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A man walked into a bar.... and the rest of the joke unfolded with a tedious inevitability.
Bill Bailey
A toothless woodworm walks into a bar and says to the barmaid... " excuse me love, is the bar tender here?"
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape....
I'm not the kind of person to go on and on about the wooden thing to help you go between two fields- its not my style.
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
What's the difference between a soldier and a fireman?
You can't dip a fireman in a boiled egg.
My dog, Minton, just ate all my shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
A tractor drove down the road...
...and turned into a field.
A tractor drove down the road......and turned into a field.
*STW pedant mode*
Isnt that meant to be a magic tractor??
Indeed.
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
ROFL - just read that last one out to MrsZokes, who was very concerned about the guy at the end that he's had such poor medical advice. Bless..... 🙄
Typing [url=
joke[/url] out won't do it justice.
Oh, I just laughed a lot at that Freud one! Nice link silverpigeon 😀
Wife - "you never take me out anywhere expensive!"
Husband - "ok get your coat, we're going out"
Wife - "Where to?"
Husband - "The petrol station"
😆 😳
Whats red and white and lives in a tree?
A sanitary owl
Patient.... "Doctor I think I am going deaf."
Doctor......"Can you describe the symptoms ?"
Patient....."Yes ,Homer has yellow skin and Marge has blue hair.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: "have you any idea how to drive this"?
Two monkeys in a bath, one says:"ooooohhhh, oooooh, aaaaaaahhhh, ahhhh!", the other replies: "well put some more cold water in then!"..
Surgeons have revealed that Wayne Rooney used Colleen's pubic hair for his hair transplant. Apparently the success rate is much higher if it's transplanted directly from one **** to another.
Wunundred! 😀
No joke.
Well, I don't know if it is a joke but [url= http://tinyurl.com/6fwx5nd ]this[/url] is quite funny, but i guess it depends on your point of view.