Last day with our fostering placement

Nothing to say other than be kind to yourself. What you’ve done is astonishing, incredible even. Not a path I could ever take. You, and your family have done well. Take the time to heal. 

You have not failed.  Social work have failed by leaving this poor kid with a family who do not have the ability to manage his complex needs and your goodwill has been taken advantage of

Given everything you said in previous posts you have gone way beyond what should be expected of you and that you are still willing to stay a part of his life shows what good folk you are

Leave the blame where it lies - with social work and the underfunding from central government

@johndoh people like you are awesome. Well done and thank you.  

Totally agree with TJ

Hats off to you sir, you have done a very difficult job, one not many people including me would choose to do. 

From what you've said, you've done a fantastic job of it and you should be proud of what you've achieved.

As TJ said, be kind to yourself 

Well done for managing 20 months of hard graft. As TJ says it's more a fault of government underfunding and budgetting choice by those in charge of social services that it hasn't worked out for the boy.

If the child has enough self-awareness (either now or later), he has learned that his actions have consequences.

Leave the blame where it lies – with social work and the underfunding from central government

I know the service is under-funded, but (in this particular instance) more funding wouldn't have helped – he did not once speak to his social worker in his time with us, he only accepted outside help to help him with his trans status (he wants period blockers so was prepared to have limited discussions about that to get what he wanted). I don't think that all the money in the world would have helped (unless paying foster carers proper salaries would bring in more people prepared to help – but then, would the sort of person that is just in it for the money be the right person to be a foster carer)?

And, to be fair, our support team managed to get funding for a week on an outward-bound course in the Lakes and, just last week, funding for him to go on a school skiing trip to France.

If the child has enough self-awareness (either now or later), he has learned that his actions have consequences.

I hope so – this is something we couldn't say to him directly as he uses his behaviours and actions as a shield to hide his true emotions, but yes, now he is getting older, he needs to understand that he needs to work with people, not against them.

Social work have failed

This is at best misinformed, and at worst ignorant. The system presided over by this government has failed, but it's typical that people that don't understand they sector lump blame on social work as a profession. Same thing happens in the health sector so I'm surprised you've allowed yourself to be suckered into this easy trope.

@johndoh I know it's tough, I see on a daily basis the impact that a  placement end has on both children and carers. You and your family have done incredibly well, my one word of caution would be to stand firm and not jump back into a new placement until you are ready, the social work team will have hundreds more children than they have carers, and (as I repeat on these threads) are at the mercy of the ruthless IFAs who will charge through the nose, further pressuring stretched budgets. It's not their fault, and anyone in their position would be trying to place children with carers like you, because the reality for the child and the budget is so much worse.

I'd anyone wants to get angry about this, lobby for the abolition of the private sector being allowed to run fostering Agencies.

Finally, well done. You and people like you are amazing.

I’d anyone wants to get angry about this, lobby for the abolition of the private sector being allowed to run fostering Agencies.

I so agree with this - the sort of people that are motivated by money are not the sort of people that should be allowed to care for have responsibility for vulnerable children.

Please don’t derail this thread into an argument. The reality of looked after kids is that they are very often the result of multi generational poor parenting. I worked in kids homes for years and whilst we all hoped to transform kids lives, the horrible reality was that often the best we could hope for was to stop things getting worse for them. That is still a positive result, it just takes time and reflection to realise that.

foster carers are awesome, let Jon have the space to vent without usual STW bickering. .

I so agree with this – the sort of people that are motivated by money are not the sort of people that should be allowed to care for have responsibility for vulnerable children

I agree & disagree.

We've been fostering, for the Local Authority, for the last 15yrs. TBH, when we started we didn't even know that you actually got paid. We just thought you got allowances for the kids. So we didn't do it for the money.

However, Council carers should get paid more. Because the job is (at times) difficult and also it makes you feel more valued.

When you factor in the vast amount of money we save Local Authorities by keeping kids out of residential - foster carers are incredible value.

Higher salaries would make it easier for Authorities to recruit. IME private agencies may pay more but they give much poorer training and support to their carers and they often end up taking more difficult kids that can't be placed with the Authority. Then they hand them to poorly trained & inexperienced carers. (No surprise how many of those placements work out.)

I would say there's no harm if people want to foster for the money - often it enables them to devote time to fostering rather than working.

I think the harm comes from allowing fostering services to be run on a business model. Caring for vulnerable children should never be a money making excercise.

Incidentally, Barnodo's - although it's a charity - runs its fostering services on a business model.

This is at best misinformed, and at worst ignorant. The system presided over by this government has failed, but it’s typical that people that don’t understand they sector lump blame on social work as a profession. Same thing happens in the health sector so I’m surprised you’ve allowed yourself to be suckered into this easy trope.

Perhaps I wasn't clear.  what I meant was social work as a system had failed because of the limitations from under-funding - not blaming the individual SW where I fully understand the pressure they are under.

Apologies if it came over wrong

Johndoh - you've done an amazing job. Don't reproach yourself. That kid will take the benefits onward of all the good stuff that happened in placement.

We ended one placement a couple of years ago because, although it was good for the 8yr old boy in question, it was very bad for the other 2 kids in placement, our own 2 younger kids and my wife & I. We had to put the needs of the whole family above that of the individual.

^ yeah apologies from me as well TJ,  it's been a tough week.
The one thing we all agree on is that johndoh and family deserve our utmost respect 👏

People apologising on forums - well done! 😁

this is something we couldn’t say to him directly

Not just him, but any teenaged child. They need to work it out for themselves. All the parent can do is hope the tools and knowledge imparted earlier in life allow this realisation to happen.

@johndoh

20 months with the child is not insignificant, and from your post and other threads, your family has had a positive impact on him.

Give it a little time to reflect after the high emotions have died down and you'll hopefully look back positively on your time together. You're also not going to be losing contact which is another positive sign of the relationship. 

The world needs more people like you and your family 

The world needs more people like you and your family

The world needs more people like my amazing wife who has done so much, understood and managed to support him. Unfortunately it has taken it's toll on her - she is exhausted from it. Saying that, she has just taken a new job as a Family Support Officer for a local school to support kids and their families in getting them back into secondary education so she clearly wants to be able to help.

You’ve done an amazing job. You’ve enriched their life. The last day may be hard, but you have not failed. I have nothing but admiration for you and your family.

The bottom line is that unless folks like yourself make the sacrifices to take on young people and everything that they bring then their future is going to be way more challenging.
You have definitely not failed him and the relationship you have formed will mean he has someone in his life he can call on for help and advice when he needs. I know from experience how important this is.
Please don’t be hard on yourself, your family has made a massive positive contribution to society.

As tough as it may be, you have to look after yourself. I've said this before, but one thing that's always stuck with me when I was a carer in all but name: "if you fall over, you're of no use to anyone else." It feels like the most selfish thing to do I know, but self-care has to be your top priority. Never see a plane safety briefing? You put your own mask on before helping others with theirs.

You ought to be proud of yourself, most people would likely have gone "bugger this" inside of a fortnight.

You have done the best you can, with little real support by the sound of it. You couldn’t have done more. Be kind to yourselves, get some advice or counselling if you can to help you process it all before looking to the future.

People like you are a special breed, and you do so much to help the lives of young people. You gave this lad love, support and structure, and he will take that experience with him. It may not feel like a success at the moment, but it most definitely was not a failure.

Sometimes things don't work out - MrsMC is going to see some adopters next week who are unable to deal with the child placed with them. Last week she had to go and tell siblings in foster care that one of tbeir birth parents had died. Amazing foster carers like you help these young people stay safe and secure among these awful life changing events.

You should be proud.

I salute you. I know these are not decisions that are taken lightly and can only imagine the challenges that led to this brave and justifiable decision.

I work with looked after children and some of the foster carers have been pushed to breaking point and beyond. One carer felt they were in a position where they had to choose between the placement or their marriage and chose to persist with supporting the placement, definately at a cost to both.

Children who find themselves looked after have had it very hard to be in that position, and consequently can find any placement very difficult. This increasses the potential pressure on all involved.

I work with other families where IMO the children should have been taken into care at birth, but weren't. As a consequence, resource after resource is piled into the family from many agencies, but there is no lasting change and the life experience of these children is very, very poor. The echos will be felt for generations.

I think that you are a fantastic person for fostering a child and that you and your family will have had a positive influence on him. <br /><br />

dint be hard on yourself. 

What @LAT said. And +1 to all the positivity up there 👆

Like all on here - I don’t think you have failed, but done an amazing thing bringing a child into your family.

I think it’s often a very difficult thing to do, because having known several children in this situation - they have all had significant issues.

Well, that was less painful than I had feared - he seemed quite happy (the new carers have two puppies which definitely helped). Unfortunately one of the new carers went to sit right next to him (he had good intentions, he had the puppy in his arms and was trying to get R to engage with it) but of course that set him off – he ran away and went back to our car. Fortunately my wife managed to talk him around and he came back in and unpacked all of his stuff. We got a message later to say he seemed quite happy and settled so fingers crossed it'll stay that way.

Being a kid certainly seems more complex than when I was a kid, but that was a long time ago.  Lots more options and freedom to be who you are or want to be, juxtaposed with peer pressure and the social media.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. As a kid we didn’t have much money annd we went without a lot, especially as a single parent family, but as an adult I know what sacrifices my Mum made for me and my sister and she is the best mum ever. <br /><br />You’ve done a great job..

@johndoh I'm glad that it went well. You and your family have done an amazing job.  The posts over the last couple of years have been enlightening and we're lucky as a society that people like you are around to help pock up the pieces. I'm not going to make a political point here as I think we are all pretty much on the same page, but hopefully things can only get better!

Having experience Of neurodivergent children with similar characteristics to those which you describe I can sympathise with your decision.

As such i suspect you hit the nail on the head with “– a scared, lonely and confused child.”

My conjecture would be that if he is neurodivergent then he wasn’t doing the things he did voluntarily and so the learn from cause and effect thing doesn’t really apply.

As suggested on your previous threads some neuro divergent approaches are probably needed - maybe suggest to the next foster place they consider this even without a formal diagnosis.

Hats off to you for trying to help a vulnerable child though.

I don't think anyone has failed, it's a system that tries to pick up the pieces after something has already gone wrong. As above, hats off for doing your best. You can only do your best though, you can't work miracles. "You" means your whole family unit, I wish you all well, no regrets, move on.

I’m afraid that we can’t help everybody.

My brother has just reconnected with his foster child after a few years break due to issues on both sides, I hope you are able to have as a good relationship with yours in the future, wishing you & your family all the best. I struggle with my relationship with my step daughter, so hats off to you for what you have been doing.