say "Modren" when they mean Modern. I mean it's not difficult in a land where "R's" roll like a trawler in storm, is it?

Also overheard a woman in the Supermarket having been out for dinner where they were served a plate of "Aspergers in a white sauce"! Quite nice was the verdict. I assume she meant Aparagus unless it was a Canniabal restaurant.

unless it was a Canniabal restaurant.

Muphry's Law in action.

Some people just need a high 5

in the face

with a chair 😆

Wouldn't that be a high four?

... which reminds me of, many years later, a mate asking me what the hell a "dord" was anyway.

From the Stone Roses song, "I wanna be a dord..."

I always thought Ian Brown wanted to be a door. It's a pretty obvious conclusion to come to. An open and shut case.

Years ago on Capital radio, they did a phone-in when they played a song, then stopped it and you had to continue singing the correct words to win a prize.
Mr Loverman by Shabba Ranks was the song and a girl called in to provide the answer.....the music played...."Mr Loverman...." and rather than reply "Shabba", she shouted out "Trevor" which she thought was what he actually sang.
Possibly the funniest thing I have heard on the radio - can't remember who the DJ was, but everyone in the studio just burst into laughter and couldn't stop. I think the girl was quite embarrased!

My now Wife has been coming out with these kind of things for years; pretty sure you could write a book of them.

I always used to wonder what a 'bomzitit' was, when my Mum used to refer to the state of my bedroom. I was about 16 before I realised she was actually saying "Your room looks like a bomb's hit it", rather than "Your room looks like a bomzitit".

My mum when talking about a friend declared "she smokes like a fish"

A lot of folk I know do it on purpose to perform a Waaaah (sometimes known as Gotchas). For example:

"it's not exactly Rocket surgery is it?"
"Do you mean Rocket Science?"
"Waaaahhhhh..!!!" (Very loudly for all to hear & accompanied with a finger point).

"He's a bit CDO."
"It's OCD"
"Waaaahhhh....!!" (Very loudly for all to hear & accompanied with a finger point).

In fact Waaahhs can take many forms - classic is asking what time it is whilst the clock is chiming, or whilst your stood under a massive clock etc. in fact, it's anything that tricks someone into stating the obvious. Can be seen to be the ruin of civilised conversation.

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it...

Listening to a call-in on the radio once when the caller mentioned the well-know US talk show host, Ellen Degenerate.

Would make a great drag queen name.

"Your room looks like a bomzitit".

That's brilliant.

My mum when talking about a friend declared "she smokes like a fish"

Was she talking about kippers?

"He's a bit CDO."
"It's OCD"

CDO is just OCD but with all the letters in the order THEY SHOULD BE.

We have a consultant who consistently refers to one of the demographic variables we monitor as "ethniticity"

I used to work in a hotel kitchen. One day during the course of washing up,I scraped a plate with a knife.
"Ooh, I hate that sound!" Said my nice but dim colleague, "it makes my teeth stand on end!"

Wullie from work

'Auld Boaby smokes like a fish'

Bil

'Ma coupon (my face) is like a meteorite re-enterting the earth's atmosphere'

Mixed metaphors are for winners. If you drop them, you need to do it without a flicker and keep on going. They work very well if you are in meetings with numpties who insist in using the latest buzzwords.

At a very dull parents evening at my son's high school, the careers bloke attempted "more opportunities than you could shake a stick at" which transmogrified into "more opportunities than you could take a shit at". It livened up the evening no end!

Sat in the canteen at work one day, one of my colleagues asks another about his family moving from India to Africa. When the other colleague responded with 'they travelled by ship' in his African accent, the original colleague looked a bit strangely across the table and said 'but aren't sheep a bit small to ride?'

I often make them on purpose for my own childish amusement. A favourite being 'flavour' as substitute for type, category, subject etc. However, one genuine mis-speak (copyright Bill Clinton 😉 ) was when describing an excellent and very thorough diligent colleague who also has a lazy eye: I said "ooh, don't worry about her doing that report for you, she will dot the t's and cross the i's." 😳

I know someone who frequently uses the word "salubrious" to mean a place that's a seedy dump!

Up a gum tree without a paddle

Lets not shoot the horse until the gates been bolted

He's not the sharpest fish in the book.

Not a big fan of Peter Kay but I did like his 'Oy! Talk to the organ, not the monkey grinder"

I know someone who frequently uses the word "salubrious" to mean a place that's a seedy dump!

I know someone who doesn't seem to realise that 'inflammable' is not the opposite of 'flammable' and makes this error repeatedly, in writing, on risk assessments.

My mum once said she'd "reached the zenith of lowness"!

A friend of my wife... 'You're about as much use as a teapot'

And while I'm at it... soldiers [u]deliberately[/u] shot themselves in the foot to get off the front line.

whatnobeer - Member

I've been know to ask if the Pope shits in the woods after a few beers.

Is the bear Catholic?

Sometimes, if I can't sleep, I like to make some up.
The other night I was quite pleased with:
'He was sweating like a paedophile chewing a wasp.'
It doesn't seem so funny now I've typed it out.

An old favourite:
'Does the Pope shit in the woods.'
Edit, didn't read that one. /\

My wife isn't British and therefore comes up with some classics. Non of which I can remember right now.

I like to throw in 'the world is your lobster' to see if anyone is listening.

An ex - girlfriend's mother once told us that she'd gone for a bar lunch and had a wonderful lass-ag-knee.My ex tried to correct her but she said she'd had lasagne before but this was definitely lass-ag-knee!

And another old friend of mine always used to say "Let's make like a banana and curl."

I love this thread 😀

I've encountered many people who, having mislaid something, will pledge to go over everything with 'a fine tooth comb', said in a way that suggests combing your teeth is normal.

My family member used to refer to Al Pacino as Al Pa-see-no

My mum calls houmus/hummus, 'hoo-muss'

Mum and both sisters call falafel, 'phall-a-fell'

Luckily I turned out worldly-wise....ahem.

My mum calls houmus/hummus, 'hoo-muss'

Very strangely, so does Delia Smith.

I had a French girlfriend that used to say "blow off the candle" instead of blow out. Never corrected her on that one.

My current gf after mishearing a friend say crack of sparrows to mean getting up early, repeated it regularly at work as crack of spanners.

A friend's mother pronounced after flouncing slightly after having knocked back a stiff snifter, "this kicktail has a c0ck like a donkey."

I used to work with a woman who would oppose something "venomently".

Best one ever:
Mates mum, with a thick Northern Irish accent.

'I'll have a wee cup of chino'

(Cappuccino)

I am forever putting the cat amongst the apple carts!

Delia Smith - "who moose"

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=u_gg11cXEEQ

Mrs LJ, after a couple of red wines last night, stated that she couldn't see what the fuss was over same sex marriage. "Gay couples should be treated exactly the same as etch-a-sketchual couples."

A colleague once likened an impossible task to "flogging a wet donkey"

I'm not sure that staking your credibility on the correct pronunciation of foreign words is a good idea - there seems to be some debate about this one:
https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/alt.usage.english/rs4pWgEp8hA

One of my colleagues refers to "empty gaps".

Malapropisms are spreading like wildflower!

Popular one at work is the word 'myzuld' aka misled

Also father instead of further and the word 'ironic' used as a superlative

CDO is just OCD but with all the letters in the order THEY SHOULD BE.

😀

Another one often heard uttered by my customers:

"Without a joke of a lie..." Whilst trying to protest their innocence.

Colleague at work was describing as fight she saw in an A+E ward and said "all of a sudden there was a huge falafel".
She meant 'kerfuffle'

On a mildly related note, she once overheard a discussion about Tolstoy (I know, sorry, but I work in publishing...), who she'd never heard of, so presumed we were talking about Toy Story.

I know two people that misheard the lyrics to Gala- Freed from desire.

1, Thought the line- "My love has got no money, he's got his strong belief's" was about smoking weed, "he's got his stronger leafs"

2, Same line but different guy, though it said "his trombalise" but didn't ask what a trombalise was to not look stupid.

Misheard Lyrics needs its own thread, maybe...!

Malapropisms are spreading like wildflower!

Actual LOL at that, thanks. (-:

I could care less... FFS