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I think I'm just really fed-up. I don't feel utterly awful and unable to have any fun as I have once before when mildly depressed, but I am feeling a bit nervous as I'm so fed-up and seem to be in a bit of a spiral. So I'm after ideas please, something to put a smile on my face before conversations with the GP become necessary.
Basically after moving to London 3+ years ago I don't seem to have made many, or even any, friends and am getting incredibly bored 🙁 The boredom is the root of my fed-up feeling. If I'm not bored then I'm happy, but right now I'm bored, I seem to have no social life at all and feel a creeping lethargy starting...I don't have anyhting to do, feel bored, but if I do get an offer of something then it doesn't appeal or I have good reason not to try it, so I stay bored.
I've tried and tried...perhaps I've tried too hard at times...
I work in central london and get on well with work collegues, would call a good number of them friends, but only at work. Although 1 or 2 will come out after work for a drink it doesn't go past that, I don't get invites for any weekend social stuff, and when I've invited them for BBQ or a curry or a dinner party no-one comes. I put that down to London and the distances that everyone travels to the office/lives apart.
Like most people on here (probably) at heart I'm an outdoor and active sort, but I've strugled to find any regular mb'ing partners. Nearest place to ride for me is Dorking/north downs or also Swinley....much prefer th North Downs as a riding area. I've tagged along on a few stw rides at swinley...actually I've started the threads and arranged them now I think of it, had a fun time but never seem to manage to get anything regular going and it becomes a drag trying to get people out all the time.
For North Downs riding I used to go and tag along with rides from the Nirvana shop in westcott....I'm sure anyone that has done this will understand when I say I found the shop owner and some of the regulars not as welcoming and friendly as I'd have liked. Although a good few of the other riders were friendly and I often had a fun ride I again, ddn't make any 'friends' and it never became a regular thing for me.
Last year, being a bit fed-up with lack off-road riding buddies, and because I fancied something different, I got much more into climbing and had a pretty good year. Met lots of new people, thought of a few of them as friendships formed, would climb indoors 2 or 3 eves a week and then drive myself and a car load of friends off to places at the weekend to climb. Good fun.
The present problem came though when I took a nasty whipper (about an 8m fall) back in November and badly sprained my ankle. 6 months on I still can't do anything much at all on my ankle. Can't mtb, can't climb, can't run, even standing at the pub for a few hours makes it pretty sore. I've spent loads on physio and a private ortho consultaton to speed the NHS up, currently waiting for an mri in 10 days to determine how to treat the problem....could be lookng at surgery. In the mean time my usual active past-times have had to cease. I've also come to realise that the friends I'd made aren't so interested when I can't go climbing, and perhaps when I'm not providing the car/transport for their weekends away? Partly understandable...they can have fun climibng and I can't, but it has got annoying that a good number seem to have severed any links with me....don't reply to texts or emails about going for a drink etc. and go out without inviting me. I've tried hard to ensure I'm not 'trying too hard', I don't ask people to do stuff any more than abut once a month...but I still worry I've scared some off.
Anyway. the result is that I've been totally and utterly bored and done nothing but mope about at the weekend for months 😕
I can't do any of my usual sporting activities and the ankle seems to stop me trying most new sports or activities in an attempt to meet people(for example I can't try salsa dancing or the like).
I guess I need to find a non-active past time, for a while at least. I've thought briefly about some kind of night classes but I use my brain at work and prefer to relax it not tax it socially...and I assume this is not a good time of year for course/classes to start. Maybe something creative, but not thought of what....pottery or painting doesn't appeal 😕
I've started thinking about moving house. Move away from London...kind of seems drastic and kind of seems like running away and not facing up and dealing with trouble. Also, with the economy right now...leaving a good job to move out of London just hopng to find a social group/environment I fit into seems absurdly risky.
So. Anybody got any ideas for lifting the duldrums? 🙂
Go where your friends (the reliable ones) are. Go where there's interesting stuff to do. Go where you think you're ultimately going to get some zest for life back!
But ultimately do something about it sooner than later, I know from experience that a downward spiral is not easy to get out of.
Oh, and go and see the GP too, even if it's just to help confirm to you that you're not the only one with the same problems...
Changing jobs might be a bit drastic, but could you change your living arrangements? Maybe get a mountain-biking lodger?
a bit of a spiral
That's a good summary of depression. Do something now.
Sorry to hear that mate - read your post and when you say bored sounds like you mean lonely ? Hard to admit to.
Running away means you take your problems with you. I've moved a few times, stick in, can take a while to get settled and make friends. Can you get a flatmate ?
Yep I've been there before, so recognise signs and want to ensure I don't slip down again.
I have one lodger. Get on fine, but don't do stuff together much. He does have a mtb, a nice focus, but despite me offering to take him when I've gone I think he's only ridden it about 4 times in the 20 months he has had it. He is fine to get on with but spends a lot of time in his own company, pc gaming and stuff....think I've just realised why he normally doesn't ride with me...he's a bit rotund and unfit and I probably didn't slow up enough for him....but then 6 months of no exercise and I'm 1.5 stone heavier than normal so will be slow when I do manage to get biking again!
I've space for another....anyone want a small room in a house in south london....one slighty mardy/needy landlord 😉
Hels. your right. I do feel lonely.
have a look at spice (social /adventure club)
http://www.spiceuk.com/home?handshaked=true
it is expensive BUT you get to try new things and that in turn lets you meet find new interests and meet people with similar interests. You can do adventure or mellow weekends.
If you want to meet people you need to do weekends/holidays as if you just do a afternoon type thing peole come/do/go, on hols/weekends you get to know people.
Also - where I am libraries have a clubs folder - of all local socities, and there will probably be evening classes/adult education etc not too far away etc.
Hey Neil! Sorry to hear you're feeling low. It sounds a lot like you're fed up of being injured, rather than it coming from where you live or your social situation. From having friends with depression, it seems like a good rule of thumb is "keep doing stuff", but obviously if your usual activities go out of the window due to injury then it can be easy to fall into lethargy.
I know I have a vested interest, but have you thought about doing some sort of volunteer work? You get to meet new people, get the rosy glow of smugness, etc. In London the local placements are probably all at needle exchanges or giving out soup to unemployed stockbrokers, but there should be something nearby that suits - try your local Volunteer Bank, if you're got one.
Living with people you get on with and can share activities together makes a massive difference if you're on your own. Especially if you're single and don't have a lot else to keep you busy.
Problem is then when either one of you gets a Girlfriend and the other just gets left on their own all the time...
Seriously though, if you're struggling to meet people in London (of all places) you need to put some effort in. Look for another lodger indeed, being London I think you can afford to be quite specific with your requirements in a lodger, but ultimately don't make them feel uncomfortable or they'll just move out again ASAP.
When you do get back into mtb'ing, you could join a club.
Not sure where you are in SE London, but these guys ( http://www.bigfootbikes.com ) have a road and mtb club, and do evening and weekend trips.
Where in South London are you? Pop into the LBS, see when they ride out, join them.
Find a girl to ride with. A cute bum in the saddle in front always makes me feel better.
Hi Ant 🙂
hmm volunteering, I'll think about that, thanks. I used to really enjoy fixing up Ashton court and Leigh woods....but I had a vested interest! I really miss Bristol 🙁
gusamc, nice idea thanks. I considered a singles (singles not dating) club last year but then found a climbing group and got back into that instead
Hi Hairy, hope you're well, we've met - rudeboy's london pootle a coule of years back, I was the other singlespeeder.
I'm in Upper Norwood, it's by Crystal Palace. There are road cycling clubs around (even track - Herne Hill, our White City olympic's velodrome is about 4 miles north). I've been thinking of getting a road bike to get into one of the club scences....but doubt ankle can cope currently and I've got one brand new bike sat around unridden (biult up a Ti 456 for the fun of it), nervous about adding another to the stable if I can't ride it. Once better I'll reconsider though.
nickname, bromely is only 7.5 miles from me. Do they do much mtb'ing? A quick look on the site shows weekday evening/night rides. By the time I've finished work in central london and comuted home (bike of course - just about manage that still) I'm struggling to make an evening ride 🙁 or is that my lethargy finding excuses?
break the cycle. move, find someone or something that floats your boat. you're starting to break the cycle by accepting something is wrong. depression is truly horrible and is a much more dangerous condition than many give it credit.
the only way i got out of it was by recognising what was wrong and doing something about it.
remember even in these times of change we work to live not live to work. it's not the victorian era we don't have to work hundreds of hours for nowt and we have choices those poor b*ggers didn't have at all. maybe less choice was good?
good luck.
Now we're talking 🙂
Check Evans in Croydon, maybe them?
What I can tell you is his, when I lived in Hampton I complained about nowhere to ride without prior driving. I moved to Ireland, beautiful place with even less riding on the doorstep. Bearing in mind how much riding's to be had within 30mins drive I think you're lonely more than sad. Cheer up, at least you can have a proper kebab and a pint for under a tenner 😀
Meet up with Mboy for a ride. You will realise that it could all be much much worse.
A cute bum in the saddle in front always makes me feel better.
I charge a fee...
get out of London maybe?
Go to the pub, join a library, join a book club, join a dating site, have a street party, anything.
thanks for the ideas, keep them coming.
emsz, I tried a dating site for 3 months at the start of the year, got 2 dates 😕 now that was depressing!
going down the pub alone isn't that appealing, although I do it if there is a football match I want to see on. Usually a fun evening, a beer and a chat with other fans, but doesn't lead to making good friends for me.
book club...hmm, not a bad idea perhaps. I don't read for fun much, just the odd paperback if on a relaxing holiday (which is rare....I normaly do active holidays, climbing or mtbing....I get bored sat on a beach!) but perhaps a book club would give me an incentive.
Come back to Bristol. With all the work they're doing to the trails in AC and LW, it'll be amazing by the end of the summer....
very difficult...esp when you feel all your interests are reliant on a functioning body!
Although ive not been riding for a fair few years...i have been active with other things (martial arts and boxing). last year, there was a local white collar boxing fight in aid of charity which I took part in (more to prove a point to myself than anythign else) and got hooked! Admitedly, ankle-wise you wont be able to do it, but there are other arts that you could do. I found this out when I suffered a few injuries that meant I couldn't train....i found other arts and now I train 4 nights a week!
take away the outdoorsy element and think about what other interests you have and i'm sure there will be something.
i think it was a good idea to put the post on here....to the point that this palce is full of like minded individuals.
start a new thread and organise a bikers pint night....give plenty of notice and ask people to tag along. I'd be up for it (if I wasn't a couple of hundred miles away!!!!!)
Morgs
Yoga, loads of women go to yoga. Should help your ankle as well.
another thought....how about a second, social job?
I've worked as a Doorman for the last 3.5 years and its great! I see it as getting paid to have a night out, you don't wake up with a hangover and you meet loads of new people!!!
Not sure if this would work for you but when I got ill and couldn't do any active stuff I was really really low, ended up finding a kind of salvation in photography, which I had always had a passing interest in but never pursued. The cool thing is you can still stay involved in the outdoor scene, but not in such an active way. Maybe it's not photography for you, but is there anything you've always fancied trying but never got round to doing? Something you used to enjoy as a kid then gave up?
Volunteering is a very good shout as well IMO.
emsz - shhh... the yoga thing is a secret! It's not too late to edit your post!
Meet up with Mboy for a ride. You will realise that it could all be much much worse.
Who needs enemies with friends like TheSwede! 😉
cheers guys and girls 🙂 keep the ideas coming.
wallop, I'm considering it. Loved Bristol as a city and loved the riding...so much if willing to drive for a bit it was great! Still got lots of mates in Bristol and other riding buddies across south wales....I'm feeling emotinal now thinking about it....no...thinking about them 😳 Even Anthony/Mr Agreeable has some good points 😉
morgs, I've never been into any martial arts or fighting sports, but if yoou can suggest one that a guy with a dodgy ankle can do I'd look into it. On a similar vain though I have been thinking about other sports I enjoy and might be able to manage. a year or so back I considered joining a London rowing club as I've rowed a bit before. The clubs are bloomin costly so I need to be sure I can manage it at the moment....I did 10k on my concept 2 the other day to see (that hurt, being so unfit)....spent 2 weeks limping after 😕
I did try and restart the London beer up thread that fizzled out IIRC...or maybe I just meant to but didn't...I'll check/try again.
Yoga....something I stringently avoided despite various climbing friends telling me it's good for your climbing...I have an image problem with yoga...I've always thought it was somthng for middle class housewives. Since I'm currently no more active than the aforementioned white wine spritzer drinkers it is probably right up my street...I shall reconsider.
second job. Hmm. I could really enjoy doing a few hours in a local bike shop on a Saturday. Oooo I've just had an idea 😀 My neighbour, having taken voluntary redundancy from the civil service, is setting up a bike shop in Crystal Palace....suspect he would be happy with some free Saturday assistance.....just a shame he's planning on specialising on commuter and leisure cycles and nothing more appealing to me...I'll offer my assistance again. Don't think I've the physique to be a doorman though.
something I did as a kid but stopped...errr...played football, no not on this ankle....played in an orchestra, ah, well, I've not played in so long I'm not sure I could read music now...I'd have to buy a clarinet again and spend a fair while learning to play and a fair bit of cash on lessons before I dare go near a band or orchestra....but it's an idea, thanks.
I've always thought it was somthng for middle class housewives
That is exactly what it's for. You will not see a selection of 20 somethings who are all capable of doing the splits. You wouldn't like it... trust me on this one.
[i]I have an image problem with yoga...I've always thought it was somthng for middle class housewives.[/i]
I go to Yoga occasionally and my GF goes all the time, we're not middle class housewives. (well, she would have been if I hadn't rescued her LOL)
emsz - shut up will you!
Sorry Yeti, he is in London though, so miles away from you, and lets face it, his needs are greater than yours 😆
How about learning a foreign language? Most people that I know who've done this have ended up going to the pub with class mates to carry on practicing.
Leave yoga for the 19 yr old lesbians and us desperate housewives looking for a little meditation in our lives.
I lived SE London for years, just moved up to Manchester for better biking. A few comments to make:
1. I can't say much that's favourable about Nirvana either but Diary Of A Mountain Biker (google it) are a really friendly bunch. Based down Leatherhead way
2. Dulwich Paragon - road club. Ditto, really friendly, social rides. Highly recommended for making biking-type friends. I really missed them when I left.
3. Dulwich Park Runners if you want to run in the evenings. Serpentine Running Club is massive and centrally-based to get to quickly after work
4. London's great, I won't knock it but it's not the friendliest/most neighbourly so if you don't have a network of friends it's can make you feel isolated
5. That's a massive post you've put up there, I get the feeling you need someone to converse with. Might well be worth popping along to see the doc just for some advice. Obviously outdoor sports are highly recommended for feeling down.
I kind of know how the OP feels in some respects. I like socialising but when I was single I joined loads of clubs and so on following everyone's advice, and never found anyone I particularly liked socialising with.
Fortunately I also have lots of hobbies I can do on my own 🙂
Molly! You're not helping. Neil want's to get laid, not be on his own!!
I went to pilates once in the village hall - very disappointing
Could your ankle manage kayaking? Join a local club and you can do it pretty cheaply to start with. I've been doing it a few years now and its a really exciting adrenalin sport!!
join a library
Emzs, seriously????????
Oh I don't know what you should Neil, how about a photography or cooking course? One of the single chaps at work came out of his marriage and got straight onto learning stuff and is having a whale of a time. Nice pineapple turn overs too!!!
😳
He might meet some-one in the romance section. You never know!!
"Why Miss James how lovely you look without your librarian glasses on!"
I say just spend more and more of your time on here. You'll meet someone eventually.
emsz... how many days until you're 20?
Do people still go to libraries?! Do they still exist? I thought the world existed only on the interwebs nowadays?
12
No longer a teenager. Yay
My college has a library, but that's just full of the Emos and goths keeping out of the sun LOL!
Ha! Do they nick all the vampire books :-/
Thanks broess 🙂 I know I'm not the only person that has had difficulties with Nirvana...any stop at the Peaslake coffee shop and mention of the shop will normally find someone slagging them off, but it is nice for me to read your comments - it rmeinds me it's not just me beng miserable! point 4 - agree.
Yeah it is a big post....I want to say more though 🙁 You're bang on, I just want some friends to chat with. I'll go to the GP if I feel worse but I know my GP is too busy to chat unfortunately...he will offer other treatments.
cheers for the solidarity molgrips. I sometimes think I'm just not a likeable person as no-one likeable would have not made friends in 3+ years in London....but then I remember I'm well liked at work and still have lots of friends from a decade in Bristol and my time at university. I just haven't found my environment in this city...yet.
Oh god, I think they have to get a new set of the Twilight series every couple of weeks!!
Yeti, I've been finding emsz amusing so far, so let him be please. let's think....it's been about 8 months since I dumped the psycho girl I dated briefly last summer...so yeah there is some truth in what he says 😉
what he says
she
emsz... a him? Please say it isn't so?
I've been waiting since Christmas for her to come of age!
Er neil...sorry.
Yeti, I keep telling you, the chances of you getting to **** me are about as likely as you becoming a moderator of this dump. LOL
What about Sammy Louise though? Yeti has many guises, none of them brilliant mind, looks like a hairy bloke in all of them I'm sure 🙂
Dear STW,
Please can you make me a moderator for the next month.
I feel I display the necessary moral decorum and set an exemplary standard in the way I've conducted myself on here to date.
I never enter into arguments, nor do I troll. I never swear and when I do I ******* edit myself rather than risk that that the filter won't pick it up. I've been banned less than 10 times and I feel that the responsibility of being a moderator is just what I need to [s]crush my enemies[/s] ensure that I will continue to behave impeccably.
I am available between the hours of 6am and 5am but do need a few hours off a day to go to the gym.
Yours sincerely,
Sammie-Louise x
Neil - I'm pretty sure that your current 'low,fed up, bored and down' situation is mostly due to the ankle injury.
A few of us on STW have spent time off the bike because of illness or injury. I can assure you even with friends and a loving partner you can feel like you're going under if the outdoor life, or adrenalin rush that certain sports give us aren't there anymore.
When you get this ankle sorted out it will change everything.
Goodluck with all the idea's that people have given you so far. This is the good side of STW showing through.
Vote TSY for moderator 😀
Neil, sorry to hear your feeling under the weather, though I had noticed on FB. I can assure you I certainly did think of you as a friend when I lived in London, and would have loved to have seen more of you if things like babies and moving 300 miles North hadn't gone and spoiled it!I can put you in touch with a couple of the Dulwich Paragon riders who like a bike ride and a beer if you want?
By the way, drop me a line and come up to Chester for a weekend. It always good to get out of the city for a while. The only condition is you bring the ti 456. I'm not buying this ankle thing and besides, surely even with a bad ankle you can manage Llandagla 🙂
Chris
Vote TSY for moderator
Seconded.
errrr, I don't think so!
Awwww c'mon emsz? Show a little support for a buddy.
Being a moderator could be just what I need to give my life some direction 🙁
Wrong direction there TSY!
I thought that out of all people I could rely on your support Auntie 🙁
I'm in Upper Norwood, it's by Crystal Palace.
Ah, see there's yer problem right there....
..s'in Saaaarf London, innit? No good, no good... 😐
We need anuvver Pootle soon....
The more people you meet, more chances some of 'em might actually be ok. And end up being friends.
Mind you, I've met loads of people off here and every single one of em's bin 'orrible. 😥
TSY - I thought a new career of challenges was beckoning for you? I'll support you for that, you did bloody brilliantly recently. 8)
Tis true C_G but I need a new challenge for my rest time as well.
Keeping this place decent would seem a fair challenge 🙂
Did you ride today?
You don't do rest ... apart from keyboard capers. 😉
I joined the dark side today. 😳
oops, sorry emsz, guess I should have known from the name 😳
Hi Chris, I nearly popped around to try and drag you down to the Mansion the other day...when did you move!? Hope you and the family are all well 🙂 Thanks for the offer 🙂 bringing the new bike will have to wait though. It's had err...about 2 or 3 rides...gentle pootles from the door to Addington hill and Shirley so nothing much more than road rides...last one lasted 2 hours and left me limping for a fortnight 🙁 I've stopped trying now.
Erm Elf. Mate....I can only hope that you are as different from your online persona as Rudeboy and Az 😉
S'ok Neil it's fine. I'm not very offended..
Yeti, If you get to be a Mod, then so do I.
Edit - I'll e-mail you C_G.
Emsz - I don't think you're as deserving as me. PLus you go off with your lady friend at the weekend when everyone gets out of hand on here.
We need anuvver Pootle soon....
Why not on the date when I asked you if you were about to give me a London tour by bike? If you're not doing that bike race or whatever it was.
TSY - it did involve tears and considerable MTFU'ing. 🙄 I really want a frame bag to do my White Horse Tour but only available from USA and take 6 months or something silly! 40 miles anyway. 🙂
We should ask Chipps, and let him decide.
Towns and cities can be lonely places as you're kind of anonymous. There's often no sense of community and not many people know their neighbours. I would hate to live in London and would worry about meeting people more than anything, but I am a country bumpkin.
Are you able to ride your bike with your ankle? If you can, why not join a MTB club and go cycling with some folk. Try to meet some like minded people and gradually get to know them without being too needy. Have some banter and remember friendships are about give and take.
neil - not that it's going to really help much in the short term, but your post does make it sound like you're not really that into London. Is your job there really that good that it makes up for that? No reason not to start looking for jobs elsewhere if you really do want to move on - not burning your boats in that case, and depending what sort of thing you do, the job market isn't as bad as made out.
I feel left out 🙁
When your ankle gets better you could keep an eye on the Addiscombe CC forum for off-road rides which usually meet at East Croydon. And TBH living in South Norwood you're practically in Addiscombe ! They're not every week these days but fairly regular. If your ankle can handle less demanding road rides, then the first sat of every month has beginner rides (13 mphish) for about 30-35 miles. Otherwise the slowest group on the sat club run is 15 mph.
http://www.addiscombe.org/members/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=19
A bit further out there's Redhill CC who have regular off-road rides.
http://www.redhillcc.co.uk/mtb
EDIT : I've just double checked and you said Upper Norwood not South Norwood, so Dulwich Paragon are definitely local for you. Although they don't, as far as I know, do any off-road rides. Also being smaller than Addiscombe I don't know if they cater so much for slower/wider range of speeds, although I could be wrong.
Hi
you could move closer to a hospital and then you would likely get some nurses in the group of prospective lodgers - and they have lots of nurse friends. my mate did this when he lived in Epsom, which isn't too far away from you, has a good train service and isn't too far from the north downs.
for mtbing around North Downs (when your ankle does get better) consider the muddy moles sunday ride ( http://www.muddymoles.org.uk/), or maybe the dorking cocks ( http://www.mtbsurreyhills.com/, or diary of a mountain biker ( http://www.diaryofamountainbiker.co.uk/).
The moles start from Brockets Farm near leatherhead so would be a lot easier to get to from where you currently are - it is near junction 9 of the M25.
Otherwise it looks like a lot more darkside riding for you...
I really want a frame bag to do my White Horse Tour but only available from USA
You mean one that goes inside the frame, to carry stuff? IanB on here makes those, or rather his Mrs does.
Neil - when I worked in London I only knew people from work. I did go out with them a fair bit tho, but it was a young company.
Erm Elf. Mate....I can only hope that you are as different from your online persona as Rudeboy and Az
I'm far worser in real life. Like a tin of beans what's bin left open too long, I worsen with age...
Why not on the date when I asked you if you were about to give me a London tour by bike? If you're not doing that bike race or whatever it was.
I'm doing that bike race I'm afraid. Leaving town that afternoon. 🙁