[Closed] Losing parents

sorry for your loss, i'm currently dealing with a failing father its all very stressful for myself presently. I can see how it would be a relief in a way.

Ta, she'd been pretty miserable and given up years ago.

None of it is easy, little is pleasurable.

Have you seen the other recent thread on this subject Al ?  Some good stuff on there; you should give it  a read

Both mine are notably declining, either physically or mentally and if we're all honest, I think THEY would consider death to be a bit of a relief.  I'm feeling a bit like you despite them both being alive; sort of truning to face the elephant in the room and starting to grieve a bit (at least for what they were until a few years ago)

Reaction to bereavement comes differently to us all, I think

Again, sorry for your loss.  Cherish the memories rather than dwell on the end (is what I'm telling myself anyway)

15 years to the day tomorrow since my Dad died suddenly, mid-MTB ride, from undiagnosed heart condition.

Its actually fairly straightforward to get through the first few weeks by keeping busy. But like you I lost a bit of pep for the year after, without really realising it. In my case, i was pretty traumatised by the events of the day. Also because of the nature of my relationship, i couldn't openly grieve at home because i felt it distressed my other half. I also felt responsibity for the fact that it happened "on my watch" - intook my Dad out hiking and dudn't bring him back. This meant i dudn't feel that confirtabke venting to to my Mum or brother.

It wasn't until my relationship nearly failed due to my being on autopilot for the best part of a year that I realised there was something wrong. Luckily at that point I got to break out of my rut and get some new experiences on a 3 week work trip out of the country.

So, to answer your question, yes - it is normal to have a non-specific, not acutely-painful greyness descend.

It seems like you're doing all the right things....exercising, getting out and about, socialising, and admitting to yourself that you've been affected. This place is a great place to share. Just give yourself time, and perhaps some kind of tranformative experience to get out of your own head...

I lost my Father years ago from Cancer, he’d had a 10yr remission until one day when he said to me “I don’t feel well, at all” two weeks later and he’d passed away.

The difference I found was he’d already had the Chemo treatments many years earlier, when it was a major invasive operation, so basically I/we had a sort morbid trial run.

Didn't really sink in for a few months, then one day I called and asked for him and Mum said “he’s dead, you know he’s dead”

Wasn't the best moment I’d ever had TBH.

There are no right/wrong ways of dealing with situations like this, you can only deal with it at your own pace and time.

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”

But more seriously, commiserations. Some of us have it to look forward to still. I'm lucky in that mine are both at a ripe old age (I'm no spring chicken myself) and (as with scaredypants above) to a significant extent I'm already reconciled to the prospect of it happening at some point. Chances are my dad will be gone in mind some time before he's gone in body anyway.

edit: What is it with that quoting crap?

Sounds familiar Al. When my father died it wasn't quite unexpected but a bit earlier than we'd thought due to some complexities of his treatment. I guess I never got much to grieving for him as I was then too busy looking after my mother. It would be fair to say that she gave up on life at that point. She had been poorly for a while but had soldiered on while he was alive. She lasted 9 months. On the one hand, I think she was relieved to go, but there was still some fear in her eyes when she was wheeled into the same hospice my father had died in. I think that hurt me a little more than I realised at the time. Still, I was glad I'd spent so much time with her those last months, that I'd fulfilled my promise to her that she'd not spend her last weeks and months in a hospital etc. For that, I felt some relief.

Her death did hit me hard though and that "fog" you describe lingered with me for quite a while. A lot of things suddenly seemed quite pointless. In fact, it was around then I packed it in at TBC. A couple of things I did;

1) took myself off for a few days in the Highlands (we'd always gone there on family holidays). That gave me some thinking/grieving time.

2) I signed up for a a LEJOG in support of Marie Curie. The fact I was able to raise some money to think them was part of it, but I think my mums death gave me some added impetus. Arriving at JOG was quite emotional for me and I had to have some time alone to take it in.

I think I'm mostly over it now but it hurt for a good few years. I can't say there was one day when it was suddenly better, it just slowly fell away. I can still get tearful now when I recall certain events (or as I'm writing this).

I don't think there's a textbook on this, or a "right" answer but I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I didn't do the bereavement counselling so I can't say if that would have helped at all.

Maybe this is a perfect opportunity to get that mleh reunion organised and we can all have a drink in honour of our departed loved ones?

Edit: they both passed away not long after I'd got my early retirement. I remember at one point thinking "that's bloody typical", as if fate had it in for me.

Edit 2: this is the first time I've written this down, or tried to explain it all to anyone other than my wife.

OP, friends that have used Cruise said it really helped them.

Cheers Colin, that is reassuring.

But I thought you did that LeJoG trip to beat me in endomondo when I did my European touring holiday? 😉

http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-mothers-death/

Don’t rely only on activities to distract you at a time that the keenest pain is felt - grief needs an outlet before it can be resolved. It can, ‘they’ say, make an artist of everyone. Perhaps writing to your parents would help you through the process? There’s always much to say to people we know we won’t speak to again.

Sorry to hear about your mum, OP. I know what you mean about “relief” though. We lost my dad last year after about 8 years of decline due to dementia. It did feel like a relief as to watch your parent slowly deteriorate for years with no hope of a cure is horrible. I started grieving 8 years ago when he was first diagnosed. My mum. sister, and I had a tough year last year but we’re turning a corner now.

Sorry for your loss.

My father passed away coming up three years ago.  I think about him everyday, miss him, need his advice sometimes and wish he could see my children.  He was 61, I was 34 when he died.

However the memories are all happy memories now and I was very lucky to have a wonderful dad.

all the best

I have lost both parents and yes it's shitty and I miss them loads. My two little girls ask about them lots too (dad died 6 months before they were born and mum died just after they turned two) so they never knew them. Often I think 'ohh, must ring mum and tell her about xxxxx' especially now the girls are growing up and both doing some amazing things we are proud of and want to tell them about.

However...

I did grieve but I never really got all that upset. Perhaps I am lucky in being close to both my brothers and we spent lots of time together in the weeks after they died so that was a bit of an outlet. But I worry massively about my in-laws dying (both in their 70s now and both healthy) - my wife will *NOT* take it well and I worry I won't have the ability to support her. And the kids will be in pieces.

Sending hugs.

Life can be b4224 but stay strong, talk and ride!

Time will help but you will always miss them, time just teaches you to cope.

Samaritans can be supportive too.

My folks are fine - early 70's but MIL was knackered by early 70's and is still here in her early 80's. FIL dies quite quickly with lung cancer 3 years ago.  MIL's quality of life isn't great and she is very stubborn despite all we do to help.  My wife 'grieved' for her mum 10 years ago when stroke hit - she's not the same lady she was.

That said, despite health issues as long as your arm, and over 20 pills a day, she still rattles on.  We daren't go round if we have any illness, as it would kill her. She get's a bit pissed off if you haven't been round (despite explaining you are ill and it could kill her).

It hit us hard with FIL dying as he did everything in the house, so it was a huge issue getting it all sorted for MIL as she refused to deal with anything, including money !

Lost my father when I was 2. I say lost it wasnt much of a loss as i dont remember him. My step dad passed away about 2 years ago and my brother about 3 years before that...some days I still find myself sobbing. Give it time, talk to people, do as much normal stuff as you can. Everyone does it differently just dont try to get through it alone.

I don't have any children and likely never will, have always been "alone" and am quite happy with it. Not especially close with my parents either.

But even so I know that there will be a sudden and overwhelming sense of isolation when they're gone. It really will become a game of two halves and although I hope to be older and wiser by that time I fear my reaction is  going to be a bit OTT.

A timely thread. My Mam died on Tuesday, she'd been diagnosed with cancer in September, and rapidly declined over the last month after the chemotherapy failed to help.

I'm upset but feeling a lot better than I expected to, happy to have had her as a Mam and wanting to move on in a positive way she would have been proud of.

I'll have to check out the other thread, not been online for the last few days.

It's nice to see such strong relationships, it has been the opposite for me both my parents did little or nothing with/for me as a kid yet expected that I support them 100% in old age. They were both selfish and unpleasant at best.

There are many shitty people in the world, lots of them have children.

My mother said to my missus not long after we'd met "You know sometimes you can have a child and you just don't gel with them". I was in the room..

Not sure gel ever came into it with me, I was was fed and watered until 16 then sent out to work. I am sure they turned a profit on me.

I swear half the kids round here are birthed solely for the extra benefit payments..

I was in care at 11 and back with them after school ended, I was glad to get a job.

This will sound strange but i think people whove had very good and loving relationships with their parents can cope better, insofar as they have the self esteem to manage it all. That is the kids have grown as independent adults.

The kids who never built any self esteem due to cold neglectful parenting on the other hand can find it difficult to cope. I think the term is dual dependency.

My dad has never ever been able to express emotion and its affected my siblings. I think if he could hsve shown affection we would all be in a better place and more resilient.

there's no easy way through, al, and sorry to hear about your dad passing as well. that must make it all feel a bit unreal in some way - luckily I still my (now failing) mum around, although dad died 10 years ago. all manner of factors come into play, home situation, work situation, friends and activities as you describe.

the first few weeks will seem odd as there are admin stuff to sort out (I assume) thus giving you an outlet. Have I dealt with my dad's death, really? I'm not sure. I did have to sort out mum's house when she moved to sheltered housing and that brought home how much I'd deferred his death.

Callum

This thread has reassured me that I'm not going mad as I'm experiencing all the feelings and symptoms you describe Al 12 months on from my mum's death.

I feel it's changed me as a person, i get much more emotional than i used to, i cry at Car SOS FFS!

Sorry for your bad news

My mum died a year past July 16th. It hit hard, I was pretty close to her. There was a lot of non verbal communication between us.

my dad was ill at the same time, my mum going tipped him over and he died 12 days later. We weren’t as close, he was pretty demanding at tomes and I had anger (sublimated) issues over my mums death. It was a bit of a relief as he had hypertension amongst other things, was scared to be left alone and was a bit of a drama queen. Me and my sister were pretty drained by the preceding 3-4 months (we were taking it in turns to stay over when my mum was hospitalised/gone). Being so soon after my mum (plus the anger and being less close) I was left like you OP, numb. A bit listless. Fogged. And I was still grieving my mum, it took a while to sort stuff out in my head over my dad. I’ve ‘forgiven’ him (can’t say the same about myself though).

I’m still a bit fogged, easily dissuaded off things, prone to ‘moments’ that come out of nowhere. Doesn’t help their birthdays were the 3rd & 5th January.

so, I guess, it’s pretty normal to feel the way you do...

i got this as a result, see if you can workout which is which...

Welcome to the orphan club. It's miserable. My father died when I was six and my mother brought us up. We were very close and I miss her so much it hurts. My almost twin sister dying at the same time didn't exactly help.  As AA says, sometimes it hits with a physical pain. I find riding helps. Talking less so.

Sorry about your loss Al.
Grief catches you out when you least expect it. As well as when you expect it. The bastid.
Cliche alert,but it really does take time , at least a year imo , to deal with missing the person you loved ,no longer being around.
Shit business.

I had children and now I cry at Call The Midwife

I lost my mum 18months ago and now I cry at bloody Paddington 2.

As I said on the other thread; thought I was doing fine a couple of months ago but took 1 or 2 special people in my life to let me know I was being a bit of a knobber and should perhaps speak to someone about it. I haven’t yet. But I am very aware of my behaviour at the moment and trying to self monitor and adjust. It’s an odd thing, Grief, it can provide more loss than the live one that died.

Lost my mum 8 years ago.

The experience (both the long period of illness and the end of it) profoundly changed me and my family and things only really got back on track a few years ago in all honesty

I focused on my health and fitness and met someone who changed my life extremely positively although in a non sustainable fashion sadly

You can try and run away from grief but it will catch up with you. It's just the way it is. You can choose when and how to some extent and delay it by diversion but you will have to face it at some point.

My dad has a new partner now. Just saying those words before would have been crippling but he is happy and why shouldn't he be? He asked me last week for my blessing for him to ask her to marry him. Was very touched to be included in that process.

Life often throws a spanner in the works, thats just the way it is but you just have to keep moving forward.

That said, I think of her daily but i can now talk about the beautiful person she was without being upset and that gives me a warm glow and sense of peace.

Thanks all for sharing and your kind thoughts.

I think I'm doing ok, feeling quite exhausted with my usual lifestyle so may get a 4-day week for a bit (luckily work are very supportive).

I may have started grieving 10 years or so ago when she stopped driving - felt like it was the beginning of giving up.

Upset at Car SOS? Thats normal innit? 🙂

It all manifests differently from one person to another I think.  Sorry to hear your news.

I struggle two years on still from losing my dad in a car crash.  I think I repressed a lot of my grief as I didnt have time to deal with it back then.

Life is normal, grief seems to be always there under the surface.

But as I say, everyones circumstances are different

Dear All,

My father died very suddenly when I was 18 and he was 47. I am now 50.

Somehow my mother held us all together, my brother and I both developed good careers; he building, me an artist and teacher.

Oddly we all love cycling and my brother is the only one who can drive. My Mum has ridden in her 60's the Santiago trail alone.

The key is pick up the torch, ride through the mud and rain, ride in the morning/night, into the dawn and into the sunshine. Have the odd puncture and keep on going.

My mission is to die of old age on a bike.

“The key is pick up the torch, ride through the mud and rain, ride in the morning/night, into the dawn and into the sunshine. Have the odd puncture and keep on going”

One of the best things I have ever read on here.

My mum finally let go last Friday morning, 20 months after being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer.

In the end it had taken her mobility and her speech. We got the call last Tuesday to drive down and she was with her husband, her sons and one of her brothers at the end.

Her breathing was pretty distressing for her and us by Thursday night, so in a way I’m glad her suffering is over.

I’m doing ok so far, with the occasional week. I’m sure there will be plenty of tears at daft things over the next few years. (I already cry at Car SOS).

This came up in my Facebook memories thus morning, from 2010..

Bye Dad. On those late evenings when the sun has set and the gloaming descends, when the smell of fresh pine is rich in the air and the only sound is that of rushing water, you'll always be walking beside me.

That's pretty much held true. There are certain combinations of locations and experiences where he comes almost instantly to mind, and not in a morbid way. Those are the times I remember him with the greatest fondness and gratitude.

I guess its all very individual but my father passed away after the end of a very long illness that took his mind a long time before his body actually failed.

I went through a lot of guilt over feeling relief that wasn't at all helpful.

I suppose there are sudden and unexpected deaths at one end vs long and drawn out at the other and a lot of situations between those.

My fathers was way into the long drawn out... and I think the best thing I can say is to concentrate on earlier memories when they were well.  At first it seems more upsetting ... I'm thinking now about it... but its much more constructive to celebrate the good memories that make your dad special to you than think about the sick person that passed away and guilt at feeling releif...

Update....after quite a lot of rubbish sleep, dreams and low energy, I'm looking at reduced working hours for a bit and maybe some counselling.

Presently sat in GP's waiting room.

Moar time to ride! 😀

I lost my dad three years ago in March, and while I think I have always been susceptible to chronic depression, I really fell after his death. He was a deeply loving man, who suffered immensely right up until the last minute before he finally passed away, and I - together with my mum and brother - was there for all of it.

I have no idea why, but I have been quite bad this year since Christmas. Even though I remain on antidepressants, I have sunk again, I don't sleep well, and I never want to go out anywhere. Work is difficult, and I can't focus on much.

Mourning can affect you in surprising ways and, as has been said on here many times, will vary from person to person. Just take care of yourself, accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with mourning, and try to appreciate the care/concern of others.

Best wishes.

Something that helped me was to do things that the late relatives loved and remember them whilst doing it.  Small things generally.  The things we/I do: -

- As a family we make a point about stopping for coffee and a cake when we are out with the children

- I play certain records loudly when noone else is in the house or next door

- Go for long walks on cold & windy days

- Share memories - so important people are not forgotten too soon

- Enjoy a small Whisky Mac after a cold & windy walk

- Treacle/Ginger sponge & custard

- Allow myself to cry sometimes...

We do all of those bar the last - because they truly got pleasure from it.  Find something like that and enjoy it because and for them - something they loved about life.

Try it - you have nothing to lose.

Nice one, jamj1974. Some good ideas there.

Thanks guys. I've already written to some of mums cousins and friends which has helped and gone down well. Also planning visits to Ulster, and to spend more time with siblings now we won't be visiting her.

In some ways I'm really like her (looks not least) and it's a comfort noticing those. Eh just saved 30p by not using the toilets at Waverley, only just avoided wetting myself as I got on the train 😀

Moar time to ride! 😀

That's got to be a win in testing times.