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In 2 weeks time it will be the 2 year anniversary since Lyanda passed away. 2 long and difficult years. 2 years where each day has gone slowly but time has passed so quickly. Where did that time go? Somehow I'm still here, I really don't know how. And what has happened in those 2 years? Plenty. I am a wreck. A very depressed and anxiety filled wreck. One emotionally unstable father. A father who wishes he could do more for the 4 children he is raising and trying to support.
I was hoping it would be a more positive post after all this time, but the lockdown has put a stop to that. At the end of February I joined a gym to start a 16 week fitness course, doing something for me for a change. Time to try and get fit again and lose the weight I've put on through comfort eating. Trying to gain a positive outlook on things instead of wallowing in self pity as I have done all along. Then in the middle of March lockdown happens.
It's always the way. Any time I have tried to do anything for myself over the past couple of years, something catastrophic has happened to stop it. It sounds like an exaggeration, but honestly it's not. It's as if I'm being punished for doing something to help me. I know its an irrational way of thinking about it, but that's the way i see it.
As for the kids, they're feeling it too. One is constantly self harming and having suicidal thoughts. Another has become self conscious and angry through his emotions. Another is an emotional wreck and worries all the time, even about the slightest little thing. The other is too young to fully understand, but traits of anger and frustration are building. I understand these characteristics are part of growing up, but they seem more emphasised than what they would normally be.
An anonymous call was made by someome to social services saying I was struggling. They have been involved for a while. Camhs are still involved weekly and i am in contact with the doctor and hospital too. Between everyone they say they are trying to get all of us the help, support and counselling we should have had from the beginning. Nothing has happened as yet. This has all been promised before and nothing has come of it. I can only hope it will be more positive this time.
But through it all, I try and smile. I try and laugh. I try and joke around. Not like I used to, but I try. Anything to try and bring back some normality to us all. It's not working though. As far as I'm concerned I am failing. There is constant shouting, fighting and arguing between them. Yes the kids are all fed, clean, clothed and have a roof over their heads. But they deserve more. They deserve a Dad who is able to be there for them and look after them better than I can at the moment. I seem to go from being OK, to sad, to upset, to frustrated, to angry, to shouting, to ignoring them and it keeps going round in circles. Yes, pretty normal parent behaviour. But it's too constant. I honestly can't remember the last time I properly smiled or properly laughed. The person I see in the mirror is not the person I want to be.
I am alone. I am lonely. Constantly miserable. I've lost all motivation for anything. Everything is a struggle and a battle. I see no way past this. I hate who I've become. I hate this life. I hate me. Any time I see a glimmer of hope it gets ripped away. I am drowning. Drowning in life. Drowning in loneliness. Drowning in worry. Drowning in debt. Drowning in my own thoughts. I cry most nights. Sometimes I am so exhausted and feel so alone I can't cry, even though I need to. The first update to my blog was last week since December, I couldn't find the words to say anything. Something has to give and things need to change, I just don't know what or how.
This is not the post I wanted to put up. This isn't a cry for help, it's just me being honest. Whenever I've spoken to anyone before, the one thing I keep getting told is they like how open and honest I've been about everything. So here it is again.
All the messages, support and generosity we've had from everyone over the past few years is amazing. I truly thank you all from the bottom of my heart. One day, I honestly hope to write a nice and positive post. That day will come, hopefully.
I don't have much I can say other than I've been in a similar situation making a post like this in the past, life can be rough, I've been through being a single dad and had social services involved etc in the past but things eventually got better and life isn't so bad anymore.
You've done amazingly well to look after 4 kids on your own! I was on my own with 2 of them and it was difficult to say the least.
There's no magic answer or solution I can give you but coming on here to say this or just talking to anyone about it is the right thing to do.
Sounds like you are doing an amazing job considering the circumstances. Covid 19 is a further kick in the nuts. Unfortunately getting effective support from CAMHS is alway san uphill struggle, but just keep pestering them - you'll get the support the kids needs eventually. Where about are you? I might be able to signpost you to other services, although social services should be doing that. Social services will want to put sustainable support/change in place so they can withdraw - get everything from them that you can.
Sorry, I'm sure you know all of the above. What age are the children? School will have counsellors/ Parent and Family Support Advisors, most of which should still be working, albeit in different ways. Are any of the kids the right year groups to be back in school?
That is an awful situation and I have no personal experience to draw upon to advise. However, this and other of your posts show a man who is deeply invested in the well-being of his family, please just make sure you don't neglect yourself? Have you thought of working out at home, the positive effects of exercise can only be a positive.
If on the off chance you live in the south west, I'd be happy to join you on a socially distanced ride if you can get away at all and if that would be helpful.
I should also add that we, as a family, have also had dealings with CAMHS and it's a beneficial, though slow, route to be on.
You are doing amazingly well considering the challenges! Covid is punishing everyone to varying degrees, youre not alone.
Sounds to me like your kids should qualify for a bit of schoool time given the situation. It's for your sanity as well as their wellbeing. Ask.
And keep posting.
Mate, I can't relate to exactly what you're going through but this lockdown thing has kicked a lot of people to the kerb so don't be hard on yourself, it sounds like your doing an amazing job, I'm a single dad and 1 boy is enough for me I know how tough that can be, like you said you signed up for a 16-week fitness course that's an awesome step when you don't feel great, I promise you things will get better,
For you have you ever considered a martial art? mountain biking is great If you can get others to go out with you but I've found Brazilian Jui Jitsu a good place to get out some of that frustration and make some lifelong friends, have a look and make time for yourself, yes the kids need you but you also feeling good will help them even more, I went down the route of just putting everything into my son and forgetting about me but that's important as well, I started feeling it after a bit so made some changes.
if you message me your email I've got a couple of things I can send you that may help.
What part of the country are you in? It might be useful for people to recommend helpful services.
Big G, you're doing better than I think I could.
That hope is still there - you're last comment about one day you feeling better and more positive, it will happen.
Virtual hugs.
My heart goes out to you, you seem so deserving of feeling the exact opposite to how you currently are.
Without knowing you at all from what you ave said I can find one very obvious positive which it may be useful to focus on and that is that however bad things have been your still here and with your kids, you’ve survived and managed to bring up 4 kids on your own whilst feeling the way you do. A lot of people wouldn’t be able to do that, so take some credit and focus on that achievement. We’ll No doubt be out of lockdown soon and if you can pick back up with the gym, in the meantime get into some routines at home and set some regular and achievable goals that should help you greatly by way of distraction.
Keep at it.
I think you’re doing incredibly well even managing to survive! My wife just had a complete meltdown because these past months have been so tough with two young children and a baby - and she has me to share the load (I am vaguely useful...)
Internet-man-hugs from me.
RM.
Very sorry to read that mate, I truly am. Lockdown has unfortunately made it difficult for everyone under normal circumstances so I can only imagine how difficult things are for you guys. Wish there was something I could do or say to help or just take that pain away. Have you tried the Samaritan’s?
I think it is great thank you have the confidence to post message here how you feel, its very brave and shows that you are trying to keep sane for want of a better word.
I can't relate to your exact situation but I have put myself through some awkward times and they were fundamentally self imposed so your situation is VERY different but hopefully a few things that might help.
1) Try to create a list of things you want to improve / work on, lumping everything into one massive pot of despair just adds to your burden you feel. Break them down, you can't deal with everything in one go - thats not fair to impose that on yourself
2) Try to find one (or more) positive things a day, however small.
3) Exercise - no excuse find yourself some time, get some endorphins going - it will help however small its a start - I'd imagine 90%+ of us on here would go a little batshit if we didn't ride. You owe it to yourself (please). I do appreciate it might be hard to get the motivation but do it early in the day so life doesn't get in the way.
4) You need to deal with your debt situation, there are a number of options available and its none of my business how much debt you are in but clearly it bothers you, it is something there is help for. Beware of scams and any questions post back here or message me if thats possible.
Its so hard to know what else to say, you can chip away at this. There are lots of things you can try but to start you need to find a way just to give yourself some peace in your head (hence the list) and please don't be too hard on yourself the fact you post here shows you want things to change, however hard that might seem right now.
My thoughts are with you matey - don't be silent.
I don’t know what I can say or do to help, I don’t think there’s anything I could, just wanted to say you’re awesome for battling through this.... And you will get through this, no matter how hard it is to see at the moment
Your pains sound very real & are clearly causing you so much suffering. May I suggest looking into meditation particularly mindfulness. I too have suffered my own traumas & I’m also the father of 4 kids. I discovered mindful meditation of which I knew very little of before & tbh was probably sceptical through ignorance. It was without doubt a complete life changing experience. Coming to the realisation that one doesn’t have to be a slave to thoughts feeling or emotions & that consciousness is through gentle calm reflection a place of peace & tranquility. It helped me come to terms with my traumas & difficult life situations I found a peace I could only dream of. It doesn’t make the pains & suffering disappear it gave me the insight to be able to understand what they are - just thoughts.
There's no way I can in any way understand what you've been going through for so long but two things stand out to me from what you wrote:
Yes the kids are all fed, clean, clothed and have a roof over their heads. But they deserve more.
That's more than a lot of kids get. That's an achievement in itself.
They deserve a Dad who is able to be there for them and look after them better than I can at the moment.
You recognise that your current situation is not normal and are willing to do things to change it. That's a big difference to the people who don't care about being a role model to their kids.
Never feel ashamed to ask for help, whether that's on here or through a charity, your doctor etc. Your call will not go unanswered.
I just wanted to echo ReluctantJumper's comments on what your kids have and you should be proud of that. Very proud. Focus on that rather than what they deserve or "should" have.
Can you make exercise a joint effort? Didn't have to be in a gym - get a simple circuit round the local park, take the kids, walk or jog round, and do a designated exercise in a designated place. They can race it if they want, just get round it.
I can't offer any more but don't do yourself a disservice. You're doing a grand job.
You're doing a great job in very very tough circumstances and like others have said even harder with what's going on in the world right now.
As soon as we're allowed over the bridge we'll call by mate.
Everything you ever post shows how much you love your kids. You’ve had the toughest of everything and it’s amazing how you’ve kept going. I don’t have anything practical to add but I’d like you to know you’re admired - for fortitude, resilience, guts, strength, honesty, self sacrifice and a bunch more besides. That’s not meant to mean you have to keep toughing it out on your own, just that I hope you recognise all you’ve achieved. Keep swimming.
I'm not going to say much, but I am going to say this.
We love you. We admire you. We are thankful you are part of our (sometimes grouchy, sometimes obnoxious, always caring) community.
You've got this far. You can go on.
the kids are all fed, clean, clothed and have a roof over their heads
And have a Dad who loves them.
If it wasn't for this situation a big social ride may be in order. Not a solution but a break from things.
gnusmas
I am alone. I am lonely. Constantly miserable. I’ve lost all motivation for anything. Everything is a struggle and a battle. I see no way past this. I hate who I’ve become. I hate this life. I hate me. Any time I see a glimmer of hope it gets ripped away. I am drowning. Drowning in life. Drowning in loneliness. Drowning in worry. Drowning in my own thoughts. I cry most nights. Sometimes I am so exhausted and feel so alone I can’t cry, even though I need to.
Something has to give and things need to change, I just don’t know what or how.
Alan you have put it perfectly, I know exactly where you are.
Only you have some great children who honestly do love you but are going through their own version of your loss so will probably get things wrong that possibly makes things harder.
Every day you will be reminded of Lyanda through the wonderful people you both created.
I can't imagine how hard it must be to have that reminder in your face every day.
You have shown to be possibly one of the best people most of us could wish to be.
Can you delegate to your kids?
It's in their interests to help you make this work.
Gnusmas
What can I say, you've survived all of it, kept the kids clothed, fed and a roof over their heads - there are I'm sure people with less than 10% of your difficulties who've done a **** of a lot less. I cannot possibly imagine how tough this is for you but you, sir, are a machine and a legend to keep going against everything. You're never alone with STW (mainly because it's populated by weirdos who are up and about all sorts of weird hours).
I have no words of wisdom other than to say you're doing awesome and I hope you get the help that you richly deserve.
Do the new "bubble" rules help you at all - single parent families can benefit from them I think so maybe there's something there that might help with hooking up with another household? Can't remember where you are maybe the wrong side of a border for that yet?
There is constant shouting, fighting and arguing between them
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you have four kids. This is absolutely normal. That’s a sign that you are doing a great job! My brother in law is in the same position as you. Worry when they stop fighting. I am being serious.
It’s not easy being a superhero. You’re making the grade. My mother was one too (gone four years this week so I’m in a bad mood at the moment). So is my brother in law.
We are in a depressing situation at the moment although nothing like as bad as yours and we do have a way out but I do sympathise with all your feelings. Lockdown has turned bad lives into intolerable lives for plenty of people.
All I can say is that as you deal with the small issues, other things do improve. Keep chipping away around the edges of it and try to make practical changes to resolve issues.
Shit Gnusmas. I can’t really add anything positive apart from a virtual hug and to tell you that I think you are coping way better with things than I would ever have done.
Stick with it. We’re behind you.
I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I can’t relate exactly to these most challenging of circumstances, but I do know that feeling of drowning, the constant battles just to get through the day, and the repeated loss of that tiny glimmer of hope.
I developed PTSD after the sudden death of my long-term partner and am finally well into recovery after a long, hard struggle. It took determination, and sustained and focused effort over a long period. From everything you’ve said on here, it seems clear that you already have inside of you the things you need to pull through this - maybe most importantly, the desire.
Some things that helped me:
A good trauma therapist
Emotional support from a good friend
Regular meditation (I practise TM)
A good routine, early to bed
Regular exercise (just a short walk at first)
Over time, learning to accept setbacks, and each time to steady myself before starting again to take small steps forwards - I found my resilience increased with each cycle
Writing down even the smallest good thing that happened each day (at the start this could just have been eating my favourite biscuit, or watching a good show on tv). I think it helped subtly shift my perspective in a more optimistic direction. The list grew with time, and became a record of my achievements, and a reminder of the progress I’ve made since the darkest of days - I still do this
I’m sure there are others, but these are the ones which sprang to mind at first. I guess I just kept trying, and finally things started to come good.
I hope something here helps, even if it is just the support of a stranger. I truly wish you well. Please keep posting.
Gnusmas, the way you described you are feeling I get a lot, and did get by Friday at work. I’ve had a bad week, a friends online funeral, Mrs K got made redundant.
BUT where I have to sit down and remind myself to put that shit away and hug my kids / not argue with my wife you do it naturally in spades.
I wish I was as good as Dad as you are.
We are all with you, and for those of us reading your posts be sure that a lot of people are looking up to you and marvelling at your efforts. I’m sure it’s not easy but you are a bloody hero, never forget that.
How about an STW Zoom chat? We could arrange an online meeting where you can come and have a chat and invite the boys also? I’m sure there’s a few on here that could crack a joke or two and bring some smiles.
That day will come, hopefully.
It's only five words out of a long posting, but the fact you finished with it is a great sign. Shows that deep down the real you is still there, and still fighting.
Gnusmas, thanks for your update. It means you are still alive! Believe it or not, there’s loads of people who think that’s a fantastic state of affairs.
If you are trying to solve your problems, then its mean you are still alive and struggling. This is the life, but i hope after all such stuff there is positivity waiting for you.
Not heard from you in a week or so Al, so I just thought I'd bump this and check in.. Really wish there was more I could do personally to help other than offer the standard platitudes of saying how amazed I've always been that you've suffered so much and yet are still able to somehow keep going. Big man-hugs sent your way.
PM'd you - Any response, even **** off is welcome.
gnusmas
I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through, but I can empathise. You seem like you're doing as well as anyone could. Keep going, and keep talking through STW if it helps even a little.
Just seen this!!
trusting you're battling on
I came down off 150mg of Sertraline recently and feeling much more improved, brighter mood on 50mg
I'd say ime keep in touch with your GP as I found out it takes a lot of pushing myself to make contact with any services
Mental health services are in an appalling state still to this day especially here in Devon
I didn't even realise how tbf how much meds I was really on and the negative effects that came with. I <span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">knew I was feeling rough, suicidal, irritable, completely worn down</span>
Just took someone else to notice with me that I needed to phone GP<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">Took me ages mind</span>
Therefore I genuinely would say small steps for you in difficult times
takes a while as we know in road of recovery to get back to a reasonable place but please try not do what I do, COMPARE to others (damaging ime)
I'm starting this week to go jogging/running with my brother who is athletic and to push myself as getting bug for exercise again
tell you what though!!
my bloody gym better open soon as getting twitchy and annoyed as joined & only got in 3 sessions before covid crap
Oh & btw! Bloomin brilliant to read you have a tribe 👍😎
I very nearly became a father towards end of last year & suffered terribly from outcome (looooong complex story)
A group social ride sounds on the cards and epic it would be
logistics :/ as where we all live etc
👍🌞
Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate them all. Sorry its taken a while to respond, so much going on and trying to battle through it all slowly. I live in Carmarthen, SW Wales near Brechfa for those asking where I'm from.
I am trying my best, I really am, but it doesn't feel anywhere near good enough. The joys of anxiety and depression I guess? I just wish at some point things would start to go 'right' and I can start to breathe a bit. Possibly actually start living again instead of just surviving? I've been described by some people as a 'man mountain' or a 'machine' which is fine. I think I probably am one of those things to plough through all this crap all the time. But I really hope I start feeling like a person again.
I think that's what I was trying to say, albeit in a very long winded way. The loneliness and emptiness is eating up who I was and I hate who I am now. Once our 'normality' returns, I'll be at rock bottom again and have to start from scratch. I know I'll probably never be the same again, but I have to find a balance and maybe find a 'new' me amongst it all.
@worldclassaccident - I've replied to you, thanks.
I think you are doing just fine.
The loneliness and emptiness is eating up who I was and I hate who I am now. Once our ‘normality’ returns, I’ll be at rock bottom again and have to start from scratch. I know I’ll probably never be the same again, but I have to find a balance and maybe find a ‘new’ me amongst it all.
Been down in that hole twice, both times I couldn't see the exit at all. But it was there, just not obvious until I'd gone through it.
Once 'normality' has resumed, settled down and you're feeling like it maybe a few of us could meet you at Brechfa for a gentle spin. No pressure, even if it takes all day to ride round the blue! Reading the words online is one thing but having the same people with you is better.
Positive vibes from cheshire.
You are doing better than you think. Having 4 children with a partner, money and a job is hard at the best of times, but for you it's a constant uphill struggle.
We are all here for you. Ask and we will help.
Take yourself and the children outside at every opportunity. Fresh air, free exercise, nature, cloud watching, walking through some woods, being surrounded by some sort of greenery will give off some goodness.
No screens for a while, even school work outdoors is better than in.
Massive hugs
Bunnyhop x
Hey Al, get you and the kids over here whenever you are ready. I have a big bonfire ready to go, a patio to be power-washed by Ali, shandies in the fridge. The young uns can check out their flowers too. Chuck a few tennis balls and the dog will love you all for ever.
Ambrose
I know I’ll probably never be the same again, but I have to find a balance and maybe find a ‘new’ me amongst it all.
This.
But you and the kids will get through.
Yup, it might take time. But yup, you've got it.
PM'd you back.
Here any time. Always. And to others who suffer.
I am not a trained professional. I do not hold certificates. I do not accept responsibility for your actions. I am willing to talk openly, honestly and possibly tearfully about what I have gone through.
No idea if this is any use to anyone but I don't want people to suffer what I did. PM me for contact
Good to hear from you.
I know I’ll probably never be the same again, but I have to find a balance and maybe find a ‘new’ me amongst it all.
This too. Someone I consider to be wise told me (and I’m paraphrasing due to a fairly sketchy memory for details) that I would come out the other side of my own challenges stronger, wiser and more compassionate. He was right, and I’m not even fully there yet.
I hope you can find your way to your own new balance. It may be a better place than you can imagine right now.
And this is why Mrs Sandwich encourages me to remain here. Good show chaps and a special mention for Nic. (For the purposes of this post chaps is non-gendered).