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A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop.” He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
Tumbleweed
A joke you say?
Oooh, great. Come on then, let's be having it.
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Well I LOLed
I liked it 🙂
i chuckled
Hahaha.
Very good.
I liked that! 🙂
😆
Did something similar on a date once.
Her - Where are we eating?
Me - You know the <insert rather nice restaurant here>?
Her - Yes
Me - Well that McDonalds just round the corner.
Smirked out loud.
ask for a refund if that came out of your xmas cracker...
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"
jeremy beadle has a tiny penis......but on the other hand it looks quite big
Two pieces of tarmac walk into a pub, one red and one black.
Bar man suddenly looks incredulous and shouts to the red one; " get out you, you're barred!" So the red tarmac turns around and leaves the pub. The black tarmac orders his pint, and while the barman serves him, asks "why did you kick him out then?".
The barman looks up and responds, "don't you know? He's a cyclepath!"
More tumbleweed?
A termite walks into a pub.. looks around and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
give it a rest flashy,any one would think you don`t like Mr woppit 😐
Corporal Hashfart, earlier ;
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Amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the barman ...
"Do I come here often"
Sod the joke,that blue muppet thing up there ^^^^^ is freaking me out.
any one would think you don`t like Mr woppit
Far from it! Just thought the original joke was a bit, well, a bit meh.
Thread's picked up since, though!
Oh, and for sparkyrhino...
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Way up north in Canada, a trucker spots a guy stopped by the side of the road, tinkering under his bonnet. He stops, comes over and peers into the engine bay.
"Ah, you've blown a seal"
"No", says the guy, "it's just frost on my mustache."
IGMC - the warm one
I was in B and Q the other day and this bloke asked if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in...
Amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the barman ...
"Do I come here often"
that blue muppet thing
A little part of my childhood died when you said that.
I've just seen the doctor about my weight. He told me, "don't eat anything fatty."
I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"
He replied, "No; fatty, don't eat anything."
Venetian blinds have saved humanity.
Without them it would have been curtains for us all.
I was clearing out the store room at work the other day and found a huge roll of bubble-wrap.
I asked my boss what to do with it and he said "Just pop it in the corner."
Took me four hours.
I've got a new job, playing the triangle in a reggae band.
It's dead easy. I just stand at the back and ting...
I was hit in the head last night with a bottle of Omega 3 tablets.
Fortunately, I only sustained super fish oil injuries.
A woman stopped me on the street and said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.
I've not been keeping up with her career, so I've decided to watch all of Sandra Bullock's films from the beginning to the present day.
I've been doing well, I'm almost up to Speed.
Cougar. Please. Stop. 😛
Please, you're making the baby Jesus cry!!
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
"I know", said the doctor, "I've cut off your arms!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a canoe were cold, so they lit a fire. It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd have thought that at least one of them would have seen it
Bloke comes home and finds his wife crying with laughter.
He says: "What happened?"
She says: "I've won the lottery. Pack your bags!"
He says: "Great, where are we going?" so she says "What do you mean, we?"
was working in a library once when a bloke walked in and cut the bottom off his trouser leg and through on top of the shelf. I thought, there's a turn up for the books.
I was telling my Italian colleague about an injury my wife recently picked up whilst climbing a volcano
"Krakatoa?" he said
"No," I replied, "she only sprained her ankle"
I went into our local library and said to the librarian, IS IT OK IF I SURF PORN AND MASTURBATE?,
she replied, young man this is a library,
sorry i whispered, is it ok if i surf porn and masturbate?
A man walks into a pub
*clang*
It was a iron pub.
An old one, and can't remember where it came from, but it bears repeating....
Janet Street-Porter walks in to a bar and says to the barman, "Could I have a large aperitif?"
Barman replies, "I very much doubt it, love!"
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows? Seems they've really been making headlines...
Along similar lines to robgclarkson
My wife went to Indonesia
Jakarta?
No she went on a plane.
I went into a Chinese restrant and asked if they did take away, yes he said 3 from 5 is 2
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Light work day Cougar? 😀
I woke up on the settee the other day with books all over my head. I've only my shelf to blame.
I got out of the car the other day in the car park and fell over a book. Then I noticed that there were thousands of them - all novels! It was a multi story car park.
CaptainFlashheart - Member
An old one,
Yes, isn't it.
For our work's Christmas do this year, instead of turkey we're having badger.
It's going to be the main course of a sett menu.
So why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Sorry.
I was driving home the other day when my boss phoned me up and told me I've been promoted to director. i was so surprised i swerved over to the side of the motorway. then he phoned again and told me I'd been promoted to senior director. i swerved to the other side of the motorway. Then he phoned again and told me I'd been made managing director. i was so surprised I swerved down the embankment and into a field.
I'd careered off the road.
What do you call a man with two birds of prey on his head, doing the vacuuming at night with the lights turned off?
Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in the Dark.
The other day, I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
maccruiskeen - Member
A man walks into a pub*clang*
It was a iron pub.
why am i laughing at that!?!?! 😆
Nice little offer on Amazon- if you buy all of Adam and the Ants sheet music they will throw in a stand and deliver.
I've laughed most at CFH's opening gambit, marvellous!
Police have arrested two boys, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fireworks. They've charged one and let the other off!
Priest walks into a hotel and after booking a room asks " is the porn channel in my room disabled ?"
Receptionist says " no it's normal porn you sick ****! "
Ripped off a mate on facebook.
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.
So I was eating this chess board but it was disgusting. I took it back to the shop and said to the bloke, 'this is stale mate.'
He said 'are you sure?' I said 'check mate'
A skeleton goes into a pub & says to the barman, 'can I have a pint of lager & a mop?'
Amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the barman ...
"Do I come here often"
BNAG!
That's bang out out of order.
Amnesiac walks into a bar
*clang*
It was an iron bar.
again
Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A programmer's wife sends him to the store and says "get some bread, and while you're there pick up some eggs" The programmer never came back.