[Closed] longevity in a marriage?

Communication, honesty, and being able to roll with things as they come up.

Liking each other. I say this as I see and talk to so many people who seem to despise their other half, it's very odd.

The ability to compromise and never going to bed on an argument.

The ability to accept that neither party is perfect.

Separate beds.

Being flexible with the truth, not listening and avoiding common interests.

deafness.

This goes for more than marriage, but if you accept that life is basically suffering/shit, and don't fight against it, you end up more content in work, relationships, and everything else.
Plus 1 for low expectations 8)

Affairs.

Affairs.

...and, presumably, hiding your STW posting history?

And anti depressants, actually.

Not specifically for the marriage, but every little helps.

Wanting to put the needs of your other half before your own.

I'd been with my partner for 30 years prior to her death but had she met someone that made her happier than I did then I would rather she was with them than me.

Compomise

Fear

Great sex

Don't be a dick.

Great sex

I think MoreCashThanDash covered that already 😉

Don't be a dick

...or a bitch.

Dunno, not sure long relationships are a good thing.

Long enough to bring up some kids then off to do something else seems more logical.

I think Lunge and MuppetWrangler have it.

If you have this then

Great sex

Usually follows.

[img] [/img]

Good communication.

"Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees."

I'm not sure there is one single magic ingredient. Continuing the metaphor, it's like cooking. Some ingredients work really well together, complimenting each other to make the sum better than the parts. Some ingredients work and are perfectly palatable, but are never going to be more than just OK together. Some ingredients should never ever be put together. You can keep choking the resultant concoction down but eventually you'll be fed up of feeling nauseous all the time.

Id say, choose someone you actually like as a person.
Its all very well being dazzled by lovely tits/ass/abs/muscles* etc, but its not really a basis for a great relationship.
*delete as applicable
Also, have some time doing what YOU enjoy on your own, occasionally, im convinced this is really important also.

Been with wife for 12 years, barely a cross word in that time.

MoreCashThanDash - Member
And anti depressants, actually.

Not specifically for the marriage, but every little helps.

I did this one, during a short break in an argument I popped several diazepam I use to conquer flying issue unseen. I was partially aware of being moaned at for the next two hour's whilst in higher state of bliss.

In seriousness, communication, understanding and working together has worked for us, from mixing drinks together in our early twenties to cooking pasta sauce a few minutes ago.

Its all very well being dazzled by lovely tits/ass/abs/muscles* etc, but its not really a basis for a great relationship.

Is it for a short time or until the onset of kids have physiological issues.

"Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees."

I'm not sure my strong wind is helping to be honest.

One of the secrets is being able to keep yourself amused without having to

a) Spend loads of money
b) Do something life changing.

I asked my wife out when i was 15. I am now 40 and married for 17yrs with 2 kids and dont know my adult life without her. I have seen my 2 brothers and countless others go through the same process time and time again.

1) Meet girl and shag a lot
2) Get engaged to girl and shag a lot
3) Move in together and shag a lot
4) Get married and shag a lot
5) Move house to a bigger house and maybe shag a little less
6) Have a kid - lots less shagging
7) Maybe have another kid
8) Tired parents with a couple of kids, a nice house and stable home
9) I'm bored...............

Thats when the problem hits after about 5-7yrs because you havent had time to catch breath and be a little bored. You can only go on so many expensive holidays until they just become a blur. You can only buy so many bikes before they become a blur. You can only move house so many times and if it isnt a home by now then it never will be.

You start getting bored. Expecially the inherantly selfish MTBer who leaves his wife and kids for hours/days/weeks at a time to go off with his mates. Spends countless hours and pounds on bikes that the rest of the family dont understand. It goes on and on and its blatantly obvious why one or both people in the relationship get extremely bored.

I find my wife more attractive every day (She doesnt appreciate my wandering hands). She slaps my hands when i am in a playful mood but she still gets upset if i go a few days without bothering her so i know she likes it really 🙂 I spend lots of times with the kids. I encourage her to see her friends but tbh she is a homebird. She doesnt make much effort to go out too often and doesnt go to the gym or such. She likes that i am the active one and i encourage the kids to do everything they can. She is the glue who organises things and keeps everything ticking over and i appreciate it more every day.

Bottom line, when we get the odd 5 mins to talk together and we catch breath, we try to show our appreciation of what each other offer and understand each others frustrations. It doesnt happen too often but sometimes these 5mins can highlight things that could become an issue. It may be boring and not cost anything or be an activity but it may just be the solution to saving your marriege. If when all the excitement dies down and things become 'normal' you cant handle it, well thats the problem

Do some stuff together, do some stuff individually, accept the quirks and ensure your annual bike spend is less than hers.

I only base this on my friends and family to avoid their pitfalls, but I timing helps - lots of people I know got married very young, early 20s to the only person they'd ever gone out with. They all seemed to have very elaborate weddings, and took it very seriously - oh you're daren't refer to their partner as anything other than Wife or Husband, they took that very badly. Classic over compensation - anyway 5-10 years later and they were going through the most brutal, bitter divorces.

Others seemed to me that they wanted a fancy wedding more than they wanted to be married, and others expected marriage to be some magic potion to make their relationship stronger (still a better idea than having a Baby to bring them together) - but really, when it you boil it down the nuts and bolts - marriage is a mutual contract that states that you promise you won't marry anyone else, well unless you get this one nullified first - I don't change anything really.

As for 'maintaining' ours, I a big believer in trying not to take each other for granted, trying to be as honest and open as possible, always have each other’s back - we don't always agree on everything, but I'll never take anyone else’s side against her and generally making an effort. I don't want to be in one of those relationships when they just bicker constantly, I don't get it - some of my friends just seem to spend their days chipping away at each other and looking for ways to upstage each other - I'm sure 5 years ago it started as playful teasing, but it's evolved into something darker. I fear one day they'll realise they actually hate each other and they're only their out of habit.

When my Kids are older I'll advise them not to get married until they're at least 30, you change so much in your 20s. Not to take it too seriously, don’t spend more than you really can, or should on the actual wedding - if I was to try to draw up a list of the 50 greatest days of my life - I'm not sure it would make the list, I was nervous before the ceremony, more nervous before the speech, uncomfortable in a stupid suit I'd never wear in real life and exhausted by the end of it.

Frankly whilst I'm married, I still down really believe in it, I still think it's just an overly expensive, slightly boring party that's way more fun for your guests, given the choice I'd have spent the money on a years traveling instead, but I do love my Wife dearly and she wanted to do it, and I've no plans to be in a relationship with anyone else.

I'm at the age where people I know are just starting to get married. I know loads of people in very mediocre relationships where they're constantly moaning about their other half. They stay together out of convenience I suppose. Maybe a marriage lasts when you start out with the right person. Most people seem to settle into a rut and ride it out as long as possible.

I was in a relationship that got very tedious and lasted much longer than it should have. When her mother started trying to plan our wedding I bailed out. It never would have lasted. I was just scared to rock the boat as it meant sacrificing my place on the property ladder and starting from scratch.

I'm with someone now that I would never be without so I consider myself lucky. Even though I've been between homes and jobs and permanently skint for the last few years. At least I'm not going through a divorce.

I learned, from the marriage guidance, that 3 things would've kept our marriage going (decree absolute arrived on the doorstep this very day).
1. Communication when we were in early trouble
2. Communication in later trouble
3. Communication when it was all breaking down.

Oh, and could've done without me mountain biking every weekend when the baby was born.. (But communication might've resolved that!)

The ability to ignore the £71 haircut I noticed on the joint statement the other day...the bitch 😉

A big pair of baps.

I wish mine spent £71 on a haircut. Mine spends £125!

A big pair of baps.

Ideally containing bacon.

Making the right choice initially is the most important factor, then being prepared to compromise.

I think there is a quality vs quantity issue too. I was with my ex-wife for nearly 25 years, I do not think that was a success in of itself or noteworthy for a good reason. I think it would be possible for people to have a good marriage for 10 years and divorce and that be better than my experience.

For us, I suppose actually being good friends. You can't really spend that much time with someone you only like half the time.

£125!

doesn't really matter

ideally containing bacon.

In the same way as today is the first day of the rest of your life, today is the first day of the rest of your marriage. You, the two of you, decide which way it goes with your words and actions.

I think there is an element of luck as well as the things mentioned up there.

The person I married is unrecognisable from the person she is now- Divorced but we did 20 years together. Neither of us could have predicted this but the truth is I dont like the person she is now and she does not like the person I am. Communication would not have helped.

euphemism?

Realism 😀

Sorry Mols was your comment aimed at my post and serious ??

Because in chez Rosey it actually the reverse of what jamj1974 says

Communication we find is better when we are at it regularly.

The Mrs spotted it a few years back when we where at point 6 of Littlesthobos list.

If you can get past the fact the above is probably the ultimate willy wave, you? others ?? might find it works ???

I wish mine spent £71 on a haircut. Mine spends £125!

Mine has a three day 300 mile round trip to get her hair done. I have no idea what the total cost is.

lovely tits/ass

Well. It certainly helps. I didn't marry a hot young thing. I married the lady I wanted to be the mother of my children.

I'm a lot happier since I had mine stuffed

TBH best thing that's happened to us is Mrs s taking voluntary redundancy and staying home with the kids. Means we've both got time to breathe and do stuff together of an evening

No idea I just wing it.

I have been with my Mrs for ...about 12 years ish...could be more! Not married yet though so cant help with this thread.

Financially independent, no kids, some shared hobbies and of equal intelligence with similar views.

Then your compromises will be so small they wont matter.

Take your time to fine the best person you can.

I didn't marry a hot young thing. I married the lady I wanted to be the mother of my children

I find that such an alien concept. My mum is a great mother but is not want to marry her...

I married a girl who I get on with better than anyone else in the world. Someone who I'd walk on glass for and who'd do the same for me. And someone who I fancy, and still fancy. Her motherly skills didn't even cross my mind.

Separate hobbies.
Alcohol.
Having enough money not to have to argue about it.

Separate hobbies.

Earplugs.

[i]I married the lady I wanted to be the mother of my children[/i]

[i] My mum is a great mother but is not want to marry her..[/i]

He didn't say he wanted her to be a great mother, just have his children. I'm sure you don't want your mother to have [i]your[/i] children. (I hope)

If you marry someone you don't like in the first place, you need your head tested surely.
The issue with "marrying your best friend" is that friends can also start disliking one another over time. People change or reveal different aspects to their personality over time.

Check out the parents for an idea what to expect.
My Mother in Law was basically Nursey from Blackadder.
🙂

I got married at 21 and we've been married 25 years now (together 27). No idea why it works, just does!

Most people would have separated though after the shite we've been through over the years.

Has anyone mentionned having a shed?

Rusty Spanner - Member

Check out the parents for an idea what to expect.
My Mother in Law was basically Nursey from Blackadder.

😆 Pete having met your other 1/2 I can see that being true. You look after her 😀

Despite all the problems we have with her MS my wife of 34 years still makes me laugh & cry so I guess we are stuck with each other.

redstripe - Member

Has anyone mentionned having a shed?

First time I met t'other half's grandparents. Grandad turned his hearing aid off and smiled at me.

I think a secret was being passed on 🙂

some interesting stuff here....some shyte and bravado.
me and the mrs have been married 26 years today. just been out for a nice meal and a few pints of blonde.
we just get on well and always have. we cycle together, we drink together, and she gets my sense of humour....most dont. 😀

Met when we were 15 and have been together for 30 years now.
I guess just try to find the right one first time.
Oh.... and forgiveness.

You can start with the person you always want to be with, a great friend, partner and mother, and then things change.

You or she or both grow, change, maybe you become different in how much you want to go out, to have sex, or do other stuff, and bringing up the kids is good but gets between you, and then you become two friends in the same house, with fewer shared interests, but a common history that holds you together. Then you get glimpses of what it could, should have been.

I did 26 years married, perhaps 20 good ones. Decree Absolute came through last week.

But just because a relationship ends doesn't mean if failed. Every relationship you are in will end until you are in one where one of you dies.

I'm now with someone I hope to do another 25 years with. We shall see. I really hope so.

But it's easy to congratulate oneself on how things are going, to whistle in the dark against bad stuff happening. To assume it's skill and choices rather than blind luck, or lack of alternatives that keeps you together. One thing one really can learn from the threads here is how many people's relationships go titsup unexpectedly.. I think there is some hubris on display here. But good luck everyone:)

Mrs Taxi and myself have been together 33yrs. She's easy going and lets me get away with 99% of my nonsense, that alone reduces tensions to a minimum. But it hasn't all been plain sailing :(. Probably the main reason where still together is the fact that we're each others best friend, if we weren't that it would have been over years ago.

Communication. If the other one is pissing you off, you tell them and sort it out.

Luck.

Love.

Good set of boobs.

^^^^
True,I've got a lovely set of boobs and the wife loves them.

Growing a pair and readjusting again. When one partner becomes controlling then the bickering and resentment starts.

1990/91 here. The key is for me to wear the trousers and her to tell me what colour they should be.

but why though? (longevity). The problem is the idea of marriage, or long term relationships. We don't apply the same principles to friendships, they come and go mostly.
Trying to make a relationship 'work' for the sake of anything inhibits freedom to be oneself, in either or both parties. Which is a freedom too easily surrendered.

Therefore for me, someone you marry must truly be a friend for life, a genuine soul mate. Besides a sensible minority, the vast majority rush into choosing life partners because it's a social norm.

Helps if she's a Guide leader and has lots of weekends away camping in the rain 😉

(Missing you really darling. Looking forward to you coming home. Less keen on all your washing and the soaking wet kit and tents cluttering up the garage)

Apathy and the knowledge that splitting up would only spoil another couple.

Trying to make a relationship 'work' for the sake of anything inhibits freedom to be oneself, in either or both parties.

I (try to!) make my relationship work for the sake of me, my wife and my kids. Why wouldn't I? Does that mean I make some compromises that inhibit freedom to be myself? Of course it does; it's not just about me any more. I know my wife (and kids) make compromises too.