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From time to time I have to host a staff awards thing, only bearable by (a) getting slightly drunk and (b) me weaving in as many bad jokes as possible.
Obviously we are doing it online this time, so I won't be able to hear the audience in stitches, although thinking about it I don't think anyone ever laughed in real life.
I'm looking for your best short, stupid and relatively clean jokes. Particular favourites are from teh Bob Mortimer/Peter Beardsley camp:
- I went to the electrical shop and asked if anyone could sell me a kettle
- Kenwood?
- Great, where is he?
- Do you think glass coffins will be a thing of the future?
- Remains to be seen
- I was walking through the graveyard and saw a man crouching by a gravestone
- Morning!
- No, I'm having a dump
That sort of thing. What ya got?
Get some inspiration from Gary Delaney's YT channel...
Is "International Women's Day" over yet? I'm starving.
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrup....
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I bet the guy that has the patents on hand-sanitiser is rubbing his hands together now.
I'm learning Hindi at the moment. "Sari" seems to be the hardest word.
Three boys in the playground.
My dad's a binman
My dad's a road sweeper
My dad's a lawyer
Honest?
No, usual sort
Some Tim Vine one liners, they always make me chuckle...
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”
“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”
“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”
“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”
“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”
“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”
“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”
“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'”
“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
"Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'”
“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”
“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”
“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
“Velcro? What a rip-off!”
“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”
“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”
“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”
“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”
“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
Today marks the start of National Dihorrea Awareness Week. It runs till next Saturday.
On International Women's Day I posted a particularly sexist joke online. Someone gave the Feminist Society my home address but luckily none of them can read a map.
I sat my semaphore exam today. Passed with flying colours.
Where’s the filthiest place in the house? Not the toilet or the kitchen. It’s the hard drive.
Fella walks to the bar and order three pints of bitter, two pints of lager, two bags of crisps and a bowl of nuts.
Barman says "would you like a tray?"
Fella says "do you not think I've got enough to carry?"
This might make me sound big headed, but I can’t get my sweater on.
And with deepest regards to Cougar, who I got this from:
I used to be in a reggae band, I played the triangle. I'd stand at the back an' ting.
Hmmm, you've got jelly in one ear, custard in the other. You might be a trifle deaf.
My shop is next door to a locksmiths, they can open but I can't.
Apparently they are key workers.
This joke I told to Tim Vine when he came into my shop...
I lost my voice for a week
You didn't hear me moaning about it though.
Ive been going out with this girl who works at the zoo - she's a keeper!
An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar.
But the Englishman wanted to leave so everybody had to.
Minting of a 50p coin commemorating Brexit has been delayed.
They can't decide what to do about the border.
tried explaining to my 4yr old lad that its perfectly normal to shit your pants - but he still takes the piss out of me!
The was a kidnapping at my daughters school yesterday!!!
its ok though - he woke up eventually.
Man walks into a bar
SQUISH - it was a Mars bar.
I've just fixed the horn on the local Scout groups minibus.
Beep repaired.
Amazing, I've just been given six cricket balls for my birthday.
Bowled over
What do the films Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people
But what you really need is Peter Beardsley's joke book from Athletic Mince (ideally read by Bob Mortimer):
I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.
I told me wife I got a job at the bowling alley. Ten pin she said. No it’s a permanent post I replied.
I went to the doctors and said I’ve got a problem, I always have a dump every morning at 6 o’clock. He said what’s the problem with that. I said I don’t get up until 8:30
This recruitment consultant asked me what do you think of voluntary work. I said I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.
A clown turned up for work late on his first day and he got sacked from the circus. He’s suing for funfair dismissal.
Episode 61 I went to the doctor the other day and he said you’ve got hypochondria. I said oh god not that as well
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
My arse was really sore after a curry. The wife said ring sting. I said why what will he be able to do?
Episode 67 A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how do your trousers fit? Like a glove
I said to the doctor people keep taking the mick out of me because I think I’m a cricket ball. The doctor says how’s that? I said don’t you ****ing start.
Some Tim Vine one liners, they always make me chuckle…
My dad got arrested for stealing roadworks. I couldn't believe it, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I got one of those universal remote controls. I thought, this changes everything!
Man walks into a bar
SQUISH – it was a Mars bar.
A man walks into a pub. Clang! It was an iron pub.
I almost had a Psychic girlfriend,but she left me before we met.
I almost had a Psychic girlfriend,but she left me before we met.
The winner!
A local farm has had a fence vandalised between two empty fields. The farmer said he won't be losing any sheep over it.
A clown held a door open for me yesterday. That was a nice jester.
I met a drag queen from Greater Manchester today. He had a Wigan address...
Just spent 300 quid on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. I can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Customer: "Have you got that new book about small penises?"
Librarian: "I don't think it's in yet."
Customer: "That's the one!"
What do you call a Scotsman with one foot inside his front door?
Hamish.
How do you get two whales in a Volkswagen Beetle?
Drive west from Bristol.
I can only sleep when lying on stacks of magazines. I've got back issues.
If Spider-Man didn't have all that Web stuff going on, would he just be Peter Parkour?
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand
I am not Catholic,but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Jesus. Some of these are so terrible they are perfect!
Thanks everyone, keep 'em coming!
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
I sat my semaphore exam today. Passed with flying colours.
My father was a morse code operator just like his father before him
He di-dit because his da-da di-dit.
White Horse walks into a pub. Barman says “Did you know there was a whisky named after you?”
The Horse replied “What? Eric?
^^
The barman says, "we don't get many talking horses in here you know."
The horse replies, "I'm not surprised at five quid a pint."
I'm not looking forward to my next haircut. I'm off to a new Jamaican barbers.
I'm dreading it.
Why do you never see bears hiding in the woods?
Because they're really good at it.
Keep them coming. 🤣🤣🤣
I went shopping for camouflage trousers. Couldn't find any.
When I met my girlfriend she was wearing a bright top and big gloves. I knew she was a keeper.
Told the Mrs the guy 2 doors down died. She said “Who? Ray?”
No need for that attitude love, he just passed away!
A Catholic Priest, a Muslim Imam, and a Jewish Rabbit go to give blood.
The nurse says "Have you ever given blood before?"
The Rabbit says "No, but I think I'm a Type O"
I've joined the local Autopsy Society, really looking forward to this evening. It's Open Mike Night
If you’ve never tried blindfolded Archery, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Deaf sheepdogs; they're hard to come by.
I bought a book today called "Overcoming Kleptomania".
Well, I say bought...
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers.
"I wanna be Vivaldi," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked...
Whilst driving along the other day, I thought I saw Irish pop legend Van Morrison in my rearview mirror. What a fool I felt when I remembered that things appear reversed in mirrors.
It was actually a Morrison's van
Orion’s Belt is a waist of space.
I know - it’s not a great joke. Only three stars.
My wife gave me an envelope marked “not to be opened until 2023”.
Inside was a list of reasons why I can’t be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?
I spent an hour this evening at my wife's' grave. Bless her. She thinks i'm digging a pond.
Watching Australian Bake Off last night, and the audience were all clapping as the contestants made meringues...
Which is strange as I thought Aussies normally boo meringue.
Lot of laughs here. Could you push my stool in?
A friend of mine said he hadn't seen me for many months..
I told him i'd had the shits since christmas... but they're back at school now so I should be free...
DrP
Why do you never see bears hiding in the woods?
Because they’re really good at it.
What happens when you cross a brown bear with a grizzly bear?
You get killed and eaten.
My ex wife told me I have 2 major faults... that I never listen..and something else..??
DrP
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg.
I bought a book on addiction. I’ve read it 14 times this week alone.
I read a book about superglue. Couldn't put it down
What’s E.T. short for?
It’s because of his little legs.
"Sorry to learn Piers Morgan has been sacked from GMB. I’ve left him a message of sympathy on my own voicemail."
Some old classics from an old Canadian - not me, Stewart Francis, obvs.
I’ve had loads of jobs. I was a trampoline salesman, off and on.
I was in the park wondering why the frisbee gets bigger the closer it gets, and then it hit me!
Deaf sheepdogs; they’re hard to come by.
Oh, that is good. 👏👏
Why do Husbands die before their Wives.
Because they want too.
Man goes to prison, gets put in a cell with Mike Tyson, when the door gets locked Mike asks "do you want to play Mummy and Daddy?" Man thinks about and says "yes" Mike asks "do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?" Man thinks about it and says "Daddy" Mike says "ok pop over here and give Mummy a blow job"
I applied for a job at a Blacksmiths.
They asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.
I said “No but I once told a donkey to **** off”
Some mornings it just doesn't feel worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
My computer beat me at chess,but it was no match for me at kick boxing .
Another Tim Vine
“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”
Emo Philips finest
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks
One from jerry sadowitz:
'Michael Ryan? He's my hero. He didn't discriminate, he shot everybody.'
Why does no-one ever feel like a left tit? But I'm giving up on rhetorical questions. What's the point?
My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.
The inventor of the sexual innuendo sadly passed away today.
His wife is taking it really hard.
My girlfriend asked me for an innuendo earlier, so I gave her one.
Would that make it an 'innurendo'?
No, that's an Italian suppository.
Emo Philips finest
When I was a child my parents told me "Don't open the cellar door, never open the cellar door!"
But one day I did.
And I saw incredible things. Trees, grass, clouds...
(From memory, should google for the right phrasing)
Bob - My wife went on holiday to the Carribean by herself.
Alan - Jamaica?
Bob - No, she went of her own accord.
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.
A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and asks "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?". The Baker replies "Naw, you are right".
I went to the funeral yesterday of the man who invented the USB connector.
They lowered his coffin into the grave, took it out, turned it round and put it back in.
The undertaker mentioned to me they had a right old game when the writer of the Hokey Kokey died and they struggled getting him into the coffin.
My girlfriend asked me for an innuendo earlier, so I gave her one.
Then a roadie walked past, and gave her one too.
A friend of mine plays in an orchestra and recently, while walking across the concert hall he tripped, fell and managed to hit his head on the timpani, xylophone, cymbals, triangle, snare drum, bass drum, tambourine and maracas.
He'd felt a bit dizzy afterwards and the doctor said he'd probably got a mild percussion.
They lowered his coffin into the grave, took it out, turned it round and put it back in - then realised it was right the first time so took it out turned it round again and put it in for the third time.
FTFY
A cop pulled me over and said “papers”.
I yelled “scissors” and drove off.
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home they where still there.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I just made it.
Boy: “Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home they where still there.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I just made it.
Boy: “Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I know a Polish sound engineer, and a Czech one too.
[strong]Sandwich[/strong] wrote:
Emo Philips finest
I was walking down the street one day when a man nailing tiles on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo..... in morse code
Did you hear about the clumsy vasectomist? He slipped and got the sack.
A clairvoyant dwarf escaped from prison last night. The headline today "Small Medium at Large"
2 blonds walk into a building. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it.
"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?" my late wife asked me last week.
My pal claimed she could predict people’s future by ‘reading’ their tea leaves.
I tried the same thing, but with baked beans.
All that I got was Heinz-sight.