 You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
I don't understand any of these.
Neither do they.
Still not quite got it yet..
The idea of nearly getting something doesn't exist, it's a state verb. You get it or you don't get it. 😆
"Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter."
"Stop wasting my time."
The punchline there should be, "I don't follow you."
Did you know that recursion contains the word recursion?
Have you ever googled it?
The punchline there should be, "I don't follow you."
Not after you've seen that version tweeted for the 1000th time 🙂
A chemist, a phyicist and an economist are shipwrecked and marooned a desert island whith no food.
Just as they are begining to give up hope and come to terms with starving to death some tins of food are washed ashore from the shipwreck.
They debate how best to open them.
The chemist says "There appears to be a small sulphur content in the rocks on this island. We could use this and the seawater to make a form of sulphuric acid which we can use to speed up the corrosion of the tins and effectively burn our way inot them."
The physicist says "That's far too complicated. All we need is a sharp piece of flint and a sturdy stick and we can make a lever or axe and smash them open."
The economist says "If we can assume for a moment that we have a tin-opener the rational thing to do...."
Never Twice the Same Colour.
The bartender says, we don't serve your kind here. Then a tachyon walked into the bar.
A photon walks into two bars.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them. Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side. Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
A: Nothing; you can't cross a scaler and a vector.
The physicist says "That's far too complicated. All we need is a sharp piece of flint and a sturdy stick and we can make a lever or axe and smash them open."
And the Geologist said "There's zero chance of finding a flint on a desert island".
Why can't you tell jokes in base 8? because 7 10 11.
"Were you planning on that healing by secondary intention?"
Andy
Why can't you tell jokes in base 8? because 7 10 11
That's pretty flippin cryptic.
RM: Proper loled at the Pascal joke 😀
[img] 
[/img]
Has to be my favourite XKCD, I use fourier transforms daily...
The waiter brought me a plate with 2 dots on it.
I said 'No, you fool - I asked for an omlette!'
The best bit about this thread is you can't tell if the jokes are really duff or you just don't get them
Enjoying lots, googling even more
I've got most of these so far but you're gonna have to explain that one!
Umlout (Sp?) Mols
Oh I see... Umlaut...
How do you work out how many customers in a restaurant are only there for a drink?
With a binomial distribution.
Aha result!
Here I am by myself on a Friday night laughing at all the jokes. 🙂
How do you work out how many customers in a restaurant are only there for a drink?With a binomial distribution.
Took me a moment to get that one. Like it.
B_Leach, haven't done transforms yet, doing them at the start of next year. Hopefully I'll be able to fully understand that comic then..
int 1/(cabin) d(cabin) = ?
Ahaha.. binomial.. got there in the end 🙂
It's not the same thing, but I just watched a musical comedy show on the BBC which was completely dependant on the listener being both a Kate Bush and a Kate Nash fan. [i]Brave.[/i]
Never Twice the Same Colour.
Conversely, Picture Always Lousy.
don Simon - how does it smell?
An old man walks into the bakers - "A loaf a bread please"
Baker replies "wholemeal, white or granary?"
Old man says "It doesn't matter, I've got me bike outside."
Never Twice the Same Colour.
Conversely, Picture Always Lousy.
just got both of those, seen together.
An engineer and a physicist are both chasing the same girl (a philosopher). She cannot decide which one can have her so she sets them a challenge.
"Starting from over there you have to walk towards me halving the distance each step you take, the first one to kiss me can have me"
The physicist thinks for a minute and complains "Thats impossible I'll never get there"
The engineer walks towards her halving each step and eventually ends up 1mm from her face, leans forwards, kisses her and says " Near enough"
Two parrots sat on a perch
One turns to the other
"Can you smell fish?"
Where did Heisenberg first pronounce his principle?
Here.. no,there...over here...up there...everywhere.."Not sure he did"
Pessimists will tell you that glasses are half empty
Optimists will tell you that glasses are half full
Optometrists will tell that the second pair are half price
Every couple has a moment in a field.
I'm concerned about how many of these I get.
An old man walks into the bakers - "A loaf a bread please"
Baker replies "wholemeal, white or granary?"
Old man says "It doesn't matter, I've got me bike outside."
Not getting this one at all 😕
How do you work out how many customers in a restaurant are only there for a drink?With a binomial distribution.
Proper made me giggle, that did.
Pessimists will tell you that glasses are half empty
Optimists will tell you that glasses are half full
Optometrists will tell that the second pair are half price
Engineers will tell you that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Every couple has a moment in a field.
Oh, that is [i]good.[/i]
Not getting this one at all
I put it down as either 'surreal' or a trick to try and make you work it out.
No soap radio did spring to mind.
Toys19, that joke was clearly created by an engineer who doesn't know how physicists work 🙂
Also they'd need to be 2 steps away. If they were further they'd never reach, but the girl doesn't state how far they are away..
I suggest you try it out...
[i]Toys19, that joke was clearly created by an engineer who doesn't know how physicists work [/i]
Or a british engineer.
Also they'd need to be 2 steps away. If they were further they'd never reach, but the girl doesn't state how far they are away
Go on then - why?
Because the somethingion of 2^-n from n=1 -> 2 as n -> inf.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..Duh?
😀
boxelder- awful. 😆
A hippy goes into a bakers and says "can I have two doughnuts please."
The baker says "the doughnuts are all gone."
The hippy says "Excellent dude. I'll have five!"
"[i]A photon walks into two bars.[/i]"
This I like. And the Pascal one.
A person walks into a Glasgow bakers and asks "Is that a pavlova or a meringue?". The baker replies, "No, you're right."
No-one in Glasgow would ever ask about a pavlova. Some of them have a small piece of fruit in...
Auguste Escoffier once made a merangue-based desert as a treat for Anna Pavlova. However, no sooner had he delivered it to her than the door-bell rang again and Pavlova's dog ate it.
*applauds*
A glasgow school teacher explains to his student that although in almost every language a double negative makes a positive, there are no languages where a double positive makes a negative.
'Aye right' replies the student
Only a startled meringue will come back to you.
Don't get the hippy doughnuts one.
Because the somethingion of 2^-n from n=1 -> 2 as n -> inf.
Ah yes.. see I haven't got my green booklet with me 🙂
Auguste Escoffier once made a merangue-based desert as a treat for Anna Pavlova. However, no sooner had he delivered it to her than the door-bell rang again and Pavlova's dog ate it.
Took me about 5 minutes to get that.
Everyone at my work mocks me for being a nerd, but tomorrow I'm going to bring a lump of coal in and show them what I'm really made of.
Swedish man walks into Boots
"I'd like some deoderent please" he says to the assistant
"Certainly sir. Ball or aerosol?"
"Neither, I want it for my armpits"
A man walks into a St Helens hardware shop and asks for some turps
"Certainly sir, do you want audio turps or video turps?"
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like bananas.
...and tits like coconuts.
well the ones in our garden do, but the blackbirds prefer sultanas.
Can't believe I got to tell this, but here goes.
Who was the leader of the pedant's revolt?
Which Tyler.
APF
Quote
"One day I believe all black men will own 50inch plasma tvs and dress in designer trainers"
Martin Looter King
ok for completeness I'll do the binary joke no-ones done yet...
binary eh, it's as easy as 1 10 11
I am therefore I think.
Sorry, I was putting Descartes before the horse there....
That's not a neutrino in my pocket, I've got a hadron. 😉
Two atoms are walking down the street when they bump into each other. One atom seems fine, but the other atom is obviously shaken up.
"Are you all right?" asks the one atom solicitously.
"No!" cries the other atom, looking about frantically. "I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
Back in the 70's I was in Ashington in Northumberland, I went into a hairdressers & asked for a perm. The barber says, 'I wandered, lonely as a cloud...'
What's the best cure for seasickness?
Sit under an oak tree.
All day I've been trying to work out what a void consists of....i've given up. Ah well no matter.
An egg and a sausage in a frying pan, the egg turns to the sausage and says 'Hows it going?' to which the sausage replies 'F*ck me, a talking egg!'
[img] 
[/img]
Oh, took me a little while to get that multimeter one.. hehehe...
Is that just a "Resistance is futile" thing, or is there more to it? Saw this today, wasn't expecting a nerd joke, so took me a while to get it. Brilliant.
[img] 
[/img]
This one made me giggle a bit today as well.
[img] 
[/img]
[img] 
[/img]
Which Tyler is now my favourite joke of all time. Oh my word, I can't stop laughing.
Should it not be the Pedants' Revolt?
Superb, Willard!
A Higgs boson particle walks into a bar. The barman says 'ah there you are!'.
An Electron and a Proton walk in to a bar,
Proton says, "Your round"
Electron "Are you sure?"
Proton "Positive"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
.
.
.
To get to the same side!
A Neutron walks in to a bar and asks for a Gin & Tonic, "how much is that?" it asks the bar man
.
.
.
.
For you sir, No charge!
[img] 
[/img]
Enough of the neutron/no charge electron/positive jokes lol..
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Nah, I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
One for Don Simon.
A Spaniard is in London and wanders into a clothes shop, and says in a very thick accent, "Hello sor, carn you elp me, I nid som, como se dice, how you say, calcetines?"
The shopkeeper says "I'm sorry mate, I don't speak a word of Spanish, could you describe what you need?"
The Spaniard points at his feet. The shopkeeper says "You need some shoes?"
The Spaniard says "Shoos! Si!" and looks hopeful. So the shopkeeper wanders off and comes back with a pair of shoes in a box. But it's clearly not right, the Spaniard says "sorry, no shoos" and points to his feet again.
So the shopkeeper guesses again "You need some trainers?"
The Spaniard says "Trayners! Si!" and looks hopeful again. so the shopkeeper wanders off and comes back with a pair of Nike. But it's clearly not right, the Spaniard says "sorry, no trainers" and points to his feet again.
The shopkeeper's getting really annoyed, but suggests "Socks perhaps?" and goes to the back, the returns with a pair of black cotton socks.
The Spaniard is clearly happy with this: "Ah, 'socks'! Eso si que es!"
The shopkeeper scowls and says "Well if you knew how to spell it, why didn't you tell me in the first place?!"
Well, I lolled.
Cougar that went on so long, but still quite good 😀
They can't [i]all [/i]be one-liners. Variety is the spice.
No, wait, I'm thinking of cumin.
Arguements against the theory of nominative determinism?
Michael Winner?