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...what would it be?
My starter for ten, a potential torture porn classic:
’Santa Claus Must Die’.
”He delivered the set of kitchen knives, but found himself being the turkey...” 😃
“Christmas is for Christians”
Atheists are forced to sit and be miserable instead of misappropriating a religious celebration whilst the faithful fill their boots with mince pies and Bond films and that.
Mine would be about twin snowboarding orphans that had been separated at birth .
Still living in the same country ( possibly Switzerland )they then simultaneously get a twin sixth sense feeling that they need to travel to a specific snow slope before Christmas eve .
Cue lots of sick stunts, hand knitted hats and a ‘break the bank’ musical finale.
IT .....WOULD...BE........AWESOME!!!!
I would re-make Die Hard starring Simon Pegg as John Maclean and set it in a future dystopian metropolis. The soundtrack would be rap/funk crossover and IT WOULD BE EPIC
"Wildlife Christmas". Aliens invade, kill off the human race then leave deciding it wasn't the planet for them.
Robbing an office during the Christmas party, need a real top villain for that role though.
Or a proper mid winter festival film, show those Christians what it's all about.
The boy in the reindeer pyjamas.
With all the death camp prisoners being folk that moan about christmas every year.
A remake of Home Alone but where the Mommy takes all the kids away for two weeks and leaves the Dad by himself to have peace and quiet to eat kebabs on the couch whilst watching movies and leaving the toilet seat up.
Some zany burglars case the joint but one look through the letterbox reveals such a mess that it fools them into thinking the house has already been burgled. It stays like that until an hour before the wife gets back.
The Robbie Coltrane film ‘The Pope Must Die” was retitled The Pope Must Diet for some reason.
So I would make The Pope Must Diet as a fatshaming religious extravaganza.
What about a christmas film about Woppit, an anti-hero religion hater. Could be played by Christian Slater....
A sequel to "I know what you did last summer" - "I know what you did last Christmas".
It's start with a villain stealing someone's heart, and then the very next day they'd give it away.
Christian Slater
😂 Well played Nobber.
Genius 🙂
I'd basically be a remake of Christmas Carol but with Woppit as Scrooge and SaxonRider as the nephew
“Christmas is for Pagans”
Christians are forced to sit and be miserable instead of misappropriating the pagan Midwinter / Yule festivities for their own religious celebration whilst the faithful fill their boots with mince pies and Bond films and that.
The 12 months of Christmas - a film about a struggling family providing all this years 'must have' gifts to their children, followed by the trials and tribulations of paying the credit card off.
Christmas is for Pagans
The 12 months of Christmas – a film about a struggling family providing all this years ‘must have’ gifts to their children, followed by the trials and tribulations of paying the credit card off.
I'm pretty sure I've got the script ready for this, I'll just need to review my bank statement for 2018...
The good news is you'll soon have enough extra material to make a sequel.. Starring 2019's bank statements
Saint Knickerless
Santa goes Commando
Mine would be a film about a person who was given a magic Hi Fi where the recording artists appeared in you lounge and played live for you. The problem is that the dead ones would be in the form of flesh eating zombies.
I would definitely watch that.
The Elf on the Shelf
One of Santa's little helpers finds themselves still single at 40
Some sort of Sci fi thing where a young lad travels to an alternate universe Where's there's no Christmas and everyone's sullen for the entire year. He travels back to his own land and also manages to make the other world all Christmassy and scores a top class lady friend too.
One of Santa’s little helpers finds themselves still single at 40
They should try Reindr 😉
Finding Nemo
An Australian tale looking for the bist fish for the Christmas bbq
They should try Reindr
or Rude Elf
How about a doom sequel where armed with massive guns and a chainsaw the last sane man alive must navigate shopping centres and supermarkets to reach salvation and new years eve
20000 leagues under the sea.
A remake whereby years of climate change fuelled by Christmas excess of plastic tat and coca cola lorry convoys has forced Birmingham to be renamed Atlantis and Captain Nemo is the somewhat eccentric mayor with a pet sea lion.
Starring Brian Blessed and Cameron Diaz.
I want a modern remake of Mary Poppins 🤔🤣🤷♂️
Mad Scot sees a lone Scotsman making his way home from London to Edinburgh via a post apocalyptic A1. Steampunk cars and trucks, a baddies base around the 'toon area, led by a gobby Londoner by the name of Adele... And will the dug survive with him?
Storyville does Donald Trump... no need to make up stuff as the real deal has it all..
Coke, hookers, Golden Showers, video porn, saucy sound bites, threats of public violence, white supremisists, backstabbings, vote rigging, body dismemberment, sanctions, shady business deals, poor grammar and word salad dialogue plus the threat of total anihalation by North Korea, oh and "frigates"... then add Flotus the Fembot for a bit of extra marital action...
It would be a great film, the best film... no one would make a better film than this, it would be the highest attendance and box office takings the world has ever seen.. Obama didnt even make a film...
Mine will be Santa Claus Xmas apocalypse the rise of the Lord of the Overfiend.
The story goes that Santa spread deadly disease, unknowingly, all over the world to wipe off the smile of mankind because he cannot compete with online stores ... 😀
I’d make a cross between Home Alone and Die Hard. Replace Bruce Willis with a child and have the traps from Home Alone, but they actually cause the injuries and deaths that they would in real life. The heist team will assume they are being killed off by a mad military veteran and not a nine year old. It’ll basically be a festive action horror thriller for all the family!
Give me your firstborn.
a back-to-basics everyday tale of ritual blood sacrifice and fire. You know, the true meaning...
that’s what need to make us a great nation again, we’re just not looking far enough back is all.... 🤣
Remake of It's a Wonderful Life with Russell Brand as the lead, the ending might differ...
Ralph Wrecks Brexit
I’d make a cross between Home Alone and Die Hard.
Lets call it 'Die at Home Alone' can't get more festive than that!
Four hours, black and white, Santa dead in the snow. Acid jazz backing track. Santa played by Rick Moranis, Oprah Winfrey and Paul Bettany. With bloopers after the credits.
Can't believe no one has mentioned "The night the reindeer died"?!
I would make one about an incontinent but extremely generous local bike shop owner who because of his affliction cant cycle more than 5 minutes before needing to relieve himself .
Due to a major cock up ( no pun intended ) he also over orders on Enve wheels and as its near to Christmas decides to give a full set away to each of his first customers every day from the beginning of December to Christmas eve ..
As a story that's as far as I've got ..but the film would be called
" Piss On Earth And Good Wheels To All Men "
Groundhog Christmas.
Starring Johnny Vegas playing the part of Bill Murray, a man forced to endure, over and over, an entire day working as a shop assistant in the "run up" to Christmas, where the only soundtrack is Slade and every customer is a complete twunt to him. Over and over. And over. And over.
As yet I've no idea how he escapes this fate worse than death.
Remake of It’s a Wonderful Life with Russell Brand as the lead…
Franz Kafka's "It's a wonderful life"? (Bindun)
'Home With a Bone'
It's a lighthearted 1980's themed shaggy-dog romp through seasonal faux-pas and comic tribulatons whereby a South Florida family forget to load the family dog into the car before driving across country to visit relatives for Christmas all the way up in New York State
'Oh my GOD.....WE LEFT TIMMY'
Timmy is of course locked in the house on Miami Beach, and soon runs out of food. Luckily for Timmy - that night two hapless opportunist house-burglars named Frik and Frak notice there are no lights on in the house, but hear Timmy's bark, so they leave sausages through the letterbox hoping to outsmart Timmy by scaling the gutter to a rear bedroom.
Timmy's hearing is just as keen as one might expect so he cunningly waits for them at the top of the huge curved staircase of polished marble*. One of the thieves gets in, sees Timmy, bricks it, and leaps up to a light ceiling light/fan fixture to try and climb away from Timmy's big barking jaws.
As he grabs the light/ceiling fan with both hands and begins rotating with it we can briefly see the surprised crook's skeletal features illuminated in neon-blue sparks as it begins to spin faster. Frak luckily has a sausage left so lobs it across the room to Timmy expecting him to eat it and run away with it. Timmy licks his lips ruefully, but always one step ahead he heroically ignores the sausage and pads smartly to the CB radio in the study, pressing the 'on' switch with his paw. Meanwhile Frik is still spinning while Frak is trying to grab him, but keeps getting kicked lightly in the kisser every time Frik's flailing feet makes a pass. Frik's hair is on end and he's crying for his mother.
*Can't tell you any more because spoilers. 🐶🎄🐾🤸♂️🏌🏻♀️
Edit - Note to Seymour Butts and other entrepreneurial derivative directors - I've registered all the rights to most imagineable 'alternative' titles. Maybe. (Shotwink, 'click'). Oh yeah.
Home with a Bone sounds brilliant but from the title I expected a very different film!
“Home : a loan”
Miserable Londoner has to explain to his kids that they can’t have any presents this Christmas because Daddy has to pay a million quid for a three bedroom house.
Surely there is a film about Darcey Bussell discovering Enduro as her way of keeping fit and meeting a life partner....? 😉
Shite Christmas.
Doesn't really need a blurb.