[Closed] Jokes that 95% of people won't get

😐

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I'll repost:

What goes, "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?

A parroty error.

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

... and those who understand ternary.

There are 10 types of people - those that understand binary and those that don't

My dog has no nose.


WELCOME TO TEXT ONLY COUNTERSTRIKE

You have been pwned by a grue


Why do nerds always get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

There should be a godwins law type thing for xkcd references..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banach%E2%80%93Tarski_paradox still none the wiser 😳

I saw a bloke in Tescos wearing that binary "joke" on a t-shirt.
I thought what a suave gentleman. Must have a lot of lady friends.

Now that is funny Dez!

Okay, so there's a singularity, see? And he walks up to a supernov...well he doesn't walk up, the Universe is expanding so he kind of moves... Well, actually the singularity isn't moving. He's in one place but the supernova is exploding, well,... they...I mixed it up. There was a physicist and a photon. None of them were walking...

Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here!"
Argon doesn't react.

What's yellow and dangerous?

A canary with root password.

A SQL statement walks into a bar and spots a couple of tables. It walks over to them and asks "Can I join you?"

Werner Heisenberg is driving home from the lab one night and he gets pulled over by a policeman, who asks him "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?". "No", replies Heisenberg, "but i know exactly where i am".

A Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church and sits down at a pew.

The priest's doing his rounds, and spots the hypothetical subatomic particle sitting at a pew. The priest says "Oi! You can't come in here. Subatomic particles don't have souls."

The Higgs Boson replies, "Ah! But you can't have Mass without me".

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The fire marshal comes in and issues a citation for exceeding the occupancy permit by an infinite amount, then closes down the bar.

Cougar, too computery, I don't get that SQL one 😐

[quote> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banach%E2%80%93Tarski_paradox still none the wiser

it seems to be about the difficulties of infinite sets. a concept that lies firmly in {things i don't fully get}

also: eaten by a grue. sounds unpleasant.

How much does energy cost?

80p.

This is my favourite joke...

Do you want to play the rape game?

Two atoms walking down the street.

One exclaims, "blimey, I've just lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second.

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

And so it was to be, that after the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply."

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind. When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber Therefrom.

And he saw that it was good.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

😀

Two scientists walk into a bar... the first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he dies.

Comic Sans walks into a bar.

The barman shouts, "get out, we don't serve your type."

I bought the OH a Klein Bottle for her birthday recently.

A right sod to wrap, it was.

[img] [/img]

A bloke I was talking to the other day was bragging that the temperature of his testicles was -273 degrees Celcius.

Absolute bollocks if you ask me.

See if you can get the mods to change the title from 95% to 99%, RealMan?

Why did police arrest the Adobe Acrobat?

Because he was a pdf-file.

"[i]...The Higgs Boson replies, "Ah! But you can't have Mass without me". [/i]"

That punchline deserves a rather better set-up 🙂

Referencing the above:

Bloke walks into a chemist and asks for a bottle of adenosine triphosphate.

Chemist: "That'll be 80p"

I bought the OH a Klein Bottle for her birthday recently.

A right sod to wrap, it was.

I LOVE this one. I almost bought a Klein bottle the other day, they look pretty cool. Apparently there's a triple Klein in some museum somewhere, here's a small picture..

[img] [/img]

Awesome.

That punchline deserves a rather better set-up

Feel free if you're that conCERNed about it.

Bloke walks into a chemist and asks for a bottle of adenosine triphosphate.

I had to look that up; very good, like it. (-:

There are 10 types of people, those who believe people can be classed into 10 groups and those who don't.

I had to look that up; very good, like it. (-:

Still not quite got it yet..

EDIT: Oh, got it now 😀

It's known as "ATP". 80p. Zing.

There are 10 types of people, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

What's the gayest colour space? (sing along now) "Y-M-C-K..."

Can you name a cardinal bigger than the Pope?

Two to the Pope.

What's the gayest colour space? (sing along now) "Y-M-C-K..."

*snort* fool. (-:

It has been conclusively proven that smoking is the leading cause of 84% of statistics.

Realman - you just reminded me of the Clifford Stoll TED talk , take a look if you haven't already. Literally a genius. 😀

Will do.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Two cats on a sloping roof, which one falls off first?

The one with the lower mew.

What does a dyslexic sysadmin eat at the same every morning?

Cronflakes.

A font walks into a bar and says "give me a ****ing pint of lager you tosser," to which the barman says "you're bold."

A philosophy warning label (Epistemological Denotation):

The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety
warnings (including this one), associated with this product may contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.

/* Halley */

(Halley's comment.)

Benoît B. Mandelbrot's middle initial stands for Benoît B. Mandelbrot.

A font walks into a bar and says to the barman, "look at me, I'm huge," so the barman says, "what's your point?"

Echo and the Bunnymen
"and the Bunnymen"

If you're not part of the solution...

... you're part of the precipitate.

How can you spot an outgoing mathematician?

He stares at *your* shoes while talking to you.

A man walks into an optician's.

"Doctor", he says (for they are all much of a muchness), "I'm having real trouble using my computer. Unless I'm looking right at my keyboard, mouse or printer, I just can't see any of them."

"Ah", said the optician, "I know what's the matter here. You've got a problem with your peripheral vision."

Cougar that one is awful 😆

Good one Pyro 😀

[img] [/img]

TBH, we should just WebWhack the entire XKCD website into here and then close the thread. (-:

I prefer SMBC to xkcd at the moment, maybe because xkcd is a bit depressing with all the cancer things. Still love some of the old ones though

[img] [/img]

Hehe.. this is the best joke thread ever on STW.

Dunno about 95% tho, even I had to google Banach Tarski and I'm a bloody genius.

%57%68%79%20%64%69%64%20%74%68%65%20%63%68%69%63%6b%65%6e%20%63%72%6f%73%73%20%74%68%65%20%72%6f%61%64%3f%20%54%6f%20%67%65%74%20%74%6f%20%74%68%65%20%6f%74%68%65%72%20%73%69%64%65%2e

4e696365206f6e652073616d757269

😉

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He replies "No, I'm travelling light!"

Know any good jokes about sodium? Na.

My favourite XKCD...
[url= http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/correlation.pn g" target="_blank">http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/correlation.pn g"/> [/img][/url]

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house.

The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

A superconductor walks into a bar.

The barman says "Get out, we don't serve your sort here"

The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

Actully LOL at the goon one, brilliant

Programmer 1 - "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
Programmer 2 - "No..."
Programmer 1 - "Inheritance."

(LISP programmer's bumper sticker: "My other CAR is a CDR".)

reading this I'm surprised I'm married 😆

As nerdy as this thread is, its the first one to make me actually lol on STW.

Good work!

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."

Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness.

Ah a pun about parabolas - this must be the comic section.

Ho ho ho 🙂

"Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter."
"Stop wasting my time."

😕

I don't understand any of these.

I don't understand any of these.

That's why you're so cool. 🙂

Thanks Deadly, your lush 8)

[img] [/img]

Ah a pun about parabolas - this must be the comic section.

Shook my head when I read that.

Did you know that recursion contains the word recursion?