[Closed] Kicked the GF out for going to the movies with another guy. Unreasonable?

Lucky git

How?

You did the right thing.
Move on. Keep busy.Make new plans. As for a new bike...most definately!

Which bike are you going to get (hope you got your keys back)

Where has she gone? Not the old guys I hope, he was definitely trying it on.

She's gone to her Mother's place.

I have the keys.

She's either naive or incredibly stupid, which I know she isn't.

Thanks for the support fellas.

Well I would suggest taking some time to breath and clear your head.
There seem to be a lot of things going on and not just the cinema, perhaps you both need some time and then sit down and talk some stuff through.
Don't do anything stupid in the mean time, also if you have been together for 10 years there will be a bunch of sorting out of stuff to do if you have split, in reality it's just the same as a divorce in terms of assets and the rest (hell it's longer than some people are married for). Find a good mate to talk to who knows you both, they may have some perspective on things you don't at this point and help you focus on what you want to do next.

Wasted a decade of my life.

It seems to be worthwhile to avoid thinking about it like this. Big chunks of the decade have presumably been alright. The relationship's come to an end, but it wasn't taking up time that you'd automatically have been spending completely differently.

I don't know, you don't get many decades. It's got to be worth trying to see the positives in as many of them as possible.

🙂

It sounds like you have every reason to be upset.

However, it might be an idea to go talk to her.

A decade is a long time. You only get given a few of them, best not to waste them.

Don't think only about how you feel now (which is important) but also about how you will feel in one/two/ten years.

Is it what you want? Were you looking to get out of the relationship? Had it broken down?

It reads to me like you both have a communications and trust issues. Up to you whether you do anything about it. It shouldn't make a difference what sex your friends are,

Ironically telling all my female friends not to talk to me as she felt insecure when we were engaged.

However you just done the same thing...

You'll probably both experience a range of emotions over the next few weeks and months, all of which are entirely natural for a personal loss; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and you'll come out the other side to acceptance
Ask for help if you need to, it will get better

As for assets ^^, legally it's not the same as divorce, ask for advice

As for assets ^^, legally it's not the same as divorce, ask for advice

Never go back

Depends on the film...

Even if it was 100% innocent on her part she's an adult, she would understand context/emphasise and what it's doing to you. It sounds to me there is more under the surface I.E shes not happy and this bloke is just lucked in. Don't approach him. With abit of space she might realise what she's done and approach you although space may say something to both of you.

Did she take the chocolates ?

I think there is a big difference nickc, there is a difference with talking to some one and taking them out to the cinema and a restaurant, I have no problem with my partner having male friends, but I would not be happy with her going out to the cinema and to a restaurant, chatting for 2 hours on the phone, maybe im insecure but I know my partner would not tolerate it,
I think OP has done the right thing, give it a few days to calm down, see how he feels and then maybe think about having a talk with her

She took the chocolate but doesn't eat chocolate.

Underlying problem is that she is lonely and bored since she started a home project.
She see's it as friendship and being happy.

I saw it as a date and one of set of rules for her and me.
Sharing with another guy just leads full out affairs. She craves new attention.

She blamed me after I have been pushing for her to make friends and join clubs to meet more people.
I have been working flat out but always made time for her everyday.

Thing is she has done this in the past with her other relationships and had affairs before she met me.
I found out about her past when were 2 years into our relationship and promised not to judge her but told her to talk to me unlike her other partners who treated her badly.

Claims that she doesn't need anyone but me but now she said she doesn't need me anymore.

I'm angry and hurt but I'm not waiting for full out affair to begin.

Right. She craves attention- sounds like my ex. I ditched her because of that. 'Look he just wants to be my friend ok'?

Waiting for a full blown affair? I heard somewhere 'girls are like monkeys, they don't let go of one branch until they have hold of another'. I thought this was a tad sexist but I've heard a few situations where it did happen..

Nice bit of trying it on by the other guy. Has her seeing that your being unreasonable, when it's his actions that are, then when you mention it suddenly she "sees it".
He's playing her and you.

Wasted a decade of my life.

personally i think youve done the right thing. i wouldnt be happy with this situation either and if she thinks its ok to act like this then maybe its better to move on now.

Agree and thanks for the advice everyone.

Just have to man up and move on (no matter how much it hurts).

She won't contact me as she's stubborn and I don't think she cares anymore TBH but sent me a text saying I was looking for a way out and trapping her. I'm in no way controlling, ironically it was her who decided who my friends are.

I was booking a holiday for us both. Cancelled.

Dreading work today but it might help me clear my mind.

I hate 2016 already but it could be a new start too.

Jesus she sounds emotionally immature to a degree. Is she a male STWer? 😆

Agree with most replies, chill out and forget about booty for a while. Your now ex was defo testing and pushing, and investing emotions with someone else. Skank!

Shes probably just got fed up of that bolt through your neck ! 😆

I don't think it's okay to insult OP's (ex-)partner like that (and suspect you're really abusing someone else...)

I think it's definitely okay to hit the roof. It does otoh sound like you have structural issues in your life that you'd probably want to be changed so you could both be happier - you're working too much with other people, she's not working enough with other people etc. Maybe changing those things could fix problems.

What do you mean "when you were engaged"? You were but you aren't any more?

I was booking a holiday for us both. Cancelled.

Makes way for a new bike...or just take the holiday and give your head some time away to breathe, while also shopping for a new bike?

Very reasonable behaviour OP. Probably feels awful now but you've done exactly the right thing IMO.

Can't add anything to the wise words posted by sadexpunk.

Makes way for a new bike...or just take the holiday and give your head some time away to breathe, while also shopping for a new bike?

Or a holiday with a new bike, of course.

I think you did the right thing, in the short term

Let the dust settle for a couple of days and talk to each other. Maybe counselling. It will help you make sense of what has happened and why, and either show you how to get back together, or help ease the split.

Had a couple of "make or break" moments in my relationships over the years, including with MrsMC. When feeling isolated and taken for granted I have done dumb things, but we got through it.

wahheyyy you get the whole bed to yourself!
turn that joint holiday into some solo mtbing stuff somewhere very nice. Good luck Op. Don't take her back, even for one night.

So, XC whippet, Trail ripper, Enduro gnarpoon or downhill monster?
Personally I think a nice trail ripper. Expensive one. Maybe a Yeti SB5C or a new SC 5010?

Give a fatty a go. You might like it.

Maybe eyepic will introduce you to his friend ?

http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/attractive-48-year-old-woman-seeks-fella

Almost half the population is female.
Life is short, don't waste it.

So time for a new bike I'd say.

Hope you had your

[img] [/img]

when you kicked her out...

[img] [/img]

Sounds like you did her a favour...try talking before you jump to conclusions and trusting her, perhaps the other guy is actually listening to her rather than barking at her - your language is quite aggressive- is this how you are with her ? if you really miss her etc - tell her not a bunch of weirdo's on a forum...

try

[img] [/img]

Give a fatty a go. You might like it.

....and if you don't, ditch her too and buy a bike.

The two rules thing would do it for me. Ad a gf like that once, albeit to the extreme, an did still winds me up if I let myself think about it 15 years on.

It'd nit a decade wasted, as above, but potentially a waste if you didn't end it. Move on, he fun, you'll find someone right.

You've not got mixed up here and this 'other guy' isn't her dad?
Might be worth double checking.
RM.

You did the right thing. She was either complicit in the wooing, or daft as a brush. You don't want that in a partner. Also ten points for being as cool as you are about it, I would have turned my back at the two hour phone call.
I just got a new bike, I'd recommend that, it takes my mind off the boring non-bike real life crap.

wow! Am I the only one thinking the OP is being unreasonable?
You talk about how much time you spend away, about how you want her to meet people, friends and their wives. Lovely, let the little women chat together whilst we smoke cigars? so, you want her to meet people but only people you choose.

Underlying problem is that she is lonely and bored since she started a home project.

It seems this problem is one which you created. So,

She see's it as friendship and being happy

well, can't have that if it's not on your terms!!

stunningly insensitive IMO, and all this new bike bravado and bullshit, you should be ashamed of yourself

On second thoughts, sack the yeti. It would have to be this little beauty.

[img] [/img]

The woman is gone, let her stay there. I'd have jumped right at the point where she told me not to be friends with any women. You've done the right thing.
Now, is there a bike shop near work? Can you go in the lunch hour?

Two pages and nobodies mentioned coke 'n hookers?? 😯

Am I the only one thinking the OP is being unreasonable?

It's almost impossible to tell, if you've only got one person's account of the breakdown of a relationship, who (if anyone) is being unreasonable. I kinda assume that the description of the "friendship" comes with a certain amount of "[i]and I had a general bad feeling about it all[/i]".

jimslade - Member
You did the right thing. She was complicit in the wooing,

This ^

So go buy the Santa Cruz ^^

[quote=CharlieMungus ]wow! Am I the only one thinking the OP is being unreasonable?

No, though I'm not sure I'd put it quite as strongly as you. There are definitely lots of clues there suggesting legitimate reasons for the gf being unhappy and seeking comfort in the company of other human beings without considering the consequences. Not that I'm suggesting what she did is right, but it seems only reasonable to consider her motivations and whether they were reasonable.

While out on business I find she has talked to an older guy who lives down the road on the phone for 2 hours at a time.

Then she went to the movies with him and then a restaurant. She tells me all about his gold extraction business.

So, you ended your relationship because your partner was talking in a non-approved way. Doesn't that strike you as a little extreme?

From what I can tell, the Op has moved cities to make her happy. The GF has[b] barred him from having female friends[/b] whilst thinking it fine and dandy to go out on dates with other men. She also doesn't have any friends of her own in her own town. Does she work from home because she has trouble holding down a job by any chance?
Oooh forgot about the new hightower.
[img] [/img]

OP, from a neutral outsiders point of view, on the balance of probability you made the right decision all round.

wow! Am I the only one thinking the OP is being unreasonable?

You've made a lot more assumptions in your analysis of the situation than the rest of us.

The OP's description of the situation seems fairly neutral to me, but whichever way you cut it - it's clearly not gonna work if they're at this stage now (and have previously been engaged but aren't any more).

I do think a Santa Cruz might be a bit excessive though. Maybe a Giant or Canyon would be more appropriate.

I do think a Santa Cruz might be a bit excessive though. Maybe a Giant or Canyon would be more appropriate.

You've made a lot more assumptions in your analysis of the situation than the rest of us.

hard to tell

looks a lot like OP has a few insecurities, doesn't trust this guy, gf looks fairly innocent in it, otherwise why would she tell OP about the gold extraction business etc. so of the 3, the gf is the one who gets the boot.

Sure, all relationships help compensate for certain insecurities. However (and I'm making a big leap here), from the OP's description and subsequent posts, I can't believe this relationship has even survived ten years given the shaky foundations - a little bit of insecurity is natural I think if one's partner suddenly develops a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex, but it's how one deals with that jealousy and one's subsequent actions that give lie to the strength of a partnership. We won't get to hear it, but the "other side" of this story would be interesting.

natrix - Member
Two pages and nobodies mentioned coke 'n hookers??

Or a kick in the slats. 😆

[img] [/img]

15 years chaka. 15 years.

Hmmm, I hear what you're saying - but I just fear he'll be heading for more disillusionment.

😉

(sorry if this seems crass OP, just trying to keep things light)

I do think a Santa Cruz might be a bit excessive though. Maybe a Giant or Canyon would be more appropriate.

No, seems about right to me. Mind you, I dumped a girlfriend and went out to buy a BMW GSA so maybe I’m not a good yardstick…

Rachel

15 years chaka. 15 years.

I have been reading it as Cha****ng. Weird. It's only when written out separate I realised.

...oh, and sorry for your loss OP. Time to get on Tinder.

Meeting a friend to go to the cinema, fine.

Meeting a friend to go out for dinner, fine.

Long phonecall with friend, fine.

Chocolates from friends, fine.

All four in quick succession with the same friend who only lives down the road?

Two pages and nobodies mentioned coke 'n hookers??

Binners is still digesting his Gregs breakfast bake, it's early yet.

Rach, that is technically still a bike, so would seem to be ok in this case.

I'm not saying that I am in a similar situation as the OP, but I've been effectively barred from having female friends for pretty much the whole of my current relationship. My wife also has no friends in our area and has destroyed several good friendships that we previously had. This is one of the reasons, but not the main reason that we are no getting divorced.

OP, I'd say that history might bear you out, but I would probably have tried talking or Relate first if i really wanted the relationship to succeed. I did, it failed, this was the last chance, ergo The End.

Of the two, I'd go for the Bronson.

I think we're overlooking the real tragedy here.....

Well he bought her chocolates yesterday. I told her this was taking it past our boundaries.

Last straw...

She took the chocolate but doesn't eat chocolate

So, learn a lesson here girls.

If you're gonna be made homeless over a gift received from a "friend", make sure that you spend your 2 hour phone calls wisely by making sure that the "friend" is , at the very least, aware of your preferences.

It's time to move on and find a new interest. I'd suggest a hand-built steel HT, to grind out a lot of miles while your mind settles down.

Well done OP. Correct call, and her response to your understandable concerns is all you need to know.

Just because the relationship is over - doesn't mean it totally failed. It was right at the time, it isn't now - certainly for her.

And beware the "sunk cost fallacy". Just because you invested so many years, doesn't mean you shouldn't walk away in this situation.

Anyway
1) Order Bike
2) Discuss with Lawyer if property or financial or kids complications.
3) ride bike.
4) Date a bit

Haven't read the whole thread so this comment might be at odds with the majority, but you 100% did the right thing. Bravo!

Give a fatty a go. You might like it.

A comfortable and often eager ride.

Forget all the loud endurbro plastic bikes... get yourself a beard and a rigid singlespeed and it'll be like hookers and drugs o'clock without the high ongoing costs. The opposite (and sometimes same) sex can just sense your awesomeness 😀

get yourself a beard and a rigid singlespeed and it'll be like hookers and drugs o'clock without the high ongoing costs. The opposite (and sometimes same) sex can just sense your awesomeness

Hmm, the fact that the GF had a ffairs in her previous relationships would be a warning for me. Once a cheater......
Relate might be worth a shout if you WANT to save the relationship. If not new bike time!

Give a fatty a go. You might like it.
A comfortable and often eager ride.

Sorry, I laughed out loud at that!

If you're getting a new bike I reckon you'll be needing a Cove Handjob for the near future.... 😀

But will be put right off by your dour demeanor and cynical worldly outlook

Doesn't that just add to the attraction???? 🙂

Op, how old are you guys BTW ?
Just wondering if you have grown in diff ways over the last 10 years ?

I assumed they were teenagers?

sounds to me like you've earned early parole!!

good times 🙂

You should probably try to friend up the new fella too.. He sounds like a dude

The only thing I can see in all this that the OP's girlfriend has done which seems unreasonable was stipulating that the OP should only have male friends. That sort of possessive, insecure and manipulating behaviour is no basis for a healthy relationship. The problem as i see it is that rather than addressing this properly in the early stages of the relationship the OP has let something he felt was wrong to fester, possibly in a bid to be accommodating of her needs, possibly for an easy life, possibly for some other reason. But whatever the reason, when the OP's girlfriend forms a relationship similar to the type that had been banned for himself there is a heightened sense of betrayal which to outstrips the reality of her actions which seem fairly innocent and unthreatening to me.

Chucking her out was a bit 'going nuclear' but partially understandable within the context of her insistence of no opposite sex friendships. if it were me I would want to take some time to reflect on whether this is actually just a convenient trigger that allows an easy exit from a relationship that was irreparably broken or if it could be used to build a stronger relationship by virtue of hi-lighting long term flaws which you could work on and rectify.

Ultimately it comes down to a simple question? Are you happier with her or without her? If you're happier with her then at least try and work out your differences if not then it's best to call it a day right now.

I don't know enough about the situation to comment on right / wrong (and we've only heard one side of the story), but this jumps out for me:

I saw it as... one of set of rules for her and me.

In and of itself, I don't see an issue with doing stuff with friends and it could all have been innocent. Or, y'know, not. If it were me I doubt I'd be too concerned, but then I trust my wife. I might be having a quiet word with the bloke though.

However. The flexibility, or lack of, has to work both ways. If she's off gallivanting with however she sees fit but still controlling who you can spend time with, that's imbalanced. In fact, it's abuse.

What I want to know is... where are the chocolates?

OP won't have eaten them - Rival chocolates taste bitter indeed.
GF won't have eaten then - her dislike of chocolates has been documented.
Outdoor boyfriend won't have eaten them. He's relinquished his claim by giving them to the OP's GF.

If I find out that perfectly good chocolates have been launched in the bin, there will be a reckoning.

If I find out that perfectly good chocolates have been launched in the bin, there will be a reckoning.

If they're going begging then baggsie any orange fondants.

Just for the op's reference there seems to be more mad ones on Pof than Tinder.

Oh, and look out for the ones that message first, and avoid the plethora of teachers and nurses.

That said I'm off on a date with an art teacher tonight. I suspect she's going to be quite high on the crazy scale.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

This thread is worthless without pictures (of the bike you're going to buy).

When OP mentions the "gold extraction" business, does he mean gold mining or extracting gold from waste/sewage? (I realise this is probably not the point of the story).