[Closed] Jokes - what you got?

An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded.

It was a Jihadi Long Legs.

Coat!

And we're off!

I've recently started playing the triangle with my local regga band.....

I just stand at the back and, ting!

Bloke phones the police ...
'Help! There are two women fighting over me'
'What's wrong with that Sir?'
'The fat one's winning'

Yes!

what do rappers use to clean the loo?

Blee-atch!

Most are a bit long but, anything here from last week any use to you?

http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/a-man-is-sitting-in-a-seafood-restaurant

"My dog's got no nose!"
"How does it smell?"
"Awful!"

Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in a cherry tree.
What's the loudest sound in Africa? A giraffe eating cherries.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

If your feet smell and your nose runs ...... Your upside down.

Some beauties in here (it's all about the delivery)

NSFW

Thanks all. Some good material the previous thread, need to keep them on the pithier (?) end of the spectrum!

I went into the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?”
The bloke at the counter said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

source: http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

A woman goes past a pet shop and sees an advert for a parrot going free to a good home. So she goes in to enquire about it and the bloke behind the counter tells her that it used to live in the knocking shop up the road that was raided a few weeks earlier.
So the woman takes it homa and the parrot says
'**** me. A new knocking shop'
and the woman thinks it's funnty. The woman's daughter comes home and the parrots says
'**** me. A new prostitute'
and the daughter thinks it's funny.
The woman's husband comes home and the parrot says,
'Hello, Mister Robinson. Haven't seen you for a while.'

A white horse goes into a bar.
Horse: A whisky please!
Barman: Which one would you like?
Horse: What have you got?
Barman: All the usual sir. Bells, Grouse, Johnny Walker... We've even got one named after you.
Horse (bemused): What, Eric?

What time do the elephants come out of the cherry trees ... Tea time.
Why do snakes have flat heads..... They can't tell the time.

I spent yesterday evening cutting up carrots with the Grim Reaper

I fear I was dicing with death

I spent a couple of hours at the wife's' grave yesterday

...bless her. She thinks i'm digging a pond

Heard about the pessimist, German butcher?
He feared the wurst.

Raylene sent Cletus to the sex therapist as their marriage was in trouble.
On his return he went straight out to the barn and starts singing to his John Deere.
Raylene asks why he's sing to the farm machinery.
Cletus replies that the therapist told him he should do something nice to a tractor.

Mate just came back from Africa, he can't stop playing bingo, think he has contracted tombola.

I could tell you the joke about the retarded dwarf... but it's not big and it's not clever

Just got back from a day out in Blackpool, never again!

On the seafront I saw a guy and woman having a huge shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting.

Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts hitting the guy with his truncheon

in the end the guy gets the truncheon off the copper and starts hitting him AND his wife!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!.

A survey found that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

Did you know that the population of Dubai don't like the Flintstones
while the ones in Abu Dhabi do.

A woman goes up to the bar and orders a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.

She went back later and ordered a single entendre. So he shagged her.

Yorkshireman comes downstairs and says "get your coat on, I'm off to the pub."
Wife says " Ooh, are you taking me out for the evening?"
Yorkshireman "No, I'm turning the heating off."

A Chinese couple get divorced, she went back to Peking and he went back to w***ing.

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

two parrots stood on a perch
one says to the other
"can you smell fish?"

A man died at a brewery up the road from me. He fell in one of the vats of beer and drowned.
The police said they don't think he suffered. He got out twice for a wee

For my next job, I'd like to clean mirrors.

It's something I can see myself doing.

I've just painted my girlfriend, twice, using cheese.

I double-glossed her.

God, I hope Tim Vine doesn't find this thread 🙂

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.
So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.
The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword.
The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.
The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!
The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.
The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh!
But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

i woke up yesterday with loads of small brown discs all over me

i soon realised i had ebolacornflakes

i woke up today and had a black thing stuck on my head

i soon realised i had ebolahat

Ireland's worst air disaster is just being reported, as a light aircraft has crashed into a graveyard.

The death toll currently sits at 500, and is expected to rise as digging continues into the night.

🙂
you havent read this thread all the way throgh have you?
its already been told but there were more bodies 🙂

Ah, so I see. I have read the thread, but skipped the "here's a big long list of Tim Vine jokes" post as I figured I'd have heard them all before.

yours was funny too

A young Polish girl stows away on a ship. After a few days she is discovered and taken in front of the captain.

“What are you doing on my ship?” he asks.

(Polish accent here) “I came to UK to work as waitress and I met this nice boy from Liverpool and we fall in love so we decide to run away to America to start new life,” replies the girl. “So I hide in ship and we have a VERY good arrangement.... every day he bring me three meals and in return every day I let him f* me.”

“You’re certainly getting f*ed,” replies the captain. “This is the Birkenhead ferry!”

*******************************

The Potato King was sick of his three princess daughters moping around the palace so he summoned them to his chamber.

(Pam Ayers rustic accent needed here) “Daughters,” he commanded, “It is time for you to marry. Go out and find yourselves a suitable potato husband and report back to me one year from now.”

A year passed and the three daughters returned to tell their father how they had got on.

“My first daughter… tell me who you married!”

“Well Father,” replied the first daughter, “ I met a lovely Jersey Royal and I married him!”

“Very good! Very good!” chortled the Kind proudly. “Daughter number two?”

“Ooh Father, I met a lovely King Edward and I married him!”

“Excellent! Excellent!” smiled the King. “Now, daughter number three – how did you get on?”

(Sad voice here) “Well Father, I’m afraid I must disappoint you. I married….. Des Lynam”

“Des Lynam? Des Lynam?” shouted the King, enraged. “He’s just a common tater!”