[Closed] knaff marketing claims - what's the daftest you have come across

Current advert for a Bosch oven, with:

"3D HotAir plus technology"

It's a FAN, a FLIPPIN FAN, IN A HOT OVEN, IT'S NOT 3 BLOODY D TECHNOLOGY, IT'S A FAN BLOWING AIR ROUND A BOX WHICH WE'VE HAD FOR AGES - AAARRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Can you tell that I'm a big fan of this advert and probably going to buy the oven?

you mean hotpoint 😆 but bosch may take that as a compliment?

[i]Makes the trail come alive...[/i] etc

Anything I say when closing a sales pitch...

@muddy

re-hydrating is perhaps the wrong word?

they use a proprietary conditioner that prepares the brake pad surface, as the cleaning agent by itself can make the brake very noisy under hard braking

you can find this if you use isopropyl alcohol by itself to clean brake pads and rotors

Giant's 650b mental breakdown. "You know that Giant 26er or 29er you own and love? It's SHITE! Every bike we've ever made is NOT WORTH RIDING! What were you thinking? What were we thinking? Don't sell it, have it safely destroyed at a government containment facility in case it pollutes your new magic wheels"

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"Don't blend in"

'course not. Just drive the same anodyne looking car as everyone else and grow a trendy bushy beard. ****!

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this is a spade [img] [/img]
and this is a .....
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knuff said

No-one else cottoned onto the fact that they supply Team Sky with disc brake cleaner yet then???
What do Team Sky use that for then???

Anything, and I mean [b]anything[/b], by the cosmetics industry. "Makes your hair come alive" Really? It's deader than a Norwegian Blue Parrot from the moment it leaves the follicle, nothing is going to "revive" it.

Years of use 20.
Hoards of totty fought off....0.
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oh but maybe this? [img] [/img]
go on you know you want to
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There's an Opel/Vauxhall advert for some daft little urban 4x4 where Claudia Schiffer uses a hill descent control to drive out of... a multi storey car park.

Do pro roadies want disc brakes?

Perhaps like the cyclocross riders they'll agree to use them in the dry

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Are you lot all engineers or IT techs who want all products to look like this? Where's your imagination?

"Makes the trails come alive."

End of discussion.

"3D HotAir plus technology"
It's a FAN, a FLIPPIN FAN, IN A HOT OVEN, IT'S NOT 3 BLOODY D TECHNOLOGY, IT'S A FAN BLOWING AIR ROUND A BOX WHICH WE'VE HAD FOR AGES - AAARRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

I think our new Bosch oven has that. It's a lot more even in temperature around the whole oven than our last two fan ovens. 3D vision or whatever FTW! 😛

this is spade
[img] [/img]
and so is this
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I have some jeans that have twisted legs that 'anticipate my next move'. How do they do that when I don't know what I am going to do!!

are they your special "get me home" when I'm drunk jeans?

Stoner - Member
"Don't blend in"

'course not. Just drive the same anodyne looking car as everyone else and grow a trendy bushy beard. ****!

I saw this advert and thought exactly the same thing.
Ooooh, you trend setter, zooming around in your erm, oh wait a minute.....is that a small Vauxhall faux 4x4 people carrier thing? Sure, don't blend in duuuude!

ducking

[img] [/img]

It's a real thing

Also - GAH!!

The holiday adverts where they show a family around a deserted pool with acres of space, rather than the reality of having to share it with about 1000 other people and having screaming families on either side of your sunbed who are slowly encroaching with dripping ice creams, inflatables and half drunk plastic beer glasses.....

Perhaps I should just choose the resort more carefully!?

Probably still this

"Makes the trails come alive."

But otherwise, anything with science in - Neutrilium, amino acids, etc with no explanation of why that might be a good thing to be in shampoo, etc.

Sorry muddy9mtb,they do harvest leeks with machines now. M+S say "Hand Picked" due to it being "not just ordinary leeks,but M+S leeks",hand picked element would be the shelf stacker!!. 🙂

Or car (or for that matter, any other product) that suggests that by buying it you will change everyone's perception of you. For the better at least.

eg Nissan Navara - "It commands respect"
[img] [/img]

No it doesn't. It might be justifiable if you have a need for it but if not, it makes most people think you're inadequate in some way and are trying to prove something while raping the planet (exaggeration admitted 🙂 )

"oakley" for registering the word "unobtainium"... then using it everywhere.. genius
Multiple interchangeable Unobtainium® nose pad options for customizable and comfortable secure fit
http://uk.oakley.com/en/womens/sunglasses/sport-sunglasses/radar/product/W0OO9051
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http://singletrackmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/sea-otter-kappius-magnetic-hubs-and-carbon-rims/

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Kappius’ carbon fibre and alloy hub shell is vented to prevent pressure buildup when braking. This keeps water and muck from being drawn into the bearings when the hub cools

Has anyone ever measured this "pressure build up"?
Is cutting holes in the hub really the best way to cure this non existent problem, allowing the water and muck to be be pushed in to the bearings from the inside instead.
STW's copy & paster, er, I mean product reviewer, clearly thinks so.

That is a good one 😆

you would have to do some serious braking for that "issue" to have any effect? like on a race track at 200mph ❗

Anything homeopathic...........

Any product (but especially one which which comes in liquid form) claiming to be "free of chemicals"!!?

I see James Dyson changed his "marketing" slogan from Our mission is simple "solve the problem at any cost" to "we find the solution others seem to ignore"
to be fair Dyson is probably one of the few companies that has the resources to do it but somewhere physics would have a say

[i][url= http://pactbikes.us9.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=2ef5ad7836aec4002b0a133c9&id=d1a1e750c1 ]"Our website is a bit rubbish because we're trying to save money. We're working hard to make great bikes, and we don't need a whizz-bang website to do that"[/url][/i] 😉

Works for On-One/PX 🙂

Anything "not tested on animals".

"every chip will eventually crack"

Special K claims of helping you lose weight (has more calories per kg than corn flakes, they just recommend a tiny portion).

Colgate "total" - they used to make toothpastes to cover lots of specific problems, but that seemed a bit unfair so they combined them all into "total" now they make a total for every kind of problem.

to be fair Dyson is probably one of the few companies that has the resources to do it but somewhere physics would have a say

I find Dyson quite frustrating. They come up with some excellent ideas and then make them out of the cheapest nastiest Airfix model plastic imaginable. Sorry Airfix that's probably an unfair comparison!

on many a late night shopping channel
a beautiful modern ornate stained glass lampshade only £300 we have 5 exclusive to go right now and counting down 15 minutes to get one blah de blah. 🙄
[img] [/img]

"You know that Giant 26er or 29er you own and love? It's SHITE! Every bike we've ever made is NOT WORTH RIDING! What were you thinking? What were we thinking? Don't sell it, have it safely destroyed at a government containment facility in case it pollutes your new magic wheels"

Did they actually say that or did you just make it up? I want to see the actual ad.

Like M&S trying to charge more for the "hand picked leeks" knowing full well there is no other way of picking ducking leeks.

Bloody townies.

To further improve the performance, the titanium alloy chainring on INFINIUM is coated with a custom-formulated carbon nanoscale matrix shield, reducing friction to near zero and hugely increasing the endurance and longevity of the chainring

http://singletrackmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/mirandas-all-singing-all-dancing-infinium-crankset/

Car marketing I think is probably the worst across the board. As a random example I give you Audi's "Ultra" technology.

http://www.audi.co.uk/audi-innovation/our-technologies/ultra.html

moshimonster - Member

Did they actually say that

Well not in those exact words, you've seen through me. 😆

think I've seen that audi avant somewhere before?
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http://enve.com/products/wheels/

M50 Fifty, that's 50% descending, 50% climbing

M60 Forty, 60% descending, you get the idea

But is it by time or distance?
What if I spend 40 minutes climbing on my M60 Forty wheels and it only takes me 10 minutes to whizz back down? How do I climb back up up?
What if I ride 4km straight up a hill, then after zig zagging 6km back down, I'm still not at the bottom? Should I walk the rest?

It's everywhere!!, just a moment ago in the shop (Outdoor/Walking stuff etc),I work in!. Coach party rock up 3 x old girls discussing the local church choir they sing with are on about their upcoming Christmas concert. One of the two ladies blurts out "TICKETS ARE LIMITED !!!",like it's Foo Fighters only UK date or something..., ta love I'll live!. 😕

On a similar theme, all those "Sale must end at midnight Sunday" type announcements.

Why?

obviously when someone goes to this much effort... maybe it's time for new strategy?
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Lynx adverts. I stood outside and sprayed the full can all over me. It did not attract 1 women.

I think our new Bosch oven has that. It's a lot more even in temperature around the whole oven than our last two fan ovens. 3D vision or whatever FTW!

Sucker 😉

I honestly lost track of the manufacturer as the advert made me so angry!

Red Bull gives you wings .

Er no it doesn't it's a drink that's all .

Red Bull gives you wings .
Er no it doesn't it's a drink that's all .

They never claimed it did.

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..and it tastes horrible

separated at birth
DFS marketing manager
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and
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think about it... how else can you keep reinventing the same drivel

Years of use 20.
Hoards of totty fought off....0.

Hold on...you're an adult and you still use Lynx? I think we might have identified the problem 🙂

obviously when someone goes to this much effort... maybe it's time for new strategy?

I saw a "may cause drowsiness" claim on the label of a packet of sleeping tablets once, but I'm not sure that's naff, just retarded.

stumpy01 - Member
Stoner - Member
"Don't blend in"
'course not. Just drive the same anodyne looking car as everyone else and grow a trendy bushy beard. ****!
I saw this advert and thought exactly the same thing.
Ooooh, you trend setter, zooming around in your erm, oh wait a minute.....is that a small Vauxhall faux 4x4 people carrier thing? Sure, don't blend in duuuude!

I had one of those in France, rented from Entershite. Bloody thing was bright,tango sodding orange. Oncoming cars starting weaving as their Gallic drivers pissed themselves laughing at my vehicle of choice. Stand out? I bloody did!

I saw a "may cause drowsiness" claim on the label of a packet of sleeping tablets once, but I'm not sure that's naff, just retarded.

It's a required need on medication packets, if the effects is drowsiness then they have to state that on the packet. It is bit mad though.

[url= http://www.futureshop.co.uk/audioquest-nrg-wel-signature-ac-power-cable-3m-p-5923.html#.VHxjVjGsVds ]£9225 for 3m of twin and earth[/url]

All conductors are solid, which prevents strand interaction, a major source of distortion. Surface quality is critical because a conductor can be considered as a rail-guide for both the electric fields within a conductor, and for the magnetic fields outside the conductor. The astonishingly smooth and pure Perfect-Surface eliminates harshness and greatly increases clarity compared to OFHC, OCC, 8N and other coppers. The superior purity of PSS further minimizes distortion caused by grain boundaries, which exist within any metal conductor.

Complete and utter horse shit.

Hold on...you're an adult and you still use Lynx? I think we might have identified the problem

Audi banging on about using aluminium body panels to save weight like it is some sort of [s]marketing bullsh**[/s] revelation.

[img] [/img]

Anything that any company says on any of their adverts.

I know it's just the world we live in but if I think about it too much it makes me quite angry and depressed.

Adverts demean and patronise us all, some of them so much so that I find it all pretty offensive.

Nissan and "Urban Proofed" cars- just **** off.

Adverts showing drivers effortlessly cruising around mountainous roads with their model wife when literally nobody has that driving experience in the UK, anywhere.

Actors with terrible geordie accents borrowing 25k at 1000% apr over the phone on a whim, smiling at their idiot husbands as they do so.

Banks with all their staff singing to us, as if making a profit is the last thing on their minds.

Constantly, all day we have to put up with this shit without any choice 😡

JD Sports, the "undisputed kings of Style". You're not though are you?

M50 Fifty, that's 50% descending, 50% climbing

M60 Forty, 60% descending, you get the idea

But is it by time or distance?
What if I spend 40 minutes climbing on my M60 Forty wheels and it only takes me 10 minutes to whizz back down? How do I climb back up up?
What if I ride 4km straight up a hill, then after zig zagging 6km back down, I'm still not at the bottom? Should I walk the rest?

Of all the ones to object to, I'm ok with that. More sensible than calling them XC/FR/AM.

I'm offended by the OP's spelling of "knaff" and "knuff" though. 👿

Any of the stupid faux by four, mini MPV, crossover nonsense that masquerades as a lifestyle choice for either young urban hipsters or active outdoorsy people. (The Renault Captur ad even has a surfer FFS!). When in reality they are either driven by pensioners because the higher driving position makes them easier to get in an out of (I'm suprised Nissan doesn't offer a bi-focal windscreen on the Juke) Or parents because its easy to wipe puke off the seats.

All-Mountain,tag. Seems to have evaporated,good,never liked it. A bike with tyres that gripped on ice...and mud??

honourablegeorge - Member
There's an Opel/Vauxhall advert for some daft little urban 4x4 where Claudia Schiffer uses a hill descent control to drive out of... a multi storey car park.
POSTED 4 HOURS AGO #

I only ever* use hill descent on my car when driving down the ramps in multi storeys. I'd never get to use it otherwise. 🙂

*once to scare the kids. Look, no brakes, dad craic.

I got this for my little girl.
[IMG] [/IMG]
I thought mint, it will cause **** off great big earthquake, she will love it.

Got it home and found this on the back.
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Twunts

intimate soap wash? just for the ladies?
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what was wrong with just soap?

Proctor and Gamble own Duracell and Hasbro now?

admittedly this one has taken a while to be "in bad taste"
[img] [/img]

"Hi-Fi" (such a BS term) is the worst. The cable claims are downright criminal.

But even the stuff that the nerds consider legit like turntables or record players as the non Hi-Fi experts know them.

http://www.rega.co.uk/rp8.html

€1600 (without cartridge), made out of foam or "nitrogen expanded, closed cell, polyolefin foam core".

Unfortunately though the PSU is crap so one reviewer had to "use a small add-on power conditioner to the improve the power going to the TTPSU power supply."

Just don't go looking for real tech measurements like S/N ratio or Wow & Flutter. They don't want to look crap against a 1980's Matsushita do they.

BMW - 'the ultimate driving machine'. Most of them are specced as auto's. Thats the ultimate convenience machine not driving.

Any 29'er- does the trail REALLY come alive for you? Most 29'er owners I asked looked grumpy and shrugged and mumbled before riding off alone, friendless.

BMW - 'the ultimate driving machine'. Most of them are specced as auto's. Thats the ultimate convenience machine not driving.

I think most BMWs are actually pretty good to drive. Rear wheel drive, decent steering feel, decent handling. Generally better than their peers (Merc and Audi) in terms of being driver focused, so have to disagree with this one.

Any 29'er- does the trail REALLY come alive for you? Most 29'er owners I asked looked grumpy and shrugged and mumbled before riding off alone, friendless.

Who actually markets a 29er like that? Linky to ad please.

what was wrong with just soap?

I once saw an advert for this in that London that someone had sprayed over with "Don't put chemicals up your clunge". Seemed like a reasonable take on the issue.