[Closed] Losing my shit!

I'd say that was absolutely normal TBH.

That maybe true but I'd really like to not do it when my son is around.

Been there, done that. Gone as far as a physical violence against someone who close passed me, his wife and daughter were in the car.   Since then I’ve been deliberately a lot more relaxed about other people’s behaviours, especially in cars.  It’s just not worth it.  I noticed I got very aggressive when playing football as well, so had to quit that.

Having someone possibly endanger one of my kids... yeah, I can imagine that would get the Adrenalin spiking.

Does happen when’s it’s not your children/family?

I can walk away from pretty much anything except from perceived or real threats to my kids. Then I lose my shit big style. It’s something I’m working on because a. I want to try and set them a decent example and battering people probably doesn’t fall in that category and b. I’ll be a more effective parent if I’m not banged up.

Not easy though, I realise when it happens and try very hard to focus on something else. Works most of the time. The last time was when a couple of chavy youths on a motorcross bike came very close to wiping my eldest out on a blind corner in the woods. They probably still don’t realise how fortunate they were.

The answer has just been legalised in Canada. Might be here too hopefully

The answer has just been legalised in Canada. Might be here too hopefully

I'm not sure I could roll a joint that quickly anymore!!

Does happen when’s it’s not your children/family?

Sometimes. What really triggers me are bullies who clearly lack the bollocks  to say things face to face.

Well, you aren't alone - I get the same, fight or flight mode kicks in hard when myself or family are threatened - but my body just doesn't do the flight bit, I get the red mist instead.

Controlling your breathing helps....

dont see that you did anything wrong.

people sometimes need telling loudly and aggressivley that they are ****s.

Do you feel you were a bit to Frank?

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Its all a bit incident specific for me, if the perp is a complete dick like you experienced today then they can get ready. However a little old lady today literally just drove straight at us in a mini roundabout this afternoon, clearly away with the fairies, I consider myself a well switched on driving god and thankfully avoided the collision, howevèr rather than giving her both barrels like some would, mrsws and I both checked she was ok etc as she looked pretty upset. Don't sweat it id say, we all have our triggers.

Count to 20 or 30 instead.

You counted to 10 thats 11 better than me .

Agree with the sentiments expressed so far. Not nice for you and the family, but normal behaviour when your kids are involved.

Learn some better wittier insults to shout.

If he'd turned round and stopped would you have been prepared to actually go to to fisticuffs?

If he’d turned round and stopped would you have been prepared to actually go to to fisticuffs?

Yep 🙁

Stress I’d say.

@ vongassit - I'd forgotten about Frank the ****ing punisher Castle - whens season 2 out? 😀

You can belittle them whilst not losing your cool.
"ooh you flirt" works wonders
But yeah you need to grow up (pot, kettle, black here as I am/was just as bad).
The thing is a real man would not need to prove to himself or anyone else that they can tell someone off, just let it blow over you and save the fight for when an actual bad guy threatens you or your kids, what you were dealing with today was an actual bellend and wasting a moment of thought on him means he has beaten you already.
Just let it go.

"Oi you pedo, were you trying to touch my kid?"

"yeah, I'd run too, you weirdo"

Or something like that

How do you stop it..? Dunno.

I had a very similar moment yesterday. I am blessed to live in a nice rural area. Went for a little spin with my 7 year old on the lanes. Just as I was riding out of my village some arse coming the other way in a car squeezed through a section where there were some cars parked (on his side I might add) as we rode through. He had 2 opportunities to pull over and let us ride on uphill. Instead he 'close passed' my son coming in the other direction. Touchpaper immediately lit I shouted 'could have effin' waited'.

Screeches to a halt and starts reversing. The funny thing was he seemed incapable of reversing all the way up to where I'd stopped to watch him. So he just opened the door and asked if I'd said something. I told him to drive a bit more carefully to which he said 'no you didn't you said 'could have effin' waited'. I agreed with him and for some reason was feeling more calm and just said 'look mate, child on a bike on the road, you could have slowed down and let us pass safely'. He slammed the door and drove off.

Sorry for the long self disclosure. Like you I lost my shit. But somehow managed to gain my composure and when you are calm it seems you take the higher moral standpoint. And stops things escalating quickly when one of you is less emotional.

I wasn't proud of the language I used in front of my son. He was oblivious and asked me if the guy was a friend of mine! LOL.

But you're right. Spoilt a ride on a gorgeous day. At least my lad enjoyed it.

Mmmm, physical violence aside, is this not setting a GOOD example to your kids? Ie. Don't take shit from people. Call people out for being dicks, stand up for yourself etc etc.

I would prefer it not to involve a tirade of swearing and me being out of control!

Don't be too hard on yourself AA - swearings fun - go full bore, it only sounds silly if you swear like a middle class person - the more you sound like a psychotic regimental sergeant major the better.

It's also a valuable lesson for your kids, most people run away when you start swearing at  them like that. It's the equivalent of puffing your feathers up to make yourself look bigger in the animal world - aka a good survival technique.

What is it with you people and your shit.

Won't somebody think of the children/princess on board etc.

is this not setting a GOOD example to your kids?

No. No it's not. It shows you losing control in front of your wee man. It shows you swearing and shouting and making it normal to your wee man. You want to stop? Then stop. Cos your kids are learning this shit from you. This is how daddy handles things. Plus, one day someone will turn round and knock you out  stab you or spray you with some chemical.

diary you

Is this some new London term? 😀 I have never heard it.

Stealth edit...

If this is new behaviour then maybe you are stressed. If you've always been like it then grow up/dont worry about it!

If this is new behaviour then maybe you are stressed. If you’ve always been like it then grow up/dont worry about it!

Not new, growing up would be nice but hasnt happened yet, I wont hold my breath.

Anyone got any ideas of techniques that I could apply to such situations.

There is a fine line between sticking up for yourself, and flying off the handle uncontrollably when it isn't appropriate.

Anyone got any ideas of techniques that I could apply to such situations.

In the nicest possible way, grow up, and learn from your mistakes.  You have to learn to do this, there is no magic trick to stop you breaking rule 1.  You obviously don't want to repeat this behaviour, so try and anticipate when it might happen again (that might be at any time, initially), and think before reacting.  Easier said than done, but it is no more complex than that.  Wanting to change your behaviour is the first, and most important, step.  Make it important - think about the impact it has on your son.  He obviously copies your behaviour, as noted by your recent school/religion thread.  Go too far, and you are setting him a very bad example.

Obviously if this is being triggered by outside events (stress, as suggested), you need to deal with that separately.

Yeah, being less flippant, I'd say try to do a few more things that calm you down and make you feel less pensive on a day to day basis. When you feel less wound up over long periods of time, you are less likely to lose it.

What relaxes you AA? Do your hold in frustrations until everything builds up, or do you talk to your other half about whats pissing your off or playing on your mind?

Have you read the Chimp Paradox?

Buy a heavy bag, learn some combinations and spend twenty minutes each day doing four minute rounds. Great way to work off stress and will improve your overall fitness and coordination too.

I would prefer it not to involve a tirade of swearing and me being out of control!

Not new, growing up would be nice but hasnt happened yet, I wont hold my breath.

Anyone got any ideas of techniques that I could apply to such situations.

It sounds like you are already on your way ....

I can be a bit volatile by nature and never bothered to apply anything like a "lowering myself to their level" filter.

In general anyone threatens me I respond .. physically threaten me and I tend to respond pre-emptively however having got myself into a not dis-similar situation a while ago I figured that it's just not worth it in front of the kid.

I had a bloke in my face ... hovering on the edge of violence (literally frothing at the mouth and spitting all over me) and in normal circumstances I'd just have laid into him before he got a chance to lay into me.... but having my kid there I just played along until he backed down...

It later occurred to me that waiting for him to back down was a bit stupid.(and somewhat reliant on him backing down which retrospectively seemed unlikely as he was a lot bigger than me ).. and actually avoiding the situation in the first place would have been better.

The bloke and his wife were cycling the wrong way on a one way track to which I responded in a verbal way... (after which he decided to get in my face and start acting threatening) but realistically there was no need for me to say anything... no-one actually got hurt and chances are someone who isn't a parent, has a job they need to hold down etc. will say something in the next 10 mins.  If he wants to mix it up with them then .. well not my problem.

As it was my kid had to listen to him f-ing and blinding at me... and a real risk of me then getting into a fight so now this incident seems to pop up in my head BEFORE I start with the smart-ass comments... probably more so when he's with me but even when he isn't I'm still aware going to court for GBH is hardly going to create a good impression.

Anyway... that's what worked for me... and it sounds like you already have had the experience.

Work out how it could have played out... you lose pretty much either way...

You either get the shit kicked out of you in front of your kid or you kick the shit outa someone else in front of them and risk being prosecuted and getting a criminal record to boot.

Now you just need to remember... it took me nearly 50 years so ...

I've started giving a cheery "Thank You!"  or "How lovely to meet you" at the top of my voice instead of my previous "* off you ".

It works a treat.  I'm satisfied that I've responded strongly so I don't feel I'm just being a wimp, I don't get wound up, and should the offender detect (heaven forfend!) any sarcasm and come back for seconds then I'll feel justified for sending him home in a ****ing ambulance.

Have you read the Chimp Paradox?

You really should, best advice anyone can give.

Hi AA.

You're a teacher aren't you? What's your reputation around school? I mean amongst staff.

Are you the "shouty" teacher?

Had a run in with SLT lately? Ever been knocked back for a promotion?  Ever got yourself into a sticky situation with a student/parent? Ever just said a "little too much?"

Imagine being asked "dont come into work today" because SLT need to conduct an investigation.

Kinda focuses the mind when your ability to pay the mortgage comes into question.

Time to grow up?..... If you are still saying "no" after that.... then you need professional help.

Ah, Greenham Common!
That place attracts some idiots. People up there ride far too fast & far too close.
I rode up there with a local group once and was appauled with how they rode. Flat out through the single track wooded bits &r ound blind corners. They didn't slow for any one. People forget it's a shared use space. Not helped by the Strava routes running through the whole area. This behaviour from riders up there seems the norm saddly. Not sure why.

You're right though, the renovated control tower is great. The views out the top are lovely.

Had a run in with SLT lately? Ever been knocked back for a promotion?  Ever got yourself into a sticky situation with a student/parent? Ever just said a “little too much?”

No, not really. Funny thing is kids idiot behaviour doesnt bother me, they are kids there supposed to be idiots. Its when adults act like ****s I get pissed off as they are supposed to be adults...and yes I do see the irony in that statement. The professional me is very different from the actual me.

I grew up at Greenham in the 70’s, was love and peace/world war 3/Reagan era.

Happy days on my Raleigh Striker cutting fences, riding up runways, chased by Americans.

I digress...

Been thinking about this, I feel I’m getting more aggressive as I get older. I have two small children so I think I’m trying to be calm when out and about/driving etc but my partner seems to think I shout out of the window and get too involved.

Now, I would be the first person to say ‘they need to calm down’ but probably don’t realise it myself.

I am one to shout ‘Thankyou for that ‘ if they pass me and my kids on a trail, I probably wouldn’t back it up if honest with my kids in tow but I can’t help being British.

but my partner seems to think I shout out of the window and get too involved.

lol, well either you do or you don't?

If anything happens to me (close pass, bad driving etc), I usually just sigh or roll my eyes.  If it happens to my wife, or close friends, I can react unfavorably....

Missus rode across a crossing point on a shared path, about 4-5 seconds before a car got to us. Bloke turns to me and starts mouthing through his window, saying nasty things.  At first, I wondered what he was going on about.  He sped off down the road (into a load of speed bumps) before I could give him the V and told him to eff off!

For some reason, I just knew it wasn't over.  It's about another 1/4 of a mile to the next crossing. Little angry bloke had circled around (probably a 1.5 mile round trip to meet us at the next crossing. He stops at the crossing (on his green light) and asks me to repeat what I said.... so I did.

Then he starts making motions to pull his car over, so I just saw the red mist, jumped off my bike and ran at his car shouting all sorts. He then promptly stuck his foot down and ran a red light to get away while shouting "follow me then"!

Some people are just mouthy bullies and not much else. Anyone I've ever known who are "handy" or a bit mental have never been bullies. I should add this sort of thing only happens about once every 5 years 🙂

I remember once I had to walk away because I suspected a guy was drunk and had some sort of weapon in his pocket. There were children on the street too. That one was trying to goad his dog into attacking ours (who were on leads). He was very careful not to engage my missus though (probably because she would have had him!! :))

Lots of people are angry and aggressive inside the protection of their car. It's kind of a lazy-peacock posture. Unfortunately the amount of people who are prepared to jump out of their car to "have a word" with a tyre iron, baseball bat etc it's just not even worth having a go. I certainly am not going to get aggro at someone if my kids are in the car. Karma's a bitch, and ultimately people usually get what they deserve.

To quote a kids film....., "Let it gooooooo!"

I lost it today.  Picked up Jnr from School, and as I turned into my road a woman with a small - 5yo - kid on a scooter stood by the side of the road looking me right in the eye while I indicated and turned right into the road...

...and then preceded to walk in front of the car dragging the kid/scooter with her.   After I slammed on the brakes still halfway across the opposite carriageway I couldn't help myself although I managed not to swear - obviously I'd stopped - I opened the window and ranted angrily at her for a full 30s about how she had a screw loose and has put herself and the kid in danger, notwithstanding showing him the worst possible example of how to cross a road.  Her retort in defense or nearly killing her own kid - its my fault I should be ready to stop for a child.

I mean wtf is wrong with people!!

That sort of behaviour* will be the norm when autonomous cars take over...

*The crossing in front of cars, not (so much) the ranting, that is

If she'd started into the road before you'd turned in, she has priority. 🙂

Yup - unbeknown to most car drivers a pedestrian has  priority if they are crossing a side road before a car turns into it.  so from your description she was in the right and you were in the wrong

as I turned into my road a woman with a small – 5yo – kid on a scooter stood by the side of the road... ...and then preceded to walk in front of the car dragging the kid/scooter with her.   After I slammed on the brakes still halfway across the opposite carriageway

Stop trolling Kryton 😂. He was clearly manoeuvring before the pedestrian made her move. HC Rule 170 is clear that the pedestrian only has right of way if crossing the road before the driver makes the turn. Which is common sense, really.

Stop trolling Kryton

You're no fun. I wanted to see if he'd lose his shit over a story about losing his shit 🙂

😂😂😂 Apologies. As you were...

@anagallis_arvensis I know where you coming from, as I've got myself into these situations before and every single time i regret them.

Don't beat yourself up about this happening, your perfectly entitled to get angry about it, but you already know its how you react that's the problem.

For some reason I will always call people out on their bullshit too and get myself into difficult situations, similar to what @stevextc said, is it worth doing? 99% of the time its not.  But sometimes you just cant help it.

In terms of finding a solution I think the suggestions to read the Chimp Paradox are well worth following.

Hmmmm,

I don't "do" this - but the other week a chimp in a campervan offered me out and it was only the thought that I'd likely lose my job that stopped me from taking him up (losing my teeth didn't seem to be a factor at the time, though I was in no way a cert for the win)

week a chimp in a campervan

Was as it a white VW in south Birmingham?

This thread helped me to not loose my sh!t. I was driving through a cross roads which requires some give an take to flow smoothly, I looked right and it was clear, looked left and saw said van approaching at a distance, so I cross, as I do so he speeds up and tries to drive around me by swinging into the exit I am moving towards. This then prevents me from moving. Instead of manoeuvring around and going on his way he starts beeping and shouting.

I was about to get out, tell him that I could not take him seriously because he had an eyebrow ring and then try to put my foot in his c**t, when this thread can to mind. I then asked him “ if he was going “as the traffic was building up. He cupped his ear in a prehensile way to suggest I should get out and say it, so I shrugged with arms out and looked around. He followed my gaze and could see traffic blocked by his action in all four roads and tens of parents and children on the pavements who couldn’t cross looking at him. His expression changed, realising they though he was a knob even if I had misjudged my manoeuvre. He drove off rapidly and everyone got on with their life. Thanks AA.

I think he must have thought I deliberately pulled out, so instead of slowing to aid traffic flow he tried one up on me, but the bollard in the centre of my exit prevented him doing so. If people get aggro I think it has a knock on effect and everyone gets less patient with the next person to make a mistake/ misjudgement. That’s what happens most of the time, nothing deliberate.

I’m not having a good week.

Over the last year we’ve put up with an escalation of some local hobby-ist lockup’s opposite the house into full scale recovery trucks, engines left running, radios left on shouting swearing and devil may care driving on a residential street sometimes at 1am weekends.  Several complaints have sent the people evicted.   On top of that a council vehicle knocked our front wall down earlier in the year, and we’ve just had it fixed via thier payout.

So imagine after 2hrs sleep because of an issue Friday night/Saturday morning with another “vehicle delivery” and I’m watching yesterdays rugby with one eye on the suddenly rapidly increasing number of recovery trucks outside.  Suddenly, I spot one clearly about to reverse into our wall, and before I’ve got outside, he does.

Well, I lost it.  The “main” garage guy who was giving directions quickly turned on his mate “I told him, I told him to wait” he said.   Well, that was it.  I really ranted and was genuinely very upset, shouting at them that I was “done with ****ing tow trucks, mess, noise and damage” that they cause, sick of thier excuses and ~I’m phoning the police for criminal damage and the council for illegal vehicle repair on the public highway” lots of heated discussion was had but I was really on one and would have happily punched anybody.  Took a photo of the vehicle and plate much to thier argument.

In the end, I’ve never seen as many recovery trucks and vans disappear from a place so fast.  They clearly knew they were taking the piss.  To be fair the driver calmly reappeared with his name and phone number and offered to pay for the wall to be fixed (again) if we could kindly provide an estimate.

The good thing about this is that the curtains were well and truly twitching in the neighbouring houses.  I know other people have complained anonymously because we’ve received other letters from the council, so I’m glad now the neighbourhood has witnessed the breaking of the final straw and hopefully this will deter any more such activity.

Man, I’ve never been so angry in 20 years, but it’s needed to be done and we need to stand up for themselves sometimes without fear of becoming the accused.

Good work

That sounds rough K57. You are entitled to go off on one there, yours is a situation that has continued and escalated.