IVF Content

Been there. Yes it's a rollercoaster. I'm afraid for us it was be supportive and understanding. Yes your life is on hold. I'm sorry to say the actual process is pretty tough for both.

Good luck, I hope you are successful.

@onehundredthidiot - Absolutely, I don't want to come across as if this isn't something we will be putting all of our energy into. Many thanks.

It is absolutely exhausting mentally and physically for you both - takes a large toll. Only you can decide how open you want to be - I was more than my wife and had some awesome support from friends and work colleagues.

Why stay off the bike? if it is a significant stress relief then it has a place in the process too - allowing you to feel the relief and having the bandwidth to support your partner. Even starting talking here should help, as it is treated so secretly sometimes that is a massive stressor. Ultimately nobody else's opinion/ choices except you two is the right one for you, it's easy look at others decisions and outcomes and question your path - try not do that as can lead down negative path.

I am more than happy to have a chat - here, phone, message if you ever want/ need it. If anywhere near North East happy to meet up to chat/ for venting. We had to go private and had multiple cycles so feel free to ask any questions.

And yes, here is amazing for support.

Just want to say that it you sound like a great guy wanting to do the best for your other half, and I wish you all the best with it.

Remember that you can't help others if you haven't helped yourself. A half hour on the bike may not seem "worth it" but don't dismiss it if bikes are your therapy.

Nothing useful to add from a personal perspective but have had a lot of friends go through this. Even if you were to be unsuccessful, it is not the end of your "journey" as a couple, or to becoming a family.

@northshoreniall - Thank you very much for that - I may take you up on your offer of a chat at some point or at least just vent a bit more, nice to be in touch.

It is a funny thing to keep secret, I think for my wife especially it feels like there is a bit of a stigma attached when all of her friends with kids have conceived naturally. But on the other hand, it is private and invasive and perhaps we want to just put a brave face on. My work is good about it, but I think it's quite hard to get it across to them that as well as being great news and a quick op with a turkey baster, it's many weeks of very hard going.

Re: the bike - doctors orders really. As I understand it, it is a very tenuous link between sitting on a saddle for ages and sperm quality. However my counts have been up and down in my samples, and the doctor framed it as "This is one of the biggest things you'll ever do, and hopefully it won't be for long" - so I just want to maximise chances. It sucks, but I am convincing myself that running is fun, ever so slowly! Tell you what, walking up mountains without a bike on your bike is an amazing feeling...just coming down isn't as good.

Yes been there.

I was in a pretty stressful role at the time restructuring a dept and all the fun that comes with that, whilst also trying to keep my fitness at a high level and racing various events.  Oh and we got burgled and cleaned out.  Oh and we moved house to an old build and found loads of horrors.....

I know it is bad for the woman, but don't underestimate the impact on yourself.  I bascially ended up burnt out and messed up....seem to have permanently given myself IBS / problems sleeping etc... .so don't just try and crack on with stuff and ignore any warning signs

On the plus side, IVF boy#1 has just turned 9, and boy#2 was natural, literally first go..... they are mostly brilliant.  I really wanted a third but wife was 100% no chance!

Wife seemed to really rate pregnacy accupunture

Good luck, focus on the outcome you want

Almost 16 years ago since we went through it (same as you, IVF with ICSI) and yes it can be stressful, but try to focus on the end goal and not the process. You are very fortunate to be getting the full three cycles on the NHS (we lost out due to 'postcode lottery' as our Trust provided no support at all so we had to go private).

But, as has been said - why stay off the bike? As long as you can provide a few viable sperm per cycle (pardon the pun), I can't see how staying off the bike will really help. It certainly wasn't advice I was given, although I do recall driving (I had a long commute at the time) with air vents blowing cold air on my nuts and other such things to improve sperm quality.

Another thing – do whatever you both believe may work - we did acupuncture as my wife believed it would work. I thought it was a load of bollocks, but I kept my mouth shut and went through with it so my wife saw that I was as equally invested as she was in making it work.

And neither of you should feel that it's embarrassing and something you can't talk about – infertility is a thing that affects something like 20% of couples (IIRC, I haven't checked those figures) and much of it is down to environmental issues (especially effecting sperm quality). If it helps, I shouldered all the 'blame' (ie, it was my sperm low mobility that caused the issue) and everyone knew that so my wife didn't have to shoulder any additional feelings of not being as good at making babies as her friends.

Finally (I think, I am going on a bit), even if either or both of you have fertility issues, it isn't always definitive that you won't conceive naturally – I know of three close friends that went through IVF with and without success who then went on to conceive naturally.

Good luck and fingers crossed for you that it all works out. As others, I would be happy to share more if you want.

We went through four years of IVF and it never bastard worked.

She is now hell bent on adoption and I am, it's fair to say, not - so it's probably the end of our relationship.

It was really intense, the first treatment where they harvest the eggs, they over stimulated my OH and she spent 3 weeks in ICU where they didn't know how to get the hormones back to acceptable levels.

We weren't successful will all 26 eggs they harvested, we never tried again

I think your doc is winging it re: biking - unfortunately a lot of fertility medicine is of the trial and error and heavily has anecdotal advice on exercise, meds, coffee, anything. Edit - we did really work on eating well, increased protein, prioritise sleep and general exercise to try optimise. The impact could be seen on swimmers, even 1 time I needed antibiotics for dental abscess knocked them off temporarily.

It's really frustrating, we both work in healthcare and found it so frustrating - especially as you are so caught up in it all that you are afraid to disagree just in case it's that one thing that maybe makes the difference.

I went to one of the fertility shows, wife was working so couldn't, and found some of the talks really helpful - some experts were not happy with the industry and the add-ons and random shit they recommended as added cost and strain.

Also agree with above re: don't underestimate toll on you - which can be hard for a partner full to the gills with extra hormones/ injections/ investigations to appreciate. It's a real rollercoaster ride.

I do kind of get the feeling that there is some winging it going on with the biking advice. However, it is not for too long (been two weeks, just another two weeks until it works or it doesn't). So in this instance I am keen to follow it just in case it is the last 0.5%...but as you say it is probably very extra-cautionary. I am still bike commuting, and to be quite honest would be happy to do some "push up, ride down" MTB rides.

Luckily my wife is very on it with noticing my mood changes etc, and is in a very "We are in it together" mindset whatever happens. So I have that on my side.

It is quite good to hear some more "real life" stuff from you all. A lot of what we get on various social media algorithms is all very idealised and curated about the whole topic. A slightly different experience when you are holding a bag of frozen peas against your partners stomach at 7am to numb it before shakily jagging a needle in there!

Yes, I went through this four times with my ex-wife. It was a very, very difficult time for us both with both the hormones and the pregnancies that followed and, ultimately, we were not able to overcome things and divorced.

How did we cope at the time? I don't know. I tried to be as supportive as I could be (small things like washing up helped), but the hormones that were raging through her system often meant arguments with tiny triggers and a lot of the time that meant me accepting the grief. I had work to help me with some space (but that is _not_ a solution) and I had the TA as another breather (but that is _not_ a solution).

Honestly, I recommend finding a good counsellor, potentially one for both of you together, potentially one for each separately. Talking to someone that is objective can help; IVF is terribly, terribly hard on both a body and a mind.

I really, really hope that you have success!

But, as has been said – why stay off the bike? As long as you can provide a few viable sperm per cycle (pardon the pun), I can’t see how staying off the bike will really help. It certainly wasn’t advice I was given,

I think you've answered your own question:

Another thing – do whatever you both believe may work – we did acupuncture ....I thought it was a load of bollocks, but I kept my mouth shut and went through with it so my wife saw that I was as equally invested as she was in making it work.

Speed is your friend for injections, as a nurse who has done thousands,  and did most of my wife's too. Its mildly terrifying for most, especially as you don't really get taught/ practice as a civilian undergoing this.

Watch out for rose tinted specs on media/ forums too, as loads forget the hard bits if they have succeeded.

I don't have experience of IVF, but my partner and I weren't able to have kids naturally, and then had a fairly bruising couple of years jumping through hoops for adoption. We decided not to adopt in the end, after getting approved. We're perfectly happy now without children.

So my advice to OP and partner is: don't stake all your hopes and dreams on IVF working. Children aren't everything. Very many people have a great and happy life without them. I think having children (or not) can be seen as a zero-sum game - but it's just one of those twists and turns that make all our lives different.

I understand how important this will feel to the OP now, but it might be worth both of you trying to picture a future without children (including all the positives - like having much more money and time to do what you want with your spare time, career) so that if the IVF doesn't work it doesn't feel like falling off a cliff, but more like taking a different fork in the road (sorry for the mixed metaphor).

Good luck, SIL and her partner have been on a rollercoaster with this over the last year or so, ended up recently going to a Czech republic clinic for effectively last chance and is now ~6 weeks pregnant.

@snowy1 - Absolutely. We have discussed and are aware that the chances of IVF are usually less than 50%. Having kids is something OH has always wanted, I was a little slower to get off the fence, just in the past 5 years or so, but after some family stuff happened a while back it is now something I am just as enthusiastic for.

However, we both think that if it doesn't work then we will be able to come out the other side. We are attending counselling as a couple and on our first one the woman started crying because she said she doesn't see many couples as strong as us haha. I thought that was a bit hammy myself (internally) but there you go...

It's not something we are focusing on at the moment, but we both know we will have to add that extra meaning somehow if kids don't come along. We've all but ruled out adoption, and paying privately as well if our 3 goes don't work. But - you never know what will happen and how we will feel at that stage!

If anything, there might be regrets that we started quite late (relatively in NHS terms, we are both mid-30s). But that was a mutual decision and we don't blame each other...and have had the opportunity to do some cool things we may not have been able to do otherwise.

It is a funny thing to keep secret, I think for my wife especially it feels like there is a bit of a stigma attached when all of her friends with kids have conceived naturally. But on the other hand, it is private and invasive and perhaps we want to just put a brave face on.

This is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy - if everyone assumes it's private and puts a brave face on, no one talks, you feel like you're the only ones who have an issue, you feel stigma as the odd ones out. If you do share, you might find a few of those friends who you thought had no problems didn't find it as easy as you thought. You might find that you being open helps you and your wife process things, helps others share and and is a little step to reducing the stigma overall.

But some people prefer not to share, and that's fine too.

Luckily my wife is very on it with noticing my mood changes etc, and is in a very “We are in it together” mindset whatever happens. So I have that on my side.

That sounds like a bloody brilliant, bloody important thing to have on your side! As well as the NHS support. Didn't find out until after we moved that if we'd bought the other house we looked at on the other side of the stream, we'd be in a different care trust with no support at all. Don't see that mentioned on Rightmove info!

MrsRNP and I are perhaps the other side of the coin. MrsRNP was absolutely 100% put on this planet to be a mother but was devastated when early onset menopause meant that was not going to easily if at all happen.

IVF was an option but we decided not to because of mainly her mental state at the time. Counseling helped what was in effect grieving and now in the distance from that period of our lives things are great. No children and we didn't adopt but the lack of financial burden has allowed MrsRNP to persue philanthropy avenues which she loves doing.

And I got a dog instead!

Good luck, if you decide to stop IVF or it doesn't work - life is still good afterwards it's just that you'll go a different route.

I think you’ve answered your own question:

Yeah probably – I am by no means perfect (in many ways).

Another note – when we went through it all, and on finding our particular Trust had no provision for IVF, we decided to go public with it and ended up doing a few newspaper and radio interviews on the subject of the availability (or not) depending on where you live. I think that distracted us a bit from what we were actually going through ourselves.

It was particularly frustrating as we opted to have our private treatment done at Leeds General Infirmary as they had the highest success rate locally at the time – we queued up with a load of people getting their meds and paying just the standard prescription fee but when it came to us (because we live in North Yorkshire, not West), we had to write out a cheque for almost £1,000 (that was just for the meds).

Its tough, and hard work for your partner / wife, and at times you will feel like throwing it all in and quitting, but keep perservering. We nearly quite and glad we didn't as it worked out for us.

Sadly though it doesn't always work out, despite all your best intentions.

Thanks for all the replies everyone - it is helpful to read about both good and bad outcomes to be quite honest. It is very much appreciated.

I also had no idea that the support offered varied so much between trusts. Someone having to pay from being the other side of a dual carriageway is pretty nuts to think about. Feel very lucky to have the support of the NHS in our case. If something goes wrong and a cycle has to be cancelled before implantation that doesn't even count towards our 3 x funded cycles.

I also had no idea that the support offered varied so much between trusts. Someone having to pay from being the other side of a dual carriageway is pretty nuts to think about. Feel very lucky to have the support of the NHS in our case. If something goes wrong and a cycle has to be cancelled before implantation that doesn’t even count towards our 3 x funded cycles.

Yeah, it's something that has been brushed under the collective NHS carpet for some time. NICE recommends that every Trust should provide three cycles to any eligible party but unfortunately they cannot enforce it and some Trusts choose to offer fewer than three or, in some cases, none at all. In our local Trust the eligibility criteria is (IIRC) that both parties must have no children (either from their or any other previous relationships) and the female party has to be between 39.5 and 40 years old (a six month window) – which is particularly silly as, at that age, her fertility will be lower anyway and the chance of success will be reduced. 16 years later, I still feel very mad about it all.

So my advice to OP and partner is: don’t stake all your hopes and dreams on IVF working. Children aren’t everything. Very many people have a great and happy life without them. I think having children (or not) can be seen as a zero-sum game – but it’s just one of those twists and turns that make all our lives different.

Lots of this, too. IVF is bloody hard, but every "success", every milestone is another door to more stuff that's bloody hard - my wife miscarried our 1st "successful" IVF round (there's another load of felt stigma/ sharing/not sharing on that topic), stress of scans, is the baby healthy "normal", what do you do if it's not, is it developing well, is your wife healthy though pregnancy - childbirth (more stigma of doing it "well" sharing /not sharing of difficulties) early months/years of sleepless nights, health/development concerns, mental health/development concerns. And cost. Private IVF is costly, but it's a 6 month's of nursery fees for our two round here.

The thing that's especially difficult about IVF, though, is the existential angst about whether you're going to be a parent to kids for the rest of your life, or you're not. Which comes back to snowy's point above- there's a lot of great ways to live a life, and being a parent isn't the be-all and end-all.

Funding is a massive issue - Prof Winston has commented many times on how it is artificially high and doesn't need to be, meaning more people could have access.

We went to both Spain and Greece for cycles. Medications were mad expensive here, luckily ended up using an Outpatients pharmacy in local hospital who kindly didn't take the piss with costs.

We had our first child through IVF (ICSI) and totally agree with the others in that it was a total emotional rollercoaster. For us the disappointment every month from trying had kind of pushed us to almost giving up entirely - we went into IVF with little to no expectations but amazingly were successful on our first go. I was obviously over the moon but going from basically accepting it wasn't going to happen to 'holy sh*t I'm going to be a dad' was hard going emotionally. Being there for each other is the best thing you can do and its clear you're both really supportive of one another. If it doesn't work then your life will go down another path and will likely be a positive one given the support you both have for each other.

Best of luck!

Being through this one, it's tough but if it works it's a superb thing. Daughter now coming to 5yrs. Luckily you have 3 goes via NHS ours was only 1 so added some pressure. We had some counselling which helped us both through the mental challenge. I personally gave up coffee, reduced MTB, showers only no hot baths and tried all sorts of things to help my count. I had acupuncture which may have helped me, who knows if it actually helped but it definitely helped with the mental side, gave me the reassurance i was trying. We never got an answer on what may have prevented us naturally and we found the process pre IVF quite stressful.

Lots of talking with each other helped us through it plus a few close friends to just talk, not really details just basics which helped with the mental load as well.

Good luck

Add me to the 'been there done that' list. We had two goes available on the NHS, and were fortunate enough that the first was enough for our first daughter (now 5). We then used one of the frozen embryos privately for our second daughter (coming up to 2), and put a pin in it there.

I'm sure my memory has faded for a lot of the challenges now, but one of the comments above about the mental approach resonated with me. This is something which is both highly stressful and not 100% certain to succeed, so I think it's really important to ensure that if all doesn't go as you hoped then you have no regrets or anything you can't beat yourself up about after the fact. If that means staying off the bike and the coffee so that you don't regret things maybe being different if you hadn't gone on that one bike ride, then such is life. It also shows solidarity with your partner.

For us, I also think it's really important to set boundaries or limits. You can obviously spend a lot of time, money, and emotional capital here if this doesn't come to pass as you hope it will. With our second, we had two embryos left and said that we would pay privately to try them both and if that didn't work, we would leave it there. Again as has been noted above, people live highly fulfilling childfree lives even if that wasn't the original plan.

I guess in short, while I'm hoping for the best for you and yours, do everything you can to set yourself up emotionally for what might come afterwards.

We then used one of the frozen embryos privately for our second daughter

We didn't even have the opportunity to freeze any embryos – we had two fertilised eggs and they said that one of them was quite weak and not worth trying to freeze (which was going to be our preferred option) so we may as well pop it in and my wife got pregnant. We were then told at our 12 week scan that one of the fetuses was quite week and to be prepared that it probably wouldn't go full term (obviously we have no idea if it was the same egg). Fortunately they both went full term and we now have two beautiful 15 year old girls.

Edit – just looking at current stats – when we went through it, success rates were circa. 25% for a woman of my wife's age. They have increased to over 40% now. Wow – that is some increase over 15 years.

We didn’t even have the opportunity to freeze any embryos

It wasn't our plan, but we had to delay implantation by a month or so for reasons I forget but I think related to a vaccination my other half didn't apparently have. Or something.

We had 1 x level 5 and 2 x level 3s as I recall. Not that you can tell a difference between the level 5 and the level 3 now that they're running around and causing trouble!

Our ICSI twins are also running around and causing trouble (they're 21 now).

We were fortunate in a lot of ways, both in the sense that we hadn't had years of failing to conceive in the run-up to it, as we knew IVF would be required for a family. And also that we got lucky first cycle.

I think our mindset was that we were equally prepared for failure as for success, and we made parallel plans so we had stuff to look forward to if the treatments hadn't been successful, rather than put all our emotional eggs in one basket, as it were.

Good luck - and don't fall into the trap of thinking that if it doesn't work, it was something you did or didn't do. It's as random as the real thing in the end.

She is now hell bent on adoption and I am, it’s fair to say, not –

Really personal question, but why?

Massive respect for those that do adopt given there are lots of kids out there in need of a home.

Massive respect for those that do adopt given there are lots of kids out there in need of a home.

Adoption is one pathway, another is fostering – and there are way, way more kids in need of foster homes than adoption.

Massive respect for those that do foster

Really personal question, but why?

Not at all, thanks for asking. I too have big respect for those that adopt and foster. There's a lot of factors that make it different to, and potentially harder than, parenting your own child.

In the UK, it's not like the 70s and before when children were regularly taken from birth mothers for no other reason than they weren't married.

Nowadays, the courts view removing someones' parental rights as up there with the most serious impingements of human rights that exist - akin to life sentence without parole. We also have free and comparatively easy access to abortions in the UK.

In practice, this means the vast majority of children in need of adoption will have been either removed from their parents under duress, because social workers have deemed the child to be in material danger (e.g. due to domestic abuse, sexual abuse or neglect), and/or because the mother is too affected by substance abuse and/or mental illness to care for her child. That brings with it not only the massive trauma of being removed from your birth mother, but also often foetal alcohol development syndrome, neonatal abstinence syndrome (=opiate withdrawal in newborns), impacts of malnutrition and elevated cortisol during pregnancy, etc etc.

It's a lottery whether any of these issues affect the child, but statistics indicate they often do. I have recently undertaken the pre-adoption training offered by my local authority, which had a variety of opportunities to speak to adoptive parents. Two had good experiences, one said it had "in a way, ruined her life", another told stories about locking herself in the bathroom to hide from her five-year old son because she was tired of him hitting her, one talked frankly about how they weren't sure if they actually loved their adopted child.

You're also signing up for ongoing engagement with the birth family, often mandated by court order (usually via letters , but could be meeting grandparents or parents themselves), with social workers, and maybe difficult conversations with schools on topics like "why did your child have a meltdown in today's exercise about family trees/making mother's day cards?".

So yeah - huge respect for people that do it, but it's not for everyone.

IVF failure here. I will spare you the (many) details but we gave up because of the hormonal impact, not the financial - the %ages were always against us.

My one bit of advice is that the clinics do free counselling - use it.

Be kind to each other & good luck.

+1 to @finbar too:

So yeah – huge respect for people that do it, but it’s not for everyone.

@finbar - many are relinquished also for reasons as basic as they aren't ready to be able to support a child. So with less risk of some things you describe,  but still have trauma of being given up to process as they age.

Having done IVF and being mid adoption currently,  I would say the latter is multitudes harder and taken a massive toll edit - removed bit of information as probably overshare.

Ours has been so stressful, intrusive, promised support being non-existent and concerns been repeatedly minimise/ dismissed by the self-titled 'professionals' - bitter much? Hell yes, not to derail thread but ours should have been straightforward process as he's a family member and it's been anything but - I could go on but won't. But I know we are not unique here. So I would actively advise it needs massive and realistic research before commitment.

I wish you all the luck in the world @northshoreniall. I can empathise with the stressful and intrusive nature of the process, and I've only got as far as pre-approval training.

My local authority - which is a metropolitan area of almost a million people - only did 17 adoptions in 2018, and 16 the year before. They wouldn't share a more recent figure, but said it had gone even lower during covid.

I was blown away by that; I suspect the number is so low, in part, because the process is so hard and takes so long that a lot of children get older than most adoptive parents are looking for, so wind up in care instead.

@jimdoubleyou - thank you for your best wishes and sorry to read that it did not work out for you, I hope that the time was not too hard on you. It is good to read that for me in a weird way, it does keep things realistic.

Re: Counselling, yes we are taking advantage of that and have had 2 of our sessions already. It was actually really helpful when we went...though the various nurses at the clinic have all had a kind of counsellor sort of vibe to them as well. Everyone is so lovely.

One of them told me that the majority of the staff that work there do so because they have been through the same thing, and it shows with their empathy and manner.

Alongside all the hard, stressful parts - we are finding the process quite interesting and engaging as well...just learning about how everything works a bit more closely.

@finbar  - Whiskey would be of more benefit 🙂

Those stats don't surprise unfortunately.

We went through it with ICSI about 16 years ago, long waiting list in west yorks meant we went private first time, which didn't work, although I do have fond memories of being w@nked off in a small room by my GF whilst she was off her face on Tramadol. Second attempt on the NHS was successful but no handjob that time.

Massively stressful experience & very easy to get hung up focussing on the difficulty that some face with trying to conceive whereas others pop 'em out seemingly at will. Hope it all goes well for you.

we went private first time, which didn’t work, although I do have fond memories of being w@nked off in a small room

I was about to say that our private experience didn't include that service then I read by my GF.

Ahhhh!

Didn't realise that kind of 'assistance' was a thing anywhere. What's wrong with being sent to a bleak cubicle with a chair and a selection of publications from the mid 80s that you wouldn't want to touch without gloves?

We've been through it and are very fortunate to have our son as a result, after 1 round followed by a 2nd frozen transfer round.

Nothing prepared me or my wife for the process and how 'hard' it was. From the never ending appointments, to over stimulation and my wife getting to a seriously ill state during the whole process.

Stick with it. Hopefully the hard work will result in a positive outcome for you.

My wife found the whole journey so poorly supported, that she quit her job and now works to create better patient experiences for those going through IVF.

She creates a lot of content, speaks on behalf of patients to the big medical companies, works with clinics to improve things for patients and has created various support groups and a book to help patients.

Her book is at  https://positivityplanners.com/ and her support group is on Facebook as "TTC Support UK" and is a really positive community for those trying to conceive.

On the cycling front, the doctor told me to ride. He said there's some evidence to say being in the saddle lots (and he stressed lots) may have a negative impact, but it was outweighed by the health benefits of being fit by riding.

Good luck on your journey!

We did IVF and it didn’t work for us, took some time out and eventually adopted.

It’s exhausting and very much a rollercoaster - but we tried everything together and although it didn’t go to plan- there is a great & happy life on the other side.

Two things:

Be honest and completely commit to your choices is the thing that got us through it.

Find something to stay sane and centered - your wife/partner is experiencing 10x the challenge.

Quick update for everyone on our situation.

We have completed nearly all of the 2 weeks of stimulating injections, and OH had a scan today. It’s very much on the cusp of what the NHS will agree to do for us - they need to be able to harvest 3 x eggs in order for continued funded treatment to be viable.

As it stands OH has 2 x follicles which are mature, with only a couple of days before they start to over-mature. There is one more follicle which is really far behind the other two and will produce an egg, but not one that is mature enough to fertilise successfully before the other 2 follicles kick the can. And of course, not all follicles are guaranteed to produce an egg at all.

we have been scheduled for egg collection on Monday, as it’s kind of the only chance before the procedure needs to be called off really. If they only get 2 x eggs, then that’s it, no more funded treatment if the fertilisation / implantation doesn’t work.

To say that it is squeaky bum time is an understatement. Nothing to say it won’t work first time with just a couple of eggs, but our chances have slimmed down quite considerably.

Fingers crossed for you.

Does low egg retrieval on first cycle even mean a high chance of a poor harvest in later cycles? I hope this guideline is properly evidenced.

@martinhutch thank you very much.

I don’t know to be honest. I am assuming it does mean that, at least for viability in NHS’s criteria. So many people on waiting list etc…they must have some fertility “KPIs” so to speak to give everyone a fair chance, so I get it, but at the same time it makes the whole thing a bit nerve wracking

I have a daughter 9 and son 5 through ivf with donor. The process is hard, not just the physical strain and distress but the mental side as well.

Best advice would be, be kind to yourselves, try your hardest to not build up your hopes. I strongly advise discussing the process and how it makes you feel with someone. I had a really weird moment where (I think due to donor) I had a proper wobble where I felt my wife had cheated on me!

I also dipped into online forums for dads going through the same, there was sensible conversations there that helped.

Be how you want to be about it, there’s no rules. I was open as I felt no shame and was surprised how many people also had trouble conceiving and had used ivf. The hardest bit has been how quickly my daughter has aged and choosing the time for full disclosure of how she came into the world.

I don’t know to be honest. I am assuming it does mean that, at least for viability in NHS’s criteria. So many people on waiting list etc…they must have some fertility “KPIs” so to speak to give everyone a fair chance, so I get it, but at the same time it makes the whole thing a bit nerve wracking.

The question is whether a single cycle with a low egg count should be sufficient evidence by itself of likely poor outcome in future cycles, or whether age and ovarian reserve testing should also be taken into consideration.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that though - good luck!

We did 4 rounds without success. All privately. One miscarriage was as far as we got.

My advice, don't stop doing things like going for the occasional bike ride except maybe a week out from egg collection etc. I think it's an unnecessary stressor. Obviously stop drinking and eating rubbish if you do that.

Don't be afraid to tell the clinic if they're changing things you thought went well in previous rounds.

This one is very important. Be very, very careful about who you share the fact that you're going through this with both during and after. Even way after. Can't emphasize this enough. Tell your missus that aswell.

GOOD LUCK 🙏

Another member of the club here. 4 rounds, 1 "free" (but we still had to pay for the injections, so ~$10k) and 3 private. ICSI didn't work, and the final round was really a balls to the wall "if this doesn't work we're done". It's expensive, emotionally draining and hard work; and even if you go  private it can feel that the professionals aren't necessarily hugely sympathetic. And as a lot of people have said, it's something We Don't Talk About, which makes it even tougher and more lonely.

All I can say is good luck, and try to keep calm through it all. And from personal experience, if you can separate out the "OMG this is our only chance!!" emotional anxiety from it, it may help a little to survive it all - but it's tough to do so.

Good luck! It's a rough process, particularly for her and the emotional toll can be heavy if it doesn't work.

We went through multiple rounds with no joy and had a tough time with it. Eventually went back for a "last chance" option and took a much more philosophical approach of "If this works, that would be great. But our life is pretty awesome right now as well, so if it doesn't work the outcome is also great. It's a win-win." Might seem odd, but it did seem to help psychologically. My wife did also get quite a lot out of counselling.

I can hear the 18-month old bundle of trouble waking up downstairs right now.....

finbar - is egg donation an option? I found the idea of adoption difficult to process as well if I'm honest.

Ach. Had egg collection early this morning and only one egg retrieved. After this cycle, there’s no more funded treatment available to us. Bugger.

However, all you need is one egg and I’m sure they’ll be able to find one workable swimmer from my sample, so hopefully they can at least fertilise and we will get one shot at it. We will find out tomorrow. Hope is still alive even though the odds are very much not in our favour.

Fingers crossed for you.

Last update on this - at least for while.

Unfortunately our only little egg didn't make it - so that is the end of our NHS funded treatment. Yesterday was a really hard and strange time going between utter despair and a kind of "oh well" feeling. It is gonna take a while to come to terms with this.

We can afford a round or two of private treatment, which we may go for. However with such a low egg reserve for my OH's age, we are going to take some time to consider it carefully. Don't want to rush into anything and just focus on supporting each other for now.

For now, we are going to try and have a few weeks "off" and just live our lives, maybe head up to my Mum's in the NW Highlands. I went out on my road bike last night and it really helped, so nice to feel that feeling again even after just a few weeks.

Thanks for everyone's input on this over the last few weeks. It has really helped, and the less-positive stories really did help to prepare myself for this. Mountain bikers are awesome.

So sorry to hear this. If you haven't done this, definitely worth getting a couple of other medical opinions about the way forward and confirming that any treatment/monitoring regimen is the appropriate one. I remember getting a variety of suggested approaches from different clinics, although this was a couple of decades ago, and success rates varied very widely across the centres offering private/nhs IVF.

Sorry it hasn't worked out yet, but please bear in mind that you can still try naturally – it can and does happen – I know of two couples personally that conceived naturally, one after having twins on IVF, the other after trying and failing at IVF.

Little update several months down the line!

We went in for a self-funded round at the beginning of this year after several months off and quietly planning / getting over the disappointment of our 1 free go.

Everything went considerably better, and the embryo was transferred last Wednesday. Tomorrow, there is a blood test to see if my OH has progressed from "Pregnant until proven otherwise" to "Actually pregnant"! Nerves through the absolute roof man. They told us not to do a home test and so far have taken their advice. 

We only managed to get 1 embryo so none to freeze unfortunately, and it was not *quite* at the ideal stage - but the doctors were pretty confident that our chances shouldn't be affected by that. All or nothing tomorrow...ride or die!

Posted by: elray89

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Little update several months down the line!

We went in for a self-funded round at the beginning of this year after several months off and quietly planning / getting over the disappointment of our 1 free go.

Everything went considerably better, and the embryo was transferred last Wednesday. Tomorrow, there is a blood test to see if my OH has progressed from "Pregnant until proven otherwise" to "Actually pregnant"! Nerves through the absolute roof man. They told us not to do a home test and so far have taken their advice. 

We only managed to get 1 embryo so none to freeze unfortunately, and it was not *quite* at the ideal stage - but the doctors were pretty confident that our chances shouldn't be affected by that. All or nothing tomorrow...ride or die!

Good luck - I hope it all works out for you both.

Everything crossed for you.

Hope all works out 🙂

Hope all works out

Best of luck.

Hey, congrats.  We're due to give it a go soon so been watching with interest.

Good luck . Fingers crossed for you

Unfortunately no dice this time. It's nowhere near as sad and confusing as the first time, though it is still devastating as we got so much further. I think we have one round left in us...at least that will emulate the 3 x free cycles we should have got if the parameters were met on the first one. 

I'm just very grateful that we are in a position where we can afford to do one more. I really really hope it works, but if not then we will adapt to something else. We've talked about it a lot and decided egg donation and adoption is probably not for us as regard to current thinking - we've used up quite a lot of emotional and physical reserve on this.

WE GO AGAIN! (after a month or two of distraction; booked a weekend away at the end of the month to have a nice time doing banned things such as hot tubs and drinking whisky). 

@joefm - Good luck mate if you do; any questions about it send them my way.

I know nothing about IVF or kids but i want comment on the mental health aspects.   I picked this up from another STWer but the more you talk about the mental health aspects the more it removes the stigma and the more it encourages others to talk.

Now everyone is different and it may be too hard for you to say much and there is also a danger of making it your only topic of conversation.   I have crossed that line at times.  However I am sure that being open about my struggles has helped me hugely and suprisingly helped others as well.

So dont be afraid to talk about it but don't feel you have to if it makes you too uncomfortable. 

Ime talking about my struggles has been overall a positive.

Somehow OP I missed this thread first time around - obviously I was going through a phase of not spending my working day on the forum! 😉

Really sorry to hear it didn't work for you guys this time out, and I know how tough it can be. We had 4 rounds of IVF, starting with a 'free' one (procedures paid for but not the hormones etc); and the last go really was a last throw of the dice. It wasn't so much the money or even the pincushion part, but the emotional rollercoaster aspect, and the way the hormones really accentuated it for the OH. 

The last time round I think we had 3 viable blastocysts (frozen), and ended up going really long on the 'pre-insertion' phase, as the lining measurements just weren't good enough. We knew we didn't have it in us to do it all again, so the OH carried on with the hormone injections, was off the booze, trying to be unstressed; and I think even tried more fringe things like castor oil wraps or somesuch. Eventually the lining hit a borderline good enough measurement and we did the insertion, but from what I remember, we weren't confident of it all. 

But one embryo stuck, the pregnancy/ delivery wasn't without issue, but our daughter was born and is now thriving. Fingers crossed for you both; it can come good. 

@nicko74 - Haha, yes I am a bad one for skiving at work. 

Thank you for your kind words, great to read it worked for you. It certainly is an absolute headf*** to go through, especially so for my OH so a lot of my time is spent making sure she is OK - this round has had less of a massive impact on her which is good. I think because she knows that all is not lost after our frankly disastrous first go.

It's just a shame that we couldn't have had such results first time, then we would get it funded - but alas them's the breaks; and we are privileged enough to be able to afford one more without worrying about money if it does work (or making us not only sad but broke and sad if it doesn't).

It's just kind of heart-breaking because I have always wanted to be a father, but even moreso for my OH; it honestly feels like she was put on this very earth to be a mother. I hate seeing her think her dream is slipping away.

It's just kind of heart-breaking because I have always wanted to be a father, but even moreso for my OH; it honestly feels like she was put on this very earth to be a mother. I hate seeing her think her dream is slipping away.

See my post on page 1, MrsRNP was exactly the same in that her place on this planet was to be a mother. Her whole life in so many ways lead to a point that then disappeared with no possibility of IVF. She  saw a really good therapist as it's grieving for something that hasn't happened rather than an immediate loss - it wasn't easy but she/we made it through.

Fast forward 10ish years and that love that would have gone to our children goes out to the community instead - she runs a community kitchen and feeds FOC ~80+ people/families a week, the rest of the time she does a job that doesn't pay a huge amount but that she absolutely loves. We don't need the money as we don't have children and accordingly cleared the mortgage early.

I put my love into our beloved dog Bert (who is a regular on here) and tinker with old worn out cars for fun.

We are really strong as a couple and I love our home life. Ask us now if we'd choose a different magic wand life and the answer would be no.

Fingers crossed it works for you but if it doesn't then consider counselling and embrace a different path in life.

@RustyNissanPrairie - Thank you for that, very wise words.

It's absolutely something we are discussing, the chance of it not working, and we are considerably more confident we will be ok. Just keeping it on the back burner though for now. 

There's a lot of implied pressure in the community to do something "big" with your life in place of having kids if it's a no-go, which is also hard to navigate. Your outcome seems lovely in that regard. I don't really see us selling up and travelling the world forever, more just re-focusing.

I am sure we would find meaning elsewhere but we are also very happy in our life as-is, just missing one main thing. We are really strong together but have been getting counselling on the subject.