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BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.
She gave the following statement ; “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..
IGMC again....
Welcome to Facebook 2012
A man goes into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Certainly Sir," says Gervais the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"
"Sure. I'll have that little pale green one with the moustache," says the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Gervais "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one".
So Gervais gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good", says Gervais, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans, the washer-upper. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."
So out comes Hans, while the waiter disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais with mild green hairy lip-squid.
The story of Ghandi.
Ghandi was a great, but poor, man who walked miles and miles barefoot in order to perform his duties. Clearly, this left him with feet in very bad shape, with corns and callouses all over them. Being poor, his diet wasn't great and so he was a very weak, frail person. Another side effect of his bad diet was that he was left cursed with infamously bad breath. In spite of this all though, he was a great spiritual leader and said to be in tune with his supernatural side.
After a while therefore, he became known as the super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday," he says.
The cashier looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. She explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a talking frog called Kermit Jagger out front who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world even is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Bugger! I hadn't heard mine before my mate said it the other day.
Heard 2 of Cougars but not the one with the similar ending.
Must try harder......
To be fair it’s still funny.
A paramedic was doing his VDI outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little home made cart with yellow and green squares on.
The little girl was wearing a green helmet with a blue light on top. The cart was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The paramedic walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice ambulance", the paramedic said with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl replied.
The paramedic looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little paramedic", the paramedic said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your ambulance, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Reports are coming in of a tragedy on the boating lake. Two bodies have been recovered from the water after their small boat sank; initial investigations suggest that to keep warm the men had lit a small fire in the base of the craft to stave off the effects of the low temperature out on the water.
A police spokesman commented that it just proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
@Cougar, thanks for posting the Hairy Lip Squid joke, I've been trying to remember it for months.
I thought you were posting to tell us she’d poppinsed her clogs.