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The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised
Particle physics gives me a Hadron.
What's the best thing about ***ing 25 year olds? (answer to follow).
....there are 20 of them 🙄
2 cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"
How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill.
Bloke hears a knock on his door at 2 am. Goes down to answer it and it's a fella asking for a push. Sling yer hook mate, he says - it's the middle of the night. Goes back upstairs to bed and tells his wife - she can't believe he's so mean as to not help someone out. Remember that time we broke down in the back of beyond, we'd still be there if someone hadn't given us a push to get the car started, she says.
OK, OK says the man. Gets the dressing gown on and goes downstairs and outside into the night. He says - Where are you mate, I'll give you that push afterall. I'm over here, a voice says, on the swings.
There are 20 of them?
My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work. If anything it’s made him more sluggish.
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
What sits at the end of a bed and takes the pish?
A kidney dialysis machine.
I was out rowing one Sunday when I dropped both oars into the water. AI happened to see another boat in which there was a guy and a couple of girls. i shouted over to him, "Oi mate, can i borrow one of yer oars!". The fella shouted back, "They ain't 'ores! It's me wife and sister!".
Jengledow, THANK YOU! Dad passed away a year ago following a spell of dialysis.. Was feeling a bit sorry for myself. Cant stop crying with laughter. BRILLIANT!! 😆
CM - quality 🙂
Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it's two tyred!
What is white and can't climb trees?
A fridge!
What tyres for these jokes?
World Hide & Seek Championships latest scores:
Osama Bin Laden: 0
Madeline McCann: 1
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One's an Australian marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.
Janet Street Porter walks in to a bar.
"Can I get a large aperitif?"
Barman looks her up and down and says, "I seriously doubt it love"
What's blue and can't sing?
Blue
Bomba made me cry 🙂
Apparently the Irish SAS joined in the US assault the othe weekend. They stormed Debenhams after hearing Summer bed linen was on the third floor!
What's blue and can't sing?
Blue
Proper LOL 😀
I'm over here, a voice says, on the swings.
LOL ! 😀
Bomba made me cry too...
Bomba,i dont get it!
please help, i think im broken.
My favourite joke ever:
A bloke goes to the vet with his budgie, which he fears is dead.
The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. In comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. "I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."
"What?" says the owner. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"
"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."
The only joke I can ever remember........
What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
One makes your day, the other makes your whole(hole) week(weak).
toppers - a large aperitif....
A larger pair of teeth perhaps? 🙄
I'm not sure you did post that in the wrong thread
What do you call a Scotsman that's nearly home? Hamish.
might not have been the wrong thread, but it was not the thread i intended.
whole(hole) week(weak).
if you have to explain it...
I think Hilary S**** would make herself more accessible to men if she changed her forename to Gloria.
BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines
Seems a bit sexist.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
I bought a pair of epileptic trousers last week. They fitted.
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her f**ny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "Just how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught"
Guy with a bad headache walks into a pet shop. He asks if they've any aspirin and the owner replies, "Sorry mate, the parrots eat 'em all".
oooooohhhhhhhhhh. thats v funny. feel a bit stupid now.
Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?
Cos they only go to goblin parties.
What do you get, if you cross a river with a bicycle?
Wet Feet
A man challenged his wife to say something that would make him feel both happy and sad at the same time. His wife replied...
..."You have a bigger willy than your brother."
I mentioned to my girlfriend that I enjoyed a bit of anal stimulation during love-making.
She thought it was a bit weird at first, but in the end, she gave me the thumbs up.
Whats a dwarf got in common with a midget?
Very little!
I took my mate's cat to the Vet in Barnsley. Vet said to me "Is he a Tom?"
I said "No, I've brought him with me"
And if Al can tell the twenty six year old girls one...
Whats the biggest cause of Paedophilia in the UK?
Sexy kids.
What do you call a Scotsman who can't climb trees?
Nicholas.
a gay wizard walked into a bar.
and disapeared with a poof!
Did you know that Benoit B Mandelbrot's middle initial stands for Benoit B Mandelbrot?
What do you call a Scotsman who can't climb trees?
Nicholas
?
lol @ nbt
nbt- niche joke!
Did you know that Benoit B Mandelbrot's middle initial stands for Benoit B Mandelbrot?
What I like most about this joke is that the B doesn't really stand for anything; he doesn't have a middle name, Mandlebrot made it up to make himself sound more grandiose. It's feasible, therefore, that the joke could actually be true.
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
'Cos he kneaded a poo.
What do you call a Scotsman who can't climb trees?
Nicholas
he's wearing a kilt, molgrips
How do you get off with a fat girl?
It's a piece of cake.
Whats a dwarf got in common with a midget?Very little!
My gf has a peculiar skill of miss-remembering jokes and murdering them in the re-telling, in this instance:
"Whats a dwarf got in common with a midget?
Not much."
Nobody told me that Imogen Thomas was a talented musician?
Apparantly shes being doing giggs around Manchester for the past eight months.
*waits to see LHS banned*
what's brown and sticky?.. a stick.
*waits to see LHS banned*
You'll be waiting a long time!
How did the Fairy get pregnant?
Sat on a Toadstool
She was the admiral's daughter, and her naval base was always full of discharged seamen.
Hear about the agoraphobic homosexual? He came out, then went back in again.
She was only the fishmongers daughter, but she'd lay on the slab and yell 'fillet'
Whats the difference between an EGG and a W**K?
You cant beat a W**K!
The police phone Paddy to give him some bad news. "Paddy, we've just been round your house and you've been burgled. They took all your beer and raped your wife." To which Paddy says, "I can't believe they shagged her after just four cans."
(Use your racial/demographic stereotype of choice, I'm just repeating the bloke in the pub.)
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DAVID Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman:
"I want you to call me David Hoff".
The barman replies:
"Sure thing Dave... no hassle."
'Early reports that Michael Jackson was in the cardiac ward suffering from a heart attack were found to be false, when he was actually discovered in the childrens ward having a stroke'
'Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy'
It was inevitable that Michael Jackson was going to find a way out of playing his London concerts. he lost interest as soon as he found out that Boys2Men was the support act and not a delivery service.
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In archives.
Heisenburg was driving down the motorway when he was stopped by a policeman. "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am."
Bez, thats a cracker!! 🙂
How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?...
None, it's a hardware problem.
This one only works with a Scottish accent... What do you call a bear without a paw?
Rupert the bastard.
Heisenburg was driving down the motorway when he was stopped by a policeman. "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am."
As he set off a black cat ran out across the road. "Did I hit it? Is is dead?" he asked his passenger
"I can't be certain" replied Schrödinger.
How many graphic designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
F*** off, I'm not changing anything.
She was only a Pilots daughter but she kept her cockpit busy.
She was only a pidgeon-fancyer's duaghter but she'd seen a Cockatoo.
Young woman goes to see her chinese doctor about a problem she has. She tells him that she is successful, has a good job, her own house and car and has wide circle of friends but she says she cant get a date and tells him her sex life is nil.
He asks her to take her clothes off so he can examine her. He walks round looking at her carefully and finally asks her to bend over. As she does so he looks intently at her behind. Finally he asks her to get dressed and tells her he has diagnosed her problem.
"You have xackery disease" says the doctor.
The woman had never heard of it so asks him what it is.
"Problem is face look exackery like arse"
Only in America could a poor black boy become a rich white woman.
There was this Irishman and he did something really stupid because he's Irish and they're all really thick, like...
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called american football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
A peado was walking in the spooky forest when he discovers a little boy crying by the lake..
'what's the matter little boy..?' he enquires..
'I was walking in the spooky forest with my family when our dog fell through the ice on the lake.. so my sister tried to rescue him and she fell through the ice too.. and then my mummy and daddy tried to rescue her and they fell through the ice and now they've all drowned and they're dead.. and I'm scared cos it's so spooky..' sobbed the little boy..
'huh..' replied the peado.. unzipping his flies..
'you think [i]you've[/i] got problems.. I'm gonna have walk back through the forest on my own in a bit..'
My neighbour called at my door at 2.30am this moring, can you believe that, 2.30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
I'll get my coat.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
- The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
- The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
- The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside."