This is a thread that just gives and gives 😆
I may be the only one without a sense of humour today. I really hurts, and I'm not in the comfort of my own home where the variety of creature comforts afforded to me namely:
a) Flexible toilet trips
b) Tracksuit bottoms
c) The fridge
d) Softer bog roll
e) KJ02's nappy rash cream
...just aren't available.
*Applauds*
*salutes*
Chapeau sir!
Once you recover you might want to consider more fresh fruit and veg to speed up your digestive transit (hint a digestive transit is not how McVities deliver their biscuits).
Beaconsfield Services...an explosive series of eye watering events lasting nearly 30 minutes occurred
I wondered why I woke with a start - that's too close for comfort!
Did you pack the frozen sprout, looks like you're gonna need it...
I don't think the fact that I'm suffering from a bike related boil "down there" helps much either.
Sussex police just tweeted;
[i]Yuck. Just helped NRT with a search in custody and found a mobile phone in a VERY unusual place. Hopefully it wasn't set to vibrate[/i]
Maybe if you haven't got a frozen sprout available you could pop your iphone in the fridge for a few minutes and then let it make the ultimate sacrifice.
a bike related boil "down there"
That's disgusting. This thread has reached a new low...
Legends of the Phal
Ah the panic of desperately needing a dump whilst sat on a motorway in traffic miles from services
teasel - Member
a bike related boil "down there"
That's disgusting. This thread has reached a new low...
These things happen, trust me I am hygienic.
those that know the M25 know that this is a pinch-point
Quite literally in your case.
What state did you leave the bogs at Beaconsfield for some other poor bastard to find? 🙂
I refer my earlier post.
Told you so.
martinhutch - MemberQuite literally in your case.
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That must have sounded like a flock of starlings taking off.
Thanks for the morning update OP, and sorry for laughing at your expense.
"You stupid boy Pike" 🙂
I am hygienic
That's good. You can probably reuse that sprout, then...
*Note to self - Phal was a once in a lifetime event*
Indeed.
At least I earnt something when I did it 🙂
This has to be the most 'boy' thread on here for a long time 🙂
On the upside you can lay claim to being one of "those" people who have created (and tested) a chemical warfare weapon in service station toilets!
😉
Why are stories about shit funny? 😳
Ow!!! FFS - 3rd time today already... NEVER AGAIN!!!
Kryton57 - MemberOw!!! FFS - 3rd time today already... NEVER AGAIN!!!
I refer you to my earlier suggestion:
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Between this and janzen boulton i hve picked a bad day to be on holidays.......
It's the anticipation that makes it 🙂
Hope things calm down, Kryton 😆
Hope things calm down,
It's always the final dregs that are the worst.
I think Sir needs a....
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😆
This thread is STW at its finest. Thanks for reminding me why I never have a hot curry unless I know I have a day or two off work afterwards. Nothing worse than the cold-sweat inducing curry shits.
😀 This thread has made my week. Bravo!
Kryton - wish you were here?
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PICS OR IT DIDN'T HA...oh, never mind.
you're lucky you didn't have the widower Kryton...
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That must have sounded like a flock of starlings taking off.
No more, please - people are looking at me. 🙁
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I thought this was a men-behaving-badly laddish style humour thread until this morning.
I've just sat for two hours in a meeting where I'm sure the potential customers have spotted my fidgeting / strained look as I attempted to make it through the two hours.
I did, and as Nobby alludes to, its a much smaller quantitative result but the sting-factor doesnt seem to be reducing yet. TBH I just want to go home and have a cold shower. That Bidet up there ^^ looks very inviting right now.
I've got the opposite journey home tonight *frantically refreshes M25 Travel news page* 😯
To paraphrase, its like shitting nettles.
😆
*considers ways of bringing the M25 to a halt*
Having 2nd thoughts at attempting to grow 11 chocolate habanero plants now
(had planned Naga but was a bit late sorting seeds)
I got myself once with a homemade pork vindaloo recipe (Madhur Jafferey)
Got on an exceptionally busy train to Leeds in the morning and i start feeling the sweats coming on.
Instead of the usual 25mins the train is crawling along and I'm feeling trapped and beginning to clench tighter and tighter
I'm beginning to panic now and the train seems to be going slower and slower. Claustrophobia starts setting in
After an eternity (45mins) we get to Leeds and i make a dash to the public bogs there. They aren't exactly the cleanest of places but i drop trou and the world drops out of me. Pretty much everything i'd ever eaten and drank came out
I phoned the office to tell them i wouldn't be coming in, hopped on the next (thankfully empty) train back to hudds and painted a brown streak all the way back home
*considers ways of bringing the M25 to a halt*
I'm sure someone will oblige 🙁
Can't work out which I want more now, a curry or a sh#t...
Do what I did and have both 😕
To paraphrase, its like shitting nettles.
If it's anything like the night I made the mistake of having a doner meat and chilli pizza, napalm was a closer approximation...
You'll be glad to hear the M25 is closed in both directions.....
Ta Da!
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FFS!! From the HA website:
[i]M40 | Buckinghamshire | Northbound | Lane Closures | Long Delays
There are currently long delays on the M40 northbound in Buckinghamshire between J2-J3. The delays are due to congestion from an earlier closure of the carriageway. The road is now open and traffic is able to pass the scene in lane 3. Lane 1 and 2 will remain closed while emergency services continue to deal.
Due to the delays, road users may still wish to consider alternative routes and are advised to allow plenty of extra time to travel through this area.
Last updated on: 24/04/2014 14:54
M25 | Hertfordshire | Both Directions | Vehicle Fire | Road Closed
The M25 is closed anti-clockwise from J23 - J21a & closed Clockwise from J21 - J22 due to an HGV fire.
Last updated on: 24/04/2014 14:20[/i]
The M25 is closed anti-clockwise from J23 - J21a & closed Clockwise from J21 - J22 due to an HGV fire.
Your ring won't be the only thing on fire on the M25 today, then.
There are currently long delays on the M40 northbound in Buckinghamshire between J2-J3. The delays are due to an earlier spill of toxic chemicals at Beaconsfield Services. The road is now open and traffic is able to pass the scene in lane 3. Lane 1 and 2 will remain closed while emergency services continue to deal.Due to the delays, road users may still wish to consider alternative routes and are advised to allow plenty of extra time to travel through this area.
FTFY
My first phal was way to hot for me - I finished it but was AssApocalypseNow. I turned up for work 30min late.
The other bloke checked himself into A&E in the middle of the night. He was a contractor - most expensive curry he had ever had.
Is it possible a toxic poop opened up a sink hole that swallowed the M25?
Thar she blows 🙂
Worst is over then, just the fallout residue to cope with.
Not curry related now....
Loving that bog-in-a-bag wwaswas, going to look that up 🙂
When i was a lorryist, sleepovers in the truck where common, sometimes parked up in the middle of London, with no access to a toilet at times, public bogs late at night can be a minefield anyway.
I used to keep a 2ltr ice cream tub, loaded with all the gear to deal with the rear, had to use them a few times. I was allright because i planned for it.
Alan didn't.
Alan and Marcus worked together, after a heavy night in some shady bar/club they got back to the truck. Alan always slept in the back, he didn't like confined spaces, sleeping in lorry cab bunks is like being in a coffin, back of the truck awesome.
Might have had some dicky off beer, or the Mc Death fast food.
He had to go, middle of the night, shut in the back of the truck, he could have climbed out the side escape hatch and down the cab (while turtle heading, not easy) a quick look about.....a large Mc Death soft drink cup with the straw, no time to escape the truck.
While drunk he managed to not miss and Mr Whippy one into the cup, almost brimmed it, cap back (minus straw) and smellage was retained in cup too, bonus.
They left fairly early. Very close to the truck was a flash BMW, this is when flash BMW equals driver is a cock.
A dawn raid and a land mine was hidden.
The outcome is unknown, but most likely unpleasant.
Ha, well before I left I made sure the final (5th) poop of the working day was performed, only to hear on the car radio then find in realism the journey in my direction was completely clear.
Hopefully I'm at then end of my saga, and will be applying chamios creme with caution tomorrow.
The thread that keeps on giving! I've just been trying to read the last two pages with tears in my eyes. Kryton seems to have just done an Agent Orange on his intestinal flora and fauna; Vietnam all over again! 😆
My wife can't read her book for me chuckling away like a 10 year old
What a shit ending!
Well that's it chaps, fun over. Although I think it'll be a while before I need to adorn the throne again, the trots have stopped and it's been a quiet night.
Despite a deep cleanse I the shower last night and this morning i am still quite tender. If you're ever contemplating a Phal or about to do something that could result in a spell in Her Majesty's Pleasure, re-read this thread carefully and consider the potential consequences to your rear end.
I for one am going no further than my trusty Jalfrezi in e future.
