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My local carpenter died when he fell in to a vat of varnish.
It was a terrible ending, but a lovely finish!
(Probably stolen from here)
Make me laugh!
A friend of mine is over in Paris at the moment. Worried about the Coronavirus, he popped into a local hospital to ask about precautions. The doctor told him just to eat an egg every day. He wasn't too sure about this and asked if that was really sufficient. The doctor assured him it was an oeuf.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to nip in the house to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole in our garden.
One of my favourite jokes of all time;
Years ago my dad went for a job labouring on a site, the gangerman said to him “You paddies are a bit thick so I need to see if you’re up to the work. So what’s the difference between a joist and a girder?”
My dad said “Ah sure that’s easy, Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust”
What's the definition of 'indefinitely'?
When your... No, clean version.
When you've closed the door and switched the light on, you're in, definitely.
A young man moved from his parents home into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. Look at my legs, long and slender, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me..."
Fred and Ada have a doctors appointment. Fred waits outside while Ada goes in. After a while she comes out looking a little confused.
"What did he say?" enquires Fred.
"Well, he said I've got a tidy fanny....."
Fred cant believe this lapse of professionalism and storms into the doctors room and starts shouting. After a while, it calms down and he returns outside, whereby he sits back down next to Ada;
"He said, you've got Acute Angina".
There are loads of jokes about white sugar but jokes about brown sugar- dem are rarer.
I was at the zoo the other day and saw a bun in a cage.
The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I went to that new zoo the other day. It only had one animal: a tiny white dog.
It was a shih tzu.
At school.
Can anyone give me a sentence with the word contagious in it.
Tommy starts jumping up and down - 'Me Miss, me Miss'
Miss is a bit surprised - Tommy's not the brightest kid in school, doesn't have the best grasp of language and rarely volunteers for anything. So to have him so engaged is amazing - beaming she asks 'Yes Tommy! Go on then'
'The bloke over the road was painting his fence at the weekend and my dad said that if he doesn't get a bigger brush it'll take the contagious'
I went to the chemist today and asked the lady at the counter "what is the best thing for killing the corona virus."
She said "ammonia cleaner."
I said " oh sorry, i though you worked here."
Yesterday a young, attractive woman called me a bit of a looker.
Well, the word she used was "voyeur" but I know what she meant.....
The 20 something attractive couple who live mext door just made a sex tape.
They just don't know it yet.
Copyright Gary Delaney 🙂 find him on you tube, hours of one liners.
Some of these are fantastic. Keep them coming.
I'm giving up asking rhetorical questions.
What's the point?
What's the difference between true love and herpes?
Herpes is forever.
A girl I was going out with told me she had hermes. "Don't you mean herpes?" I asked her. "No" she said, "I'm only a carrier".
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
At school we used to have “word of the day”. The teacher asked me for a word beginning with N that I wasn’t very good at. I said “spelling”.
If smoking so bad for you why does it cure kippers
Due to the water shortage in Tyne side Newcastle Central swimming pool will be closing lanes seven and eight on weekdays.
Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast....?
Because eun oeuff is enough.
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
It’s time to drag out my ‘french’ joke again:
Tok, tok, tok (translation, knock, knock)
Qui est la?
Lors.
Lors qui?
Oui...
I’ve another one:
Did you hear about the farmer who won a Nobel prize?
He was out standing in his field.
I’m here all weak...
I’m here all weak…
How appropriate.
There's two shepherds, one Welsh, one English, walking along checking their fence.
They find a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The two shepherds look at each other with a wry smile.... Both knowing what the other is thinking.
Suddenly, the Welsh man drops his trousers and takes the helpless sheep from behind.
Maaaa-baaaa-baaa-maaa! Cried the sheep.
When the Welsh man was done, the English shepherd says "right, my turn!" and drops his trousers and sticks his head through the fence.
(the beauty is you can swap English/Welsh for any other nationalities and there by insult anyone and everyone!)
How appropriate.
It’s nice to know I’m appreciated 🤣
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a dead man floating in the ocean?
Bob
Frappe frappe!
Qui est là?
Loste.
Loste qui?
Oui, malhereusement
I laughed way too hard at the gold discovered in the garden gag 🤦
Lost my job as a Zoo Keeper. I don’t think it’s fair considering there are signs everywhere saying “Don’t Feed The Animals”
Waddya call a woman sat on a house? - Ruth
An Irishman whose been buried for 40 years? - Pete
A man with no legs? - Neil
A man hiding in a bush? - Russell
My favourite Billy Connolly joke
The circus had come to town. The star act was a Kazakh wrestler famous the length and breadth of the land for being the biggest, baddest, strongest and meanest fighter who lived. His signature moves the double and triple Falcao regularly cracked spines and crippled strong men. Every night money was added to a pot to be claimed by anyone who could beat him. Every night men tried and they all failed. Most left the ring on a stretcher. Some walked again.
On the last night the ringmaster called for challengers. Nobody came forward. At last, as he was about to move onto the next act, a small middle-aged man stepped forward. "Are you sure??" Said the ringmaster. The man looked at him and said "I'll only have the one chance this life to earn that kind of money, so it's all or nothing"
The Kazakh entered the ring, a mountain of hair and muscle. They squared up, the Kazakh towering over his opponent. A hairy arm shot out, grabbed the man by the shoulder and twisted him round and back on himself. The audience gasped, the double Falcao! The second huge, hairy arm snaked out and grabbed his other shoulder, twisting and bending him double as the Kazakh brought his weight to bear, forcing him down to the ground as he straddled the man. The Triple Falcao! The audience winced as they heard the man's clothes tear and his bones creak. Surely the end was nigh..
When all of a sudden there was a mighty roar, and the Kazakh shot into the air, flew 20 feet across the ring, smashed head first into a stanchion and collapsed, unconscious on the ground!
The ringmaster ran over, hauled the man to his feet, raised his hand in the air and declared him the winner. When the applause had died down he asked him how he had managed to do it?
" Well you see" said the man. The first arm came over and gripped and twisted me and I thought "Shite, it's the double Falcao". Then the second arm grabbed me, bent me, twisted me and I was forced to the ground, and I thought "the Triple Falcao"! I was waiting for the final crunch and blackness when I saw a large penis hovering in front of my face. Well I had no choice did I, I just opened my mouth and bit the ****er as hard as I could. And it's amazing how much strength and adrenaline you get when you bite off half of your own cock.."
Life is a joke. 😅
My favourite Gary Delaney:
My grief counselor died recently, but luckily he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Not a joke as such, but Joe Wilkinson's poem on 8 out of 10 cats:
My granddad was killed by a Zulu.
He was having a shit at Whipsnade and the roof fell on him.